DON’T FALL ILL ON THE WEEKEND!

hello, weekend.

hello, weekend. (Photo credit: erin m)

Apparently patients who undergo operations on a weekend are 82% more likely to die due in part to receiving second-rate care during antisocial hours when consultants are off duty! You must be shitting me? In my youth I was advised never to buy a car assembled on a Friday or on a Monday. Of course that was before the introduction of ‘quality control.’ Perhaps it is QC that the NHS should now concentrate on? Perhaps this bad PR is leaked by the Government in order to frighten us into taking out private medical insurance? That said, I DO see conspiracies everywhere these days. It’s hard not too. That said too, lets all err on the side of caution. Don’t get ill at the weekend! Bubble wrap yourselves between Friday night and Monday morning. Yes, I know it will make sex ‘almost’ impossible, but isn’t it better to be safe than sorry?

WHO BECOMES PRIME MINISTER IF DAVID CAMERON IS KILLED?

English: David Cameron, Prime Minister of the ...

English: David Cameron, Prime Minister of the United Kingdom and leader of the Conservative Party (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Interestingly, if the prime minister dies or becomes incapacitated there is no clear constitutional rule as to who takes over the government. This worries Tory MP Peter Bone, who has produced a Bill that sets out where cabinet ministers are in the pecking order. The backbencher’s Prime Minister (Replacement) Bill is due for second reading on Friday. It seeks to address the “lack of clear succession” should David Cameron be killed or become temporarily incapacitated and is unable to perform his duties.

In the present economic climate, and with our democratic rights being eroded on a regular basis, does it actually matter who takes over from David Cameron should he no longer be fit for purpose? As far as I am concerned, we wouldn’t be any worse off if you were to replace the entire cabinet with monkeys from London Zoo! If you happen to sneak a peek at Prime Minister’s question time on TV, you’ll know what I mean!

Regarding MPs well-documented drinking habits, and according to details released under the Freedom of Information Act, taxpayer-subsidised bars for MPs sold more than 65,000 alcoholic drinks last year. Parliament’s bars and restaurants – subsidised by more than £7 million – served at least 65,770 drinks between last November and this October. The top ten sellers in the Common’s Bar only were: Guest Ale (15,075), Beck’s Vier (9,504), Sauvignon Blanc (9,484), Merlot (7,085), Falernia sauvignon (5,729), Guinness (4,647), Peroni (4,318), House of Commons Merlot (3,494), Pinot gris (3,385), and Chardonnay (3,049).

Conservative MP Mark Reckless (how appropriate a name), a prominent Eurosceptic, apologised months after he was elected in 2010 for being too drunk to vote. That’s another thing…I do wonder how many MPs have been under the influence when voting on serious matters that affect our daily lives? I would rather an MP was too drunk to vote, than voted to change my life while drunk!

I’M ABSOLUTELY STUNNED!

Franklin mills mall

Franklin mills mall (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Black Friday shopping fever! A woman reportedly attacked a rival shopper with a stun gun at the Franklin Mills Mall in northeast Philadelphia. Another Thanksgiving shopper pulled a stun gun in a dispute over a shopping cart outside of a Walmart store in New Jersey. Now that’s what I call shopping with attitude! Where bargains are concerned, shopping is a serious business. Take no chances, take no prisoners. When in doubt, zap!

THE ‘VOMIT COMET’ (LONDON UNDERGROUND) TO RUN NON-STOP AT WEEKENDS!

London Underground roundel logo

London Underground roundel logo (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

That’s right folks…good news for revellers, muggers, drug addicts and the homeless…the London Underground tube system will run 24 hours a day at weekends from autumn 2015. Barring breakdowns and signal failures, trains will operate around the clock on the Piccadilly, Victoria, Central, Jubilee and Northern lines from Friday morning until Sunday night! Good news too for train drivers, London Transport police officers and tube train cleaners, for there will be plenty of opportunities for overtime and at ‘weekend’ rate! I can’t help thinking this new service should have come into effect decades ago, but that had a lot to do with Union resistance! Never mind, all well that ends well eh?

However, not so much good news for around 950 London Underground staff at 5,740 ticket offices, for they are to be permanently shut, to replaced by another 150 fully automated ticket machines. It is intended that some of the ticket offices will be turned into retail spaces and ‘drop-off’ points for Amazon. Meanwhile, a deal has been struck between ASDA supermarket, Transport for London (TFL) and the Muggers Union for ‘click & collect’ services from car parks outside six tube stations.

My advice to you for what it’s worth is, if you intend taking advantage of the extended tube service, wear clothing that is dry-cleanable. The last thing you want is to be vomited over by someone off their face or out of their skull! There is even more good news for the few remaining secure mental institutions that haven’t as yet been emptied and turned into luxury apartments for upwardly mobile members of middle class society. Nut houses can now release onto the underground system patients with mental health issues who might wish to scoop out your heart with a blunt spoon! Be there or be sq…tubular!

On as entirely different subject, I was going to enter the National Lottery today, after all, ‘if you’re not in it you can’t win it’, but with only £5 million up for grabs, I shan’t bother. I mean, what can you get for £5 mil in London…an outside toilet? Remaining on the subject of ‘defecation‘ for a moment, that’s another thing you won’t find in most tube stations…toilets, so when the extended service begins, be prepared for drunkards to piss up against platform walls and squat inside carriages! Would it be so bad if some of the soon-to-be former ticket offices were converted into lavatories?

BREAST-FEEDING IS NOW A ‘CRIME’ IN RUSSIA!

English: IMBP logo

English: IMBP logo (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

A Russian breast-feeding expert has been arrested on suspicion of being a cult leader. Zhanna Tsaregradskaya, director of the Rozhana Centre, in Kaluga, near Moscow, was detained by the country’s counter-extremism police claiming the pre-natal facility was ‘a sect with a strict hierarchical structure’. Although breast-feeding is encouraged in the west, it is contrary to common practise in Soviet and Russian medicine. If most new Russian mothers use formula milk with which to feed their babies, then it begs the question, what happens to all that natural Russian Federation breast milk? Is it siphoned off, bottled and labelled Camel’s milk?

The Rozhana Centre, which was established in 1989 and helped re-introduce home births in Russia, offers training courses for midwives and expectant mothers interested in having a home birth. And what’s so subversive about that?

In their statement released on Friday, police investigators revealed they have charged Tsaregradskaya on two counts …one of ‘creating a non-commercial organisation that encroaches on the personalities and rights of citizens’ and a second of ‘the incitement of hatred  and hostility’. The statement went on to say the centre’s ‘followers’, thought to number 14, were taught to ‘reject the family as a social institution, to act negatively toward their spouses (men), to refuse medical help, education, work and military service’. It said the centre used ‘physical and psychological violence’ to maintain control over its followers, teaching them disobedience towards the norms of society. Wowee, I had no idea ‘breast milk’ could conjure up so much emotion?

Obviously the real reasons for the arrest have yet to be revealed. Presumably Tsaregradskaya stepped on someone’s political toes, However, I can assure you there is nothing finer than Grand Cru breast milk. As an abandoned baby I sampled infinite amounts of cross cultural breast milk from a variety of wet nurses, and I didn’t turn out too badly! Why I enjoyed mother’s milk from two Philippians, an Aryan, a Nigerian, a Haitian and a Cambodian. The Haitian made me a look‑a‑like doll with pins in it and the bird from the Khmer Rouge got me my first machine gun at eleven months. It was a Chinese made AK47, common as muck! Stripping the weapon was a doddle even for an infant, however, reassembling the machine gun presented a whole new set of problems, especially when I was expected to do it blind-folded. Frustrated, I spat out my dummy! As far as I am concerned, breast is best!

AN APPLE A DAY KEEPS THE DOCTOR AWAY!

Apple Store in Regent Street, it was my first ...

Apple Store in Regent Street, it was my first time there! (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

It is Wednesday 18th of September 2013. This morning I had to take my 19-year-old nephew to the doctor. Simon is panting, sweating, is irritable, and he has come out in an unsightly rash. When we arrived at the surgery, lo and behold there were at least another dozen teenagers of both sexes suffering similar ailments. Many were crying! Someone switched on the television, and remarkably everyone seemed to calm down. The BBC 24-hour news station was reporting on the new £709:00 Apple iPhone 5s (64 GB) cell phone that is available to purchase from Friday the 20th. at 8am.

Finally Simon and I were seen by a Dr Roberts. “Not another one,” she said. “Simon, you’re suffering from CPDS…cell phone denial syndrome. There is no known cure for your cellular decay. Now listen carefully! You must get within 30 feet of an Apple iPhone 5s, or 5c otherwise you could succumb to seizures! Go now…hurry!” I took the rest of the day off work and drove Simon to the Apple flagship store in Regent Street, Central London! The queue stretched all the way to the Channel Tunnel and beyond!

‘PSYCHO’ SOUTHEND GUESTHOUSE IS OPEN FOR BUSINESS!

Southend Cliff Railway The old cliff lift on S...

Southend Cliff Railway The old cliff lift on Southend seafront, a funicular railway (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

DEATH BECOMES YOU! A hen party appalled by a foul stench at  their seaside guest house discovered it was coming from a DECOMPOSING CORPSE in the room next door! Friends of the bride-to-be told how she spent her hen night vomiting due to the ‘disgusting’ smell at Benson’s Guest House in Southend-on-Sea in Essex last Friday.

The girls, who described flies buzzing around at the Victorian building, told how a cleaner discovered a man’s body in the neighbouring room the following morning…and said it is thought he could have  been lying there for days. Workshy bastard!

The guest house investigated after the girls complained about the smell spoiling their party, but because the room next door was let to a permanent tenant staff said they could not enter without  permission. It wasn’t until the cleaner went in the  following morning that the source of the stench was discovered.

The Victorian guest house, described on its website as a ‘home-from-home’ ideal for a holiday, business trip or short break at the beach, declined to comment when contacted by MailOnline. Furthermore, the offer on the table from BEST WESTERN HOTELS has been withdrawn!