‘SEXERCISE’ TO BURN OFF CALORIES!

Oral sex is one of the most common fantasies a...

Oral sex is one of the most common fantasies among men and women (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Researchers from the University of Quebec in Canada claim to have discovered exactly how many calories the average person burns during sex.

Twenty-one heterosexual couples aged between 18  to 35 wore a SenseWeararmband that tracked their energy expenditure, resulting in the following conclusions! Young people burn an average of 4.2 calories a minute for men and 3.1 calories a minute for women. With the average session lasting 24.7 minutes, this equates to 104 calories for men and 69 for women. Sorry, I dispute these figures! The average sex session will include substantial oral sex, which I doubt burns off calories at the same rate as eventual jiggery-pokery, which lasts a lot less than 24.7 minutes! In any case, I never make love to a woman in order to lose weight, but I often make love to a woman when there’s nothing on the telly! Am I the last of the romantics…possibly! Why even British doctors have recently given sexercise their blessing, which is particularly useful for those lazy bastards who can’t get out of bed to exercise!

WHITE SUPREMACISTS IN NORTH DAKOTA!

Mel Brooks

Mel Brooks (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

WHITE SUPREMACIST, Craig Paul Cobb, 61, who was arrested in Canada for hate speech in 2010, has bought several lots in the town of Leith, North Dakota, allegedly with the aim of starting a neo-Nazi colony. Cobb has been using Craigslist to promote his plan, hoping to attract other supremacists to the leafy town. Sherrill and Bobby Harper, a mixed race couple who live in the town, said they have already been subjected to abuse on white power message boards.

Folks, I’m moving to LEITH, North Dakota with the sole intention of opening a cinema there, if there isn’t one already. The first movie I’m going to show will be Mel Brooks’s “The Producers”. ‘Springtime for Hitler’ cannot come soon enough for me! Watching Nazis tap dancing across the stage dressed in black PVC has always given me goose-bumps. How about you?

“Springtime for Hitler and Germany
Deutschland is happy and gay!
We’re marching to a faster pace
Look out, here comes the master race!
Springtime for Hitler and Germany
Rhineland’s a fine land once more!
Springtime for Hitler and Germany
Watch out, Europe
We’re going on tour!”

Officials in NUREMBERG are to spend 70 MILLION euros on renovating the eleven square kilometre Nazi party rally grounds that still attracts over 200,000 visitors a year. I suggest they build an Olympic-size swimming pool which could be used to host international water polo matches…although I do fear for the safety of the horses!

OH HAPPY, HAPPY BRITAIN!

English: The logo of the Organisation for Econ...

English: The logo of the Organisation for Economic Co-operation and Development (OECD). (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

According to the OECD, the Organisation for Economic Co-operation & Development, Britain is the tenth happiest advanced economy in the world, up from eleventh last year. Well I’d love to know what WEED the compilers were smoking! Almost everyone I’ve met is miserable. We Brits fear for the economy and constantly worry about immigration and the state of the National Health Service. Economists constantly bang on about ‘economic green shoots’. Well let me tell you, the only green shoots I’m aware of are the green shoots on the menu in my local vegan restaurant, and those in the hands of pushers selling organically raised hash outside the gates of 10 Downing Street.

MY FATHER WAS A GENERAL…A GENERAL INCOMPETENT!

Drill2

Drill2 (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

It is often said that ‘the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree,‘ and like my father, I too am a general incompetent in matters relating to DIY. When I’m holding power tools it is The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse who turn on their heels and run! Instructions in English? No help at all, in fact I find them a hindrance. Many of my neighbours actually pay me not to do any work on my house in case my efforts lead to their properties falling in value. I really am quite proud of my general incompetence!

SEAL BAN!

Kissed by a Rose - (rotated)

Kissed by a Rose – (rotated) (Photo credit: Amitabh T)

The World Trade Organisation has ruled that the EU can ban the import and sale of seal products for ‘moral’ reasons. Well I think that’s a bit harsh! I don’t know what the man’s political views are, but surely they can’t be so extreme and offensive to lead the EU to ban his records? I think Seal is an amazing recording artist! Why, his 1994 recording of ‘Kiss from a Rose’ remains one of the finest recordings I have ever heard! For Christ sake, give the man a break!

CLONING JOHN LENNON!

John Lennon and Cynthia Powell in 1959

John Lennon and Cynthia Powell in 1959 (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Dentist Michael Zuk, 51, from Alberta in Canada, who bought Beatle John Lennon’s rotten molar by telephone bid at an auction two years through Omega Auctions in Stockport, Greater Manchester for nearly £20,000, now wants to use it to create a clone (exact genetic replica) of the assassinated musician. Mr Zuk said that the next step would be to extract Lennon’s genetic sequence from the yellowed wisdom tooth.

Provenance? Lennon, who was shot dead in 1980, gave the tooth to his housekeeper Dorothy Jarlett, who between 1964 and 1968 lived in Weybridge, Surrey. She later moved to Canada where she married and had kept it with her ever since. The 90-year-old pensioner provided an affidavit to confirm that the tooth was genuine. It was put up for auction in 2011 by her son Barry.

Although successful cloning has been achieved with sheep, lambs, race horses and favourite pets, no one has as yet cloned a human being…or have they?

Questions must be addressed!

Would it be legal to clone John Lennon outside a government regulated laboratory?

Would the clone have the same human rights that we all enjoy?

Would the clone have any legal rights over John Lennon’s estate/back catalogue?

Would the wishes of Yoko Ono and her son be taken into account in any way?

Even if John Lennon could be exactly recreated, there is no guarantee that the clone would evolve into a musical genius, for it wouldn’t possess Lennon’s memories, but if in the unlikely instance it is musically inclined, will dentist Michael Zuk claim ownership to any new recordings?

Of course there is always the possibility the clone might turn out not to be a replica John Lennon, but a 50 stone  professional Japanese competitive eating champion who will eat Mr Zuk out of house and home. Let’s hope for the latter!

Leading Scientists and palaeontologists are still mulling over the possibility of bringing back DINOSAURS. The preferred method is still harvesting dinosaur DNA from the bodies of amber-preserved mosquitoes that dined on them. Even if it was possible, what would be the point? What would you do with them? We’ve built over all their domains! Would you bring back herbivores, or carnivores? Personally, I’d bring back carnivores and allow the UN to train them to police disputed territories. Rock on…you DINO-SORE-ASS!

BAD NEWS!

Max Mosley won damages for the newspaper's inv...

Max Mosley won damages for the newspaper’s invasion of privacy and incorrect assertion about the Nazi theme in ”Mosley v News Group Newspapers Limited (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

My God, there’s so much bad news around! Whenever I turn on the television it’s mainly doom & gloom. The same with the Internet and newspapers! Someone should produce a newspaper or a website that only shoes good news…there’s got to be some. I need my morale lifted!

DON’T PLAY WITH MATCHES, BECAUSE THERE’S NO ONE TO PUT OUT THE FIRE!

English: Official logo for the World Police & ...

English: Official logo for the World Police & Fire Games (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

The so-called ‘civilized’ Developed World is rapidly becoming UNcivilized, while people in some parts of Under-developed Third World countries are shouldering their AK-47s while trying their hands at tea, cucumber sandwiches and bite-size pastries! Christ, there’s even a mini-cab firm in Timbuktu, although quite where you might wish to go I don’t quite know? Personally, I’d like to live in Canada!

The West is suffering from riots, terrorist aggression as well as urban and forest fires, but where have all the police officers and firefighters gone? I’ll tell you where they are, at the ‘WORLD POLICE and FIRE GAMES’ in BELFAST, Ireland, where they are competing in football matches, boxing matches, beach volleyball and an ‘ultimate firefighter’ contest, whatever that is! So if your nether regions catch fire, be prepared to put them out yourself. Meanwhile, one of the football matches was called off after a number of MARBELLA police competitors were sent off for ‘continued inappropriate behaviour.‘ It’s comforting to know that ‘publicly funded’ community servants are enjoying themselves while the rest of us are catches ourselves alight when we’re not being mugged!

SAVE ME, SAVE ME…IT’S HOT AS HELL IN LONDON!

A time-lapse animation of icecubes melting in ...

A time-lapse animation of icecubes melting in a glass (50 minutes). (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

God, Mother Nature’s a BITCH! I’m melting in London. It’s too hot to work, and it’s impossible to sleep at night! Living through a cold winter, everyone prays for Spring to arrive. When Spring arrives, everyone prays for a great Summer, and when Summer arrives, everyone complains that it too hot, and they wish for Autumn! At the moment it’s nearly 100 degrees every day, and with no breeze. Ice-creams are melting, tarmac is melting, people are melting. My enthusiasm is melting! Roll on Autumn once again! Sorry, I’ve got to go now. My keyboard is melting! Vaya Con Dios (Go with God).

UPDATED: 17/07/13.

I REALLY can’t take the heat! One of the stabilisers on my bicycle just melted! There’s nothing for it, I’m going to have to spend the rest of the summer opening and closing the freezer doors in my local supermarket just to keep cool. That’s Mother Nature’s got it in for me!

STOP PAYING TERRORISTS RANSOM PAYMENTS!

Hostages

Hostages (Photo credit: matt coats)

Q8 leaders have agreed to ‘stamp out’ ransom payments to terrorists claims PM David Cameron. Up to $70million is estimated to have been paid to secure the release of Western hostages over the last three years. That works out to be $2.5 million hostage, and much of the $70 million is believed to have ended up in the blood-soaked hands of Al Qaeda and the Taliban. The question is, will the FRENCH government abide by the new agreement, or will it merely pay lip-service and then CASH?

THE OFFICE CHAIR OF THE FUTURE!

English: A view of the Château Frontenac in Qu...

English: A view of the Château Frontenac in Quebec City, Canada. Français : Une vue du Château Frontenac à Québec, au Canada. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

The Emperor 200 has a touch-screen control centre, three 27inch LED screens and an air-filtering system to control heat. The home office’s manufacturer, MWE Lab of Quebec, Canada describes the chair as the ‘ultimate computer work-station’. The Emperor 200 costs £30,000. I have written to MWE Lab of Quebec suggesting they bring out a 300 model costing £40,000, this to include a vibrating mat so the chief executive of the future can receive a blow-job without needing to leave his works-station. I have yet to receive a reply!

MONARCHY!

Royal Coat of Arms of the United Kingdom of Gr...

Royal Coat of Arms of the United Kingdom of Great Britain and Northern Ireland as used by Queen Elizabeth II from 1953 to the present, contain both versions PINCES, J.H & R.V., The Royal Heraldry of England, 1974, Heraldry Today. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Some people are of belief that the oldest profession in the world is tax collecting while others believe it is prostitution. They are all wrong. The oldest profession in the world is MONARCHY! I’ve noticed that the current crop of English royals are mostly lean and athletic looking. This is POLICY! Yes, you may well live off the fat of the land, but don’t flaunt it. Gluttony is vorboten!

Point in case, Prince Charles’s private estate, the Duchy of Cornwall is exempt from both corporation tax and capital gains tax.

THE REAL STATE OF THE BRITISH ECONOMY…BY A TAXPAYER!

English: HM Treasury Crest

English: HM Treasury Crest (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

If you were to take into account all public/private borrowing, the British Government and its people owe a staggering two trillion pounds. Much of it will never be paid off while we remain a minnow in the field of manufacturing and while every time we get in front, the EU puts its corrupt hands out for more money to be used in part to prop up failed EU economies that sneaked into the single European currency by default! All we will hope to achieve will be to meet interest payments on the capital loans.

On Friday 29th of October 2006 the British Treasury made its final payment to the USA on a sixty-one year loan (WW2). The original loan was $4.3 billion, the final payment being £42.4 million. Canada’s original loan to GB was $1.2 billion, and our Treasury sent them £9.98 million. I hasten to add, both final payments were made by electronic transfer of funds, so who knows whether the Treasury actually had the money, or merely by pressing a button, created it. Why am I giving you a history lesson? What is my point, if in deed I have a point? Oh I do, I certainly do! If it took 61 years to pay off a total of $5.5 billion, how long will it take to pay off TWO TRILLLION POUNDS. NEVER is still the answer.

But don’t panic too much, for the British have lived in a state of perpetual bankruptcy for over a hundred years. Honestly, it really isn’t a new state of affairs. The cost of the second Boer War 1899-1902 was approximately one million pounds a week. That all but emptied the Treasury. The cost of fighting in South Africa had not been recovered by 1914. World War One emptied the Treasury again, and we hadn’t recovered by 1939. Bankrupted again in 1945. I could go on and on. The fact is we Brits have always lived above our means. My propositions can be rubbished by any economist. He or she will tell you that the economic health of a nation can be judged by how well it can service debt. Two trillion pounds? Don’t make me laugh! The economic balance of power has changed. It is Asia and no longer Europe. When I go shopping all I can see is ‘MADE IN CHINA,’ or MADE IN INDIA.’ Why even the shoes in Marks & Spencer are made in India, yet the Company itself is failing. If you can’t get more than 1.5% interest on your savings (without actually risking it on say, the money market) then it is safe to say, MONEY HAS BECOME WORTHLESS!

HMV’s WOES WERE TO A LARGE EXTENT SELF-INFLICTED!

HMV

HMV (Photo credit: Leo Reynolds)

HMV had to contend with illegal downloading, competition from large supermarkets and on-line sites like Amazon etc. However HMV committed the Cardinal sin of competing against itself! When it offered a DVD/CD on-line at 25% off the RRP + free delivery, who on earth would walk into an HMV store with the intention to purchase? Yes, if you’re local to a store you might browse, as did I, but only to make a mental note about what to buy on-line. If your intention is to sell on line below the RRP then don’t have any stores. HMV’s policy was self-destructive.