QUEEN GOES ‘NUTS’ OVER OFFICERS EATING HER NUTS!

News of the World (album)

News of the World (album) (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

The phone hacking trial is currently on-going at the Old Bailey. An array of charges including phone hacking, conspiring to commit misconduct in public office and perverting the course of justice are being vigorously defended by a plethora of defendants, including former News of the World and Sun editor Rebekah Brooks.

According to an email sent in 2005 by Clive Goodman, the New of the World’s former royal editor, apparently Her Most Gracious Majesty, Queen Elizabeth of Angleterre got somewhat “upset” when police officers tucked into nuts that were left out at Buckingham Palace. It now emerges that they weren’t ordinary nuts, but Marks & Spencer nuts, and for display purposes only! A memo was then sent to palace officers, telling them to “keep their sticky fingers off the royal nuts”, nuts that Her majesty had allegedly de-shelled herself. I think you can take that with a pinch of salt, don’t you? Why there was never a royal commission into the disappearing nuts beats me! In any event, upon further exhaustive research I discovered the issue of the disappearing nuts didn’t end quite there. Discussed was the possibility of those officers involved in ‘nutgate’ might be hung, drawn, quartered and de-nutted themselves at Traitors’ Gate in The Tower of London, but at the time, the Thames was at low tide, and it was thought the body parts wouldn’t be washed away before they were discovered. Shit…I think I heard a knock at my door! Have I gone too far this time? I must protect me nuts! “Mother!”

UK ‘PHONE HACKING’ TRIAL FINALLY GETS UNDER WAY!

The final edition of News of the World, publis...

The final edition of News of the World, published on 10 July 2011. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

A jury in the phone hacking trial of former News International chief executive Rebekah Brooks, Downing Street spin doctor Andy Coulson and six other defendants will be chosen today at the Old Bailey. The trial is expected to last up to six months…barring any interruptions from phone hackers! A group of 80 potential jurors were gathered in an effort to find 12 who could hear the case in its entirety. Of the 80 potential jurors, 48 were excused  because of commitments including holidays or work. From the remaining 32, 12 will be  chosen at  random today to serve as the jury.

Brooks and Coulson, both former editors of  the News of  the World, are accused of being part of a six-year conspiracy to hack phones of celebrities, politicians and public figures at the now defunct Sunday tabloid. Brooks, who resigned from News International in July 2011, denies charges relating to phone hacking, conspiracy to commit misconduct in public office and conspiracy to pervert the course of justice, namely, the permanent removal of seven boxes of archived material from the archive of News International.

Will justice be seen to be done? My concern is that during the lengthy trial, Rebekah Brooks’s flowing red locks…the source of her magic power…might reached the courtroom floor, causing the woman to exert an undue influence over the jury! Should La Brooks eventually be found guilty of several alleged offences, her hair should be shorn, a saw should be taken to her broomstick, her witches coven disbanded, her book of spells burnt, only to be replaced with The Great British Bake Off annual. Brooks should then be forced to bake…kneading dough until her fingers are red raw! Rebekah darling, you’ve been a naught girl, a very naughty girl indeed…allegedly! Oh, could I borrow your mobile phone?

FORMER ‘SPIN DOCTOR’ COULSON CHARGED WITH PERJURY!

Dr. Joseph Goebbels, head of Germany's Ministr...

Dr. Joseph Goebbels, head of Germany’s Ministry of Public Enlightenment and Propaganda. His masterful use of propaganda for Adolf Hitler and the NSDAP made him a prototype of the modern spin doctor in public conscience. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Andy Coulson, the former Downing Street ‘director of communications’ has appeared in Scot-i-land’s Glasgow Sheriff’s Court charged with perjury. Personally, I would let the poor man off! After all, lying for a living is a spin doctor’s stock in trade. It is after all his job to put a positive spin on a negative situation. A decent, effective spin doctor will lie at his own reflection. Can you imagine a spin doctor…any spin doctor visiting his doctor with an annoying problem?

“Doctor, doctor…I’m in terrible trouble…what can you give me?”

“But what seems to be the problem?”

“Doctor, try as I might, I’ve not been able to prevent myself from telling the truth, and as you know, there’s no room in politics for the truth!”

Historically Dr Joseph Goebbels remains the ultimate spin doctor!