ENGLISH SWEAR WORD ENTERS GERMAN DICTIONARY!

Oxford English Dictionary

Oxford English Dictionary (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Well that’s going to cause a shitstorm! Oh, the swear word is ‘SHITSTORM’. Anyway, its been included in Germany’s equivalent of the Oxford English Dictionary after being voted the ‘Anglicism of the year’ in 2012 with a jury saying: ‘shitstorm’ fills a gap in the German vocabulary when established German words, including ‘Kritik’, meaning criticism, were not descriptive enough.

The word appears to have gained appeal in Germany during the financial crisis. However, language purists in Germany fear the amount of anglicisms creeping their way into everyday vocabulary. For example, last month Germany’s rail operator Deutsche Bahn launched a campaign to roll back the use of English, issuing staff a booklet of more than 2,000 German phrases that should be use instead of the corresponding Anglicism. Germany’s loss! What they need 2,000 phrases to say, we Brits can say in 100. I understand France too is rolling back the use of English, but not I hasten to add the hundreds-of-thousands of French hommes and femmes who have migrated over to London in the last few years, nor probably the French MP for their ‘Paris-on-the-Thames ward! 37-year old mother-of-two, former lawyer Axelle Lemaire, a Socialist, has become France’s first ever MP for compatriots living in Britain, and I bet she swears like a trooper!F**k me,” she must shout when entering a London restaurant. “Call this SERVICE…why I can get way worse in Paris!”

THE EUROVISION SONG CONTEST…YUK, YUK, YUK, YUK YUK!

 

Eurovision song contest

Oh dear me, it’s that time of year again, and no, it’s not an outbreak of locusts or mosquitos, but it is an outbreak of banal, 3-chord songs, badly sung. Yes you guessed it, the final of the analannual Eurovision Song Contest is coming our way again on Saturday 23rd of May, and this time Australia had been invited to participate to recognise the continued popularity of the song contest in the southern hemisphere!

Now shootthescribe is primarily a satirical blog, however I struggle to find anything FUNNY about The Eurovision Song Contest/Freak show. It is a truly PATHETIC contest in which judges ‘points’ are often allocated according offence caused in the public arena by a country’s foreign policy. For example, however good Britain’s entry may be, no way will Russia vote for it. Vote rigging is commonplace! I mean in what other song contest might you witness an Austrian drag queen performing wearing a beard win the contest in Copenhagen, Denmark in 2014? In any event, no reputable songwriter would waste a well written, well orchestrated song in the ESC! I’ve believed for many years that The Eurovision Song Contest should be scrapped in favour of  a WORLD song contest. Only then will good songs see the light. Watch it? I would rather watch the final of the Shed of the Year competition!

SECRET CODE TO WHEREABOUTS OF NAZI GOLD HIDDEN IN MUSICAL SCORE!

English: Car boot sale at Apsley.

English: Car boot sale at Apsley. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Long ago, when Nazi Germany was on the verge of falling to the Allied forces, a large portion of the famed Nazi gold went missing. The whereabouts of the bullion has long interested treasure hunters. Now, according to a report in Spiegel Online, a Dutch filmmaker is claiming to have cracked a code that could lead to the gold. Leon Giesen examined an old musical score to “Marsch Impromptu” by composer Gottfried Federlein. Giesen believes that hidden in the score are clues from Hitler’s private secretary Martin Bormann. Those scribbles and scratches, Giesen believes, could lead to the infamous Nazi gold. Specifically, the score includes an added line that Giesen believes is very telling. “Wo Matthias die Saiten Streichelt,” which translates to “Where Matthew plucks strings.” That, according to Spiegel, is a reference to Mittenwald, a German town famous for its tradition of making violins. Supposedly the score contains a schematic diagram of the train tracks that ran through Mittenwald in the 1940s, and that the rune and fragmented sentence “Enden der Tanz” (“end the dance”) at the end of the score means the treasure can be found at the former site of the buffer stops. An excavation is already underway, but so far, no gold. Spiegel writes that Giesen is seeking funding that will allow the digging to continue.

What utter BOLLOCKS! Any historian worth his salt knows that the last remaining German cache of 14,000 gold bars was stored in a bank vault 30 miles behind enemy lines in the town of Clermont, France, and that the gold was liberated by Kelly and his heroes! I know this because I managed to get hold of an ingot disguised as lead as recently as 2007 from a car boot sale in Hertfordshire! I treated myself to a mouth full of gold fillings, and a bespoke gold anus! I usually whip it out at dinner parties! I can’t tell you how many times my gold anus has got me laid…none!

FOOD FOR THOUGHT…NAH!

English: Kopi luwak, coffee seeds from faeces ...

English: Kopi luwak, coffee seeds from faeces of palm civet. Lampung, Indonesia Bahasa Indonesia: Kopi luwak dari Lampung (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

My girlfriend recently told me that she’s sick of my cooking, and suggested…URGED me to expand…as she put it, my ‘CULINARY EXPERIENCES.‘ The following are just some of the dishes I discovered on the net!

COCKROACH SOUP (Vietnam). Sorry, no can do!

FRIED BATS (Thailand/Southeast Asia). F**k off!

DRIED SCORPION/GRASSHOPPER (Asia/Mexico). Double f**k off!!

DRIED LIZARDS (Japan). I’d rather gnaw my own toes off!

LIVE OCTOPUS (Korea).

LIVE SILK WORM GRUBS ON RICE (Japan). I’d rather buy the shirt!

RATS, PICKLED & BARBECUED (India/Thailand). Death seems more appealing!

FRIED TARANTULAS (Cambodia/Philippines). I reiterate my first comment!

BALUT– fertilized chicken/dick foetus (India). I’d rather eat my neighbour!

PUFFIN HEART (Iceland). Yes, I could at a stretch I suppose!

OX PENIS– steamed/fried (Far East…the farther the better.) Err…nope!

ROCKY MOUNTAIN OYSTERS– fried buffalo/bull testicles). Oh why the hell not?

TUNA EYES (Japan). Yuk!

CAMELS FEET ‘VINAIGRETTE’ (France). Would rather go down on a ‘camel-toe’!

‘CAVIAR OF THE EAST’…CHINESE BIRDS NEST SOUP. The soup is made from SWIFTS’ nest. Apparently the bird’s gelatinous SALIVA is a delicacy!  I’m not about to pay £100 a bowl to eat bird spit!

SONGBIRDS– ‘Glue-trapped’, drowned in Armagnac and eaten whole (France/now illegal). My principles forbid me to spend £150 on a course that I must eat in secret. Hell, it doesn’t even come with fries!

KOPI LUWAK- Coffee beans from the Asian Civet’s asshole, £50 a cup. No cup of coffee is worth £50! Nor can you complain that your coffee tastes like shit!

Most of the above dishes may well be considered DELICACIES now, but once upon a time they were poor man’s food. Some probably still are. Upon further consideration I’ll stick to what I know, simple, boring food. My girlfriend should be satisfied that I’m one of the world’s greatest LOVERS. Really, I can’t be expected to be a Michelin star chef too!

PLANS TO HALVE ‘TRIDENT’ REPLACEMENT!

English: United States Trident II (D-5) missil...

English: United States Trident II (D-5) missile underwater launch. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

The Liberal Democrats wish to halve the size of Britain’s submarine nuclear deterrent from four to two (hardly a fleet) and propose that the subs should only put to sea in emergencies. First of all, will the nuclear missiles themselves be halved in size? In other words, are we to fund a fleet of mini sibs? Secondly, will the nukes still go just straight up and down, or are they capable of doing ‘loop-the-loop’? Thirdly, if the two nuclear subs only put to sea in an emergency, might not that be TOO LATE? Fallout from an enemy nuclear missile will play havoc with the reception on my digital TV. If it a question of MONEY (isn’t it always), then let members of the British public pay for the privilege of naming out missiles. If I could get say 5000 people together and we all agreed to Christen a missile…DEREK, could we still please have four submarines? Yes, yes…see Derek fly!

On a more serious note, the only people who are ever lightly to fire a nuclear missile are Jihadists, should they ever get their hands on one…oh, and India…oh…oh…Pakistan, North Korea, China, Russia, France…yes, definitely France, and the USA, and should we get out finger out in time, which is very doubtful, we Brits.

‘MINI-MISS’ BEAUTY PAGEANTS BANNED IN FRANCE!

The Stooges win no beauty contests as overgrow...

The Stooges win no beauty contests as overgrown little girls in Nutty But Nice. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

France has banned children’s beauty contests in an attempt to prevent the ‘hyper-sexualisation’ of youngsters. A new law prevents anyone under the age of 16 from being judged on their physical  appearance. It follows concerns expressed all over the world, including Britain where pageants are still legal, about girls being forced to grow up too fast. Now anyone caught organising a beauty competition for children in France faces up to two years in prison and fines equivalent of around 25,000 pounds.

Meanwhile, over in beauty pageant home world, America, not only are Mini-Miss pageants going from strength to strength, but one canny entrepreneur is about to organise the world’s first ‘ultrasound female foetus competition’.

CYBERWARS!

hackingJust as ICBMs replaced the Flying Fortresses as a deterrent against old Soviet aggression, cyber-hacking…once called Industrial Espionage… must have to a large extent replaced undercover agents living in another country and reporting back to their spymasters. You want information, just hack your economic enemy! Certainly the start-up costs are high for state-sponsored hacking, but in the long-term it must pay dividends ‘acquiring’ intellectual property you didn’t develop. Anyone who is someone has been hacked, and they hack back!

While President Obama is under growing pressure to take a tougher stance with Beijing over cyber-espionage, hacking has gone mainstream! On the principle that it takes a hacker to catch a hacker, the University of Valenciennes in France is offering a degree in ‘Ethical hacking, Countermeasures & Computer Security’. The teachers build cyber-fortresses which students learn how to break through. Let’s hear from one of those enrolled; “It can take you more than three days to locate the tiniest, almost undetectable CHINK in the armour.” How apt, since most of the hacking is done by state-sponsored CHINESE HACKERS, or North Koreans funded by the Chinese Government.  It is no wonder the new 200 million Chinese middle class live so high on the hog, they don’t pay for the use of any intellectual property! By the way, similar hacking courses are run at the University of Abertay Dundee and at the University of Northumbria. I certainly couldn’t even consider enrolling in such a course. I’ve just learned to use an ABACUS! The Chinese have no imagination to invent anything substantive, for in a repressed society, displaying signs of a unique imagination is the sign of an ‘individual’, and in China, individuality leads to a long spell an in a work camp! But why? Because individuality may lead to Democracy! In conclusion I would say this! In China international patents aren’t worth the paper they’re written on!

DON’T BRING UP THE WAR!

Mussolini (left) and Hitler sent their armies ...

Mussolini (left) and Hitler sent their armies to North Africa and into Egypt against the British (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

There is a growing movement among the EU bureaucrats…unaccountable to the electorate, to dispense with the annual Commemorative days…V.E Day and V.J Day. ‘No point opening old wounds, after all, are we not now one United States of Europe?‘ Besides they say, ‘there are almost no survivors of WW1 and as time passes, fewer and fewer survivors of WW2. Come on, let bygones be bygones!’ So, the 100 million who died in two world wars are to be consigned to the history books!  If you forget past grave sins, are they not destined to be repeated by future generations?

In times of economic hardship FASCISM has raised its ugly head again…in Italy, France and Greece. Was not the rise of Fascism in Italy and Germany largely responsible for the outbreak of World War Two? Never forget the sacrifices others made so you can live a free and unfettered life!

One further thought! Bearing in mind the damage the German Fascists did to the occupied Greek people, it is unfathomable to me how the far-right Greek Golden Dawn Party has gained so much support.

Our EU leaders consume an annual budget of £110BILLION. I do wonder whether the UK’s contribution of £55MILLION A DAY is money well spent?

CELEBRITY WATCHING!

English: Logo for the US television show Despe...

English: Logo for the US television show Desperate Housewives (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Why are so many of us pre-occupied…dare I say OBSESSED with the lives and loves of celebrities? Admiration quickly turns to scathing criticism whenever out favourite celeb puts on a pound or two. I read with some amusement that Cannes Film Festival attendee, knickerless Eva Longoria of ‘Desperate Housewives’ fame adjusted her dress only to INADVERTENTLY reveal a splendid looking United States VAGINA. If the actress is looking for work, one would think there are far more subtle ways of going about it? Then again, perhaps she’s between agents? Anyways, I heard that the pictures of said genitals spread so quickly around the globe that two European satellites collided. Proof-positive once again that the power of ORGANIC material over INORGANIC material cannot be disputed!

WHY ‘IS’ PROPERTY SO DAMN EXPENSIVE IN ENGLAND?

English: Nouvelle Experience Finale 1994, Cirq...

English: Nouvelle Experience Finale 1994, Cirque du Soleil. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

While the average first-time buyer in London needs a £200,000 loan, the average property price is £454,000! There are plenty of young professionals and couples who cannot get on the property ladder, and probably never will, but why IS property in many parts of England so expensive? Well, like so many things in life, it is a question of supply & demand. Compared to many other countries, England is TINY, but our population is not. Geographically, we remain a fifth of the size of France, Germany, Italy, Spain. Until the Government/local authorities release parcels of green belt land for construction, there are very few plots of land available, and those that find their way onto the open market go for a small fortune.

Is the situation fair…no, it is not, but with an ever-growing population, the value of property is only going to rise further! It doesn’t help that rents are not controlled, allowing private landlords to charge whatever they want, thus the value of their properties increases. It really is a vicious circle.

Recently, a 9x6x3 ex-utility cupboard in a Knightsbridge block of flats sold for £190,000 to one Adele Cramp, 29, a contortionist from the Cirque du Soleil. Apparently she had to bend over backwards to get a mortgage!

HORSE MEAT DON’T CUT THE MUSTARD!

Basashi (raw horsemeat) from Towada.

Basashi (raw horsemeat) from Towada. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

I really don’t know what to make of last year’s horse meat scandal. I’ve tried it in France and personally I think it’s BUTE!

I guess if the truth be told, I really don’t give a s**t. After all there are plenty of other chemical ingredients in our food that is likely to do us far more harm. I suppose the only gripe is the cost. If horse meat is cheaper than beef, lamb or pork, then ‘price wise’ we’ve been ripped off! I should think the fraud has been on-going for decades and it is just one branch of organized crime. So long as horse meat doesn’t turn up in Ben & Jerry’s ice-cream I’m not going to get into a lather over it.

The best joke I’ve so far heard on the subject is this one.

My daughter has always wanted a pony, so I’m buying her a Tesco quarter-pounder for her birthday.’

BRITISH ECONOMY WILL BE LARGEST IN EUROPE BY 2030?

Vagabonds of the Western World

Vagabonds of the Western World (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

According to the Centre for Economics and Business Research (CEBR) the UK has the second-best performing economy in the Western world after the United States. Furthermore, the CEBR predicts Britain will leapfrog Germany to become Europe’s largest economy by 2030. Sorry to be the messenger of bad news, but I do believe someone’s having a laugh! Maybe it’s a misprint? Perhaps the CEBR meant the largest population in Europe? The largest economy in Europe by 2030…forget it…pie in the sky! Entrepreneurship is still being stifled by the lack of seed money. Banks won’t lend without ‘adequate’ security. And one of the reasons Sterling remains strong is, the City still washes trillions of pounds of dirty, foreign money. If the City didn’t, the money of dubious origin would go elsewhere! Britain has no natural resources, and a deficit of 1.16trillion, which will still be around in 2030. My advice…get out if you can, for Britain is heading for Third World status, or to put it another way, we’re on our way to becoming the vagabonds of the Western World. The above claim is mere HUBRIS!

T.V. AND FILM STAR SEAN BEAN ‘BARRED’ FROM LOCAL WATERING HOLE!

English: Sean Bean at the Empire Film Awards i...

English: Sean Bean at the Empire Film Awards in March 2009. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

SEAN BEAN has reportedly been banned from his local boozer The Washington in Belsize Park, North London because of his allegedly BAD behaviour. How DARE they ban Major SHARPE! The man spent years fighting for king & country, and this is how he’s treated! Shot several time and so often skewered in France and Spain…and I believe in THE TROSSACHS, why if it wasn’t for the Major and his band of ‘chosen men’, the British may have lost the Napoleonic Wars! I say, Richard Sharpe can drink where he f**king wants to!

OXFORD GRADUATE DRESSES UP AS NAZI…IN FRANCE!

Nazism collapsing.

Nazism collapsing. (Photo credit: onesecbeforethedub)

A French prosecutor today demanded the maximum fine possible for an Oxford graduate who wore a Nazi uniform at a stag night partly organised by Tory MP Aidan Burley. Mark Fournier, 36, is accused of a dressing up as an SS officer at a restaurant in the upmarket ski resort of Val Thorens. Mr Burley, the 34-year-old MP for Cannock Chase in Staffordshire, was with 12 friends, some of whom chanted ‘Hitler, Hitler, Hitler’. One even toasted the ‘Third Reich’. Fournier, who was prosecuted for wearing a uniform of an organisation found guilty of crimes against humanity…something which is illegal in France.

Sorry, I don’t get it? Followers of my blog will know I possess an acute sense of humour. Now I can understand dressing up as…say Benny Hill, who brought laughter and joy to millions of people and who didn’t harm anyone, but dressing up as a Nazi? I appreciate it was a long time ago, but Nazis started a World War in which 100milllion people died. Had the fascists won the war, they probably would have slaughtered at least another 100million. In fact, some of you reading this blog, wouldn’t be alive to read it were the Nazis victorious. Many more would currently be slaves. Hey, I certainly wouldn’t be around to write  my blog! Other than misguided white supremacists, I cannot understand why anyone would want to wear an SS officer’s uniform? Anyway, why celebrate Nazism in the first place? Unlike the Roman Empire that lasted over a thousand years, Hitler and his co-conspirators only tasted absolute power for nine years…1936-1945!