OH HOW EFFING CHIC!

English: I put some boxers in the floor

English: I put some boxers in the floor (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Nothing remains out of fashion for very long. Cloth, cuts and styles are merely re-vamped every so often and sent to the market place. So you will not be surprised to learn that the latest must have underwear for teenage girls are men’s brightly coloured, satin boxer shorts. Stitched across the exposed elasticized band is a strap-line made popular in the 1960s. What is it? ‘Shit happens!’

SURPLICE TO REQUIREMENTS!

Clothing in history

Clothing in history (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

On with your socks, but off with your cassocks! Anglican vicars could soon be allowed to cast off their traditional robes and wear casual clothes at “café-style” communion services. In February the General Synod will debate a motion that calls for a change to the rule requiring clergy to wear formal vestments/surplices at services. Oh how utterly ridiculous! Since a vicar is supposed to the focal point of any religious community, to have him wearing casual clothes kind of defeats the object, no? If you want to remain ‘relevant’…if you wish to stay ‘in touch’ with your parishioners, change your words, not your attire!

REALLY, WHAT ‘DO’ YOU WANT FOR CHRISTMAS?

English: Men's underwear Español: ropa interio...

English: Men’s underwear Español: ropa interior masculina (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

The results of a UK national survey of several thousand male adults suggests what most men want for Christmas is underwear…but not necessarily men’s underwear!

My late uncle Jim…a charismatic man who was considered by all the life and soul of the party and any wake, couldn’t wait for someone to ask him what it was he did for a living. “I’m in ladies underwear,” he would say, “when I’m not earning a living as an accountant!” (shock horror) “Hey, you don’t have to wait to become an androgynous pop singer to appreciate silk briefs, suspenders, stockings and satin blouses!” When asked if he had ever been married, Jim would reply, “Yes, four times!” Inevitably the grand inquisitor…whoever he or she might be, would then quiz Jim as to what his wives thought of his strange wardrobe choices. Uncle Jim would reply, Thought…thought…darling, I never married any of them for their minds, and believe it or not, my wives and I never fought over undies!” I was once present when our cousin Lucy asked Jim whether he’d always been a cross dresser? Jim replied, Cross dresser Lucy…why I’m always in a good mood, particularly when my thighs are touched by silk!” Uncle Jim dies seven years ago, aged 67, and sadly not many people turned up at his funeral, and only one ex-wife. In fact there weren’t enough male mourners to make up the required minimum of 10 for a minyan, so the Rabbi had to drag the three Jewish male mourners from the next funeral, otherwise I couldn’t have recited the kaddish. (mourner’s prayer). Jim left his entire wardrobe to a women’s shelter in north London. I liked Uncle Jim and he liked me. As far as I’m concerned, people these days are far too concerned with being politically correct. There just aren’t enough true characters around!

LADIES, DO YOU HAVE FAT FEET?

Manolo Blahnik shoe (31 W 54th St - New York)

Manolo Blahnik shoe (31 W 54th St – New York) (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Do you have trouble fitting into your Manolo Blahniks, Jimmy Choos or Christian Louboutins? Well, fear not, for American Podiatrist and cosmetic foot surgeon Dr. Oliver Zongor will slim down your digits by excising toe fat, and in some cases of extreme toe chubbiness, shave away bone! Starting price…$2000, more than the price of some designer shoes. Ladies, wouldn’t it be simpler and cheaper to just buy bigger size shoes?

SUMMER IS UPON US!

I Still Know What You Did Last Summer

I Still Know What You Did Last Summer (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

It’s already started…young women are beginning to wear less and less clothing. Here’s a summer stock tip for you…Gold is going up, but nickers are definitely coming down! Good God I do so love summer, but the season usually ends abruptly with a letter ‘demanding money with menaces’ from The Child Maintenance Service. I think I’ll give Summer a miss this year!

PATIENTS BEWARE!

Epaulette

Epaulette (Photo credit: _dChris)

Dr Alison Sneddon, an assistant director with NHS Education in Scot-i-land has suggested that doctors should be given MILITARY style uniforms with epaulettes indicating their rank, so that they can be quickly identified by colleagues in an emergency. Believe it or not, her proposal has been backed by The Scot-i-land Patients Association.

I think the idea is ludicrous! T-shirts are best!

“Hi, I’ve just qualified, and you are my first patient!”

“I’ll be operating on you today. Err, has anyone seen my glasses?”

“Speak slowly…English is my SECOND language!”

“I hope you’re not a bleeder, cause I faint at the sight of blood!”

A BAN ON SHOP MANNEQUINS!

English: Mannequin dressed as a maid.

English: Mannequin dressed as a maid. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Mannequins wearing lingerie and other skimpy clothing may soon be outlawed in Mumbai, India as an anti-rape measure. Gaw blimey, Mumbai men must certainly be sex-starved if they resort to having sex with mannequins. I only did it once, but in my defence I was drunk. Having said that, I got no complaints from the dummy!

CROSSRAIL!

Crossrail works

Crossrail works (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Europe’s biggest construction project, CROSSRAIL is a railway, 118 km in length. It will link Berkshire and Buckinghamshire via Greater London to Essex with 42 km of new tunnels, but what I want to know is this! As someone who occasionally I likes to wear women’s clothing, will CROSS-DRESSERS be welcome aboard CROSSRAIL?

I’M SUING A WOMAN FOR NOT WEARING PANTIES!

English: Female buttocks. Work by Dutch artist...

English: Female buttocks. Work by Dutch artist Peter Klashorst. Magyar: Finom női fenék. Peter Klashorst, holland művész munkája. Français : Fesses féminines. Travail de l’artiste hollandais Peter Klashorst (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

I was driving down the road minding my own business when all of a sudden a might gust of wind caused a pedestrian’s skirt to rise, revealing two perfectly formed bare ass cheeks. I only took my eyes off of the road ahead for a split second, but it was enough for me to plough into the car in front, an UNMARKED POLICE VEHICLE, so I’m suing the bare ass cheek woman for causing me to crash my car. My lawyer says I have a strong case. I intend taking a fan into court where I will INSIST upon the respondent re-enacting the scene. I figure even if I lose, I win!

GWYNETH PALTROW’S DIRTY, DIRTY, DRESS!

When you’ve worked that long and that hard to get a figure like hers, and after having two children, well, the woman has a right to show off her ass cheeks. As a red-blooded male, I would consider it a veritable honour to leave my teeth marks in her backside. GO GWYNETH!!

Of course, if you intend to wear an Antonio Berardi dress with no underwear, don’t even consider having a curry out, otherwise your dirty dress may well become a real dirty dress!