HAVE YOU GOT A BLACK SHEEP IN YOUR FAMILY?

 

arty farty

No, well I have! My younger brother Brian, 29, has successfully blackened my family name. Having been prosecuted 4 times for indecent exposure, and having spent in total, eleven months in prison, no one believed Brian could blacken our once good name still further, yet my brother managed it! Oh what a waste of a supernatural gift! You see Brian was born a precog, in that he possesses precognition as a form of extra-sensory perception. Has he used it to enrich the family coffers by playing the financial markets, no! Has Brian aided the police in catching murderers and rapists, no! Over the past eighteen months, my degenerate brother preoccupied himself by attending premiers and other celebrity haunts in order to feed his fascination with...gas! Using, or should I say, misusing the supernatural gift of precognition, wayward Brian is able to tell which celebrity about to fart, or as he so eloquently puts it, de-gas. Aided by preserve jars with lids, he creeps up behind famous, female celebrities and places an open jar adjacent to a derriere, and, well you can guess the rest! Brian has literary hundreds of fart-filled jars at his home. Although he doesn’t object vegan or vegetarian scented farts, he does tend to go positively ga-ga over female celebrities on the Atkins diet! Having let myself into his house, I recently caught Brian masturbating on his bed whilst surrounded by dozens of opened preserve jars. As it turned out, Brian’s ludicrous predilection for the farts of the famous has become a money-spinner. Selling fart-filled preserve jars online, degenerate Brian has amassed £40,000 in one month. Apparently the Japanese can’t get enough of Western hemisphere farts. Go figure? Apparently there’s no upper limit the Japs won’t pay for a complete set of fart-filled jars belonging to Western girl band members. Well, if that’s true, my advice to the members of Little Mix is…’register your back-end emissions as intellectual property’!

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