I’M JESUS…OH NO YOU’RE NOT, I’M JESUS!

The Resurrection of Christ (Kinnaird Resurrection)

The Resurrection of Christ (Kinnaird Resurrection) (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Former IT specialist Alan John Miller runs a religious movement known as the ‘Divine Truth’ from his home near the small town of Kingaroy in the state of Queensland. Mr Miller claims that not only is he CHRIST resurrected, but his girlfriend, Mary Luck, is in fact MARY MAGDALENE, who according to the Bible was present at the crucifixion.

He told Sky News: “I have very clear memories of the crucifixion. When you are one with God you are not in a state of fear, and you have quite good control over your body’s sensations and the level of pain that you absorb from your body.” After his crucifixion the Australian claims he entered the spirit world where he met people like Plato, Socrates, past popes and presidents. I bet he didn’t think to get any AUTOGRAPHS!

Alan Miller also claims to have performed miracles. “I did resurrect quite a number of people … including a friend of mine LAZARUS.” Well folks, as far as I’m concerned, a friend in need is often a pain in the ass! All joking aside, I’m really quite DEVASTATED. Miller beat me by six weeks. You see I intended to declare myself JESUS. I was just waiting to grow my hair long and lose a few pounds! I suppose I’ll have to settle for calling myself PETER THE FISHERMAN. Does anyone know how to fish, because my only experience of fishing is opening a tin of tuna!

Aravindan Balakrishnan, the alleged head of a Maoist sect in Lambeth, south-east London, is accused of keeping three women slaves, for 30 years! “I am Christ, follow me,” he would say, and they did! Over the years, I’ve noticed many cult/sect leaders…men only…have declared themselves to be Jesus Christ figures. They all have six things in common! 1) Do my bidding, 2) Forgive all my future sins, 3) Cut yourself off from your family, 4) Lay down beside me, 5) Toil, so I don’t have to, and 6) Hand over all your assets! If memory serves, didn’t the real Jesus Christ advocate the complete opposite?

A 66-year-old Brazilian man calling himself  Inri Cristo has spent 35 years preaching the word of God, because he believes he is the reincarnation of Jesus. He claims to have hundreds of followers from around the world, including the UK, Britain and France. Since 1979 he has travelled for 27 countries to spread his word, however his controversial views has seen him expelled from the US, Britain and Venezuela and detained by police more than 40 times. Inri Cristo now runs his own church outside of Brasilia, the capital of Brazil, which he refers to as the ‘New Jerusalem’. Most of Cristo’s disciples who live with him at his church are in fact women. Oh what a surprise there! And I thought Elvis had hundreds of Impersonators! Maybe I really should called myself Jesus. I too could travel around spreading the word and my seed?

THE JESUS FISH!

English: Salmon Teriyaki - Sushi Tengu (Seattl...

English: Salmon Teriyaki – Sushi Tengu (Seattle) – Taken by Calvin Marquess (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Sweden…star date, today! Fish-factory workers who discovered a perfectly shaped cross on a Norwegian salmon’s belly have now decided to take the Jesus fish on a tour of the country. It’s been years since I read the Bible, but I don’ t ever recall reading Jesus fed the 4000 with salmon! Perhaps this story is a red herring?

SWINGERS PARTIES!

Poster for the film Swingers

Poster for the film Swingers (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

I spoke to dyslexic friend Joe the other day. We hadn’t seen one another for three whole years. Over two coffees he explained that although he was now divorced, his love life had never been so healthy. Joe attends SWINGERS parties you see, and he’ll think nothing of travelling three miles to a venue. I said, “But aren’t you afraid of catching a sexually transmitted disease?” He said not. I pressed Joe. “But what about gonorrhoea?” My friend replied, “Well I can’t be expected to know EVERYONE’S names!”

TRY KEEPING IT IN YOUR PANTS!

English: Titlepage and dedication from a 1612-...

English: Titlepage and dedication from a 1612-1613 King James Bible, printed by Robert Barker. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

One of my neighbours, John, has 14 children by five different women. The man hasn’t done a days work in his life. When I suggested that he was IRRESPONSIBLE and a DRAIN on the local economy, he whipped out a copy of the King James Bible and opened it at Genesis. “I’m part of the Replenishment Movement,” he said. “So I go forth and multiply,” which is exactly what the John suggested I do, but not quite so politely!

MAN JAILED FOR BESTIALITY FACES VICTIM IN COURT…A GOAT!

Feral goat in Aruba

Feral goat in Aruba (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

A man found guilty of having sex with a goat was forced to come face to face with his victim, after the animal was brought into court as a witness.  Having placed a toe on a copy of the Bible, the goat was warned not to butt in when the defendant gave evidence. Katana Kitsao Gona, 28, has been jailed for 10 years after admitting sexually abusing the bound animal in the Kenyan town of Malindi. The nanny goat…whose identity was kept secret, put on a brave front when facing her abuser. Kenyan media said it was rare for animals to be presented as evidence in court cases. I bet! Meanwhile US magazine Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Edition has offered the victim in this sordid little affair an exclusive double page spread. Miss ‘X’ has yet to respond!

THE ‘GOD’ DIET!

English: A Big Mac sandwich taken at Velika Go...

English: A Big Mac sandwich taken at Velika Gorica, Croatia. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Officially known as the Daniel Fast, avoiding eating meat, fish, bread and any sweetened or processed foods, one eats nothing but fruit, vegetables and whole grains.The eating plan is based on that followed by the Old Testament prophet, Daniel who consistently refused Big Macs, pizzas, chicken Provencal, spaghetti bolognese, waffles and chocolate eclairs. Well I say, more fool him! No wonder the man led a miserable life. I bet Daniel never got laid either!

A CARDINAL SIN!

Cover of "Perfect Day"

Cover of Perfect Day

As a tribute to Reed who died on Sunday, the Vatican’s culture minister, Gianfranco Cardinal Ravasi  tweeted lyrics to Lou Reed’s Perfect Day to his 57,000 followers without realising they refer to drugs. Ravasi tweeted ‘Oh, it’s such a perfect day  I’m glad I spend it with you Oh, such a perfect day You just keep me hanging on  (Lou Reed)’ from his account @CardRavasi. Once the faux pas had been brought to his attention, Cardinal Ravasi re-tweeted, quoting the Bible. He wrote: ‘Be under no illusion: God will not  be fooled. You’re going to reap just what you sow (Galatians 6,7 and Lou Reed in  Perfect Day’.

Cardinal Ravasi…you call yourself a culture minister? Before attempting to appeal to the masses, you should get out more. Don’t act cool unless you arecool! Drugs may be a sin, but so is general ignorance!

JUDGES BID TO BAN THE BIBLE FROM COURTROOMS!

Bible

Bible (Photo credit: Sean MacEntee)

Defendants and witnesses in British courts may no longer be required to swear on the Bible to tell the truth under controversial plans being considered by a powerful body of judges. The historic change will be debated this month by the Magistrates’ Association, and if it is voted through, the organisation’s influential policy committee will draw up plans to be sent to the Ministry of Justice.

But why dispense with swearing the traditional religious oath on the bible? Apparently there are concerns that some defendants and witnesses giving evidence in criminal cases no longer take it seriously. Instead, individuals would promise to tell the truth without mentioning God, and would acknowledge they could be jailed if they are caught lying. But what’s the diff? As baksheesh is essential to the smooth running of a commercial enterprise, perjury is to the miscarriage of justice! Critics point out that the binning of the bible oath would further erode Britain’s Christian heritage….but surely that’s already been well and truly shat upon!

Personally, I wouldn’t be so quick to bin the oath on a copy of the New Testament, after all, Muslims can swear on the Koran, Jews on the Old Testament, occultists on the Satanic bible and those of you that follow the Jedi Religion, on a star chart. You see, an oath isn’t going to stop someone from lying. You know what they say, don’t you…’Give a lie twenty-four hours start, and you’ll never overtake it!’