DONALD TRUMP IS MISUNDERSTOOD!

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Oh no, the Donald is not a revolting slug, but a humanitarian! The legion of women who claim Trump stuck his tongue down their throats failed to mention they were all choking on food at the time! All the Donald did was to save them by using his tongue to dislodge masticated food trapping his victims airways. Everyone knows, the tongue treatment is an alternative to using the Heimlich manoeuvre!

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CHRISTMAS AIN’T WHAT IT USED TO BE!

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Just heard, John Lewis department store has launched a ‘Home For Christmas’ service, where, for £450:00 a ‘tree stylist’ will pick out the perfect specimen plus accessories and deliver them to your door. But wait, there’s more! Your tree stylist will erect your Christmas tree and decorate it too! And the process all starts with a free in-store Christmas consultation appointment. Yea Gods, and they say the Middle Classes have got their backs against the wall? Quite frankly, if you’re too busy to pick out your own tree and decorate it, well you shouldn’t be bloody celebrating Christmas! Grandparents will be turning in their graves!

OH DO STOP CLOWNING AROUND!

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Do you suffer from coulrophobia (fear of clowns)? Apparently a ‘killer craze’ that started in America has now crossed the pond to Britain, terrifying children and adults. Dressed as clowns, pranksters with fake knives have been spotted chasing people through the streets. I am not at all surprised professional clowns argue the crazy of scaring people out of their skinny-skin-skins is bringing the art of clowning into disrepute! Personally, I never had a problem with clowns until I read Steven King’s novel ‘IT’, about a murderous clown. The 1990 supernatural horror miniseries based upon the novel was equally scary. Frankly it is about time all clowns were neutered!

HAVE YOU GOT A BLACK SHEEP IN YOUR FAMILY?

 

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No, well I have! My younger brother Brian, 29, has successfully blackened my family name. Having been prosecuted 4 times for indecent exposure, and having spent in total, eleven months in prison, no one believed Brian could blacken our once good name still further, yet my brother managed it! Oh what a waste of a supernatural gift! You see Brian was born a precog, in that he possesses precognition as a form of extra-sensory perception. Has he used it to enrich the family coffers by playing the financial markets, no! Has Brian aided the police in catching murderers and rapists, no! Over the past eighteen months, my degenerate brother preoccupied himself by attending premiers and other celebrity haunts in order to feed his fascination with...gas! Using, or should I say, misusing the supernatural gift of precognition, wayward Brian is able to tell which celebrity about to fart, or as he so eloquently puts it, de-gas. Aided by preserve jars with lids, he creeps up behind famous, female celebrities and places an open jar adjacent to a derriere, and, well you can guess the rest! Brian has literary hundreds of fart-filled jars at his home. Although he doesn’t object vegan or vegetarian scented farts, he does tend to go positively ga-ga over female celebrities on the Atkins diet! Having let myself into his house, I recently caught Brian masturbating on his bed whilst surrounded by dozens of opened preserve jars. As it turned out, Brian’s ludicrous predilection for the farts of the famous has become a money-spinner. Selling fart-filled preserve jars online, degenerate Brian has amassed £40,000 in one month. Apparently the Japanese can’t get enough of Western hemisphere farts. Go figure? Apparently there’s no upper limit the Japs won’t pay for a complete set of fart-filled jars belonging to Western girl band members. Well, if that’s true, my advice to the members of Little Mix is…’register your back-end emissions as intellectual property’!