‘BOY, IT’S FREEZING IN HERE’…CRYOPRESERVATION!

English: Technicians prepare a body for cryopr...

English: Technicians prepare a body for cryopreservation. Español: Técnicos preparando un cuerpo para preservación criogénica. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Human cryopreservation has been in the news recently, but the process is not new. Individuals have been frozen in time for decades, hoping that one day medical science will find a cure for their incurable diseases, and thus they will be thawed, repaired and sent on their merry way! Tempted by immortality, even rich, healthy people have opted for cryofreezing upon death as opposed to a burial or cremation. I personally don’t fancy my blood replaced with a chemical solution that would kill me if I took it in my food. However, the main reason I wouldn’t entertain being frozen, is that the planet Earth is in a poor state of repair, is vastly over-populated and is in turmoil. The place isn’t going to get any better, so why would I want to thawed out in say 200 years, if indeed it was possible? The likelihood is I’d get mugged the moment I’d exit the cryogenic centre! If there are any men out there who are considering cryopreservation, do make sure your cock is in a flaccid state, otherwise, at 200Kelvin you might find it snaps off!

When considering cryopreservation it helps of course if you don’t believe in the soul. Spokespersons of established religions will be opposed to the process, for when one dies, the soul (life force) is believed to leave one’s body, never to return. It follows, if a cryopreserved body is ever successfully thawed, it will be returned to the land of the living…soulless!

If of course you are interested in cryopreservation but lack the funds, you could always go the DIY route and buy a chest freezer with surge protection. Since likely as not you will end up being frozen in time by a third-party…your blood replaced with automotive anti-freeze, it would be best to be cryofrozen by someone who actually likes you!

ANYONE FOR MARS? (updated)

Mars, 2001, with the southern polar ice cap vi...

Mars, 2001, with the southern polar ice cap visible on the bottom. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

MEN ARE FROM MARS, WOMEN ARE FROM VENUS!  165,000 people have applied from 120 countries, (3,500 from Britain) for a ONE-WAY ticket to the Red Planet. MARS ONE, a Dutch company plans to fly four people every year from 2023. Colonists must agree to remain on the Red Planet for life and be filmed for a REALITY TV programme. Living in self-contained BIOSPHERES, apparently the experience is hoped to be a cross between Ray Bradbury’s Martian Chronicles and The X-Files. We can only hope an evil Martian with a loose bowel movement contaminates the rarefied atmosphere! Furthermore, lets hope that the new strain of deadly, anti-biotic resistant, super-gonorrhoea will decimate the colony of wannabe TV stars before fame changes them!

Presumably the only way for humans to experience a kind of utopia, where conflict is replaced by a peaceful, harmonious existence, is to carve it out for themselves on the surface of Mars. Let’s hope a lone jihadist doesn’t infiltrate the ranks of the Martian colonists! Sharia Law has no place off-world, or for that matter, in any civilized society!

Talking about ‘saving yourself for the right man’, some female, virgin space cadets are determined to ‘save themselves for the right Martian’. I kid you not! I can only presume said virgins are hoping to produce ‘green’ babies that are naturally environmentally friendly!

Seriously folks, a lot of people must be really disillusioned with life on Earth to apply for a one-way trip to Mars. Have they no dependants or loved ones? Is it possible that some of the applicants suffer mental health issues? For sure, I wouldn’t want to be trapped up there with a f**king serial killer. Mind you, that would do wonders for the TV ratings! You would be surprised by the number of applicants who yearn to die on Mars! Presumably applicants are eager to get a burial plot to themselves, rather than facing the prospect of having to share one down here on over-crowded Earth?

 

MOTHER NATURE AIN’T SO FRIENDLY AFTER ALL!

Bee macro

Bee macro (Photo credit: @Doug88888)

 

What the hell is going on? We in the UK appear to be under attack from False widow spiders from the Canary Islands, deadly Brazilian Wandering Spiders in supermarket bananas, killer Hornets from China, killer Bees from Brazil and ‘attack class’ Grey Siberian Squirrels! They all come here illegally and without papers. Something must be done, and sooner rather than later! Why I’m afraid to tend my garden with first donning a hazchem suit. This is no way to live! Is it Mother Nature’s intention to supplant humans with creatures from lower down in the food chain? If so, I have no alternative but to call Her a bitch!

 

SPACE JUNK!

Space Debris

Space Debris (Photo credit: Hopeful in NJ)

In 2011, a report by the National Research Council said the amount of space debris was at “tipping point”. The tipping point, known as the Kessler effect, points to a time when the density of the objects is high enough to cause collisions that will go on to make more space debris. Eventually it will be almost impossible to have satellites in space because they will be destroyed by debris as soon as they are sent into orbit.

Possibly at the behest of pioneering tourist space flight industry leader Virgin Galactic, and Walmart, suppliers of fresh food to the International Space Station, efforts are going to be made to clear ‘space’ of the estimated 370,000 pieces of space junk (bits of jettisoned rocket and satellite components) floating in Earth’s orbit that travel at speeds of up to 22,000 mph. Called CleanSpace One, Swiss scientists will launch the £10million ‘janitor’ satellite with flexible tentacles that could sweep up space junk within five years. The satellite will get hold of orbiting debris and throw it back into Earth’s atmosphere, where it will mostly burn up on  re-entry. It is estimated there is only a 1% chance of any space junk crashing through your roof while you’re watching ‘X Factor’ on a Saturday night. Err, never mind space junk, but wouldn’t it have been nice to clean up Earth first?

Meanwhile Japan is getting in on the act too! Tokyo’s Aerospace Exploration Agency has subcontracted fishing net company Nitto Seimo to develop a magnetic net that generates magnetic field to collect space debris. I just hope, between CleanSpace One and The Fishing Net, no one scoops up genuine inter-stellar travellers who might wish to visit us for the purposes of trade!

SPACE…THE FINAL FRONTEER!

English: The earth seen from the outer space.C...

English: The earth seen from the outer space.Created with 3Ds max (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Now as far as I understand it, what we earthlings call ‘inner space’ comprises of the troposphere, the stratosphere and the ionosphere, beyond which is ‘outer space’. That is merely our interpretation! As far as I am concerned, there is no inner or outer space. There is merely SPACE, which Earth occupies merely a tiny part of…a pin prick of space. Is space endless, or is there an edge to it? If so, Is there anything beyond space? Since nothing exists forever, what occupied the space before…space? Sorry folks, I’m getting a headache. I need a coffee and a cigarette. Goodbye!

SOWING THE ‘SEEDS’ OF DISCONTENT!

Moon

Moon (Photo credit: shahbasharat)

NASA is determined to find out whether humans (you & me) could live on the moon by planning an experiment to explore whether plants can be grown in the harsh lunar environment. Aided by the Lunar Plant Growth Habitat team, the U.S. space agency plans on sowing its first seeds in specially designed canisters containing everything that is needed for the seedlings to thrive. Lift off, 2015, and that’s when they will discover whether gravity and radiation will affect plant growth. Cannabis and hashish seeds are particularly robust…err…at least that’s what I’ve heard! No doubt the Nasa team will bump into members of the Chinese Space Agency who plan to grow rice on the surface of the moon. Even MacDonald’s is planning to open a restaurant up there in order to take advantage of the mass migration from Earth, to the Moon. If you ask me, it can’t come soon enough! Why you can’t even fart in public these days without someone trying to sue you citing the 1996 Noise Act!

LETTUCE FARMING IN OUTER SPACE!

NASA astronaut Robert L. Curbeam, Jr. (left) a...

NASA astronaut Robert L. Curbeam, Jr. (left) and European Space Agency astronaut Christer Fuglesang, both STS-116 mission specialists, participate in the mission’s first of three planned sessions of extravehicular activity (EVA) as construction resumes on the International Space Station. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

According to The Huffington Post, Nasa is about to start farming lettuce in space. From December the American space agency will start producing its own, home-grown vegetables aboard the International Space Station. The American space agency said that the new equipment will mark the first time that food will be grown for human consumption in orbit. Six Romaine lettuce plants will be grown under pink LED lamps and will take about a month to be ready for eating. Nasa says that growing in zero gravity doesn’t necessarily mean it will look (or taste) any different than it does on Earth. The program is the start of a feasibility study into whether food could be grown in space on a larger scale. It costs about $10,000 to carry a single pound of food into space from Earth – largely due to fuel – so any sustainable way that can be found for astronauts to grow their own would be hugely beneficial.

If the idea is to provide the crew of the ISS a palatable, nutritious, and safe source of fresh food and a tool to support relaxation and recreation, then I would have thought the astronuts would be far better off growing their own MARIJUANA, although I wouldn’t advocate space walking while under the influence. One might start seeing little green men!

GUESS WHO’S COMING TO DINNER?

Massive X6.9 class solar flare, August 9, 2011...

Massive X6.9 class solar flare, August 9, 2011. While this flare produced a coronal mass ejection (CME), this CME is not traveling towards the Earth, and no local effects are expected. Sun Unleashes X6.9 Class Flare, NASA press release dated 08.09.2011 (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

High-speed eruptions (ehem) of charged particles from the sun may be to blame for recent failures of satellites that people rely on to watch TV and use the Internet, scientists say. From 93 million miles (150 million kilometres) away, the sun spawns solar flares, coronal mass ejections and other space weather events, which can send highly energized particles racing toward Earth. Some solar storms have been known to disrupt communications systems and damage satellites.

The above is what our governments wishes us to believe, but I have a quite different theory! EXTRA TERRESTRIAL interference! Yes, that’s right! Mr Grey is messing around with our ability to communicate with one another. Mark my words, this is a prelude to INVASION, and on a global scale! Stock up with tin food, dry goods, and don’t forget your tin hat! You might wish to max out your credit cards, because once E.T. has landed, there will be little chance of banks collecting monies you and I owe them. There is no need to thank me, virtue is its own reward!

THE TRUTH BEHIND THE HOLE IN THE OZONE LAYER.

English: Ozone Hole

English: Ozone Hole (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

In fact there isn’t…wasn’t a hole in the ozone layer. It was a thinning in the ozone layer that allowed too much of the sun’s ultraviolet rays to penetrate the Earth’s stratosphere, resulting in things like skin cancer, cataracts, crop damage and yes, that old chestnut, global warming.

The generally held belief was that ozone layer thinning was man-made. CFC’s (chlorofluorocarbons) plus ODS’s (chlorine & bromine were all found in aerosol spray propellants, refrigeration and air-conditioning units. Hence, under the 1987 Montreal Protocol CFC gases in aerosol cans were to be replaced. Ah, so it appears consumers are to blame in part for damaging the ozone layer by spraying their armpits and cars panels?

BOLLOCKS! Or at least, partly bollocks. If there was a huge thinning of the ozone layer, then it was more lightly caused by SEVENTY YEARS OF ATOMIC TESTING!

MINING ASTEROIDS IN OUTER SPACE!

Timelapse of Asteroid 2004 FH's flyby (NASA/JP...

Timelapse of Asteroid 2004 FH’s flyby (NASA/JPL Public Domain) 2004 FH is the centre dot being followed by the sequence; the object that flashes by near the end is an artificial satellite. Images obtained by Stefano Sposetti, Switzerland on March 18, 2004. Animation made Raoul Behrend, Geneva Observatory, Switzerland. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

NASA has announced that it will be launching a mission in 2016 to lay the groundwork for asteroid mining…an activity that could add trillions of pounds to the world economy. The OSIRIS-REx spacecraft  will arrive at the asteroid BENNU in 2018 with the aim of collecting cosmic samples to return to Earth. Scientists hope the mission  will accelerate technology that will soon enable humans to mine asteroids for precious metals. Typical, we’ve all but exhausted our own natural resources, and now we’d like to source new raw materials from rocks in outer space! Well, I hope our pickaxes are sharp!

NASA scientists claim the high concentration of raw materials found in asteroids…such as ingredients for fuel and precious metals like iron and platinum, could supply Earth with vital stockpiles of natural resources. Scientists are on the hunt for iron, nickel and cobalt, as well as trace elements such as gold, platinum and  rhodium. It has been postulated that one single asteroid in our solar system…241  Germania, has $95.8 (£60) trillion of mineral wealth inside it…nearly the  same as the annual GDP of the entire world. Apparently, the 5 most potentially profitable haemorrhoids…err, ASTEROIDS in our solar system offer profits of nearly 10 TRILLION dollars. Using my ABACUS, the cost of mining them will reach 11 TRILLION dollars.

Don’t rub your hands with glee too soon! Asteroid mining will NEVER happen. Someone’s been reading too much science fiction! The praise I’m looking for is ‘pie in the sky’. And even if I’m proved wrong, don’t you think the Klingons, the Ferengi or the Cardassians will have something to say about our wish to space mine? No, no, I honestly believe we should leave those haemorrhoids well alone!

ROSWELL, NEW MEXICO, 1947…EXTRA TERRESTRIALS!

English: Cupcakes in the shape of orange extra...

English: Cupcakes in the shape of orange extra-terrestrials. These may not be a fully accurate representation of aliens. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

A lot has been written about the alien crash site at a ranch in Roswell. Some people believe the event occurred, many do not, choosing to debunk the story, claiming what fascinated everyone was in fact a weather balloon launched into the atmosphere as part of a secret government surveillance programme aimed at the USSR.  Had extra terrestrials really crash landed, what would their first words have been? How about, “Allo ducky…we come in pieces! Now where’s the f**king social security office, I wanna sign on!” Believing them to be COMMUNISTS, the aliens would have been treated to American hospitality and transported to somewhere over-looking a bay and stuck in orange jumpsuits. Their space craft…scavenged for advanced technology so that we could become seriously advanced killers. We succeeded!

The late Dr. Jesse Marcel Jr. claimed he handled debris from the 1947 crash. An Air Force intelligence officer, he was reportedly the first military officer to investigate the wreckage in early July 1947, and claimed what he found ‘was not of  this Earth.’ Well I could claim that about some of the people I meet in the street! If aliens really did crash-land here on URF, then how come after 55 years, the furthest we’ve managed to get to is the Moon, which is really just a hop, skip and a jump away? The only true beneficiaries of ‘MR GREY’ claims were the suits in HOLLYWOOD! 

‘APOCALYPSE NOW’…CLIMATE CHANGE THAT IS! (updated)

Global warming ubx

Global warming ubx (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Oh f**k, here we go again! According to a new study from the University of Hawaii published online in the journal ‘Nature’, the URF is racing towards an apocalyptic future in which major cities such as New York and London could become uninhabitable because of irreversible man-made climate change within 45-years. Humanitarian crises could unfold, as hundreds of millions of global warming refugees pour illegally across borders fleeing the consequences of the temperature rises which might leave entire regions of the planet extinct of life. Just what Britain needs, global warming refugees! Haven’t we got enough economic refugees? Apparently it is too late to reverse the trend. In that case, why the hell are we worrying about our carbon footprints? I used to take an 8, but now I’ll buy 11s.

So, ecosystems and world economies will be devastated by climate change. Honestly, its hard to take these reports and studies too seriously because they are published too frequently and often one report contradicts the findings of another. One minute its going to be too hot, the next minute, too cold, and then we’re back to too hot again! Sea levels are going to rise so much, that entire countries are going to end up under water. The following week I’ll read the sun’s rays will evaporate entire oceans! For f**k sake, do give me a break!!

I’ll just have to prepare for the very worst scenario. In 45 years I’ll still be in my prime, and will thus continue to be a potent lover! Rock hard abs, rock hard cock, rock hard arteries! Having manscaped the entire surface of my dermis, I will smear factor 100 sunblock all over my delicious body before slipping into a pair of Speedos, but just in case the scientists have got it wrong, I’ll put on thermal underwear, woollen clothing, an overcoat, gloves, hat and snow shoes. It pays to plan ahead! Oh God, I’ll have to up my clothing allowance!

Updated: 18/01/14.

Global warming has been debunked yet again!  According to solar physicist Richard Harrison of the Rutherford Appleton Laboratory in Oxfordshire, the Sun’s activity is at its lowest for 100 years. ‘We could be facing a mini ice age, when London’s River Thames freezes over’. Yeah, yeah, yeah, and if my aunt has balls, she’s be my uncle!

Updated: 19/01/14.

Due to a definite 10 to 15 per cent slowdown in the Gulf Stream, which brings a constant flow of warm water and mild weather to northern Europe, the latest findings from the National Centre for Atmospheric Science suggest Britain will actually experience drier summers, with a possibility of drought in Europe and Africa as temperatures rise. So, the sun hasn’t got its hat on after all? Previous scientific reports have also suggested a slowdown in the Gulf Stream would result in chillier temperatures around Europe and rising temperatures elsewhere. Brother, its enough to make me reach for the Valium!!

WHEN I DIE…

Space Debris

Space Debris (Photo credit: Hopeful in NJ)

I would like my cremated remains to be placed inside a capsule and fired into outer space. Hey, don’t laugh! A space burial has become rather popular. Gene Roddenberry will be out there soon, Timothy Leary too, and I wanna join them, but obviously not just at the moment. Hopefully that’ll give me sufficient time in which to put away the money. Space burials don’t come cheap you know! Sacrifices will have to be made…but I hope not by me.

I mean, what’s the alternative…have my warm embers sprinkled around a rose bush, only for Spot the dog to come along and pee all over me? No thanks!

As far as I can see, there are only two logistical problems with a burial in outer space.

1) I My remains would no doubt have to share the capsule with the remains of like minded people…but I don’t even like sharing a lane in my local swimming pool! On the UP side, I’ll finally conquer my fear of heights.

2)There is so much space junk already up there, that with my luck the capsule will collide with an abandoned satellite, veer off course and crash back down to Earth, and probably hit a crematorium.

How do YOU wish to be de-commissioned?

‘ANYONE FOR WARP DRIVE’?’ THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN SCIENCE FICTION & SCIENCE FANTASY!

Planets of the Solar System

Planets of the Solar System (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

WARP DRIVES which could propel humanity to the stars faster than the speed of light…EHEM…were discussed last year by space experts in Dallas, Texas. Spacecraft propelled by antimatter, harvested by robotic factories on Mercury were discussed, as were spacecraft made from hollowed-out asteroids and a laser-beam “highway to provide energy for ships to “hop” to nearby stars. Well if you ask me, someone’s been smoking too much GRASS…that or someone doesn’t understand the difference between ‘science fiction’ and ‘science fantasy!‘ Science fiction can become science FACT, but science fantasy rarely has any practical application. For example, anyone who has the slightest grasp of physics will understand that in order to travel at anywhere approaching the speed of light, the vehicle would have to be as thin as a human hair. So, no room for a food replicator then!

The President of the organisation behind the conference, Icarus Interstellar, Richard Obousy, said that the effort to journey to the stars will have such, “a long lasting and positive effect on our species that all past accomplishments will pale in comparison.” HOLD THE PHONE JOAN! Before we start travelling at hyper-speed and visiting other planets, how about sorting out the travel arrangements down on here on EARTH? Make the trains run on time, and unclog the motorways before you piss off into outer space!

Someone once dismissed me as a ‘dreamer’. Well if you ask me, dreamers should be revered, for it was a dreamer who first took Man out of the caves. Dreamers can construct too…but they often don’t. An engineer will take a dreamer’s idea…with his blessing…and engineer something that has a practical advantage to society at large. I think an excellent example of a dreamer was Gene Roddenberry, the creator of the original ‘Star Trek’ television series back in the 1960s. We all now use machines dreamed up by him, but engineered by someone else; Mobile phone communicators and Tablets. But warp drive? Oh get a grip! There remains a clear distinction between science fiction and science fantasy!

LET’S TALK ‘TURKEY’…CHRISTMAS CHEER!

English: A picture of Stonehenge with the sun ...

English: A picture of Stonehenge with the sun just starting to set in the background. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Not long to Christmas, so I thought I would take this opportunity to wish everyone in cyberspace an early very merry Christmas just in case I’m indisposed during the festivities!

I’ve already been inundated with several offers to attend someone’s Christmas lunch. I can’t understand it? I’ve been more obnoxious than usual this year, yet everyone seeks my company? I’d set my heart on a black Christmas with some Druid friends of mine at Stonehenge. Lots of chanting…always good for clearing mucus from a smoker’s throat…followed by general promiscuity…unbridled SEX…okay, ORGIES then! I’m going to have to disappoint a lot of townies. Well, it’s not often I get any unbridled sex. Oh I can’t wait for the Druid witches to cast a spell on me!

Ring Of Stones, December 25th, 2011 at 04:oo am. Jewish Standard Time…BRITISH Standard Time. I must admit, Stonehenge impressed the shit out of me. Photographs don’t do the structure justice. It is necessary to stand beneath the pillars to truly comprehend the enormity of the construction. It must be said, I was less impressed with the graffiti, chewing gum and ‘post‑it’ notes to the Gods! One theory is, the Earth was once populated by a race of giants. ‘Brains’ have suggested that one particular giant, having passed a number of painful kidney stones, arranged them in a circle to warn other giants to lay off dairy products. I kinda liked that idea.

Clothing! The chief Druid of the Cotswold Order wore black, whilst the Arch Druid wore crimson. The High Priest of the British White Witches Association naturally wore white, whilst the rest of us deviants wore mainly black and red. Headgear? Antler horns. If nothing else, it was worth going down there just to pick up fashion tips! For instance, if you’re wearing jockey shorts, never, never wear a split to the thigh crimson robe. Apparently it’s considered somewhat plebeian.

” A new day is dawning, and we are alive!” someone shouted as dawn began to break.

” Three cheers for Stonehenge, ” someone else cried.

Well not long afterwards we all got naked and I witnessed a Druid marriage ceremony and the scattering of a pagan priest’s ashes. Done, a circle was formed around a welcoming log fire. We each grabbed a hand…or whatever else was outstretched…and began running around the flames chanting in old Saxon. ‘Oh what a lovely bunch of coconuts’ was all I managed to glean.

Half an hour later the excited sweaty group stopped to participate in a sacrifice. Thankfully an infant was not available. A local butcher called Harry had promised to provide a fresh chicken. Once sacrificed, group members were intending to drink its blood. However, the chicken turned up frozen. Fresh, but frozen! Kissing the chicken’s ass was quickly incorporated into the group’s activities. I counted fourteen cases of chapped lips. Then we got down to group sex! I didn’t get back to London until the 6th of January, by which time I was thoroughly exhausted.