I WENT TO MY DOCTOR THE OTHER DAY…

I Need a Doctor

I Need a Doctor (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

complaining of severe cramp in my right foot. ‘When does this occur?’ my doctor asked.

I replied, ‘Whenever I get up to go to work.’

‘In that case,’ my doctor said, ‘have you thought about giving work up?’ I’ve never been one to reject sound medical advice, nor have I been one to seek a second opinion.

THE CURE FOR LARYNGITIS? GO FOR A CRACK, SACK & BACK!

Grand Inquisitor Tomás de Torquemada

Grand Inquisitor Tomás de Torquemada (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Or a back, sack & crack. It doesn’t matter in what order you receive this cruel and unusual form of punishment, invented by Tomas de Torquemada, First Grand Inquisitor Of Spain. I got it as a birthday present from an EX-girlfriend. Basically it starts with an endless stream of lies. “Put your preconceptions aside. Its not as bad as you’ve heard. It’s merely wax on, and pull off. Honestly, you’ll hardly feel a thing!” Well folks, I screamed so loud that I completely forgot about my laryngitis. Had I known how painful the treatment was, I would have happily volunteered for exploratory route canal instead! So don’t do it. If you happen to be as hairy as a lycanthrope, well, accept yourself for who you are and opt for a centre chest parting!

 

SUICIDE IS OVER-RATED!

English: Old telephone switchboard

English: Old telephone switchboard (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

It didn’t take a genius to work out that I wasn’t built for relationships, especially those horrid employer/employee relationships. Yes, a break from the work place was definitely in order, so I turned my attentions to the community in which I lived. Someone was bound to need me, so I applied post-haste to a charity called ‘Suicide Watchtower’ set up in competition to the ‘Samaritans’, and embarked on a four-week intensive training course that concentrated on a series of role playing exercises. Naturally I passed out with flying colours and eventually got to man the switchboard in an office located above a record shop in Kensington Church Street. I was handed a listed of trigger words and phrases never to be used, like ‘JUMP’, and ‘PULL YOURSELF TOGETHER,’ and quickly memorised these. With lives in my hands, I don’t mind telling you, I was plenty nervous. My heart was pumping, my hands were sweating and one of my balls was throbbing, mainly because I was sitting on it.

The switchboard light suddenly lit up and I was thrown in at the deep end. I took a deep breath and picked up the receiver. “Hello, Argos complaints department, how may I help you…Sorry!” I began again.  “Err…Suicide Watchtower, David speaking.” At first no one spoke. “Hello, is anybody there?”

Err, my name is Jeremy, and…” Apparently Jeremy was sitting in a hotel room drunk in charge of a loaded revolver. His wife had left him for his partner who had cheated Jeremy out of his share of a thriving business. I let the man talk himself out as I had been trained to do. Finally I said, “Jeremy, it’s always darkest before the dawn, so lets look for the silver lining together! Now listen very carefully.” I told him to grab a sheet of paper and a pen and draw a vertical line down the middle. This he did. “Now write out two lists, first the things that are troubling you.” I drank tea while he wrote. “Done!” “Good,” I said. “Now write out the things you have in your favour.” Two minutes later I heard a gun shot. I wouldn’t use that f**king tactic again.

The switchboard light shone. Brian told me he was standing on a stool with a rope around his neck speaking to me on a cellular phone. “Florian has left me. David, what am I to do?”  It appeared Florian was Brian’s long time male lover. They had even gone through a marriage ceremony on the island of Fiji. I listened to the man for over forty minutes trying not to snore too loudly. Every so often he would punctuate his tale with threats to jump. Naturally I talked him out of it. However, after the sixth such threat my enthusiasm began to wane. Finally I lost what little patience I had left and screamed down the phone. “Jump you f**ker, jump!”

“What?”

“I said, DON’T jump you f**ker, don’t jump! Quickly, give me your address. I’ll happily come round and throttle you myself! I’ve met a bore or two in my time, but you take the biscuit!” It was then that I heard the stool topple over and the line went dead. Scratch two! Did you know that most people who hang themselves actually die of asphyxiation and not from a broken neck? Very few people know how to tie a proper noose. Sadly, proper noose tying is a dying art form. Anyway, the whole experience at Suicide Watch re-affirmed my belief that I really wasn’t a people person after all.

NOTA BENE:  Although this is primarily a COMEDY blog, I have no wish to offend. The subject of SUICIDE should not be treated lightly.If anyone IS offended, communicate this to me and I WILL trash this blog!

THE FOUNTAIN OF YOUTH!

Resveratrol was first isolated from Senna quin...

Resveratrol was first isolated from Senna quinquangulata (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

LADIES…gentlemen too, does your skin resemble shrivelled Egyptian papyrus? Do your crows feet give you more character than you wish for? Well, forget cosmetic surgery and vampire face lifts, forget laser treatment, forget vitamin IV drips, forget Botox, forget lotions and potions, mud baths and stinky face packs…forget snake venom creams, dermal fillers, placenta-based moisturizer & face masks, leech therapy, ceramic crystal injections, mesotherapy, non-venomous snake massage, sheep embryo injections, breast milk soap, bull semen hair treatment, bird poop facials, snail ooze facials, bee venom facials, gold-leaf facials, caviar facials and the full body chocolate wrap! If you want to stave off the ravages of TIME, have you thought about DRINKING yourself YOUNG...well perhaps you should, for there exists…APPARENTLY, a brand new anti-aging ELIXIR just like the ones you may have read about in children’s fairy tales!

FOUNTAIN‘The Beauty Molecule’ claims not only to be a highly effective weapon in the war against wrinkles, but also to boost your overall health, and the secret that lies within the £24.99 pomegranate-flavoured drink is RESVERATROL…an anti-oxidant prized for its supposed ability to slow down and delay the ageing  process. Resveratrol can be found in peanuts, Japanese knotweed, red wine and in red grape skins, but has never before been made available in liquid form.

According to an article in the Mail Online, when our cells divide to create new cells, these new cells are often uneven and abnormal from the original and this is more commonly known as the ageing process. So, uneven cell division. Yes, I can just about grasp that. Now resveratrol should delay this process by encouraging division at a slower rate,  thereby extending the life span of cells and delaying ageing.

Resveratrol has even been shown to help ward off the potentially deadly form of skin cancer, melanoma, according to recent studies. Harvard scientists also found that the powerful antioxidant directly activates a protein that promotes health and longevity in the body.

As with most things that are good for us, resveratrol tastes disgusting by itself, so Fountain have added natural pomegranate to sweeten the flavour. This elixir of life also contains the anti-oxidant Black Carrot and the anti-ageing super-ingredient hyaluronic acid, which enhances the process by stimulating collagen production and  smoothing out wrinkles. Remember though…it is only one teaspoon a day that keeps the plastic surgeon at bay. Guzzle it as you would beer, and you are in danger of waking up as a five-year-old child, and do you really want to go through puberty again?

I would be much more convinced that FOUNTAIN did what it said on the bottle if it sold, not for £24:99, but for £500:00, but hay-ho, I’m prepared to give anything a try! Even if it doesn’t extend my life…I bet I’ll be the best looking corpse in the graveyard, which is all that counts, right?

STRAWBERRIES AREN’T THE ONLY FRUIT..THANK GOD!

A strawberry Français : une fraise Galego: un ...

A strawberry Français : une fraise Galego: un amorodo Italiano: una fragola Español: una fresa Nederlands: een aardbei Svenska: en jordgubbe (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Strawberries may be synonymous with summer, but eaten all year round they can prevent heart attacks, a study suggests. Scientists found that three or more handfuls of strawberries or each week reduced the risk of heart attack in women by up to a third. It is said the fruit contain specific kinds of flavonoid plant compounds that appear to combat blocked arteries. I am here to tell you that as a man I would rather RISK a heart attack than put my faith in the strawberry. I HATE them! Without an outer skin they go off very quickly. They are either too hard and not at all sweet, or too soft and past their best. If you have to cover the fruit with refined sugar, what’s the point in eating strawberries? I would rather eat my own toenails. Hear my voice, don’t trust a strawberry. It will let you down. Strawberries aren’t the only fruit…thank God! Yeah, yeah, I hear you, ‘dipped in chocolate’ they’re F.A.B. I’ll give you that!

A BRIEF HISTORY OF THYME!

Bouquet garni: thyme, bay leaves, sage

Bouquet garni: thyme, bay leaves, sage (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Ancient Egyptians used thyme for embalming. The ancient Greeks, believing it was a source of courage, used it in their baths and burnt it as incense in their temples. The Romans used it to purify their rooms. In the European Middle Ages, the herb was placed beneath pillows to aid sleep and ward off nightmares. Women would also often give knights and warriors gifts that included thyme leaves, as it was believed to bring courage to the bearer. Thyme was also used as incense and placed on coffins during funerals, as it was supposed to assure passage into the next life.

In modern times thyme is a common component of the bouquet garni. Pre-modern antibiotics, oil of thyme was used to medicate bandages. Used as an antiseptic, the herb is the main active ingredient in various commercially produced mouthwashes such as Listerine, alcohol-free hand sanitizers and anti-fungal treatments. A tea made by infusing the herb in water can be used for coughs and bronchitis.

Thank you Wikipedia. You are the fountain of knowledge! Now it’s thyme I walked the dog!

6 REASONS WHY SEX IS GOOD FOR YOUR HEALTH!

Love Can Seriously Damage Your Health

Love Can Seriously Damage Your Health (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

1) Making with the LURVE is good for your heart…unless you have a pre-existing heart condition, in which case it’s SAYONARA!

2) Making love will help you shed a few pounds…particularly if you’re PAYING for it!

3) Making love can relieve STRESS…unless of course you’re into ‘S & M’ and your sexual partner leave you bleeding and shackled to the bedstead while he/she goes for a pizza!

4) Making love can send you to SLEEP…often in the middle of it!

5) Making love stops you getting SICK by boosting the immune system…unless of course you’re in bed with the WRONG partner who actually makes you sick!

6) Making love is good for you self-esteem…unless you’re a PREMATURE EJACULATOR!

ALOE VERA…HOW YOU DOING?

Spotted forms of Aloe vera are sometimes known...

Spotted forms of Aloe vera are sometimes known as Aloe vera var. chinensis. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

I’m amazed how much ALOE VERA has taken off in the last few years. I mean, the plant extract is bloody everywhere! Aloe can be found in yoghurt, desserts, nutritional drinks, vitamin supplements, skin care products, hair care products, balms, ointments, moisturizer, soap, sunscreen, incense, shaving cream, tissues, toilet paper, animal products. Its used as a fresh food preservative, is used to heal first & second degree burns, may be effective for genital herpes and psoriasis and is even used in the dilution of semen for artificial fertilisation of sheep. My only real surprise is that you can actually get hold of any Aloe!

UK…THE ADDICTION CAPITAL OF EUROPE!

European Monitoring Centre for Drugs and Drug ...

European Monitoring Centre for Drugs and Drug Addiction (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

When it comes to drug and alcohol addiction, we in the UK are apparently head and shoulders above everyone else in Europe. Well, at least ONE of our records hasn’t been broken! ‘Legal highs’ that can kill and have done so, are easily available to purchase on the Internet and are often delivered to our homes by regular postmen and courier services. No one RAVES like a Briton! Why you can even buy crack cocaine and heroin from mail-order websites. And the cost to the rest of society…£36BILLION (healthcare. crime associated with drug addiction, and loss of productivity).

Don’t blame the young! Britain has been TARGETED by criminal for decades. Sixty years ago, other than the occasional aristocratic ‘toot’ of cocaine, no one took drugs. The disadvantages of living on an island, is that it is impossible to police every inch of coastline. These days, with so many young people unemployed and disenchanted with life, together with easy access to narcotics, some people still in their ‘prime’ can’t think of anything else to do with their time other than getting high. Sadly, drugs in one form or another has become part of a staple diet. I’m just grateful that narcotics is one addiction that passed me by!

UK CANNABIS FARMS!

Cannabis sativa plant

Cannabis sativa plant (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

According to the Independent Drug Monitoring Unit, a staggering half a million people in the UK are running secret cannabis farms in their homes. Well, this must explain the excessive profits energy companies are posting! An explosion in production of the drug means hundreds of thousands of suburban houses have been converted into hidden marijuana factories. “Excuse me officer…but it is for medicinal purposes only…I suffer from arthritis!” The booming industry is fuelled by gangs switching from hard drugs such as cocaine and heroin because of the more lenient penalties for cannabis provided one grows fewer than ten plants in a single property. So when cannabis is eventually legalised in the UK, as I’m sure it will be, growers can look forward to completing online tax returns!

Apparently only nine plants is enough to net around £40,000 a year. Blimey, I’ll have to kick out my lodger and replace him with plants! The ‘hydroponics’ kit  included tents, lights and ventilation systems, which increase the yield and strength of the drug can be yours for as little as £400. I’ll have to check out Amazon & eBay!

Of course its a whole different ball game if you go ‘industrial’ and grow industrial strength ‘skunk’ which it is claimed can cause serious mental problems. Police in London seized cannabis worth £2.6million in a single month of raids in August and made more than 350 related arrests. Scotland Yard said it shut down 37 marijuana factories and recovered more than 2,700 plants, alongside vast amounts of cash and weapons. Meanwhile, police are investigating claims that bags of cannabis were left in a hire van used by officers to transport them from the scene of a drug seizure! The forces of ‘law & disorder’ just can’t catch a break!

THE CONTINUED BASTARDIZATION OF SPOKEN ENGLISH.

"Science Friday" Recommendations

“Science Friday” Recommendations (Photo credit: LollyKnit)

I don’t know about you, but there are certain phrases that get on my NERVES!

‘I’m gutted!‘ Oh no you’re not. You’re upset, even distraught, but you’re not actually gutted. If you were really gutted you’d know about it. Your insides would be outside. You hear ‘I’m gutted’ a lot on television, particularly on cookery shows. Hell, if everyone who’s said ‘I’m gutted’ actually was gutted, well, the world would be knee-deep’ in pustulating intestines!

You’re joking me!’  Double YUK.

‘It’s not rocket science.  Used by everyone except rocket scientists.

‘Alright mate?’ (when talking to a woman).

Here’s a really wacky idea one might employ in order to extend one’s vocabulary;

TRY READING A BOOK OCCASIONALLY, DUMB-ARSE! If you find this blog offensive…GOOD!

SWINGERS PARTIES!

Poster for the film Swingers

Poster for the film Swingers (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

I spoke to dyslexic friend Joe the other day. We hadn’t seen one another for three whole years. Over two coffees he explained that although he was now divorced, his love life had never been so healthy. Joe attends SWINGERS parties you see, and he’ll think nothing of travelling three miles to a venue. I said, “But aren’t you afraid of catching a sexually transmitted disease?” He said not. I pressed Joe. “But what about gonorrhoea?” My friend replied, “Well I can’t be expected to know EVERYONE’S names!”

TREASURED MEMORIES!

Come and Get These Memories (album)

Come and Get These Memories (album) (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

I’ve come to realised that memories are like photographs…fixed! I lay in bed the other night unable to sleep, when I began thinking about an ex-girlfriend…one that in hindsight, I shouldn’t have let slip through my fingers. Hey, we’ve all done it, dithered. Anyway, for no particular reason I tried to change the colour of her hair. It didn’t work. I tried to make subtle changes to her pose. I couldn’t. Memories are fixed, and just like photographs, they can’t be altered.

DON’T FALL ILL ON THE WEEKEND!

hello, weekend.

hello, weekend. (Photo credit: erin m)

Apparently patients who undergo operations on a weekend are 82% more likely to die due in part to receiving second-rate care during antisocial hours when consultants are off duty! You must be shitting me? In my youth I was advised never to buy a car assembled on a Friday or on a Monday. Of course that was before the introduction of ‘quality control.’ Perhaps it is QC that the NHS should now concentrate on? Perhaps this bad PR is leaked by the Government in order to frighten us into taking out private medical insurance? That said, I DO see conspiracies everywhere these days. It’s hard not too. That said too, lets all err on the side of caution. Don’t get ill at the weekend! Bubble wrap yourselves between Friday night and Monday morning. Yes, I know it will make sex ‘almost’ impossible, but isn’t it better to be safe than sorry?

YOU’RE NOT GOOD ENOUGH FOR MY DAUGHTER!

Nymphaea cultivar. 'Pamela'. Royal Botanic Gar...

Nymphaea cultivar. ‘Pamela’. Royal Botanic Garden Edinburgh: Accession number 1995.1355 ACategory:Royal Botanic Garden Edinburgh plants with link to Collection Database (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

According to US researchers, men with wider faces, which are linked to higher levels of testosterone, are more aggressive, less trustworthy, and more prone to engaging in deception, and evoke selfish behaviour from those around them. But what about wide asses? Is being ‘broad at the beam’ an indication of greed?

Pamela, my girlfriend Julie’s mother collared me in her kitchen. “David,” she said, “You’re not good enough for my daughter. I think she can do better than you…so I want you to do the decent thing and leave her alone!” I was a little shocked, but I didn’t panic…I mean it wasn’t as if that was the first time I’d heard that. “Pamela,” I replied, “I absolutely agree with you. I’m not good enough for Julie, but I don’t want to drag her down to my level…I want to drag myself up to her level!” Two days later I found myself in bed with Pamela. She was right after all!