EMP…’coming’ at you, and no, no, it’s not a euphemism for my much beloved trouser snake, but the latest high-tech, non-ballistic weapon deployed in the atmosphere above a target enemy city that is designed to fry every electrical circuit, from enemy missile guidance systems, to civilian computers, to pop-tart toasters. All I want to know is, will the John Lewis department store honour the warranty on my ‘6-setting’ trouser press once it goes into meltdown?

Here’s a question for you…as a response to President Assad using Sarin gas on civilians, why didn’t the US Military use an EMP on Syria rather than firing 59 cruise missiles?


Folks, it now appears, according to researchers at the University of York, that smelly, disgusting stuff Marmite might be good for the brain, being that the yeast extract contains 100 times more vitamin B12 than peanut butter, thus increasing the gamma-amino butyric acid (GABA) – a chemical messenger associated with healthy brain function. Well, having smelled and tasted Marmite as a youth, mistaking it for chocolate spread, I think I’ll risk dementia! Can you believe my sick ex-girlfriend Frieda actually wanted to rub Marmite over my naked body? F**king vegetarians make me puke!