JOHNNY EATWELL.

Barbed wire Deutsch: Stacheldraht

Barbed wire Deutsch: Stacheldraht (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

My name is Johnny Eatwell and I am a professional food taster to the rich and powerful, who on their journeys to the top have acquired enemies who would wish to do them harm. But who are my clients? Middle Eastern potentates, South American Presidents, African dictators, Asian gangsters, Western diplomats and high-ranking politicians. Sure they wear Miguel Caballero bullet-proof clothing and Kevlar underpants, travel in armoured limousines surrounded by bodyguards, live in splendour behind gated walls, further protected by motion sensitive infra-red cameras, ground-based motion detectors, killer dogs and armed guards, BUT the weakest part of any security will always be FOOD, and Man cannot eat bread alone, right?

Johnny Eatwell is armed with an asbestos-lined stomach, ceramic-coated teeth and possesses a dog-sensitive nose. He is paid fortunes, flown across the globe in private jets and generally treated like an Emperor…an Emperor of food. Clients don’t eat until I have eaten from their plates. My most recent client lives in Dubai and for security purposes shall remain nameless, which is just as well,  for his name is so bloody long I find it difficult to pronounce. By the time I had finished tasting the gentleman’s grub, all that was left on the plate was a single sheep’s eye and a mangy leg of mutton with teeth marks in it. My name is Johnny Eatwell and I am the greatest food taster in the world. Should you wish to avail yourself of my services, get in touch via this website and we can meat…fish or pastry. Honestly, I’ll eat anything!

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EVERY HOME SHOULD HAVE ONE…A BULLET-PROOF ‘COUCH’!

Bulletproof

Bulletproof (Photo credit: jillmotts)

Manufacturer Charles Alan Inc., in Fort  Worth, Texas, US, will build your bespoke fire-rated, weapon-storage couch to order. ‘CouchBunker’, a couch that can store up to 30 rifles and with bullet-proof cushions that can stop a .44 Magnum bullet at point blank range is now available in America. The cushions, fitted with straps, can be worn as armour when on the move. Presumably this is when you are the victim of a home invasion? Still not convinced, well, the 900lbs CouchBunker is available in a range of  colours and materials to match soft furnishings and curtains for a mere $6,700.

If you already drive a bullet-proof car, wear bullet-proof clothing and Kevlar underwear, why not buy yourself a bullet-proof couch? No home should be without one…or a panic room! On the other hand, have you thought about making more friends than enemies?

HAVE YOU THOUGHT ABOUT BUYING A ‘BOMB-PROOF’ BACKPACK?

English: Voltaic Systems Backpack

English: Voltaic Systems Backpack (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

ISRAELI designer Hila Raam, 27, has designed what she believes is a ‘ground-breaking  product with significant potential’…a lightweight BOMB-PROOF BACKPACK that can shield the wearer from a bomb blast. However, the reason it only weighs 5lbs, is because there isn’t ENOUGH OF IT to protect all your vital organs and limbs. So in the event of a terror strike, only ‘parts ‘of you will survive…but which parts? WHAT ABOUT ME KNACKERS?

Wearers simply have to pull the side straps on the bag and yellow strings from the hood if they hear an air-raid siren, and lie flat on the floor. Yes, but WHAT ABOUT ME KNACKERS?

The backpack, which costs around £300, will then fully protect the brain, heart, liver and kidneys from the impact and fallout of an explosion, with 19-layer Kevlar fabric at its core. Yes, but WHAT ABOUT ME KNACKERS?

Miss Raam said: ‘This bag pack is no ordinary bag…it can save lives. It is easy to use in real situation’. F**k your lives…WHAT ABOUT ME KNACKERS?

 ‘I wanted to protect people while they were in open spaces and couldn’t find shelter in a limited time frame. This happens a lot…I discovered that during an attack, 60 per cent of people don’t get to shelter and are forced to lie on the ground and hope they’ll be safe. I aimed to create a product that will  always be with you and is part of your  daily routine, so if there is a real  situation it will be ready to use. The main goal was that it shouldn’t look like protective gear but an ordinary bag.’

Yes, but WHAT ABOUT…oh never mind!

HAVE YOU THOUGHT OF BUYING BULLETPROOF CLOTHING?

.45 ACP Federal HST 230gr hollow point cartrid...

.45 ACP Federal HST 230gr hollow point cartridge, with two rounds of CCI Standard Velocity .22LR for comparison purposes. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Well it’s all the rage these days! Heads of state including US President Barak Obama wouldn’t be caught dead in certain parts of the uncivilized world without a suit of clothing that can stop a high velocity bullet. A Kevlar infused bespoke outfit from Bogotá based Miguel Caballero clothing for men, women and children can withstand ammunition from weapons including 9mm, .44 Magnum, .40 S&W, .45 ACP, .50 AE, 5.56, 7.62 mm NATO, 6.8mm SPC and a .50 calibre round,  although I’m not so certain the clothing line could withstand a shell from a Chinese/Russian made bazooka? Naturally Caballero clothing costs a small fortune, but what better way of protecting a big fortune than spending a small fortune to protect it? But before you go out and max your credit card, be certain you have deadly enemies who would wish to do you deadly harm! I suppose an embittered ex-wife/husband might be considered in certain circles a deadly enemy? And for goodness sake, do watch your weight, for should you balloon, it must cost a further fortune to let out a jacket and a pair of trousers! With an outfit costing upwards of $20,000 (minus the shirt), my finances will only stretch to a pair of bespoke bulletproof underpants. I say…protect the crown jewels at all costs!

Now that the ‘Holy See’…’Bishop of Rome’…Pope Francis has established a papal commission to investigate the activities of the Institute for the Works of Religion…Vatican Bank to you and me, causing the Pope’s anti money laundering campaign to ruffle the feathers of  southern Italy’s Calabria mafia, known as ‘Ndrangheta, now might be a good time for God’s messenger on Earth to put in for a new suit of clothing, preferably bulletproof clothing!

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