no sex here

After exhaustive research, according to new data released under the Freedom of Information act, leafy Elmbridge in Surrey, home to exclusive commuter villages like Claygate, Esher, Oxshott, Weybridge and Cobham, is the dogging capital of the UK. Famous residents include footballer Peter Crouch, Rolling Stone Ronnie Wood and tennis player Andy Murray, none of who dog. One can only presume there is something in the Surrey air that encourages people to engage in open-air acts of a sexual nature?

According to the Daily Mail, the special mobile Surrey Police Dogging Patrol have identified at least 10 areas, from car-parks to secluded woodland nooks, where strangers watch each other have sex, in contrast to much maligned Norfolk that has just six dogging areas. Many complaints have been lodged, many by women walking their dogs alone and from parents who don’t want to take their children anywhere near that kind of environment. Never mind, for once Emlbridge woodland and heathland is bulldozed to make way for essential cheap housing, dogging will no doubt be confined to the dustbin…areas!

Let us not forget, dogging is not illegal, but only a criminal offence if it causes ‘alarm or distress’ to others. My advice for what its worth is, if you happen across a couple performing lewd acts of a sexual nature in public, shut your eyes! Alternatively you could always video the act and later upload it onto YouTube! Personally I’ve never had a yen to dog, preferring to conduct my acts of sexual depravity in the comfort and privacy of my private abode. In other words, I don’t much fancy a squirrel mistaking my nuts for its nuts! Furthermore it is worth noting, unlike ‘traditional’ athletes, currently there is no state sponsorship for amateur doggers. However this might change if an application is ever submitted to the IOC (International Olympic Committee) to include dogging in the 2020 Tokyo Summer Olympics!


20 thoughts on “THE ‘DOGGING’ OLYMPICS!

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