kill switch

A lot of us have been inconvenienced by having our smartphones stolen. The psychological damage should not be underestimated. Oh it’s not just the loss of the device, or the bother of making an insurance claim, it’s the loss of valuable data and photos, both personal and commercial that is most irksome!

Finally Apple and Samsung have incorporated a kill switch into their smartphones which would allow the devices to be disabled if they are stolen. Google and Microsoft intend doing the same. Up ’til now users were only able to lock their screens to prevent strangers from gaining access to devices. Enterprising thieves would often hack into mobile phones to remove the barriers or instead replace SIM cards A kill switch would allow devices to be disabled by phone operators and manufacturers even if thieves had taken this action.

Frankly I don’t believe the proposed kill switch is going far enough. I think tech manufacturers should incorporate not a ‘faux’ kill switch, but a real kill switch into their mobile devices, so the next time my smartphone is purloined, a small hi-tech shape charge will actually blow the thief’s head clean off of his shoulders as soon as he puts my device to his ear, or blow off his nuts should he place my device in his trouser pocket! Either way, death or castration will indeed prove a deterrent to keeping thieves sticky fingers off other people’s property! Not until I walk down the West End of London kicking heads & nuts out the way and into the nearest gutter will I be satisfied the mobile device pilfering epidemic is over! What, my kill switch adaptation is too uncivilized? Then what about a high-voltage electrical charge designed to lobotomize a smartphone thief? Still too radical a suggestion? Oh I get it, you advocate another type of intervention! Well you meet the thief for a cappuccino and croissant if you like, but I warn you, a sociological resolution seldom works!


cold calling

Well I bloody well am! I get them on a regular basis on both my mobile phone and my land line, despite inclusion on the Telephone Preference (opting out) Service (TPS)! Most cold calls are from humans with thick accents located thousands of miles away in the Indian subcontinent, but some calls are recorded messages on all manner of things…will writing, Payment Protection Insurance (PPI) refunds, bank account over-charging refunds, warranties on white goods and computers, boiler insurance…the list goes on and on!  If I bought all the warranties I truly needed, I’d be living on beans on toast! Meanwhile the British Government has been energised in to taking action after ministers heard evidence that six in ten householders are reluctant to answer their phones because of the menace of nuisance calling. ‘Action’ is much larger fines, and holding bosses personally liable. Really? Of what good is that when 90% of the cold calls emanate from call centres in India?

If people insist on bothering me at the most inopportune moment, well I’ve decided to have some fun!My standard replies to cold callers are:

1) “Can I speak to…”

“No you bloody well can’t. He’s died a horrible death involving a RED HOT POKER. Do you want the details?”

2) “Can I speak to…”

“That depends, are you PSYCHIC? The geezer you want to speak to died of HEMORRHAGIC FEVER. The one where all your INTERNAL ORGANS LIQUIFY. So if you’re phoning to try to sell me a JUICER, you can jolly well FUCK OFF!”

3) “Can I speak to Mrs…”

“Oh what a shame, you’re ten minutes too late. I’ve just BURIED the COW in the back garden!”

4) “Have you had an accident in the last…”

“Yeah, I’ve just PISSED MYSELF!

5) “Can I speak to…”

“That depends, are you trying to SELL me something?” (He says not). “In that case get off the bloody phone. This line’s only for SALESPERSONS!”

6) “Can I speak to…”

“Only if you want to come round for a FULL BODY MASSAGE from someone with LEPROSY!”

7) “Can I speak to…”

“I think you have the wrong number. This is the Watford STD clinic. Unless you’re suffering from a rather nasty genital infection, I suggest you hang up and re-dial!”





PackagingExceedExample (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Our government bangs on at us about acting ENVIRONMENTALLY responsibly by cutting down on waste materials. I have to say that much of it…WASTE is created by manufacturers and suppliers, who use far TOO MUCH cardboard when wrapping their products. You open a container of dried milk and it is only 75% filled. Manufacturers reduce the contents, but are afraid to reduce the packaging in case the consumer feel he/she is being cheated. How many times have you ordered something online and it arrives surrounded by a disproportionate amount of packaging. Why the packaging can often weigh four times that of the item within. I often despair, wondering what I’m going to do with all that cardboard. It is manufacturers who should act in a more environmentally responsible manner. I’m doing my bit, supermarkets and their suppliers should do theirs! If I had kept all the unnecessary packaging over the years…cardboard, tissue, foam, bubble wrap…I could have built myself an ‘eco friendly’ house!

On the subject of WASTE, it is said 18 million packets of processed food are thrown away by British families each year. That is, 13.5 tons of sausages, burgers and meat pies. Instead of wasting it, it should be to put good use! Here’s a thought, why not use it to build the first PROTEIN-based office block? Hell, the penicillin grown on it could be used to treat bacterial infections! Now if you were to include in the sausage, burger and meat pie foundations a small amount of radioactive waste, well, the office block could heat itself! I’m off to buy a new blue suit. I’ll need it when I pick up my Nobel Peace Prize!


English: Logo for The Shopping Channel

English: Logo for The Shopping Channel (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Sometimes late at night when there’s nothing worth watching on T.V. I unwind by flicking between the jewellery shopping channels; QVC, Bid TV, Gem TV, Rocks& Co, The Jewellery Channel, etcetera, etcetera. Now I know they are not supposed to be amusing, but I often can’t stop myself from giggling, for the rock crystals that are supposedly rare are in fact to be found in several places on Earth. The most over-used adjectives are ‘DESIGNER,’ ‘SUPURB,’ ‘STUNNING,’ ‘RARE,‘ and ‘LIMITED STOCK.’  Let’s not forget the ‘P & P,’ £7:99, and the cost of the phone call, £1:53. The P & P and phone call is where the channel makes some of its money, but people don’t get it. Most of the items on offer are what I consider to be SCHMUTTER! Did not once the British, the Spanish, the French and the Portuguese all trade baubles and beads to backward tribesmen for favours?


English: I put some boxers in the floor

English: I put some boxers in the floor (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Nothing remains out of fashion for very long. Cloth, cuts and styles are merely re-vamped every so often and sent to the market place. So you will not be surprised to learn that the latest must have underwear for teenage girls are men’s brightly coloured, satin boxer shorts. Stitched across the exposed elasticized band is a strap-line made popular in the 1960s. What is it? ‘Shit happens!’



bat shit

For years I tried but failed to grow award-winning flowers and vegetables, that is until I discovered the benefits of that most distinguished of natural fertilisers, GUANO, or BAT SHIT! Full of nitrogen, phosphorus and potassium, it’s the best plant nutrient I’ve ever come across…far better than barnyard manure or commercial fertiliser. Hell, if it was good enough for the Incas, it’s good enough for me, but, it ain’t cheap! I’ve decided to re-mortgage my house in order to build a guano filtration plant, or BAT SHITTERY! Then all I need do is hire some poor schmuck to go and fetch me some guano. Really, I’m bat shit over bat shit!!

Meanwhile, around 100,000 bats are estimated to have died as a result of the recent heatwave in southern Queensland.


English: Logo of Marks & Spencer

English: Logo of Marks & Spencer (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Retailer ‘M & S’ has been in decline for years. The board of directors can’t blame high street competition nor Internet sales. They sell too many lines, and their clothing is too expensive, despite the fact that much of it is produced abroad. Over the last twenty years, once loyal customers have deserted the store chain in droves. Anyone in business will tell you that re-attracting an old customer is almost IMPOSSIBLE. The YOUTH market has to a large extent been ignored by M & S, and it is youth who spend the most money on clothing. Top Shop is considered TRENDY, Marks & Spencer is not. Now M & S is selling men’s overcoats for £600 and suits for £800. Oh sure, these lines will do well in their Oxford Street flagship store, but nowhere else. When I was a kid, one of the trendiest places for fashion was Harrods ‘Way In’ boutique. Why hasn’t M & S ever emulated it? It is only a matter of time before the company is swallowed up by a faceless private equity firm, or an Arab Sovereign fund. This is what happens when there is no one left on the board representing the original Jewish founders. Shame, shame, shame!

Marks & Spencer is doomed! The company spends millions of pounds on celebrity-backed television advertising which does not convert into the massive sales. Before a Top Shop makeover by Phillip Green, before Next, before Primark, before ASOS, before the Internet M & S had the high street to themselves, but no longer. If you are not considered trendy, you had better be cheap. As I have said, Marks & Spencer is not, far from it!


English: mobile phone text message

English: mobile phone text message (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

In the event of a nuclear disaster or terrorist attack, the UK government plans to warn me via a text message on my mobile phone. It is intended a new alert system will steer me away from danger and tell me where to get help. That’s all very well, but unfortunately I live in a valley where there is little to no mobile phone coverage, thanks to a group of local do-gooders who vigorously campaigned to get rid of phone masts. So, should a natural or manmade chemical, biological or nuclear disaster happen my way, it looks like I will only get to hear about it when my breathing becomes laboured and my eyes pop out of my head. I shall remain in the dark unless my idiot cousin Jeffrey can train his racing pigeons to carry messages to me. I’m not holding my breath! So far none of Jeff’s birds have ever made it home, so there’s little chance they’ll ever make it to my home! “Sorry, no service!”

*In the event of a nuclear disaster, is factor 500 sun screen sufficient to protect my oh so soft skin, and am I likely to lose the freckles women find so endearing?


Modern kitchen

Modern kitchen (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

I want a new, free 46 inch flat screen TV, a new, free fitted kitchen, a new, free fitted bathroom, a new, free laptop and i-pad, free first class travel, subsidised cordon bleu meals and cocaine, and free foreign holidays. Alas, I have no choice but to stand as a member of parliament! My electioneering strapline? “Hey buddy, don’t do as I do, do as I say!”


Grilled cheddar cheese and Vegemite on toast.

Grilled cheddar cheese and Vegemite on toast. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

According to a survey by the British Nutrition Foundation, one in three primary schoolchildren believe cheese is produced from plants. How bloody ignorant! Everyone knows that cheese is produced from sweat between the toes of dirty feet. My friend Mike has athletes feet. So far this year he has produced three truckles of extra-strong Cheddar. Enjoy!




London (Photo credit: @Doug88888)

People in the know…estate agents…are suggesting the London property market has made a remarkable recovery since the 2008 worldwide financial meltdown. This claim cannot be validated! The truth is, the average Joe still finds it difficult to get a mortgage to buy his first home, the price of which is often out of his reach anyway. Existing homeowners who might wish to move, often cannot find anyone to buy their homes. Thousands of London’s commercial properties remain empty and boarded up. So where exactly can you find this remarkable recovery? Answer, the private rental market! Thanks to the influx of hundreds of thousands of economic migrants, there are now more people desperate to rent a room, a flat or a house than there is accommodation available, hence those particular properties have risen in value. And what about at the top end of the housing market? Here, the answer is that dirty, filthy money brought into the country by government-backed gangsters from Eastern Europe and Asia…people who have systematically raped and pillaged their countries vast natural resources…is used to buy up mansions in and around Central London. I doubt there’s one legitimate businessman/woman among them!

By the by, the quickest and easiest way of washing dirty money…in Britain… is to buy control of a soccer club, which many foreigners have! ‘So come to Britain…we won’t just wash your toxic waste, we’ll wash your dirty, blood soaked money too!’


Cannibalism as fine dining.

Cannibalism as fine dining. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Following a recent post regarding my experience of ‘fine dining’ at a 2 star Michelin restaurant, the other night I had the opportunity to work in the kitchen belonging to not the fourth voted ‘best restaurant’ in the world, not the third best, not even the second best, but the 18,746th best restaurant in the entire f**king world. Frankly, it was an honour! Everyone in the kitchen suffered from TB, and this was reflected in the dishes that eventually went out. It wasn’t so much ‘fine dining’, as ‘rancid’ dining! However, the sauces were to die for, and I suspect over the next week or so, many of the diners will indeed meet their maker! Personally, I find chef sweat dripping into saucepans only enhances flavours. ‘Chez Shits’ even made its own butter, churned with loving care by Archie, the trained kitchen rat. I loved working there but I wouldn’t necessarily want to dine there, but you may, so hurry up down to Chez Shits before the adverse publicity forces it to close. Now eat…eat, it’s good for you!


Duracell AA alkaline batteries

Duracell AA alkaline batteries (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Dear Barbara, “My wife of 13 years is cheating on me with several men. I don’t know whether to stick by her, or kick her out?”

Barbara says, “My advice to you…provided you don’t love her any more, is to give your wife one last mighty screw, then kick her out!”

Dear Barbara, “My husband can’t stop masturbating. He says it is because he was born with three testicles. I don’t know what to do? My confidence has taken a hit.”

Barbara says, “F**k your self-esteem! A man with three testicles is about as rare as finding a bridge-playing albino camel. Hang on to your man at all costs!”

Dear Barbara, “My girlfriend refuses to make love to me.”

Barbara says, “Have you tried washing your feet?”

Dear Barbara, “I’ve just got married to the man of my dream. The only thing is, now that we’re married, he wants anal sex!”

Barbara says, “Perhaps you remind him of someone else? Anyway, keep biting the pillow!”

Dear Barbara, “I live alone and am considering using a vibrator. I’ve been told they are addictive. What should I do?”

Barbara says, “Well of course vibrators are bloody addictive. That’s the point. If you go ahead, I suggest you use Duracell batteries. They last up to six times longer than ordinary batteries. There’s nothing worse than having your vibrator cut out just as you are about to orgasm!”



“Honda_Cars_Car_dealership_Tokorozawa_Saitama” (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Car dealer Adil Hussain, 26, from Lenton, Nottinghamshire, who wound back clocks to wipe SIX MILLION miles off used cars and forged service histories of 74 vehicles he advertised online, has been jailed for fraud and ordered to repay £390,000.

I have a rule, and it is this! When buying a pre-used car, I always buy from a main agent. Buy a Honda from a Honda dealership and a Ford from a Ford dealership! Sure you pay a little bit more, but at least you get peace of mind! Right or wrong, I always assume second-hand car dealers act unscrupulously. It must be too much of a temptation not to clock a car!


Natural Resources Defense Council

Natural Resources Defense Council (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

I think we can agree our planet is suffering from over-population and a dwindling of essential natural resources. It is a situation we have never suffered from before, so I believe it is fair to address the question of profiteering in times of economic hardship! You may choose to call it ‘opportunism’ or even ‘entrepreneurship’, but the fact is, should hoarding a vital natural resource be permitted at this particular time in our history?

Hoarding forces the price up, causing ordinary people to suffer! For example, Japan’s Mitsubishi conglomerate has cornered a 40% share of the world market in bluefin tuna, one of the world’s most endangered fish. Mitsubishi freezes fish to sell years later as stock numbers plummet toward extinction, and will thus be able to name their price. Should temporary laws be brought in to prevent this despicable behaviour, or should Capitalism be allowed free rein to continue to plunder Earth’s resources, depriving ordinary citizens of the right to enjoy a foodstuff or energy-related product at a reasonable price? Profit for ‘profit sake’ has become a sickness! The divide between the very rich and the rest of us may one day cause an Internet organised worldwide revolution! I just hope I’m not alive to see it!

Oh you think I’m an alarmist do you? Wait until the price of fresh drinking water goes through the roof, because it is bound to if the profiteers have their way!