THE BRITISH GOVERNMENT PLANS TO CUT RED TAPE!

Red Tape

Red Tape (Photo credit: Free Press Pics)

Cutting red tape in order to encourage things like entrepreneurship is all well and good, but do spare a thought for the 126 employees of Arbuthnot & Company of North Shields on the banks of the River Tyne who actually MAKE the red tape. They are going to find themselves made redundant. When the Conservatives fall at the next general election and Labour are back in power, should the new government wish to BRING BACK  red tape, well, they’ll be no one around to make it! If Arbuthnot’s North Shields factory is shut for a year and a day, existing Health & Safety red tape will prevent the former directors from re-opening the factory in order to make the red tape. I think I need an aspirin! By the way, existing EU red tape is now…blue!

LUST AIN’T LOVE!

English: Harrods Department Store as viewed fr...

English: Harrods Department Store as viewed from the north-east along Brompton Road, in London, England. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Last week I popped into London to do a wee bit of Christmas shopping. Having brought myself a shirt at Harrods department store in Knightsbridge…a shirt I probably won’t be able to get into come February…I stopped off at one of the many restaurants for a coffee and a piece of cake. Getting up to leave, I spotted Samantha, a lady a hadn’t clapped eyes on for eleven whole years. She had two young children in tow. The back story! Samantha and I had spent six wonderful weeks together in the summer of 2004. It had been lust at first sight for both of us. Samantha’s then followed her parents abroad and I never heard from her again, until that was I spotted her in Harrods queuing for refreshments. Having introduced me to her children as an old friend, we briefly exchanged pleasantries. It wasn’t until this morning that I put my hand in my coat pocket to retrieve a lighter. Someone had slipped a business card in it! Samantha Wordsworth, ‘Interior designer’. I won’t be phoning her. The past is another country, is it not? I’m happy to be left with my memories, pleasant memories I shall take to my grave!

‘HIGH SOCIETY’…THE QUEEN CHARLOTTE’S ‘DEBUTANTES’ BALL!

King George III and Queen Charlotte with their...

King George III and Queen Charlotte with their six eldest children in 1770. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Believe it or not, while you and worry about the cost of feeding ourselves and heating our ‘mortgaged to the hilt’ homes,  debutantes…17 to 20 year-old daughters of the ruling class are still presenting themselves to the aristocracy at the Queen Charlotte’s Ball at the Royal Courts of Justice. Young women…not necessarily virgins…from the richest families are invited to the ball where, after months of careful preparation, which involves etiquette classes and charity fund-raising, the free-range reared young debutantes are able to show off their skills in poise and elegance, the purpose of which is to present themselves to potential aristocratic suitors smelling of champagne, roses and truffle oil. Some critics suggest the ‘social event of the season’ is no more than an upmarket meat market where ‘gene depleted aristocrats’ can refresh their 1000-year-old gene pools by taking in new blood. You see no longer do members of English aristocracy marry first cousins for fear of producing sub-normal specimens. The ball is the only time the phrase ‘coming out’ does not refer to the closet! Naturally taking a selfie is considered de rigueur!

In order to stand any chance of being hailed ‘Deb of the Year’, months of preparation are involved. Charity work, numerous couture dress fittings, diamond studded tiaras and precious jewellery must be picked, etcetera, etcetera, oh, and dieting, after all, no one with a fat ass will stand any chance of being saluted as deb of the year, will she? Debs with backsides the size of a chuck wagons must waddle off to Harley Street in order to undergo rear end maintenance…or liposuction. Here debutants can de-butt themselves on daddy’s credit card.

Queen Charlotte’s Ball was introduced by King George III in 1780 as a way to celebrate his wife’s birthday. Up until 1958, young debutantes used to be  presented to the Queen at Buckingham Palace, but no longer. The white dresses worn by the debutantes are a nod to the virginity that was once required of a bride. They are also a reminder of the outfits worn by Queen Charlotte’s ladies, all single women. The ball was cancelled in 1976 after an outbreak of gonnohorea amongst the upper classes, but was resurrected in 2007 when new antibiotics became available.

*I once tried to access and aristocratic vagina, but unfortunately the blue-blood’s dance card was full!

ROYAL BABY WATCHING!

English: A photograph of Prince William of Wal...

English: A photograph of Prince William of Wales and Catherine, the Duchess of Cambridge, waving from the balcony of Buckingham Palace after their wedding. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

During the baking hot summer of 2013, the world’s media impatiently waited outside the Lindo Wing of St Mary’s Hospital in London for the Duchess of Cambridge to give birth and quite frankly they became more than a wee bit bored. “God almighty,” a cameramen was heard to scream. “How long does it take to drop a sprog? They’re dropping like flies in India!” Clearly the man was neither a royalist or a gentleman! Spanish Carlo got the right royal finger!

After several days camping out in the metropolis, and at a cost of millions of pounds, dollars and euros, news media companies had nothing to show for their investments! Wouldn’t it have been great…the icing on the cake so to speak…if Catherine, the Duchess of Cambridge had exposed herself to the world’s Press and said, “Ladies and gentleman, I’m so awfully sorry, but it’s all been a false alarm. I’m not in fact pregnant, but I am suffering from TRAPPED WIND!”

Catherine did in fact give birth to a healthy baby boy on 22nd July 2013, and he weighed 8 pounds, 6 ounces. There was much speculation in the Press as to the name of the future possible king of Angleterre. Personally I thought the names George, Sultan, Alexander, Genghis, Louis were well chosen. UP the royal family I say! Interpret that as you will!

THE ‘SMART’ BRA!

smart braResearchers at the University of Southampton have developed yet another brasserieBRASSIERE…which can measure the wearer’s mood in an effort to help prevent over-eating. Fitted with sensors, apparently the bra monitors heart and skin activity. Now if only the bra could massage one’s chesticles too, they’d be on to a winner! But now a Japanese lingerie company has created a concept bra, which it claims is be able to sense when a woman is in love. Ravijour has engineered a concept bra that only undoes when ‘true love’ is detected using a built-in heart monitor and works with a smartphone app. The prototype has a front clasp with a sensor and a light that glows pink if the wearer is in love with a person nearby. *Surely it’s about time someone invented a ‘quick release’ mechanism on gentlemen’s underpants telling him when he’s in lust? Oh, he already knows!

LONDON…BORIS’S BIKES!

Boris Bikes, no sorry Ken Bikes...

Boris Bikes, no sorry Ken Bikes… (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Despite the fact that the official London cycle scheme is heavily subsidised through sponsorship, it still COSTS taxpayers (and I’m one of them) more than £11million a year. Interesting, when you consider Paris’s cycle scheme MAKES money. On the other hand, are comparisons fair? The Paris scheme has been running longer, and central Paris is much larger than central London, therefore it is conceivable that bikes will be rented for longer periods. With an £11million annual deficit, (each of Boris’s bikes costing £1,400 pa), it might well be cheaper to ferry tourists around my TAXI!

Meanwhile, Barclay’s Bank have pulled out of sponsoring the scheme. Spanish bank Santander beat off stiff competition from both PornHub and ISIS in a sponsorship deal worth £7 million a year. So the next time you see a ‘red’ Boris bike, you might be forgiven for thinking it is promoting Communist China!

CHURCH OF ENGLAND IN ‘MY’ DOCK!

Canterbury Cathedral: West Front, Nave and Cen...

Canterbury Cathedral: West Front, Nave and Central Tower. Seen from south. Image assembled from 4 photos. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

In his first Christmas Day sermon, the Archbishop of Canterbury, the Most Reverend Justin Welby, the senior bishop and principal leader of the Church of England, said in his address at Canterbury Cathedral; ‘Even in a recovering economy, Christians, the  servants of a vulnerable and poor saviour, need to act to serve and love the poor.’ He went on to say, ‘No  society can be content where misery and want exist, unless, through our love collectively, we also challenge the greed and selfishness behind it.’ Now the gentleman calls for a £150million state-backed system to combat hunger in Britain. Really? What about Church money being thrown into the pot?

Hmm, all very interesting…profound in fact, however, I wonder if the Church of England Church Commissioners intend giving away to the poor any of its £7.3billion assets? Apart from £1.7billion invested in property, the following is a list of the Church of England’s largest investments; UK Treasury Bonds, Royal Dutch Shell, HSBC, US Treasury Bonds, BP, Vodaphone, GlaxoSmithKline, BHP Biliton, Rio Tinto and Uniliver. In 2009 the C of E lost £1.3billion in poor investments (shares & property). Perhaps the Church’s Ethical Investment Advisory Group should have given that sum away to the poor and disadvantaged before they lost it? Meanwhile, three times as many people are going to food banks than two years ago, and more and more young people are headed to Citizen Advice Bureaus for financial advice! In conclusion I would like to say this;  Give a Man a Fish, Feed Him For a Day. Teach a Man to Fish, Feed Him For a Lifetime.”

GREEN BELT!

English: Green Belt, Felthamhill Rapeseed fiel...

English: Green Belt, Felthamhill Rapeseed field in flower – between Hanworth and Sunbury on the north side of the A316 Country Way. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

No, I’m not referring to Karate but to England’s Green and Pleasant Land! When I was growing up, if you were caught picking just one blade of grass in a green belt area of natural beauty, you were taken away by the secret police and dismembered! Now the authorities can’t sell off green belt land quickly enough, and to build what? Housing for the swollen population. Between compulsorily purchasing land for new railways and airport expansions, and now new housing, England will cease to be known as a Green and Pleasant Land, so take your photographs now, for the England we all know and love will soon vanish under a cloud of cement dust!

UK…THE ADDICTION CAPITAL OF EUROPE!

European Monitoring Centre for Drugs and Drug ...

European Monitoring Centre for Drugs and Drug Addiction (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

When it comes to drug and alcohol addiction, we in the UK are apparently head and shoulders above everyone else in Europe. Well, at least ONE of our records hasn’t been broken! ‘Legal highs’ that can kill and have done so, are easily available to purchase on the Internet and are often delivered to our homes by regular postmen and courier services. No one RAVES like a Briton! Why you can even buy crack cocaine and heroin from mail-order websites. And the cost to the rest of society…£36BILLION (healthcare. crime associated with drug addiction, and loss of productivity).

Don’t blame the young! Britain has been TARGETED by criminal for decades. Sixty years ago, other than the occasional aristocratic ‘toot’ of cocaine, no one took drugs. The disadvantages of living on an island, is that it is impossible to police every inch of coastline. These days, with so many young people unemployed and disenchanted with life, together with easy access to narcotics, some people still in their ‘prime’ can’t think of anything else to do with their time other than getting high. Sadly, drugs in one form or another has become part of a staple diet. I’m just grateful that narcotics is one addiction that passed me by!

KICKING FOREIGN ‘LINGO’ INTO THE LONG GRASS!

English: Iain Duncan Smith, British politician...

English: Iain Duncan Smith, British politician and former leader of the Conservative Party. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

According to the Work and Pensions Secretary Iain Duncan Smith, all migrants will have to demonstrate a ‘reasonable standard of English’ or be barred from claiming benefits. They will have to answer up to 100 new individually tailored questions, and submit more evidence before they will be allowed to make a claim. For the first time, migrants will be quizzed about what efforts they have made to find work before coming to the UK and whether their English language abilities are likely to affect their chances of employment. Good luck with that Iain!

Since The European Commission is threatening to take the British Government to court over this…stating the new rules are a breach of migrants human rights, it is likely Iain Duncan Smith’s plan will be watered down when introduced. Either migrants will have to answer 100 English questions, but with the help of an interpreter, or the 100 individually tailored questions will be reduced in number to 3. In English please! Question 1) Where is the DHSS office? Question 2) Where can I get a free bud pass? Question 3) Where do I go to get my boil lanced? Quite honestly, the criticism levelled at economic migrants for their lack of a ‘reasonable standard of English’ could also be levelled at some members of the indigenous population, many of whom are thick as shit and can barely read and write! I think someone must have crapped in our gene pool!

COME ON…LET’S BULLDOZE OUR NATIONAL PARKS!

English: Wastwater, Lake District, England.

English: Wastwater, Lake District, England. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

It’s official, Britain has run out of room! Strict planning rules protecting national parks are to be reviewed in an effort to get round them! According to Planning minister Nick Boles, areas such as the Lake District, Snowdonia and Dartmoor are an ‘obstacle’ to economic recovery in the countryside. Clearly lobbyists working for developers have been whispering in Mr Bole’s ear, a man who is in danger of turning into a carpetbagger! Only last November he suggested two million acres of greenfield land would have to be sacrificed to satisfy housing demand, almost half of it driven by immigration. But what about the millions of people who visit the 15 national parks each year? Don’t they have a right to enjoy what little is left of England? According to Emma Marrington, of the Campaign to Protect  Rural England, national parks received 90million visitors a year, generating more than £10billion in revenue.

Of the 6,280 square miles of national parks, I wonder how much of it is going to fall victim to a government land grab? I bet not a blade of grass will be disturbed on the Crown estates: Prince Charles’s Highgrove estate (Duchy of Cornwall) =900 acres, Sandringham estate=20,000 acres, Balmoral estate=49,000 acres, Windsor Castle=4,800 acres, Duchy of Cornwall (Devon, Herts, Somerset & Wales)=209 square miles. Let the members of the Royal Family give up land to house immigrants, after all, their stake in the UK is obviously greater than mine, or yours!

What is the point of bulldozing huge tracts of land that belong to Mother England, not the government, only to build houses that no one can get mortgages on and industrial parks that no one can afford to commute to and from? Are we the only country in the Western World that doesn’t protect its heritage sites? How much more must we sacrifice for the sake of immigration? Some people believe the UK Houses of Parliament are occupied by whores and snake oil salesmen. I couldn’t possibly comment!

THE VIAGRA CAPITAL OF ENGLAND IS…

English: Westminster Palace in London, The Gre...

English: Westminster Palace in London, The Great Westminster Clock; The bell within the clock tower is named ‘Big Ben.’ (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

The ‘sleepy’ Warwickshire village of Coleshill (population 6,343), where for every 1,000 men, 55 are prescribed the anti-impotency drug. Wait a minute…what do you mean, sleepy…hardly that! Me thinks they are having a high old-time in Coleshill! Bottom of the table is the City of London with only one man in every thousand being prescribed the little blue pills. Presumably, here the men are getting their rocks off trading shares on the Stock Exchange. Last year Westminster was the impotence capital of England. Hardly surprising, when you realise that all the politicians in the Palace of Westminster must defer to Brussels. A power drain would make anyone limp.

SO WHAT’S ‘REALLY’ IN A WOMAN’S HANDBAG?

English: A model with no name recognition, who...

English: A model with no name recognition, who many photographers started to photograph outside the 2009 Spring collection Mercedes-Benz New York Fashion Week. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

What links a woman’s handbag, a standard size vagina and Dr Who’s Tardis? Well, they are all larger on the inside than the outside!

Men, a word of caution before you place your fingers inside your girlfriend’s handbag. According to new research by Mentos Gum, E.coli, poisonous bacteria and even traces of faeces have been found lurking at the bottom of women’s handbags. Faecal Streptococcus can cause bloody stools, stomach cramps, diarrhoea, pneumonia and bacterial meningitis. 33% of women never clean their bags, and many admit to carrying dirty underwear in them, along with half chewed, saliva-covered gum. I’m not afraid, I like to live life to the max!

If you have ever wondered what Her Most gracious Majesty Queen Elizabeth 2nd carries in her handbag, you need wonder no further. I have it on good authority my monarch has in her handbag…house keys, a Taser gun and business cards made from the dried skin of flayed British peasants. “Hi, I’m the Queen of England, f**k you!” So, no traces of faeces there then!

MASTURBATING USING A ‘HENRY’ VACUUM CLEANER!

English: Numatic 'Henry' vacuum cleaner

English: Numatic ‘Henry’ vacuum cleaner (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

STUDENTS from Bournemouth University, Dorset, England were each sent a letter demanding they ‘cease and desist’ from engaging in “personal” activities with Henry Hoovers.

The letter, purporting to be sent out by an accommodation officer to students in Lyme Regis flats, and posted on the Bournemouth Uni Confessions Facebook page, read:

“It has recently come to our attention that many of the designated Henry vacuum cleaners placed on each floor have been absent for several days. Whilst we appreciate that there may be many explanations for this, it has been reported that certain students have been using the vacuum cleaners for personal reasons not related to cleaning. Due to the decontamination costs involved in removing bodily fluids from the hose, any student found to have used the communal vacuum cleaners for such activities face immediate fines of £75.”

No wonder Henry vacuum cleaners always have a ‘Happy Henry’ face on them, for Henry has leant to swallow! I suppose misusing Henry is one way for students to avoid contracting an STD! Clearly this must be a hoax. I suspect the author of the letter has a bright future ahead of him or her as a political speech writer. I further suspect that Happy Henry’s owners, Numatic International Limited, of Somerset, England, may well be in the midst of developing a hand-held ‘Happy Henry’ and a ‘Happy Henrietta’ for the domestic market.

SEX EDUCATION!

Durham

Durham (Photo credit: Jaydee!)

The new £30million North Durham Academy in Stanley, county Durham has opened directly opposite a seedy sex club that boasts a mock torture wheel and a fully equipped dungeon. Clubf, housed inside the Spa Hotel, describes itself as the best sex club in the north-east. The premises needs no special license, as it  does not sell alcohol and also the services it offers do not classify as ‘sexual entertainment’ – which means the police and council have no reason to intervene.

After frantic meetings with a junior minister in the  Department of Education, the school board has voted to add ‘Dungeonography’ to the current curriculum. Sixth formers will be allowed to enter Clubf one night a week for work experience, provided they are chaperoned by members of the Clergy!

Handcuffs and HobNobs at the village hall!

Trumpington Village Hall on the outskirts of Cambridge is known for hosting WI meetings, indoor bowls and the local Brownies troop, but now the village hall is, for one night only to host ‘bondage-on-a-budget’ classes, complete with tea and biscuits. The workshop includes “spanking and impact play”, “kink on a budget” and “flogging”. Entrance fee, £10:00. Fifty Shades Of Grey has a lot to answer for!

The trustees of Trumpington Village Hall say the hall was booked “under false pretences. When the bookings were made, the activity was described as a ‘relationship support group meeting’. All future books have been cancelled.

So I’m afraid You’ve got one night only, one night only, that’s all you have to spare
One night only, let’s not pretend to care
One night only, one night only, come on big baby come on
One night only, we only have ’til dawn!