I CAN’T BELIEVE RYANAIR ARE DOING IT!

Boeing 737-800 shortly after takeoff

Boeing 737-800 shortly after takeoff (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Ryanair Chief Michael O’Leary has pledged to improve its customer experience. Meanwhile, Ryanair is in talks with aircraft suppliers Boeing to remove the rear toilets on board the Boing 737-800s to allow for more seating, a proposed increase from 189 to 200. This would offer a more ‘bespoke’ service for business travellers…not if travellers have to walk from the rear of the plane to the front in order to have a crap! Removing the facility to join the Mile High Club will not increase Ryanair’s ‘penetration’ in the business class market. Perhaps discretely placed dump buckets might be placed at the rear of the plane for any passenger interested in doing squat thrusts?

MICHEAL O’LEARY OF RYANAIR IS AT IT AGAIN!

English: I Took This Photo

English: I Took This Photo (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Having failed in his bid to get away with charging passengers £1:00 to take a crap on board a Ryanair jet, Mr O’Leary now intends to turn his jets into FLYING BILLBOARDS. Yes, you too can advertise on Ryanair’s inner and outer winglets or on a plane’s front and rear fuselage, but you have to commit to a yearly contract. Ryanair boss O’Leary may have been seen as a money-grabber in the past, but no longer. As recently just last Monday he turned down one company’s request to advertise for FIVE YEARS on the outside of his jets. ‘STEPTON & CLEAVER FUNERAL ARRANGERS,’ who claim never to make a drama out of a crisis!

UPDATED: 02/08/2013.

IAG, the owner of airlines BA and Iberia, as it reports a half-year pre tax loss of 506m euros (£442m) in the six months to June. If advertising on the sides of planes catches on, no doubt IAG Chief executive Willie Walsh will jump on the bandwagon!

UPDATED:11/08/13.

RYANAIR staff have been told to increase the company’s profits by avoiding giving change back to passengers when selling them items from the trolley. ‘Sorry, no change left!’

UPDATED: 13/08/13.

Ryanair has apologised for the “inappropriate and incorrect” letter it sent to bereaved son Doug Parsons, refusing a refund of £230:00 airfare for his now deceased mother Beryl who died in June after a long struggle with cancer, because the death was “not within 28 days of travel.” Only after adverse publicity has the matter been resolved.

UPDATED: 12/09/13.

For $349:00 your dog can learn to fly. Air Hollywood offers a real fuselage with a simulator that mimics take-off, turbulence and landing in an effort to becalm bad doggie travellers. I hear on the grapevine that in an effort to cut costs to the bone, notorious Ryanair boss Michael O’Leary is hoping to take Air Hollywood’s offer even further. Mr O’Leary is looking into the possibility of actually training dogs to fly his planes. They work cheap and won’t join a union!

‘EASY’ DOES IT!

English: Logo of EasyJet

English: Logo of EasyJet (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

I have to confess my admiration for Sir Stelios Haji-Ioannou, the founder of EasyJet! He did what no one had done before…took on the big boys of the airline industry, and WON! Low-cost, no frills air travel has been copied, but not bettered! EasyCar, EasyBus, EasyHotel, in which I once got an EasyLay! Good on you brother!

RYANAIR!

English: I Took This Photo

English: I Took This Photo (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Running an airline is not for the faint-hearted. It is a cutthroat business. Just one annual increase in the cost of jet fuel, and your entire yearly profits can be wiped out. They say ‘no publicity is bad publicity,’ don’t they. Michael O’Leary of Ryanair has come in for some heavy stick in the last few years, and his company has become the butt of many jokes, yet the airline continues to make substantial profits. Good luck to the man. However, some of the things he’s tried to introduce are pretty stupid. For example, a couple of years ago the man wanted to introduce a £1 fee for using the toilet when up in the air. Oh how ridiculous, and the idea was! Fancy charging couples to have SEX in the middle of a flight?

Now Ryanair has reduced the weight of hand luggage by a third, but that is a sensible idea. The less weight, the less fuel consumption, and thus the ability to keep prices down, which is after all what air travellers want. Yet it has come to my attention that the Ryanair board is about to introduce another cost saving initiative, and it is this. Women who board a plane wearing more than 1 pound of face make-up will FACE paying an additional surcharge, or be consigned to flying in the cargo hold! Loud children, the same! Left-handed travellers the same! The weight of fillings in your mouth is something else being considered, that and the weight of your hip replacement. In a future fuel cost-saving exercise, some travellers may find themselves ejected by parashoot just before touchdown. I once flew Ryanair direct to Florida. I had to make my own way from Reykjavik. Remember Michael O’Leary…no publicity is bad publicity! I wish I could get some for my blog. Of course once upon a time British Airways was ‘the world’s favourite airline.’ How did the company achieve this? They employed Saatchi & Saatchi advertising agency and gave them a budget of £60 million!

RYANAIR WANTS TO BECOME ‘THE WORLD’S FAVOURITE AIRLINE!”

English: Michael O'Leary

English: Michael O’Leary (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

RYANAIR’S website now features a “suggestion form” asking fliers what changes they want made. Michael O’Leary, chief executive of budget airline carrier wants passengers’ ideas on how he can improve the airline. Here’s a suggestion…RESIGN!

BRITISH AIRWAYS ALLOW MOBILE PHONE USE DURING TAXIING!

Passing the time at Terminal 5, Heathrow Airpo...

Passing the time at Terminal 5, Heathrow Airport, I took a photo of the plane I was due to take. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Following a U.S. carriers decision to allow airline passengers to use cell phones during taxiing, BA did the same, but now regrets taking that decision. Unfortunately the first such flight that landed at Heathrow ended up with the pilot crashing into an American Airlines jet. The as yet unnamed British pilot allegedly received a phone call from his wife who was occupying a first class seat. “No, no,” she said, “a little to the left…I meant, right!” Backseat drivers are a bloody menace!