GOING BANANAS FOR COCAINE!

 

Royal_Mail-Fail

Royal_Mail-Fail (Photo credit: charles_earlgrey)

Employees at supermarket chain Coop in Aarhus, Denmark got the surprise of their lives when they opened boxes of bananas only to discover they were stuffed with bags of cocaine. I bet that wasn’t a ‘two for one’ offer! The 100kg of Colombian ‘marching powder’ was marched straight off to the police station where a high old-time was had by all. The drug traffickers must be pulling their hairs out by the roots! Now if only they had used The Royal Mail the drugs would have got to the right address, but not necessarily in the right century!

Sign Of Post Horn Royalty Free Stock Photos - 18097508
Aldi workers at supermarkets in Berlin found huge shipments of cocaine hidden in banana crates at five different branches. Police recovered 140kg of cocaine worth up to £5 million. Clearly the Columbian drug traffickers haven’t had any better luck with Deutsche Post DHL, the world’s leading mail and logistics Group. Perhaps in future your favourite brand of Columbian marching powder will be delivered by mule?

Czech Republic police have seized £27million worth of cocaine in a shipment of bananas at a Prague supermarket. What is it with bananas? Perhaps they put sniffer dogs off the scent? Personally I hate bananas and I can’t afford cocaine!

WOULD YOU SPEND £60,000 TO JOIN AN INTRODUCTION AGENCY?

English: Hong Kong Kowloon Panorama Victoria P...

English: Hong Kong Kowloon Panorama Victoria Peak 2011 (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Looking for that perfect partner? Still searching for your soul mate? Berkeley International remains one of the most expensive dating agencies in Europe. So if you’re rich, successful and going places…and I’m not talking about to the toilet to snort coke…you may not think twice about handing over up to 60k to take the legwork out of your search! Founder of BI, Mairead Molloy says that the number of people on its books shot up by 35 per cent last year. Berkeley claims to have FTSE 100 company chief executives on its books, as well as financiers, global tycoon and even several celebrities, but definitely no rag & bone men! With offices in Cannes, Paris, Brussels, Melbourne, Geneva, Amsterdam, Copenhagen, Milan and New York as well as its headquarters in London, and with plans to open in Hong Kong and Los Angeles next year, Berkeley needs all the membership fees it can get hold of, for office space doesn’t come cheap!

Basic membership starts at £10,000 a year, and will get you as many dates in the UK as you want. £15,000-£20,000 will cover Europe, and £50,000 gives you your pick of partners across the world. For £60,000, you get the personal care and attention of Mairead herself, who will not only travel the world in search of your perfect match, but will point you in the right direction when it comes to working out what has been going wrong for you in the past…you mean like farting at the dinner table, picking my teeth between courses or stubbing out my cigarette in a sorbet? I can’t help being a sophisticated c**t. Shit, I forgot my underpants! Honestly? I think my perfect partner is waiting for me…at the cemetery gates!

A GOOD FAMILY NAME WILL STILL GET YOU INTO OXFORD OR CAMBRIDGE!

King William I ('The Conqueror'), by unknown a...

King William I (‘The Conqueror’), by unknown artist. See source website for additional information. This set of images was gathered by User:Dcoetzee from the National Portrait Gallery, London website using a special tool. All images in this batch are listed as “unknown author” by the NPG, who is diligent in researching authors, and was donated to the NPG before 1939 according to their website. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

What’s in a name? Apparently, a lot! Want to study at an elite university, but academically classed as a ‘dummkopf’, well, the prestige of a Norman surname going back 27 unbroken generations might do the trick! So if your House dates back to the time of William the Conqueror, you’re in!

Research undertaken by Dr Neil Cummins and Professor Gregory Clark of the London School of  Economics has revealed that surnames such as Darcys, Mandevilles, Percys, Montgomerys, Berkeleys, Baskervilles, Nevilles, Pakenhams, Punchards and Talbots have dominated the student rolls at Oxford and Cambridge over the last 800 years. These are just some of the Normans names who conquered England nearly 1,000 years ago. Presumably then, if you are historically valid but talk like Forrest Gump, you can still get into Oxbridge to read ‘Writing’ or any other subject. It’s nice to know that despite the smattering of human rights fed to us like breadcrumbs to ducklings, the English class system is still as healthy as ever. The ruling class still rules us, their fingers quietly around our throats!

I once tried to get into Oxford. I chose the name Copenhagen (after Wellington’s war-horse) and put down I wished to study ‘nincompoopary’. Regrettably the course was full…of Normans!