LATEST CHILD SEX SCANDAL!

Zygote (album)

Zygote (album) (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Child molesters like them young…oh ever so young! Six-foot-three Norwegian, Tor Paedophile has just been charged with having sex with a ZYGOTE. Apparently he couldn’t wait until it grew up. Impatient, or what? The ZYGOTE has been placed in a foster womb and is not expected to give evidence. I like my women young, but I do like them to have benefited from an education. You take a zygote out for a meal, and what’s it going to talk about…a PETRI dish?

‘I THINK, THERFORE I AM…BIGUOUS!’

DO YOU HAVE AN ‘UNHEALTHY’ RELATIONSHIP WITH YOUR SMARTPHONE?

Nomophobia

Nomophobia (Photo credit: Foomandoonian)

What is ‘your’ greatest fear? Is it drowning at sea…crashing in an aeroplane…being buried alive in a collapsed building…dying on the operating table…being blown up in a terrorist outrage…never getting married…catching the AIDS virus…never having children…losing a limb, or two…dying from cancer…being the victim of rape or identity theft…losing your sight, or perhaps being unable to experience an orgasm? Would you be surprised to learn that OUR biggest fear is NOMOPHOBIA…the fear of being separated from out CELL PHONES! Preposterous, but true, according to a recent survey. It gets worse! There is even a ‘MOBILE PHONE ANXIETY ADVICE CENTRE’...nomophobia.com!

iPhone 6! Thousands of desperate shoppers recently queued outside the Apple store in Covent Garden, central London, hoping to get their hands on the new iPhone 6. By the anxious looks on their faces, you would have been forgiven for thinking they were queuing for the Ebola antidote! Meanwhile, the queue outside the Manhattan Apple store stretched 12 city blocks! The first iPhone sold was to one Dave Rahami, who despite the fact he ‘s reserved one, flew to Sydney, Australia to get his texting fingers on a smartphone!

A ‘not so’ magnificent obsession! Would you ever admit to being obsessed with your cell phone? Is it is never more than inches away from your fingertips? Has the gizmo become an extension of your personality?  Does your relationship with a smartphone rivals any relationship with a friend, relative, boyfriend, girlfriend? If you have answered ‘yes’ to the four questions posed, then may I humbly suggest you’re in t.r.o.u.b.l.e? Weaning yourself off its use must be as difficult as a cokehead passing up the opportunity to snort! Have you thought of trying the NoPhone, which is a completely tech-free lump of plastic that isn’t even as useful as a dildo! Perhaps if the inventor incorporated liquorice in its manufacture, we could at least lick the surrogate smartphone when we’re feeling anxious or vulnerable?

WiFi Heaven! Apparently even GOD has gone digital! Apps and social media are causing a ‘digital shift’ and changing the way that people worship, new research has revealed. Christian scripture app Bible, from YouVersion, recently surpassed 100 million downloads in the App Store, placing it on equal grounds with Facebook, Twitter and Instagram in number of users. I wouldn’t be a bit surprised that in say 500 years, children will be taught that the ten commandments came down from Mount Sinai in digital form on an iPad!

Paper is so last century! As more religions embrace digitization, there are now apps available including iQuran, iTorah and Book of Mormon. There is also a Buddhist Meditation Trainer, and JewGlass to translate Hebrew and find synagogues. Earlier in the year the Vatican unveiled MISSIO, the just-for-Catholics app that updates users with homilies, videos and other Catholic related news. Why even Pope Francis has Twitter account, which has several hundred thousand followers.

Once upon a time, the telephone was merely used to make and receive phone calls. Wow, how times have changed! See you, wouldn’t want to be you!!

ROBOCOP…CAR!

The Vauxhall Astra is popular with various Bri...

The Vauxhall Astra is popular with various British Police forces. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

The ‘high-tech’ Vauxhall Astra Sports Tourer is a police car for the smart-phone generation. Bristling with gadgetry to beat crime, it is about to be unveiled onto British streets. With three computers, six cameras, fast broadband Internet, number-plate reader, face-recognition cameras to identify known criminals, it can predict where crimes may happen using algorithm based on incidents and intelligence and send officers racing to hot-spots.

Let’s see how long it takes to steal or immobilize Robocar! I predict it won’t take six weeks before the vehicle ends up in a chop shop! The three computers? No doubt they’ll end up in the window of a branch of Cash Converters!

ARE YOU A LEMON?

Crime Scene

Crime Scene (Photo credit: freefotouk)

UK crime statistics are to be overhauled in an attempt to allay public fears that many alleged offences are never properly investigated. Anyone with half a brain understands that crime stats are utterly useless, for they can be and have been manipulated to extrapolate any information the authorities wish the public to know. Whether statistics released are in fact true or false are of no benefit whatsoever to victims of crime! You, a loved one or close friend may have been mugged, beaten, raped, stabbed, shot, run over or plain murdered. A victim, especially one let down by the police will never feel safe again! But who is to blame for the sorry state of UK policing? Certainly not the police officers! Politicians should stay out of policing and allow the forces of law & order do their jobs! Arrest criminals, let the courts convict them on solid evidence and put the f**kers away. However, for this to happen there must be a complete overhaul of the Crown Prosecution Service! Yes, yes, I know what it is you’re thinking…I’m naïve and wish to live in a Utopian society.

CRIME DOESN’T PAY. OH REALLY?

Panamanian motor vessel Gatun during the large...

Panamanian motor vessel Gatun during the largest drug bust in United States Coast Guard history (20 tons of cocaine) off the Coast of Panama (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Oh if only that was so, but unfortunately crime has always paid, and handsomely. Have you ever heard of The Motion Picture Production Code of 1930, otherwise known as the Hays Code?  All US movie production companies had to adhere to the following standard of excellence, or else.

  • No sympathy must be shown for the crime.
  • No crime, for example, theft or safe-cracking should be detailed in method.
  • Illegal drug trafficking must never be presented.

I’m guessing that crime movies traditionally make the most profits, not westerns, not rom-coms, not sci-fi. Perhaps many of us secretly want to ‘get away with it’ and live above the law. Perhaps some of us find crime seductive, dare I say sexy? (A much overused word). You doubt me, then why is ‘The Godfather’ consistently voted as the greatest movie ever made? Personally I prefer ‘Carlito’s Way.’ It has been suggested that without the introduction of Prohibition in 1929 the American Mafia would not have flourished so.

According to The United Nations Office on Drugs & Crime (UNODC) and The International Monetary Fund (IMF), estimated profits from ILLEGAL DRUG TRAFFICKING worldwide is anywhere between  $411/600 billion. According to Global Initiative to Fight Human Trafficking (UN.GIFT) the TRAFFICKING IN HUMAN BEINGS is worth $32 billion plus to the traffickers. More than 2.5 million people have been trafficked from 127 countries, exploited in  137 countries. (Forced commercial sexual exploitation and forced economic exploitation.) ARMS TRAFFICKING, $60 billion plus a hell of a lot more me thinks. CYBER CRIME, $114 billion. Etcetera, etcetera! From every purse snatched, to every car stolen, to every pill pushed, to every gun sold, to…blah, blah, blah! World crime in total is worth over $3 TRILLION per year. Do bear in mind that the worldwide GDP is $63 trillion per year. Naturally figures vary dramatically depending upon where you get them from, and do bear in mind, criminals are hardly likely to reveal their true profits. So the above figure could in theory be an under-estimation.

Hey, wait a minute, if all this information is readily available to you on the Internet, why am I bothering to repeat it, after all, I am neither a criminal, a lawyer or a crusader? What is my interest? Do I have an axe to grind? Hey, I am a citizen of the world, and it simply appals me how in certain quarters human life is held in such low esteem. It is indeed a sad state of affairs that in some countries the only growth industry IS crime. Of course some people are brought  up in the ‘Industry’ and many merely drift into it as a way to earn a quick buck, or as their only means to put food on the table. It surprised me to learn that the heroin producing warlords on the boarders of Afghanistan/Pakistan have consistently produced more product since the Western invasion than before the invasion. Would someone care to explain that to me?

I believe Cancun is lovely this time of year, but what about Mexican border towns of Tijuana, Juarez and Chihuahua. I am led to believe they are hell holes, controlled by Mexican drug cartels. Apparently thousands of people have been murdered and in most horrific manners, including several public officials. Nothing’s changed in forty years. If the Mexican Government doesn’t have the will to take on the cartels, then why doesn’t it give CARTE BLANCHE to either the United Nations or the US Government to finally wipe our those diseased inhuman beings who prey on their own people. The Americans operate covertly, and with some success, but only some success. Operate overtly, send in The Fifth Cavalry! Could it be that too many people are wetting their beaks on drug profits?

Crime has been around since the dawn of time. Indeed many fortunes were made, and are BEING MADE by spilling the blood of innocent men, women and children. I understand that one of the easiest ways to clean dirty, filthy money is to buy control of an English Premier soccer team. Crime flourishes because most people can be corrupted. I wonder what your price is? I wonder what my price is? I hope to God that no one ever tests me!

In conclusion I fear that crime is so interwoven into the fabric of society that criminal empires cannot be dismantled, or if they can be, then there simply isn’t the will to do it. What is it that they say? ‘Power corrupts;  absolute power corrupts absolutely!’ (Attributed to John Emerich Acton, the first Lord Action). How true.  What about Lord Robert Baden-Powell’s  ‘Softly, Softly Catchee Monkey.’ (Don’t flurry, patience gains the day!’) That practice doesn’t seem to work.

What Western Governments don’t want to tell you is that some of the profits of crime end supporting legitimate businesses, and I’m not talking about Mr Morris’s corner shop. I make reference to publicly quoted Companies. That’s right, dirty money may well be helping to prop up our failed economies. Remember, the larger the criminal empire, the greater the veneer of legitimacy. And I suppose we should bear in mind that CRIME is a huge employer.

If you are wondering whether to take to crime, perhaps this French proverb might assist; ‘THERE IS NO PILLOW AS SOFT AS A CLEAR CONSCIENCE.’

I thought long and hard before posting this blog. I am not at all convinced there is any merit in my scribblings. Perhaps it would be better if we were all to live in the dark! Comments are welcomed.

SHOULD REFORMED DRUG ADDICTS BECOME MAGISTRATES?

Birmingham Magistrates' Courts / Victoria Law ...

Birmingham Magistrates’ Courts / Victoria Law Courts (Photo credit: ell brown)

According to the influential think tank Policy Exchange, ex-offenders should be given a key role in the justice system, and following an overhaul of the composition of magistrates’ benches, should be encouraged to become magistrates themselves! Now I’m all for reintegrating ex-offenders into society, but on magistrates’ benches? That may be a step too far, after all, impartiality is the key to overseeing justice is dispensed. Don’t they say…’once an alcoholic, always an alcoholic’? The same could be said of ex-drug offenders. Might not a magistrate who once took drugs favour a defendant appearing in court on drugs charges? Frankly the idea is ridiculous!

ONCE UPON A CRIME!

English: Old "New Scotland Yard", We...

English: Old “New Scotland Yard”, Westminster Viewers of old black-and-white crime dramas will recognise the red brick building on the right as the former HQ of the Metropolitan Police – before they moved nearer to the Home Office. It was, for example, in the opening credits of “Fabian of the Yard”. On the extreme left is the edge of Portcullis House, new offices for MPs. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Sorry, I have to interrupt the usual COMEDY service to bring you breaking news! UK Government figures released today indicate that CRIME has fallen! B.O.L.L.O.C.K.S! Crime hasn’t fallen, it’s on the rise…as usual. Because police forces across the UK have been ORDERED by the Home Office to hand out more CAUTIONS, fewer people have been subject to arrest. Furthermore, come next January, when the UK expects an INFLUX of legitimate economic migrants from both Bulgaria and Romania, crime will rise even more! I remind you all, in the UK, CRIME is one of the few GROWTH INDUSTRIES! What is on the decrease, is crime DETECTION!

Meanwhile, in some parts of the UK, shoplifters caught stealing are being released by police and handed free food vouchers. I bet the crime figures don’t reflect that!

VIOLANT CRIME DOWN…I DON’T THINK SO!

Crime Scene

Crime Scene (Photo credit: freefotouk)

Authorities…in other words, politicians, and you know in what low regard I hold them… claim that violent crime has reduced by a quarter in ten years. I don’t believe that for one minute! What I do believe is that the Government or think tanks working on their behalf have merely massaged the crime figures. The Institute for Economics & Peace compiled their figures from data provided by The Home Office. Ahem! For example, last year 34,000 violent thugs escaped a criminal record by simply saying SORRY to their victims, paying compensation or carrying out some form of reparation. Invoking ‘COMMUNITY RESOLUTIONS’ ensures that some criminals are never prosecuted. Thus the public are lead to believe…FALSELY that violent crime is down. Many of the 34,000 incidents involved knife crimes, sexual assaults and serious assaults (GBH).

Violent crime may well be down in a few peaceful hamlets in and around Dorset, but violent crime has definitely increased in major city centres. With a population explosion of over four million in fifteen years, is it any surprising?

What of crime in general? Burglaries, UP, street crime, UP, racial bating, UP, fraud, UP, robbery, UP. The only ‘branch’ of crime that has significantly decreased is car theft, and that has nothing to do with any Police initiative, but a lot to do with manufacturers making new cars thief-proof. There is also a growing trend not to report certain types of crimes. So if I were you I would still make a point of locking your windows and doors before retiring to bed. Oh, you might think about MINING your back and front gardens.

UPDATED: 05/09/13.

Greater Manchester Police Chief Constable Sir Peter Fahy, the head of Britain’s second largest police force has admitted that 60% of all crimes reported in his area are not investigated. This admission is probably true throughout the country. Failings by the Crown Prosecution Service lead to more than 500 cases being thrown out of court each week. No wonder Government figures show CRIME down! Reported incidents are either not investigated, or if they are, many are abandoned mid trial! Confidence among the police and the CPS must be at an all-time low!

UPDATED: 30/09/13.

Justice Secretary Chris Grayling announces there will be no more ‘cautions’ for rape, burglary, carrying a knife or possession of a firearm, after admitting that more than 500,000 people have been let off with cautions for serious offences in the past 15 years.

UPDATED: 20/11/13.

It appears I was right all along! The following claims were made at a recent hearing of Parliament’s Public Administration Committee. 1) Crime figures are routinely massaged by police desperate to show that they are making the streets safer. 2) Serious offences including rape, child sex abuse, robberies and burglary are made to ‘disappear’. 3) Police are accused of downgrading crimes to less serious offences and even erasing them altogether by labelling them as accidents or errors. 4) One police analyst claimed that 300 burglaries ‘disappeared’ in a matter of weeks at the Met after managers ‘intervened’. 5) Officers claim they are under pressure to record crimes as ‘less controversial’ offences or even no crime at all. 6) Robberies are being logged as ‘theft snatch’ in order to get them ‘off the books’. 7) Victims are ‘harassed’ into scaling down the seriousness of incidents, and these include sexual assaults.

*If the police are unable to police the streets, the past and present governments shouldn’t have allowed a forced population explosion. Police forces should have been consulted before the floodgates were opened. It’s just common sense!

KILLING ME SOFTLY!

English: Broadway Street in West Ealing, Londo...

English: Broadway Street in West Ealing, London (UK) (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

I was just about to head off to bed when I read about another murder, this time in Ealing, west London. It occurs to me, whether it is a shooting or stabbing, ‘murder’ appears to be on the increase, not on the decrease as the police would have me believe. For whatever reasons, individuals seem to be losing control on a daily basis over here in the UK. It really is quite frightening! Some murders appear to be committed for no rhyme or reason by people who have clearly lost their humanity. You merely have to look at someone the wrong way, and out comes a weapon! Is there something in the food or water? The streets of the Capital are far less safe than when I was a kid! Why tourists are being mugged, and in some cases murdered as soon as they get off the plane! The police play it down, but I’m pretty sure they’ve lost control of the streets! I guess proactive policing costs an arm and a leg, which is in some cases what you actually lose!

PANNING FOR GOLD IN A MORTUARY…’ALLEGEDLY’!

29px A Tajik woman with gold teeth

29px A Tajik woman with gold teeth (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Pete Jacob Lara, 39, a former apprentice embalmer at the Halley-Olsen-Murphy Funeral Home in Lancaster, California, is accused of stealing 125  gold crowns from dead bodies and selling them at pawn shops and jewellery exchanges. The alleged crimes took place between June 25, 2012 and  October 28, 2013. Lara was charged with removal or possession of dental gold from human remains; grand theft by embezzlement, and a further 23 counts of second-degree commercial burglary. If convicted as charged, Lara faces a maximum sentence of 19 years in state prison.

I’m not taking sides, however, in times of economic hardship, should it be a crime to steal gold teeth from those that die from natural causes, after all, it’s not as if the next of kin are likely to claim the teeth? Yes, it is considered a disgusting practice, and I certainly wouldn’t do it, but do the dead have rights? Well, they certainly have the right to remain silent!

VICTIMS OF CRIME TO CONFRONT THUGS IN COURT!

Crime Time

Crime Time (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

As from December 2013, once murderers, rapists and other criminals have been convicted, they will be forced to sit in court and listen to victims or their families describe through a pre-prepared statement the misery and heartache caused by their crimes. The harrowing details of suffering may well influence the length of sentence a judge applies. Currently, Victim Personal Statements are often handed over to the judge on paper, with extracts sometimes read to the court, but as part of a new Victims’ Code, to be published today, victims of crime or their relatives will be given a guarantee that their side can be heard before sentencing begins. If they do not want to read it out themselves the prosecutor can do it for them.

It is said, the process of writing and reading out the statement can help victims cope and recover from the crime. Yes, I get it, however, is a courtroom the proper place for a grand outpouring of emotion? Furthermore, if everyone insists upon their say, and perhaps breaking down in the process, might not a criminal case overrun, causing an even further backlog of cases to be heard? Other than personal satisfaction and the possibility of one’s statement influencing the jail term, what will it achieve? I don’t suppose many murderers or rapists give a shit as to the harm they’ve caused.

EASYJET CRIME WAVE!

The first building in The Hague used to house ...

The first building in The Hague used to house Europol (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Eastern European criminal gangs are reportedly targeting the continent’s cities by flying in on low-cost airlines to commit crime and then returning home. Boy, that’s some fiscal policy! “Honey, how was work?” “Aokay, other than a bit of air turbulence!” Card-skimming and pickpocketing are among the most common crimes, with Romanian and Bulgarian gangs thought to be responsible for 90% of all card-skimming offences in Europe.

Rob Wainwright, director of the EU’s law enforcement agency Europol, described the gangs as “petty criminals operating across multiple jurisdictions”. Europol has identified 240 organised crime gangs from Romania which account for 6.7% of all criminal networks active in Europe, The Times reported. Other gangs come from Lithuania and Poland. Mr Wainwright told the newspaper:  “They fly on low-cost airlines, do a few hits in one city and get back in time for tea. It’s very different for the local police to respond to that.”  If this ‘easyjet’ crime wave gets any bigger, its only a matter of time before we see these Eastern European gangs hiring entire planes! “What do you mean I’ve exceeded my weight allowance! Igor, dump the handbags!”

‘REVENGE’ PORN SET TO BE MADE ILLEGAL IN CALIFORNIA!

The California State Capitol building in Sacra...

The California State Capitol building in Sacramento. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

UNITED STATES lawmakers are on the verge of making it illegal to post so-called ‘REVENGE PORN’ online after a breakup.

Politicians in California are currently debating the law, which would make it a crime to post pictures of anyone in a state of full or partial undress…even with that person’s consent.

The law – which has passed the State’s senate and is now under consideration by the assembly…is an attempt to curb what is seen as the growing number of “revenge porn” sites, where spurned lovers or exes post once-private images or videos on the web for the titilation of vast audiences.

But a crime would have only been committed if the pictures were posted with “the intent to cause serious emotional distress, and [that] the other person suffers serious emotional distress”. Now that might be difficult to prove! According to the BBC, if convicted, offenders could be fined up to $2,000, or face a month in prison, or both.

Once again, it is the ‘female’ in a relationship who gets targeted by this cyber-revenge trend. Ladies, protect yourselves! Unless you love your boyfriend…unless you can imagine spending the rest of your life with him, don’t allow him to photograph you in either a provocative pose or in a state of undress!

Many years ago my best friend at the time photographed his then girlfriend…who he professed to LOVE, in the nude. How do I know? Why he showed me them! I couldn’t understand then, nor do I understand now…why if he loved her would he so willingly expose her nakedness to me?

I once took twelve naked photographs of my artist girlfriend in the nude. Actually, we were both in the nude. Anyway, once we’d studied the photos, I handed them to her in an envelope. I wanted to encourage the young lady to abandon painting ‘general household appliances’ and switch to the female form. My girlfriend didn’t love me, and I didn’t want to hang on to photographs of someone I might have loved. Without ‘honour’ and ‘integrity’ one is in danger of becoming an animal.

The INTERNET has without doubt changed the world…but not always for the better…so watch out for those potholes on the information super highway!

LET’S MAKE CRIME ‘LEGAL’…IN FACT, COMPULSORY!!

English: Frances Crook OBE. Director, the Howa...

English: Frances Crook OBE. Director, the Howard League for Penal Reform. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Oxford University LAW PROFESSOR Andrew Ashworth said thieves and fraudsters should be SPARED jail, with prison sentences reserved for the most serious crimes, those of a violent, threatening or sexual nature. Clearly professor Ashworth hasn’t been the victim of credit card fraud or identity theft! His proclamation is no doubt welcomed by those of us thinking of committing white-collar crimes.

He goes on to say that for “pure property offences”, including theft, handling of stolen goods, criminal damage and fraud, imprisonment is disproportionate and the priority should be on making sure victims are compensated and that perpetrators make amends. In the real world in which Ashworth DOESN’T live, victims are rarely compensated!

Prof Ashworth’s pamphlet titled ‘What If Imprisonment Were Abolished For Property Offences?’ has been released by the Howard League for Penal Reform. The Howard League plans to distribute the pamphlet to every magistrates’ court in England and Wales in a bid to spark a debate on sentencing issues. Ashworth concludes that fines and community sentences would be more effective and proportionate than locking someone up. Oh really? A 50pence a week fine for wrecking someone’s life? A community service that sometimes isn’t monitored? We should all experience the rarefied existence of living on a university campus.

The effect of such a radical policy would be profound, Ashworth said, significantly reducing the prison population and saving millions of pounds each year. Exactly! Such a policy would save the government millions, but in turn, cost the PUBLIC millions by encouraging individuals to commit fraud! According to the pamphlet, 20,000 people go to prison each year for theft or handling stolen goods, 5,000 for fraud and 1,000 for criminal damage. Since the government is worried about the cost of housing criminals, then may I humbly suggest it cuts the £12BILLION  a year in foreign aid to countries who steal much of it to buy flats in Zürich and build rockets they don’t need, and BUILD MORE PRISONS. YOU MUST DISCOURAGE CRIMINALITY! IT MUST NOT BE CONSIDERED A CAREER CHOICE! To suggest that a fine & community service will encourage criminals NOT to re-offend is LUDICROUS! The punishment MUST fit the crime, otherwise society will break down faster than it already is breaking down. If there is no REAL punishment for your crime, you will carry on committing crime, and probably while you’re serving your community service. SOFT justice will ALWAYS encourage criminals to re-offend!

Case in point: Anne Baker, 61, stole £1.1million over thirteen years from her employer, The Princess Grace Hospital, Marylebone, West London. Inventing a ‘Dr Baker,’ she submitted 131 bogus invoices to her department for radiology consultancy services. Baker then signed off the invoices herself using her maiden name Anne Fitzpatrick, and pocketed £1.14million. She and her husband Andrew spent the money on landscaping their garden and installing waterfalls and fountains at their home. The couple also bought a luxury villa in turkey, bought Jaguars and an Aston Martin. Much of the unused stolen money was hidden in foreign bank accounts. Anne Baker was jailed for four years yesterday, and her husband, for six. Now according to Professor Ashworth, they shouldn’t have been imprisoned!

Updated: 15/01/14.

It’s official, Britain is soft on crime! Research from the Centre for Crime Prevention revealed that habitual criminals are routinely avoiding jail terms with some even having received 300 or more previous convictions or cautions. 29,000 criminals have avoided prison sentences despite racking up 25 or more previous conditions. Data from Freedom of Information requests shows that almost 112,000 criminals, found guilty of at least their sixth offence in 2012 avoided prison.

 

I SUPPORT PENAL REFORM!

As an impatient young man in his twenties, trapped as I was in the frozen meat section of Tesco’s supermarket, I cold-cocked someone with a frozen leg of New Zealand lamb (English lamb was conspicuous by its absence), and received an eight month custodial sentence. This I served in an open prison.

Critics of the penal system complain that many British prisons are nothing more than CRIME ACADEMIES. They are not wrong! Whilst there I learned the best place to smuggle diamonds, and no, it wasn’t in the ‘O’ ring, but in the foreskin. ‘Wait,’ I said to prisoner BG138739, ‘At ten days old I was attacked by an over-zealous Mohel (pronounced Moyle) with a Stanley knife. I had no say in the ‘covenant of circumcision,’ so best if I pass on diamond smuggling.’ I learned how to burgle a house, hot wire a car, counterfeit passports & driving licences and make vodka from scratch using an illicit still. ‘ And these were just the courses offered by the prison governor!