I was searching online for cheap flights to Dublin. It turned out there wasn’t that much difference in price between Aer Cunnilingus, Aer Linctus and Aer Fungus. I saved myself £15:00 by booking with Ryanair. Hey, it was only a short flight so I didn’t mind flying in the upright position! Seats are for couch potatoes anyway! Closing the laptop, I turned and inexplicably fell on the kitchen floor, dislocating my left shoulder. Despite being in excruciating pain I managed to get myself to ‘A & E’.

‘Oh don’t be such a baby,’ one of the nurses said after I complained I’d been there for two hours and had yet to be seen. A further three hours passed, and still no relief. ‘Oh for God sake, give me something for the pain!’ Apparently I couldn’t get pain relief until a doctor had assessed my injury. Another hour passed. ‘I’m begging you,’ I said. ‘Do something about the pain, otherwise I’ll have to slam my shoulder against a wall!‘ The reply? ‘Oh you mustn’t do that. There are ‘health & safety’ considerations. The mortar is weak. If you expose the brickwork, we’ll have to clear A & E, but I might be able to do something about the pain.’ So relieved, I expressed gratitude. The nurse duly shot me in the leg with a cross-bow bolt. ‘Huh,’ she said, ‘I bet you can’t feel your shoulder now?’ 


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