KEEP ON DANCING!

Dancers Vernon and Irene Castle. Gelatin silve...

Dancers Vernon and Irene Castle. Gelatin silver print. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Hot off the Press! President Obama’s nuclear talks with North Korea’s childish leader Kim Jong Un were postponed at the last-minute so that baby Kim could attend the live semi-final of North Korea’s ‘Strictly Come Dancing’ television programme. One of the male ballroom dancers, Ding Dong Un, affectionately known as ‘Roger’ had just come from a military training exercise and went straight onto the dance floor in military uniform, with his AK47 slung over his left shoulder. In the middle of a Foxtrot the machine-gun inexplicably fired straight into the floor causing Roger’s female dance partner to break into an impromptu tapdance. The couple was disqualified, and later shot!

CUTE ‘LITTLE’ BRITAIN!

English: THE GRAND KREMLIN PALACE, MOSCOW. Pre...

English: THE GRAND KREMLIN PALACE, MOSCOW. President Putin with Iranian President Mohammad Khatami. Русский: МОСКВА, БОЛЬШОЙ КРЕМЛЕВСКИЙ ДВОРЕЦ. С Президентом Ирана Сейедом Мохаммадом Хатами. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

During the two-day G20 conference is has been alleged that an unnamed Russian official dismissed Britain as a “small island” whose views can be ignored!

We are indeed a small island, and it cannot be denied Britain is punching above its weight, but as a colonial power Britain once rules half the known world for over 300 years, which is more than LARGE Russia ever achieved! Lest we forget, the Industrial Revolution started HERE and expanded exponentially. When we in Britain first travelled by train, harnessed electricity and benefited from indoor plumbing, Russians stilled travelled by horse & cart, pumped water by hand from the ground and read by candle light. In many under developed regions of Russia TODAY Russians still travel by horse & cart, pumped water by hand from the ground and read by candle light. Vladimir ‘Iron Man’ Putin & co don’t want this advertised! Let me also remind those ‘cunning’ Russians, British Law was exported all over the world and forms the basis of many countries statutes. Britons led the world in entrepreneurship!

In many respects modern-day Russia remains a dictatorship. There is little freedom of speech! Dissenters are silenced by prison bars, and occasionally, by the bullet. The Russian leaders are afraid to introduce Democracy to their country in case they are all kicked out of office, put on trial for human rights abuses and their bank accounts stripped of their ill-gotten gains…ill-gotten gains that belongs in the Russian treasury for the benefit of the Russian people and not just for the benefit of the corrupt ruling class. Britain may not be the power it once was, but that’s okay…nothing lasts forever! The sun eventually sets on every empire.

Below is a list of just ‘some’ British inventions/discoveries that the whole world now benefits from.

Anemometer, Disc brakes, Tin Can, Cat Eyes, Electromagnet, Electric Motor, Fax Machine, Gas Mask, Jet Engine, Kelvin Scale, Light bulbs, Penicillin, Periodic Table, Periscope, Radar, Spinning Jenny, Television, Thermos, Toilet Paper, Computer, World Wide Web, Crucible Steel, Stainless Steel, Hydraulic Press, Portland Cement, Modern Glass, Typhoid Vaccine, Smallpox Vaccine, Stem Cell Transplant, Gray’s Anatomy, In Vitro Fertilization, Viagra, Harrier Jump Jet, Tuning Fork, Nature Reserve, Railways, Seatbelt, Tarmac, Traffic Lights, Plimsol Line, Hovercraft, Sextant, Seed Drill, Water Desalination, Marine Chronometer, Power Loom, Sewing machine, Pencil, Electric Telegraph, Stereo Sound, Shorthand, SMS Texting, Typewriter, Colour Film, Fibre Optics, Geostationary Satellites, DNA Fingerprinting/DNA Database, Iris Recognition, Gas Turbine, Microchip, Light-emitting Diode, Wind Tunnel, Flushing Toilet, Football, Rugby, Cricket, Baseball, Tennis, Boxing, Ice Hockey, Table-tennis. Snooker, Bowls, Netball.

A few Great British Writers.

William Shakespeare, Geoffrey Chaucer, Samuel Johnson, Christopher Marlow, Rudyard Kipling, Charles Darwin,  George Orwell, Charles Dickens, J.R.R. Tolkien, Jane Austen, The Bronte sisters, H.G. Wells, George Bernard Shaw, Aldous Huxley, D.H. Lawrence, C.S. Lewis, Agatha Christie, Lewis Carroll, Daniel Defoe, George Elliot, E.M. Forster, Thomas Hardy.

The trouble with dictatorships is, they don’t generally invest in people, discouraging entrepreneurship. The engine of entrepreneurship is IMAGINATION. This too is stifled. The only reason the gangsters who rule Russia are feeling so cocky is due to their new-found oil wealth, but how much of it is being invested in Russian heartland? Russia hasn’t changed in hundreds of years. The majority of its people were suppressed under the Tsars, under Stalin, and now under Putin. Many of the politicians are in league with real gangsters. Pull the curtains aside, and Russia might be considered just as much a rogue State as North Korea, and even China!

Rogue state is a country that threatens world peace. Is it authoritarian? Does it severely restrict human rights? Freedom of speech? Does it sponsor terrorism by supplying deadly weapons to terrorists who would use such weapons to kill indiscriminately? Russia, Chine and North Korea tick all the boxes! Conversely, most Western countries…including our little island supply arms to authoritarian regimes. In fact, they are our best customers!

CYBERWARS!

hackingJust as ICBMs replaced the Flying Fortresses as a deterrent against old Soviet aggression, cyber-hacking…once called Industrial Espionage… must have to a large extent replaced undercover agents living in another country and reporting back to their spymasters. You want information, just hack your economic enemy! Certainly the start-up costs are high for state-sponsored hacking, but in the long-term it must pay dividends ‘acquiring’ intellectual property you didn’t develop. Anyone who is someone has been hacked, and they hack back!

While President Obama is under growing pressure to take a tougher stance with Beijing over cyber-espionage, hacking has gone mainstream! On the principle that it takes a hacker to catch a hacker, the University of Valenciennes in France is offering a degree in ‘Ethical hacking, Countermeasures & Computer Security’. The teachers build cyber-fortresses which students learn how to break through. Let’s hear from one of those enrolled; “It can take you more than three days to locate the tiniest, almost undetectable CHINK in the armour.” How apt, since most of the hacking is done by state-sponsored CHINESE HACKERS, or North Koreans funded by the Chinese Government.  It is no wonder the new 200 million Chinese middle class live so high on the hog, they don’t pay for the use of any intellectual property! By the way, similar hacking courses are run at the University of Abertay Dundee and at the University of Northumbria. I certainly couldn’t even consider enrolling in such a course. I’ve just learned to use an ABACUS! The Chinese have no imagination to invent anything substantive, for in a repressed society, displaying signs of a unique imagination is the sign of an ‘individual’, and in China, individuality leads to a long spell an in a work camp! But why? Because individuality may lead to Democracy! In conclusion I would say this! In China international patents aren’t worth the paper they’re written on!

JOHNNY EATWELL.

Barbed wire Deutsch: Stacheldraht

Barbed wire Deutsch: Stacheldraht (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

My name is Johnny Eatwell and I am a professional food taster to the rich and powerful, who on their journeys to the top have acquired enemies who would wish to do them harm. But who are my clients? Middle Eastern potentates, South American Presidents, African dictators, Asian gangsters, Western diplomats and high-ranking politicians. Sure they wear Miguel Caballero bullet-proof clothing and Kevlar underpants, travel in armoured limousines surrounded by bodyguards, live in splendour behind gated walls, further protected by motion sensitive infra-red cameras, ground-based motion detectors, killer dogs and armed guards, BUT the weakest part of any security will always be FOOD, and Man cannot eat bread alone, right?

Johnny Eatwell is armed with an asbestos-lined stomach, ceramic-coated teeth and possesses a dog-sensitive nose. He is paid fortunes, flown across the globe in private jets and generally treated like an Emperor…an Emperor of food. Clients don’t eat until I have eaten from their plates. My most recent client lives in Dubai and for security purposes shall remain nameless, which is just as well,  for his name is so bloody long I find it difficult to pronounce. By the time I had finished tasting the gentleman’s grub, all that was left on the plate was a single sheep’s eye and a mangy leg of mutton with teeth marks in it. My name is Johnny Eatwell and I am the greatest food taster in the world. Should you wish to avail yourself of my services, get in touch via this website and we can meat…fish or pastry. Honestly, I’ll eat anything!

WOULD YOU EVER GO ON AN INDEFINITE HUNGER STRIKE?

English: Protesters on "Day 53" of t...

English: Protesters on “Day 53” of their hunger strike, drawing attention to Iranian refugees living in Camp Ashraf, Iraq. The protesters are camped in front of the Blair House complex, located on the corner of Jackson Place and Pennsylvania Avenue, N.W., in Washington, D.C., one block west from the White House. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Well, would you…but only in order to take a stand on a point of principle…to defend Democracy perhaps, or to attack Tyranny? History is littered with examples of those who have undertaken to deny themselves food and water in order to highlight a perceived injustice! Human rights violations…animal rights violations…persecuted minorities, irreversible environmental damage. There really is a lot to demonstrate against, isn’t there? One could almost make a career around it, so best to get a job with flexi-leave!

It goes without saying one must have strong principles indeed to deny oneself food and possibly even water too. I have strong principles, and I would be prepared to make a stand upon a subject I hold dear…but a hunger strike…no, never! Loyalty is my middle name, and my first loyalty must be to FOOD! It has kept me going all these years, and I am not about to abandon it! Besides, I wouldn’t want my kidneys to go into shock, for I have yet to write my finest book. I must consider the loss to the literary world should I die prematurely on a point of principle. I’ll just have to find another way to get my point across! Oh why oh why must it always be a f**king hunger strike? Can’t it just occasionally be a pig out demonstration?

NATIONAL HEALTH SERVICE UNDER THE MICROSCOPE!

English: NHS logo

English: NHS logo (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

The wilful neglect of patients is to be made a criminal offence under NHS reforms being introduced in the wake of unnecessary hospital deaths. British Prime Minister David Cameron said health workers who mistreated and abused patients would face “the full force of the law”. The offence will be modelled on laws against the wilful neglect of adults under the Mental Capacity Act, punishable by fines or up to five years in prison. Cameron said, “Never again will we allow substandard care, cruelty or neglect to go unnoticed and unpunished. This is not about a hospital worker who makes a mistake, but specific cases where a patient has been neglected or ill-treated.”

Meanwhile, father-of-three, from Stoke-on-Trent, Staffordshire, brain tumour patient, Steve Taylor, 40, has had to wear a hard hat to protect his brain since part of his skull was removed in January after three operations to repair his skull were cancelled. The third op was cancelled, again at the last minute because there was no hospital bed available. Mr Taylor’s operation has now been rescheduled for a fourth time and is due to take place on November 25. Let’s hope it goes ahead!

A disgraced NHS heart surgeon John Chen Lui Lu, who caused infections which led to the deaths of five patients has been allowed back to work. Mr Lu who had a habit of constantly changing his gloves in the middle of heart surgery between December 2008 and July 2010 caused 11 out of 28 heart value patients to contract staphylococcus. Dennis Mills, 82, Michael Smithers, 67, Bernard Heald, 83, Alan Daniels, 73 and Albert Rigley, 63, all from Nottinghamshire, died as a result of contracting the epidermidis bacteria.

Lillian Baddeley, 81, died within eight months of contracting four separate superbugs on four separate occasions at a brand new £400 million ‘super-hospital’, the University Hospital of North Staffordshire. The patient allegedly caught E-coli twice, ESBL and Enterobacter.

Almost 1,100 women in the west Midlands are caught up in a breast cancer scandal after their treatment was botched by a surgeon working for the NHS. Many have been forced to undergo additional operations because of failures to remove cancerous tissue. The NHS now faces a multimillion compensation bill while the suspended surgeon at the centre of the scandal is under investigation by the police and the medical authorities. He was found to have used an experimental technique called “cleavage sparing” when carrying out breast removal, which left a small amount of tissue for cosmetic reasons. The procedure breached national guidelines which state that leaving tissue after a mastectomy increases the likelihood of cancer recurring.

While ten medics and nurses were gathered around the anaesthetised patient who was undergoing an undisclosed procedure at the Western General Hospital in Edinburgh, the patient slid off an operating table and fell onto the floor! As the surgeon tilted the operating table to get better access, apparently nobody had the foresight to stop the patient slipping to the floor. Restraints meant to secure the patient had not been tied and a sheet was covering the gel pads which are designed to help grip the body. Benny Hill’s legacy of ineptitude is everywhere!

According to research done by Professor Sir Brian Jarman of Imperial College London, vast numbers of ‘excess deaths’ at 15 hospital trusts went undetected during the last Labour government. 5o,000 more patients died in NHS hospitals than was expected. Ah, no wonder you can’t get into a cemetery…they’re all full!

*I wonder whether David Cameron will insist on the new criminal offence of ‘wilful neglect of patients’ be applied...retrospectively?

LET’S SAVE THE PLANET!

A View of Earth from Saturn

A View of Earth from Saturn (Photo credit: alpoma)

Barack Obama today unveiled the most ambitious plan to counter climate change ever put forward by a US president, saying he would not condemn future generations “to a planet that is beyond fixing”. He announced he was imposing the first-ever limits on carbon emissions from power plants, the single largest source of pollution in the US.

At various times in the life-cycle of a politician, he or she will pay lip-service to environmental concerns such as the reduction of carbon emissions and global warming, a theory by the way now rubbished in some quarters. Carbons emissions may have been reduced in cars and jet planes by the use of much more efficient engines, however there are many more of both on the roads and in the sky at any one time, and the effects of emissions remain CUMULATIVE.

How can anyone save planet Earth when government-backed public and private companies are insistent upon tearing up the ground beneath our feet to extract raw materials like oil. Without oil, you wouldn’t have a plastics industry. Now a new major threat to Earth in my opinion is fracking for shale gas. Rain forests are disappearing at a rate of knots, and with them, vital carbon dioxide, and lets not go into the environmental damage caused by waging wars. Yes, it may be small, but over say 300 years, the effect is again cumulative. Radioactive material with a shelf-life of 200 years is buried underground. Toxic waste is dumped at sea, etcetera, etcetera. Oh! According to the UK’s Food Standard Agency, 76% of oysters grown in sea-based oyster beds have traces of the norovirus in them, and must therefore be filtrated and treated by ultra-violet light for 43 hours before consumption. Oh wonderful!

Earth is the only planet in our solar system that can sustain life, yet we continue to shit on it, literally. Sure, the air quality has improved in Europe over recent years, but that’s nothing to do with our efforts. We’ve merely shifted heavy industry to the Far East and to Russia, which by the way, if my information is correct, remains the catalytic converter ( vehicle emissions control) capital in the world. In parts of desolate Russia you can’t see from one side of the road to the other side. In parts of China too. All we have managed to do is to spread bad air around.

Meanwhile, back at the farm, Britain is NOT on track to meet its targets to cut greenhouse gas emissions through the 2020s. Last year emissions rose by 3.5%, with dirtier fossil fuel rising from 30% to 39%, and to avoid a massive EU fine, the government rolled out a new £3 billion domestic energy-saving scheme (cavity wall insulation, energy-efficient boilers). The up-grade assessment will cost each householder £150, and of the 10,000 homes expected to borrow from the ‘green’ scheme over one year, only 2 have thus far done so. Perhaps its the 7% interest on the loan householders don’t care for, that, and the penalty payments and hidden charges?

I’ve said it before, and I will say it again, there will certainly be a legacy for our children and our children’s children, but if we don’t change our ways there won’t be a living soul down here in 400 years. Why do you think NASA is so desperate to get to MARS and build a colony, because the people who know are well aware that Earth is a dying planet and there is nothing anyone is prepared to do to save her, because in order to save her, we would all have to do without those things we have come to rely upon, and through our reliance, conglomerates make TRILLIONS of dollars. Companies like Anglo American, BHP Billton, Rio Tinto, Mittal Steel and GlencoreXtrata are ripping the heart out of Earth. Then again, you and I insist upon having the latest flat-screen TV and mobile phone, don’t we! Remember, most of the constituent parts originate from under the ground. No, I’m not for a minute suggesting we return to living in caves, but a compromise MUST be made, and that means giving up certain things. What are you prepared to give up? Prayer can’t hurt, on the other hand, if God intended interceding on behalf of Mother Earth, well, don’t you think He would have done it by now?  ‘A journey of a thousand miles begins beneath one’s feet!’ (Not me, but Chinese philosopher Laozi). So come on, take the first step with me!

Signed,

A concerned citizen!

G20 MEMBERS MEET AT THE CONSTANTINE PALACE, ST PETERSBURG!

English: Bashar al-Assad under pressure

English: Bashar al-Assad under pressure (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

TRANSCRIPT OF PRIVATE CONVERSATION BETWEEN UK PRIME MINISTER DAVID CAMERON AND US PRESIDENT BARACK OBAMA.

DC: ‘Barack…I’ve changed my mind…I’m with you…let’s bomb the f**k out of those Syrian gassers!’

BO: ‘David, what about possible collateral damage?’

DC: ‘What? I’ve said I’ll join you…surely you don’t expect me to put up collateral too? F**k it Barack…you’re on your own again!’

BO: ‘But David, what about our extra-special relationship?’

DC: ‘Barack, it’s been downgraded to that of two consenting adults being treated at the same STD clinic!’

BO: ‘Well f**k you!’

DC: ‘Too late, I said it first!’

The US Senate’s Foreign Relations Committee has given Pres Obama 90 days to ‘bash up’ Bashar al-Assad, permitting the US Pres a ‘limited & tailored’ military operation. Well, 90 days is more than enough, because once removed from the armoury, locked, loaded into position beneath jets and dropped into submarine silos, the CRUISE MISSILES only have 47 days of insurance coverage anyway, provided of course they are only used for ‘social, domestic, pleasure and commuting’ purposes.

MEANWHILE…”Former Bashar al-Assad aide gets fleas in Turkey!” Err, so solly…I meant of course, former Bashar al-Assad aide FLEES to Turkey!

PLOT TO KILL PRES OBAMA WITH X-RAY GUN!

English: Barack Obama delivers a speech at the...

English: Barack Obama delivers a speech at the University of Southern California (Video of the speech) (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Two men in New York built a portable x-ray gun to kill Barack Obama and Muslims claims the FBI. Apparently the device would shoot lethal doses of radiation at their targets.

Many years ago I read an unsubstantiated story concerning two consecutive American ambassadors to Russia, (1970s/80s). Each contracted the same type of rare cancer associated with radiation poisoning. It was suggested that Russian agents positioned a powerful x-ray machine in a room in an office building opposite the American ambassadors office. It too supposedly shot out lethal doses of radiation at its targets. I don’t know how much truth there is in this. The story could merely be the invention of someone’s fertile imagination, or disinformation. Indeed I cannot find anything relating to the story on the Internet, so take it with a pinch of salt or not!

U.S. PLAN TALKS WITH TALIBAN!

Taliban bounty flyer

Taliban bounty flyer (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

An utter waste of time! As soon as the last US soldier takes his foot off Afghan soil, the Taliban will return the country to the 16th century, only to protect the land with stolen and donated 21 century weapons!

*Update 26/06/13.

Taliban fighters carried out a suicide attack in the heart of Kabul…the Presidential Palace and the CIA HQ were their apparent targets! There is no point in holding peace talks with an organisation that is split into cells which operate independently to each other.

VAMPIRES IN THE BRITISH SECRET SERVICE!

1897 poster for Secret Service by William Gill...

1897 poster for Secret Service by William Gillette. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

I happened to be leafing through the classified jobs section of the Evening Standard looking for vampire related job opportunities, (I’d had a good offer for the dry cleaning business) when I couldn’t help but notice an advertisement placed on behalf of MI5. Obviously the tried and tested method of recruiting people into the Secret Service, vis a vis canvassing university campuses was no longer providing the Service with the calibre of recruit it had come to expect; Burgess, Philby, MacLean, Blake, Bettaney were all good eggs. Today’s graduate has little interest in the nation’s security. He takes drugs and listens to rock music. On the whole, Communism is much …quieter.

” WORKING WITH MI5!  You may be coming to the end of your time at school or college, or returning to work after a break, or just looking for something new. A successful candidate will be asked to perform a range of routine but vital ‘paper related’ tasks, such as filing and filing maintenance.’ “ I supposed lethal paper cuts were not unheard of. I read on.  ” In your new role, you will receive formal initial training, followed by …” Reading between the lines I guessed this involved Kung Fu and car chases. The advert finished with; “Try and avoid telling too many people about your application, because discretion is a serious part of working for the Security Service. ”  Tarquin was confused. Was this not a half page advertisement in a newspaper with a circulation in the millions? Who were they kidding?  Anyway, I returned an attached coupon together with an up to date Curriculum Vitae to CAPITA RAS, Innovation  Court, New  Street, Basingstoke, Hampshire, RG21 7JB. Ref: C3579, thought no more about it and got on with the job of meeting, fucking and killing members of the general public.   

Several weeks later I received a letter from The Secret Service inviting me to an interview. Arriving at a secret location, (it took me ages to find) MI5 offices in the City were located between the Citibank and Credit Swisse buildings. The Millbank headquarters were obviously too secret for even me to find, which was a pity because the number 83 bus stopped right outside it.

Sat in a waiting room with six other mixed race applicants, it immediately became clear that I would make the better secret agent. I was tough, had killed, was inhuman, (always an advantage when dealing with black-marketeers), was heterosexual, a rarity in the Service, I didn’t need to eat between meals, and wind assisted, could leap small buildings. Plus, I could act stealthily, operate covertly and had pretty joined up writing. Why, I was already looking forward to spy school. I hid a copy of The Beano inside a copy of The New Statesman and waited for my turn to arrive.

Shown into an office, I found myself sitting opposite a dour looking, grey haired woman in her fifties. She introduced herself as one Missus Marriot.

” How do you do Mr Messenger? “

” I do very well thank you Missus.”

” We have received your job application form. Hence you are here.”

” I thought it might impress you,” I said, brimming with confidence.

” Yes, my colleagues and I have perused it with great interest.”

” I’m in then, am I?”

” Not quite yet.” The interviewer began cleaning a pair of reading glasses. “To be perfectly honest Mr Messenger, we don’t normally recruit candidates without a degree or special language skills. However, I found you C.V. so very interesting, I decided to grant you an interview nonetheless.”

” Many thanks Missus. “

She raised the glasses to her face. “I see you managed to attain a grade 5 CSE in mathematics, and a grade 2 CSE in woodwork.”

” Impressive eh? “

” I note that you have neither Sciences nor computer skills.”

My response? “I don’t believe in being over qualified.”

“Clearly!” She placed the glasses down again. “Well Mr Messenger, what makes you believe that you possess skills that might be of value to the Service?” For some unfathomable reason the interview was not going my way. Mentioning that I was a vampire would no doubt have driven the final nail into my coffin. So I said, “I’m naturally underhanded and sneaky, plus, I can run very, very fast, particularly when I’m being chased!”

“Anything else?”

“Err, I can hold my breath under water for eight whole minutes…eleven if someone’s standing on my shoulders. Oh, I’m good with animals!”

“And children?”

“I’m, err, better with animals.”

“I see. Now as you will no doubt appreciate most of our work is highly sensitive. Understandably we are obliged to undertake an in depth background check on all prospective candidates.”

“Oh. I suppose you’ve found out about the prison sentence I once served for wielding a standard sized turkey leg.”

” I have Mr Messenger. And have you forgotten about Jerusalem? “

I felt something stick in my throat. I think it was an artichoke. “Does that mean I’m out?”

” Not necessarily. There isn’t a man or woman alive who hasn’t made at least one mistake in their lives.”

” Oh, they weren’t mistakes Missus. “

” Anyway, what else would you bring to the table?”

“Well, lets see.” I thought for a moment. “I have a mauve belt in karate. Guns, I like guns too. I’ve found nothing gets a man more erect than a big bang.”

“Well, you certainly appear cerebral.”

“I think so Missus. Why most days I can get away with using only half the twenty-seven letters of the English alferbet.”

“That’s very interesting. Let us continue. ”

“Yes, let’s,” I said.

“Your mauve belt in karate, would you say you that are a student of the martial arts?”

“Student? Why I once shoved a finger up a girlfriend’s arsehole.”

“And this is relevant because…”

“She could neither speak nor move for twenty minutes. I think I must have paralysed one of her meridian lines.”

“And what did the young lady say when she recovered?”

“Ow!”

“Hmm. Now what about your mental health? For instance, have you ever seen a psychiatrist?”

“Err, no,” I said, lying. “I make a point of never dating anyone who’s cleverer than me.”

“That must make dating particularly difficult.”

“Oh I don’t know.”

“Now I am aware foreign languages are…”

“Foreign to me? Listen Missus, I might not be fluent in a foreign tongue, but I do have at command thirty words in Hebrew, nine in Patois, seven in Cockney rhyming slang, four in Latin, plus I know how to ask for a toilet in French. Reference the Hebrew, I’ve found  ‘oy veh’ has often come in quite handy.”

” I see! Tell me, what are you like with software? “

” To be honest Missus, I really don’t see myself in a cream coloured cotton safari suit. It’ed clash with my complexion.”

” I meant…computer software. What are your skills like where that is concerned?”

” What’s a … com….pu…ter? “

” Hmm. And people, what are you like with them?”

” Good. I like people, providing of course they don’t speak with a nasty foreign accent.”

“Sciences?”

I shrugged. “What goes up, must come down, eventually. There you have it. Wait!  I’ve read a bit about arseholes.” Missus Marriot fixed me with one of those typical Secret Service stares.  “I do beg your pardon,” I said. “Naturally, I meant black holes.” The woman remained unimpressed, as in fact did I.

“And how are you at keeping secrets?”

“I’m afraid I cannot answer that.”

“Good reply Mr Messenger.” I was quids in again. Then she got personal.  “Describe to me your sexual orientation if you would.”

“Oh, err…I prefer to do it in bed, ” I replied, “rather than out in the open. Frankly, I always get lost orienteering. Now Missus, if the information is of use to you, I can wank in time to the William Tell Overture without dislocating my joint.” I got that Service stare again. “And if you need someone to seduce a female enemy agent, well, I’m your man, provided of course she ain’t an ugly Doris.”

“But would not an enemy agent be trained to resist seduction?”

“Oh, I hadn’t thought of that, however, I would be willing to give it a go…you know, for Queen and country and all that.” Next I played my trump card. I casually took out my old school tie. It was blue with red diagonal stripes. There was a bit of yellow in it too. That was eggy.

” Why are you showing me that? “

” Well,” I said, “from what I’ve read, the security services are full of old school tie types. So you’d save money straight away. I’d wear my own one.” The interview was terminated. I learned a few days later that I hadn’t got in. There must have been too much Jew in me. They’re hated in government circles you know. See, Jews are always trying to turn a circle into a square. Huh! ‘Their loss’ I thought. I’d stick to dry cleaning and killing civilians.

                                         

NEW DISNEY ‘THEME PARK’ AT GUANTANAMO BAY DETENTION CAMP!

"Guantanamo" by Carlos Latuff.

“Guantanamo” by Carlos Latuff. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

My sources tell me it won’t be long now before GITMO closes. The DISNEY Corporation has already put in a sizable bid to turn the detention camp into a THEME PARK, to include a Las Vegas style WEDDING CHAPEL. Yes, you too can spend the weekend in an orange jumpsuit, locked in a cell eating shit while denied sleep. The idea is, when you return home you will never again moan about your life choices. So I guess it’s a question of GITMO TO THE CHURCH ON TIME!