WHO WRIT THAT?

A page from the mysterious Voynich manuscript,...

A page from the mysterious Voynich manuscript, which is undeciphered to this day. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Thought to contain a hidden, secret message, the VOYNICH manuscript, 240 vellum pages, most with illustrations, is described as “the world’s most mysterious manuscript”. It is a work carbon-dated to the early 15th century (just like my bed-sheets were when the police suspected me of being involved in an armed rubbery). Possibly Italian in origin, it is named after the book dealer Wilfrid Voynich, who purchased it in 1912. The Voynich text has resisted all attempts to decipher it, even by top World War II cryptographers. The manuscript is highly controversial, with many experts dismissing it as a hoax – but a new analysis of the text appears to have found “patterns” of meaning which would have been impossible to fake in the 15th century.

What makes the Voynich manuscript so controversial? It contains illustrations and information about plants and their possible uses for medical purposes. However, most of the plants do not match known species.

WORLD EXCLUSIVE! I have deciphered some of the text!

‘You could hear the hoof-beats pound as they race across the ground, and the clatter of the wheels as they spun round and round, and he galloped into Market Street, his badge upon his chest, his name was Bernie, and he drove the fastest milk cart in the west!’

Archaeologists say they have discovered a new form of primitive writing in markings on stoneware excavated from a relic site in eastern China dating back 5000 years. Apparently that’s about 1,400 years earlier than the oldest known written Chinese language. Chinese scholars remain divided as to whether the etchings amount to words or a precursor to words, in other words, symbols.

Is there no limit to my genius? Another WORLD EXCLUSIVE! Once again I have deciphered some of the text!

‘Now Bernie loved a widow, a lady known as Dee, she lived alone in Vinley Lane at number 23. They said she was too good for him, a snob in fact, proud and chic, but Bernie got his cocoa there three times every week. They called him Bernie, Bernie, and he drove the fastest milk cart in the west!’

BRING IT ON!

MOTHER NATURE AIN’T SO FRIENDLY AFTER ALL!

Bee macro

Bee macro (Photo credit: @Doug88888)

 

What the hell is going on? We in the UK appear to be under attack from False widow spiders from the Canary Islands, deadly Brazilian Wandering Spiders in supermarket bananas, killer Hornets from China, killer Bees from Brazil and ‘attack class’ Grey Siberian Squirrels! They all come here illegally and without papers. Something must be done, and sooner rather than later! Why I’m afraid to tend my garden with first donning a hazchem suit. This is no way to live! Is it Mother Nature’s intention to supplant humans with creatures from lower down in the food chain? If so, I have no alternative but to call Her a bitch!

 

‘I SPY’…ON YOU!

Breville Appliances. From left to right: Empor...

Breville Appliances. From left to right: Emporia BKE400, Aroma Style Electronic BCM600, Ikon SK500, Emporia Toaster CT25B. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Russian investigators claim to have found household appliances imported from China which contain hidden microchips that pump spam data and malware into wi-fi networks. Authorities in St Petersburg allegedly discovered 20 to 30 kettles and irons with ‘spy microchips that send some data to the foreign server’. It has also been alleged that the chips allegedly found in the home appliances may also have the ability to steal data and send it back to Chinese servers. The revelation comes just as the EU launches an investigation into claims that Russia itself bugged gifts of phone chargers and USB sticks to delegates at last month’s G20 summit in an attempt to retrieve data from computers and telephones.

Aren’t Russia and China supposed to be sometime political allies? Listen, everyone’s at it…hacking and spying! There was even a claim that Chinese Lenovo computers contained spyware in them. Who knows the truth of the matter? Best to err on the side of caution. Don’t buy Chinese made vibrators and dildos. And the moral of the story is…do look a gift horse in the mouth!

ARE YOU ‘MOONING’ AT ME?

In Chinese mythology, Jade Rabbit lives on the...

In Chinese mythology, Jade Rabbit lives on the Moon where it makes herbal medicine. The rabbit is also mentioned in the novel Journey to the West. According to Korean and Japanese myths, a rabbit lives on the Moon making rice cakes (Tteok – the Korean word for rice cakes in general, and mochi, a different type of a rice cake with red bean filling, in the Japanese myth). (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Since China’s first moon rover, the 140kg Jade Rabbit touched down on the lunar surface, nothing has been heard from it. That is because the CIA’s own secret moon rover, the 168kg Wiley Coyote attacked the Jade Rabbit and ripped the heart out its circuit boards. Then good old Wiley raised its robotic rear leg and lubricated all over Jade Rabbit’s control panel. That’s one hell of an ‘up yours’! If you didn’t know the ‘year of the rabbit’ was over, well, you do now!

Updated:

It’s official, China’s Jade Rabbit Moon rover is experiencing mechanical problems and may not be able to finish its mission. It was designed to roam the lunar surface for three months while surveying for natural resources and sending back data. If you believe the reports, the problems appeared to be related to lunar dust blocking one of the solar panels. I choose to believe Jade Rabbit was anally probed to destruction by Wiley Coyote!

CHINESE UNIVERSITY STUDENTS SIGN ‘SUICIDE WAIVERS’ !

National emblem of the People's Republic of China

National emblem of the People’s Republic of China (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Thousands of students in southern China have  been forced to sign a ‘suicide waiver’ before starting university.

More than 5,000 new pupils at the City College of Dongguan University of Technology in China’s Guangdong province have  been asked to sign a contract absolving the school of responsibility if any of  them commit suicide. This ‘student management and self-discipline agreement’ or suicide waiver also covers self-inflicted injuries.

With the largest population on Earth, a good education has long been seen as the only path to success in China. That said, experiencing quality higher education should be viewed as a pleasure as well as an honour. Education is supposed to broaden the mind, not just fill it! In a country without much of a sense of humour, students commit to studying up to 14 hours a day. Last year, one Chinese school sparked  outrage after using intravenous drips to boost pupils’ ability to  study. This regimented method of education can only work in a dictatorship, which of course, China is. Winning at all costs reminds me of NAZISM! Being afraid to fail make you dangerous, because there are no lengths to which you won’t go win, and that threatens the rest of us! If you haven’t already worked it out, The People’s Republic of China wishes to rule the world!

SEX, SEX, SEX…IS THAT ALL YOU’VE GOT ON YOUR MIND? (UPDATED)

Shanghai Skyline

Shanghai Skyline (Photo credit: Keith Marshall)

SHANGHAI women are signing up for classes on SEX, yes, SEX! The two-day tutorials cost 2,500 Yuan (£258). Here women learn about the anatomy, psychology, and techniques of intimacy. Props are in the form of fruits. I don’t get it? China has the largest population on Earth. There are more ‘working’ vaginas in China than anywhere else, so you would think there is nothing more Chinese women could learn about sex, wouldn’t you? The Internet is an excellent source for sex education, however it is censored in China.

SWEDEN. A court has ruled that it IS acceptable to masturbate in public as long as it is not directed at  anyone. A 65-year-old man, who dropped his shorts  close to the water at Drevviken beach, Stockholm, and started to masturbate, was initially charged with sexual assault. But in a surprise ruling, the Södertörn  District Court acquitted the man, stating that no offence had been committed.

LONDON. A 61-year-old IT worker has denied accusations that he allegedly tried to have sex with a sheep next to Tottenham Hotspur’s new training ground. Paul Lovell was allegedly caught with the animal close to the new facility on Hotspur Way, Enfield, in north London on 4 September, and has already appeared at Highbury Corner Magistrates’ Court, charged with one count of indecent exposure and a further count of outraging public decency. Thank God it wasn’t during Ramadan! Specifically, Lovell was accused of committing a sexual act with a sheep and trying to encourage the sheep to perform a sexual act on him. I bet Lovell comes from Wales! Despite fears that the accused might ‘go on the lamb’, bail was granted. Lovell’s next court appearance will be at Wood Green Crown Court on 2nd of October. In the meanwhile, the sheep, whose identity is being kept secret, is being held at an undisclosed address where a detailed witness statement is being compiled.

CYBER ARMIES OF THE FUTURE!

Ministry of Defence, Whitehall, London; viewed...

Ministry of Defence, Whitehall, London; viewed from the London Eye (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

In order to counter the threat of cyber attacks from state sponsored hackers in China, Russia, North Korea and several 16-year-old school leavers bored with gaming and masturbation, a new ‘cyber strike force’ costing up to £500 million is being secretly built by Britain to wage war, staffed by a regiment of computer geeks or keyboard commandos!

Fighter planes, warships and regiments of boots on the ground face being replaced by futuristic cyber assaults using lethal computer worms and viruses to wipe out enemy targets without actually destroying them. Command & control will be in a top-secret bunker beneath the Ministry of Defence, London SW1 from where the cyber wars of the future will be fought and won by pasty-faced, monosyllabic computer geniuses. Chief cyberman, Defence Secretary Philip Hammond will be in charge of this ‘laptop army’, unless of course the Conservatives lose the next general erection!

Mr Hammond said; “Clinical ‘cyber strikes’ could disable enemy communications, nuclear and chemical weapons, planes, ships and other hardware. And, in contrast with bloody, dangerous and inaccurate bombing raids, entire cities could be conquered without a single loss of life, helping Britain to avoid a military war, and a public relations battle. This is the new frontier of defence!” He would say that, after all, Hammond is only a secretary!

The bunker will crammed with modern technology, including the ability to take over Britain’s entire communications network. Oh dear? The new ‘Cyber National Guard’ is recruiting now, so if you’re good on a computer, but can’t get a boyfriend or girlfriend, I suggest you apply! There will of course be a new rigorous physical fitness test in order to ascertain whether you are susceptible to RSIs (repetitive stain injuries) to your typing fingers, for in future it is intended the trigger will be a button on a keyboard! Of course one way to immobilize the new UK cyber strike force might be to actually bomb the Ministry of Defence!

Any piece of machinery with a computer chip inside it is susceptible to being hacked and immobilized, and that includes ‘high end’ vibrators and dildos, so if any masturbator out there suspects he or she is being hacked, I urge you to switch to ‘manual’ override! 

PLANS TO HALVE ‘TRIDENT’ REPLACEMENT!

English: United States Trident II (D-5) missil...

English: United States Trident II (D-5) missile underwater launch. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

The Liberal Democrats wish to halve the size of Britain’s submarine nuclear deterrent from four to two (hardly a fleet) and propose that the subs should only put to sea in emergencies. First of all, will the nuclear missiles themselves be halved in size? In other words, are we to fund a fleet of mini sibs? Secondly, will the nukes still go just straight up and down, or are they capable of doing ‘loop-the-loop’? Thirdly, if the two nuclear subs only put to sea in an emergency, might not that be TOO LATE? Fallout from an enemy nuclear missile will play havoc with the reception on my digital TV. If it a question of MONEY (isn’t it always), then let members of the British public pay for the privilege of naming out missiles. If I could get say 5000 people together and we all agreed to Christen a missile…DEREK, could we still please have four submarines? Yes, yes…see Derek fly!

On a more serious note, the only people who are ever lightly to fire a nuclear missile are Jihadists, should they ever get their hands on one…oh, and India…oh…oh…Pakistan, North Korea, China, Russia, France…yes, definitely France, and the USA, and should we get out finger out in time, which is very doubtful, we Brits.

FURTHER ADVENTURES OF A LONDON BUS DRIVER!

English: Mobile phone evolution Русский: Эволю...

English: Mobile phone evolution Русский: Эволюция мобильных телефонов (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

One of the things I hate about bus driving are mobile phones. Pedestrians running for the bus with their mobiles glued to their ears irks me so. But worst of all are the passengers who stand immediately behind the driver’s cab jibber jabbering and at high pitch. Why I’ve lost count of the number of times I’ve had blazing rows with passengers. On the rare occasions I’ve even pulled up to the side of the road refusing to drive the bus until they move to the rear of the vehicle.

Problem SOLVED! I recently bought a mini-portable cell-phone jammer with a radius of thirty mitres. Silence is golden. Oh I don’t use it all the time, but sparingly. I wouldn’t want the passengers to catch on. So if you ever get on a London bus and find that your mobile phone doesn’t work…you’ve probably entered the DEAD ZONE and there is nothing you can do about it!

INDIA…MARITIME SUPERPOWER?

india kerala boat people

india kerala boat people (Photo credit: FriskoDude)

NEW DELHI. India has launched its first home-built aircraft carrier. Defence Minister A.K. Antony said that India needs a strong navy to defend itself, but against who?

India joins the U.S., Russia, France, Britain and China in building its own carrier. The vessel, INS VIKRANT was launched at the Kochi shipyard in southern Kerala state, but it still needs to be outfitted and extensive trials held before it is inducted into the Indian navy in 2018. India has also activated an atomic reactor for an indigenously built nuclear submarine, also yet to see service.

So, India has the atomic bomb. a space programme, an aircraft carrier and soon, a nuclear submarine…does that mean it is no longer to be considered a THIRD WORLD country? Perhaps we should ask the billion or so Indians who earn less than  £1 day, have no sanitation and no clean drinking water?

Since India has one of the biggest ship breaking yards in the world (Gujarat State), I wonder whether the superstructures of their new aircraft carrier and nuclear sub are constructed from old metal hulls, and if so, how effective will they be against enemy torpedoes and a nuclear meltdown? I do hope the life rafts DON’T hold water!

Meanwhile several Indian sailors are feared dead after a ‘conventional’ submarine caught fire and sank in a dockyard in Mumbai. The incident on Russian-built and diesel-powered INS Sindhurakshak set off two torpedoes which caused the vessel to sink. I guess that’s what happens when you buy second-hand submarines from Russia. They are thrashed to death, and generally not well maintained. It is indeed a tragedy, but you get what you pay for…in this case, a death-trap!

DON’T PANDER TO GIANT PANDAS!

Male Giant Panda "Tian Tian" (*1997)...

Male Giant Panda “Tian Tian” (*1997) at the Smithsonian National Zoological Park in Washington, D.C. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

TIAN TIAN, the female giant panda at Edinburgh Zoo on loan for ten years from the Bifengxia Breeding Centre in Ya’an, Sichian, China ‘could go into labour at any time over the next two weeks’, zookeepers have said.

She has been placed on 24-hour surveillance, and the zoo’s team of panda keepers will have access to CCTV footage in their homes to look for signs of labour such as restless behaviour and bleating. Chinese panda keeper Haiping Hu, from the China Conservation and Research Centre (CCRCGP), arrived in Edinburgh on Saturday and will be on hand to assist if a cub or cubs are born during the next two weeks.

Now listen up you conspiracy theorists! I have been reliably informed by an ‘agent’ in my employ that the real reason for the 24-hour surveillance of Tian Tian of Tiananmen Square is due to the fact she is suspected of being a Chinese COMPUTER HACKER responsible for breaching the Pentagon’s mainframe firewall. The big beast is also suspected of infecting the Pentagon’s super computer with the PANDA virus. A memory stick was found in the animal’s possession, together with a copy of ‘Hacking Made Simple,‘ by Professor G. J. Arbrouth. Both the British Secret Intelligence Service listening post based at Cheltenham in Gloucestershire (GCHQ) and the American National Security Agency (NSA) based at Fort Meade, Maryland are keeping a close eye on the suspected Chinese state-sponsored spy.

Of course it is always possible that our spies are over reacting. TIAN TAIN of Tiananmen Square could just a giant PANDA. A set-up is not out of the question!

DON’T BE SO QUICK TO CONGRATULATE CHINA!

English: Yuan dynasty banknote with its printi...

English: Yuan dynasty banknote with its printing plate 1287. An upper line reads: 「至元通行寳鈔」 zhì yuán tōng háng bǎo chāo (Pinyin). A left line (Phagspa script) reads: jˇi ’ŭen baw č‘aw : to say 「至元寳鈔」 (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

The resurgence of the Chinese economy over the last twenty years is not a thing to be applauded. Essentially China remains a totalitarian state. It can produce cheap goods for the West because it has a vast, almost slave-labour force that works for very little money. This is not Capitalism. What is shocking is the West’s capitulation! Any first year economics student will tell you that if you look to somewhere like China to provide you cheap goods then you will be left with a large, permanently unemployed labour force of your own, which is precisely what has happened. If The United States for example continued to manufacture goods in the same quantities that they did forty years ago then they would have been in far better shape to weather the 2008 global financial collapse. Ditto Europe.

Regarding international patents, China ignores them, preferring to steal intellectual property by any means they can, and this includes massive state funded/controlled cyber-attacks on the West. Why pay for something valuable when you can steal it! Why invest in research and development when you can steal another man’s work! Again, this is not Capitalism, but economic warfare.

The Chinese authorities would have the West believe they are a cultured, civilized, forward-thinking race. On the contrary, the Chinese are brutal and barbaric. Their abuse of both human rights and animal rights are legendary. So where are we now, propped up by the Yuan. A fine state of affairs I don’t think!

THE CONTINING ADVENTURES OF A ROGUE NUCLEAR STATE!

North Korea and weapons of mass destruction

North Korea and weapons of mass destruction (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Hold the phone Joan, what’s this I hear…North Korea has placed a nuclear rocket in the erect position and is threatening to fire it! Sounds like a euphemism for sex to me!  Since North Korea has minimal GDP, it is safe to assume that they are given everything by China. This is not a North Korean rocket, but a Chinese made rocket. In due course China will intervene and mussel their Rottweiler.

It disgusts me that Third world counties like India and Pakistan were ever allowed to possess nuclear weapons in the first place. Feed your people first. Give them decent housing and sanitation. Who are you going to bomb anyway, each other? Don’t make me laugh! You’d both suffer radiation poisoning. The world is comprised of idiots!

I don’t won’t to sound like a doom-monger, but one day in the not too distant future someone will fire a nuclear rocket in anger, and then other nuclear powers will follow suit. Personally, I now never leave the house without first applying Factor 7000 sun screen to my entire body!

‘FIVE SPICE DONKEY MEAT’…YUMMY?!?

walmart beijing

walmart beijing (Photo credit: galaygobi)

Wal-Mart, the world’s largest retailer has recalled a donkey meat product from some Chinese stores in the eastern province of Shangdong after tests found it contained the DNA of other animals including fox. Customers who bought the ‘Five Spice Donkey Meat’ 50 yuan (around £5), will naturally be reimbursed. I do hope this food scare doesn’t scupper Wal-Mart plans to open up to 110 new stores in China over the next two years? It is not known whether Greg Foran, Wal-Mart’s China president and CEO will be expected to commit Hare Krishna…Hari kari..err, or a Chinese version of ritual suicide by disembowelment.

Hey, what’s all the fuss is about? As far as I am aware the Chinese will eat anything, so what is the harm of a little bit of Mr Fox sneaking into the food chain? They say ‘you are what you eat’. Since the Chinese education system appears is leaps and bounds ahead of British education system, clearly, eating Five Spice Donkey Meat snacks hasn’t affected the Chinese cerebral cortex at all!

 

 

OIL…RUNNING OUT…DON’T YOU BELIEVE IT!

Nodding donkey pumping an oil well near Sarnia...

Nodding donkey pumping an oil well near Sarnia, Ontario (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Don’t listen to all the PR hype about oil running out. It is designed to frighten you into believing that you have no choice but to pay the ridiculous high prices at the fuel pump for which the Treasury takes a hefty 80% in duty, without which the British economy would INSTANTLY grind to a halt.

Oil, running out? Oh contraire my friends. There is a glut of  crude heavy & light oil, and I’m not talking about black gold from The Middle East. New oil fields are being discovered further afield and on a regular basis.

Examples of new oil fields with a billion barrels plus:

Brazil, Venezuela, Kazakhstan, Azerbaijan, Turkmenistan, Nigeria, South Sudan, Columbia, Equatorial Guinea, The Falklands, Antarctica (approx. 90 billion barrels of oil & 1,678 trillion cubic feet of gas). The USA are supposed to have one hundred years worth of oil reserves under the Alaskan ice, but why are they so slow to bring it up?

When was the last time you heard or read anything about Algeria? I surmise there is a press blackout imposed. Why, because the country is so rich in Natural Gas and oil, no one involved wants to rock the boat. Algerian oil reserves= 19 BILLION barrels. Natural Gas product= 78 billion cubic metres. Just three oil companies with a foothold in Algeria are BP, Spain’s Repsol and Norway’s Statoil, but there are many, many more. Dow Chemicals, GE (General Electric) and Halliburton have a footprint there too. It is bonanza time in Algeria. Christ, there is even a joint US/Algerian Business Council!

Furthermore, with new technology oil companies are able to return to abandoned wells where oil was thought to be too far down or too difficult to extract, and now extract every last drop.

Ah yes, but what about increased use of oil by emerging countries, e.g. India and China? (Strictly speaking China has already emerged). As China makes everything for the West, so there consumption of oil will increase dramatically. Not necessarily so. Currently, with declining Western economies, China is closing factories left, right and centre. She is also swapping arms for oil in Kartoom (Sudan).

Reliant upon computerised ‘engine management systems’, fuel-efficient vehicles have approximately 20% less moving parts to vehicles thirty years ago, thus fewer parts require lubrication (oil).

Oil producers follow the same business practice as DeBeers. Have you ever asked yourself why diamonds are so damn pricey, after all, they are not particularly rare, nor is there a gem shortage. Indeed, along the Ivory Coast you can still occasionally pick up rough diamonds between your toes. Diamonds retain there price because the world’s supply is being hoarded, as with oil. My guesstimate is, at current production levels and new finds, we have enough crude oil for…for…forever.

Back to the price of a barrel of oil, currently $100. Of course one must take into account such things as the cost of research & development, and cost of drilling and transportation, but speculation and greed play an vital part in ramping up the price of oil to you and I.

Oil…running out…don’t you believe it! There is more likely to be a shortage of good, clean drinking water long before there is a shortage of oil.