THE ‘DOGGING’ OLYMPICS!

 

no sex here

After exhaustive research, according to new data released under the Freedom of Information act, leafy Elmbridge in Surrey, home to exclusive commuter villages like Claygate, Esher, Oxshott, Weybridge and Cobham, is the dogging capital of the UK. Famous residents include footballer Peter Crouch, Rolling Stone Ronnie Wood and tennis player Andy Murray, none of who dog. One can only presume there is something in the Surrey air that encourages people to engage in open-air acts of a sexual nature?

According to the Daily Mail, the special mobile Surrey Police Dogging Patrol have identified at least 10 areas, from car-parks to secluded woodland nooks, where strangers watch each other have sex, in contrast to much maligned Norfolk that has just six dogging areas. Many complaints have been lodged, many by women walking their dogs alone and from parents who don’t want to take their children anywhere near that kind of environment. Never mind, for once Emlbridge woodland and heathland is bulldozed to make way for essential cheap housing, dogging will no doubt be confined to the dustbin…areas!

Let us not forget, dogging is not illegal, but only a criminal offence if it causes ‘alarm or distress’ to others. My advice for what its worth is, if you happen across a couple performing lewd acts of a sexual nature in public, shut your eyes! Alternatively you could always video the act and later upload it onto YouTube! Personally I’ve never had a yen to dog, preferring to conduct my acts of sexual depravity in the comfort and privacy of my private abode. In other words, I don’t much fancy a squirrel mistaking my nuts for its nuts! Furthermore it is worth noting, unlike ‘traditional’ athletes, currently there is no state sponsorship for amateur doggers. However this might change if an application is ever submitted to the IOC (International Olympic Committee) to include dogging in the 2020 Tokyo Summer Olympics!

LUST AIN’T LOVE!

English: Harrods Department Store as viewed fr...

English: Harrods Department Store as viewed from the north-east along Brompton Road, in London, England. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Last week I popped into London to do a wee bit of Christmas shopping. Having brought myself a shirt at Harrods department store in Knightsbridge…a shirt I probably won’t be able to get into come February…I stopped off at one of the many restaurants for a coffee and a piece of cake. Getting up to leave, I spotted Samantha, a lady a hadn’t clapped eyes on for eleven whole years. She had two young children in tow. The back story! Samantha and I had spent six wonderful weeks together in the summer of 2004. It had been lust at first sight for both of us. Samantha’s then followed her parents abroad and I never heard from her again, until that was I spotted her in Harrods queuing for refreshments. Having introduced me to her children as an old friend, we briefly exchanged pleasantries. It wasn’t until this morning that I put my hand in my coat pocket to retrieve a lighter. Someone had slipped a business card in it! Samantha Wordsworth, ‘Interior designer’. I won’t be phoning her. The past is another country, is it not? I’m happy to be left with my memories, pleasant memories I shall take to my grave!

OH FELLATIO…FELLATIO, WHEREFORE ART THOU FELLATIO?

Fellatio

Fellatio (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

A while back I read a most excellent article in The Telegraph online. Rebecca Holman writes about the growing trend for women to attend oral sex master-classes run by one Master Dominic at the Coco de Mer (female nut) salon somewhere in East London. For £70 a session you learn how to give your partner a monster blow-job. Obviously real cocks are conspicuous by their absence. Attendees must make do with ice lollies. Still, the ‘dribble’ must be quite realistic. So if you intend popping along, do remember to rub Vaseline onto your lips. Although it is never to late to learn the subtleties of Fidelio…sorry, that should read…FELLATIO, (Fidelio is a hotel computer software programme), I see no point in doing it if your beloved has already flown the coop!

From the male perspective, of all the blow jobs I have received, only two stand out as memorable, and neither of them were recent. Grabbing hold of my weapon of mass destruction, lovely Nora almost sucked the very life out of me, then again, she didn’t have her teeth in at the time. Then there was gorgeous gum-chewing Anna. Now she did have her teeth in, but unfortunately she left my ‘member’ with nasty teeth marks, resulting in skin discolouration. Not so much Fifty Shades of Grey, but Fifty Shades of Black & Blue. Even more unfortunately, at the time I was cheating on my girlfriend Melanie. Obviously that relationship was doomed!

Update!

In a blow to oral sex, according to online health clinic Euroclinix, blow jobs are ‘expected to overtake smoking’ as the main cause of mouth cancer, with HPV virus currently accounting for 25% of all mouth cancers globally, and 35% of throat cancers.

*I’ve attempted to deal with the above subject in the best possible taste. I do hope I haven’t offended anyone!

PLEASE SIR, CAN I HAVE SOME MORE CHIPS (FRIES)!

English: Recycling Português: Reciclagem

English: Recycling Português: Reciclagem (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

‘The Waste and Resources Action Programme’ (a £30million-a-year UNELECTED quango paid for with TAXPAYERS money) was set up to encourage more recycling. It has now come out and suggested that we should all get used to eating smaller portions of CHIPS/FRIES. I say F**K RIGHT OFF! Don’t tell me how many chips I should have on my plate you c**ts!

Apparently hunger and obesity is at crisis level. Tell me about it, I’m both obese AND hungry! On the subject of RECYCLING…we recycle cars, tyres, plastics, cans and house bricks. How come I’ve never heard of anyone recycling cycles? Hmm, I can smell another conspiracy!

ENGLISH SWEAR WORD ENTERS GERMAN DICTIONARY!

Oxford English Dictionary

Oxford English Dictionary (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Well that’s going to cause a shitstorm! Oh, the swear word is ‘SHITSTORM’. Anyway, its been included in Germany’s equivalent of the Oxford English Dictionary after being voted the ‘Anglicism of the year’ in 2012 with a jury saying: ‘shitstorm’ fills a gap in the German vocabulary when established German words, including ‘Kritik’, meaning criticism, were not descriptive enough.

The word appears to have gained appeal in Germany during the financial crisis. However, language purists in Germany fear the amount of anglicisms creeping their way into everyday vocabulary. For example, last month Germany’s rail operator Deutsche Bahn launched a campaign to roll back the use of English, issuing staff a booklet of more than 2,000 German phrases that should be use instead of the corresponding Anglicism. Germany’s loss! What they need 2,000 phrases to say, we Brits can say in 100. I understand France too is rolling back the use of English, but not I hasten to add the hundreds-of-thousands of French hommes and femmes who have migrated over to London in the last few years, nor probably the French MP for their ‘Paris-on-the-Thames ward! 37-year old mother-of-two, former lawyer Axelle Lemaire, a Socialist, has become France’s first ever MP for compatriots living in Britain, and I bet she swears like a trooper!F**k me,” she must shout when entering a London restaurant. “Call this SERVICE…why I can get way worse in Paris!”

THE UNITED STATES OF FOOD!

Construction at Mount Rushmore of George Washi...

Construction at Mount Rushmore of George Washington’s likeness. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Being a natural recluse, I rarely go anywhere. The furthest afield I’ve been from London is to Spain, and that was many years ago. I will get to America before I die. I’ve always wanted to visit amongst other places, New York, Yellowstone National Park, The Grand Canyon, Fort McHenry, Casa Grande Ruins, Mount Rushmore and of course Las Vegas, where I expect I would lose my shirt. However since following Adam Richman’s show ‘Man v. Food,’ I am even more determined to get over to the USA, hire a Harley and following ‘The Richman Trail.’ The food served in his show is just not available in London, and if it was, one couldn’t afford it.

WATER CANNON ‘VERBOTEN’!

Water cannon p1200847

Water cannon p1200847 (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Training secretly to use a German-made, custom-built Ziegler Wasserwerfer 9000 water cannon, British police are now ready, willing and able to disburse rioters if indeed there is a repeat of the 2011 summer riots. What’s the big deal? Why has there been a reluctance to use water cannon? Is it that water cannon is synonymous with a South American military junta? Is using H2O just NOT CRICKET? Ask yourself this, would a rioter prefer to get shot with a baton round or a Taser gun? If caught rioting, I guess you might be first warned: “WASSERWERFER’S GOING ON HERE!” Since both German and French utility companies control many of our water reservoirs, will there be an insistence that our police use only continental water in the cannon? If it is so, I can only presume that German water is HARDER water and packs more of a punch. Let’s hope that none of our fine British police officers catches cold or get their hair wet, for he or she will undoubtedly sue for compensation!

Breaking news! I’ve just been informed that the mousey British Government will insist all water cannons be fitted with a recognised water softener just in case anyone knocked unconscious decides to sue too! Furthermore, government spin doctors have suggested that if Wasserwerfer 9000 water cannons are deployed to quell spontaneous riots, police officers should hand out complimentary cakes of soap so that the tens of thousands of smelly homeless people can take a shower! Now that’s what I call a ‘caring government’!

Even more breaking news! Oh what a mighty f**k up! The Home Secretary, Theresa May has stated recently London Mayor Boris Johnson does not have government permission to deploy water cannon on the streets of London in the event of a riot. So that was £750,000 of London rate-payers money well spent then?

Yet even more breaking news! London Mayor ‘Bo’ Johnson is now considering spending more rate-payers money on long-range acoustic cannons in order to control any future rioters!? Surely the risk of permanent hearing loss and possible permanent, neurological damage resulting in huge multi-million pound compensation claims far out-ways any benefits in deploying the devices? I think ‘Bo’ Johnson should get permission from Home Secretary Teresa May before placing an order! I wonder though, do commercial, military-grade acoustic cannons come fully-loaded with sub-woofers and tweeters?

WHAT’S IN LONDON TRANSPORT’S ‘LOST PROPERTY’ OFFICE?

English: TfL lost property office on Baker Street

English: TfL lost property office on Baker Street (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Transport for London Lost Property Office is located in Baker Street, central London. You would be amazed what items have been left behind on buses, trains and in taxis. Why last year alone 246,241 items of belongings were handed in. In total there are more than 51,000 books, 12,000 umbrellas and 35,000 articles of clothing. There are also 29,000 valuables such as purses, wallets and cameras and cash, 5,000 pieces of jewellery, 27,000 phones, several computers, shopping trolleys, 11,000 sets of keys and even someone’s ashes. Boy there must be a hell of a lot of absent-minded people out there! Someone who once worked there mentioned a collection of over 300 dildos, 14 blow-up dolls and a trigger for a nuclear bomb that still had four years left to run on the warranty, but I think you can take that particular revelation with a pinch of…plutonium!

MY BEST MAN SPEECH!

English: abe lincoln

English: abe lincoln (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

THE FOLLOWING IS MY ‘BEST MAN’ SPEECH GIVEN IN FRONT OF 400 GUESTS AT A RATHER POSH COUNTRY HOTEL IN SUFFOLK.

“Ladies and gentlemen, girls and boys, free-loaders and affiliates of Al-Qaeda, I’ve known Darren for many years, indeed we used to go to the same school, where my friend was considered a model pupil, but not necessarily a WORKING model. As captain of the school soccer team Darren didn’t miss a single opportunity to score an own goal, own goals which he continued to score in later life. Darren started and busted several businesses by fair means and foul before being forced to enjoy a  SOJOURN from business matters at Her Majesty’s pleasure. But we shouldn’t be too hard on Darren’s business acumen, after all, even Abe Lincoln went bankrupt before going on to become President of The United States of America. Darren become president too, of ‘Strangeways’ Prison chess club, that was of course until he became ‘house bitch’ for the leader of a tattooed motorcycle gang leader incarcerated for drug offences.

Many years passed during which I had no contact with my former school pal. Then one day we bumped into one-another at of all places a West London VENEREAL DISEASE clinic. It was here that I introduced Darren to Amanda, his beautiful bride sitting to his right. Theirs was not so much a match made in heaven, as a match made in the STD clinic. As it turned out the two of them had a lot in common. They both took recreational drugs and both contracted the same strain of GONORRHOEA, which I suppose must have meant they moved in the same social circles. ‘Piccolo Mondo’. Indeed, what a small world it is! Anyway, having shared their antibiotics, they began dating, and the rest is history! So please, raise your glasses…I give you the BRIDE and GROOM!”

THE ROYAL BABY…THE WHOLE COUNTRY REMAINS OVERJOYED!

English: St Mary's Hospital, Paddington Seen f...

English: St Mary’s Hospital, Paddington Seen from Norfolk Place. After the station, Paddington is probably best known for this large teaching hospital which occupies a site between Praed Street and Paddington Basin. Its main claim to fame is Sir Alexander Fleming’s discovery of penicillin here in 1928; there is a small museum on site dedicated to his memory. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Really? Well I’m bloody well not! I hope the new Prince or Princess emerges from the royal womb happy and healthy, but that’s where I draw the line! I don’t buy into the royal family! Living a life of great wealth and privilege when the rest of us must struggle not to get evicted, really does leave a nasty taste in my mouth! In the private LINDO wing of St. Mary’s Hospital, Paddington, the expectant mother will in attendance, not one, but two gynaecologists with impeccable manners and perfectly manicured nails. Normal mothers must be satisfied with a one-eyed midwife with a pronounced limp, a hook where a hand should be and ‘NO HABLA INGLES as her first language! Sorry folks, there is no place for monarchy in the 21st century!

ROYAL BABY WATCHING!

English: A photograph of Prince William of Wal...

English: A photograph of Prince William of Wales and Catherine, the Duchess of Cambridge, waving from the balcony of Buckingham Palace after their wedding. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

During the baking hot summer of 2013, the world’s media impatiently waited outside the Lindo Wing of St Mary’s Hospital in London for the Duchess of Cambridge to give birth and quite frankly they became more than a wee bit bored. “God almighty,” a cameramen was heard to scream. “How long does it take to drop a sprog? They’re dropping like flies in India!” Clearly the man was neither a royalist or a gentleman! Spanish Carlo got the right royal finger!

After several days camping out in the metropolis, and at a cost of millions of pounds, dollars and euros, news media companies had nothing to show for their investments! Wouldn’t it have been great…the icing on the cake so to speak…if Catherine, the Duchess of Cambridge had exposed herself to the world’s Press and said, “Ladies and gentleman, I’m so awfully sorry, but it’s all been a false alarm. I’m not in fact pregnant, but I am suffering from TRAPPED WIND!”

Catherine did in fact give birth to a healthy baby boy on 22nd July 2013, and he weighed 8 pounds, 6 ounces. There was much speculation in the Press as to the name of the future possible king of Angleterre. Personally I thought the names George, Sultan, Alexander, Genghis, Louis were well chosen. UP the royal family I say! Interpret that as you will!

UK ARMS FAIR…OR ANNIE GET YOUR GUN! (UPDATED)

 

English: United Arab Emirates F-16 Block 60 ta...

English: United Arab Emirates F-16 Block 60 taking off from Naval Air Station Joint Reserve Base Fort Worth (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

A week-long arms fair was held on Tuesday 10th of September 2013 at the ExCel (exhibition centre), Royal Victoria Dock, London, E16. If you were to go on their website, you will find no mention of the “Defence Security Equipment International” (DSEI) exhibition. Being that it will be a testosterone rich environment, I expect security was very tight!

The controversial event brought together 1,500 international exhibitors from more than 50 countries, including the United Arab Emirates, India, Russia and the United States. Nearly 30,000 people from the arms industry were expected to attend the fair, which was supported by the UK government’s Ministry of Defence and UK Trade & Investment (UKTI).

On display, and available to purchase in a wide range of colours were all manner of ‘big boys toys’, including rifles that shoot around corners, machine guns, grenade launchers, mortar rounds and ammunition, all-terrain armoured vehicles, and tanks that offer a buyer surprisingly good fuel consumption. Also available to purchase was a range of bullet-proof clothing that include khaki-coloured Kevlar underpants that guarantee to deflect a 50 calibre round. Discounts for arms were available, but only if a foreign agent could prove ‘beyond doubt’ that he represented a dictatorial regime that flouts human rights. Obviously further discounts were available for ‘bulk buys’ too. It goes without saying, thousands of glad-handing attendees experienced penile and clitoral erections! Lest we forget, without the c**ts of the world, we in the West would be buying and selling arms to each other, and where would be the profit in that?

UPDATED:

The organisers of the arms fair, the secretive ‘Kill You Slowly’ Group were accused of failing to crack down on the sale of equipment that could be used in torture after two exhibitors were found to be illegally marketing shackles and stun weapons. French firm MagForce International and Chinese company Tian Jin MyWay International Trading were offering for sale leg irons and electric batons in their catalogues. No doubt the offer was ‘Buy one…get one free.

UPDATED:

The US, the world’s largest arms dealer has joined more than 90 other nations in signing a treaty that regulates global arms trading. The treaty will not take effect until 50 nations ratify it, and what are the chances of that? Anyway, what the hell does regulate mean? You don’t sell weapons to countries with poor human rights records? That would exclude the whole of Africa, most of Asia and the Middle East! Who is left to sell weapons to…the Island of Jersey?

UPDATED:

The UK Government’s Business Secretary, Vince Cable had promised to review whether the law should be strengthened to ensure torture equipment is not advertised at arms fairs in the UK after the authorities chickened out in prosecuting last years French and Chinese exhibitors. “Leg irons and electric shock prods should only be available to purchase from reputable ‘S & M’ distributors,” said the Business Secretary.

Now! The British Government has approved the sale of £16 million of crowd-control and anti-riot equipment to countries which regimes were placed on its own human rights blacklist, thus putting commercial interests ahead of its human rights obligations and running the risk of failing to abide by its own export rules. Nigeria, Yemen, Egypt, Saudi Arabia, Pakistan, Hong Kong, Brunei, Bahrain, Colombia, Iraq, Afghanistan, Libya, Malaysia, Qatar and Russia are all Ministry of Defence customers with poor human rights records! Crowd-control and anti-riot equipment should be used to defend democracy, not bury it!!

LONDON…BORIS’S BIKES!

Boris Bikes, no sorry Ken Bikes...

Boris Bikes, no sorry Ken Bikes… (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Despite the fact that the official London cycle scheme is heavily subsidised through sponsorship, it still COSTS taxpayers (and I’m one of them) more than £11million a year. Interesting, when you consider Paris’s cycle scheme MAKES money. On the other hand, are comparisons fair? The Paris scheme has been running longer, and central Paris is much larger than central London, therefore it is conceivable that bikes will be rented for longer periods. With an £11million annual deficit, (each of Boris’s bikes costing £1,400 pa), it might well be cheaper to ferry tourists around my TAXI!

Meanwhile, Barclay’s Bank have pulled out of sponsoring the scheme. Spanish bank Santander beat off stiff competition from both PornHub and ISIS in a sponsorship deal worth £7 million a year. So the next time you see a ‘red’ Boris bike, you might be forgiven for thinking it is promoting Communist China!

DOCTOR WHO VERSUS THUNDERBIRDS!

Jeff Tracy in Thunderbirds

Jeff Tracy in Thunderbirds (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Apparently Heathrow Airport only has two useable runways. The third is a cross-wind runway, and seldom used. I didn’t know that! Mind you, there’s a lot I don’t know. This is why there is such a strong campaign to build a fourth runway. Due to increased air traffic, without a fourth runway we will be in danger of losing business to another major European hub. It is said that currently too many jets circle the airport for up to forty-five minutes whilst waiting for a landing slot.

As an alternative to building a fourth runway at a cost of approx. £20 billion, the Mayor for London Boris Johnson has proposed the building of a brand new £70 billion airport on an island in the Thames estuary, which would be shared with the THUNDERBIRDS ORGANISATION. Only Thunderbirds 1-3 would actually be operational from the new Tracy Island airport and hotel complex. In an exclusive Daily Mail interview with the CEO of the T-BIRD Organisation, Marionette puppet Jeff Tracy stated: “I have yet to decide on the proposal, but let me assure you, I will not bow to political pressure. I have yet to discuss the matter with my sons Scott, Virgil, Alan and Gordon. As you know, John mans the space station, but whatever the outcome, do tell your readers that NO ONE PULLS MY STRINGS!”  Thunderbirds are definitely GO!

I was talking to my friend Jenny the other day about who she thought was the best ever Doctor Who. Jenny cast her vote for David Tennant, whereas I cast my vote for Matt Smith! Then I said, “Since becoming an adult, I don’t really watch it anymore. Doctor Who is after all made for young teenagers.” Jenny 23, took offence!  “For intelligent plotlines,” I said, “You can’t do any better than Thunderbirds!” You know folks I was always suspicious that Alan Tracy manned the space station due to the fact he was a practicing homosexual, and for that reason alone his father wished to keep him out of the public eye. Why Alan was never even allowed down to earth for his birthday! What do you mean, you never figured Alan for a homo? What, a blue-eyed blond, mincing from one side of the space station to the other? You must have been at least a little suspicious about the puppet’s sexual orientation? Not that I paid much attention to Alan’s life choice. I was much more interested in getting into Lady Penelope’s panties! What a f**king gorgeous piece of wood! What boy, or man for that matter didn’t want to poke her with their sticks? Even lesbians wanted in on her! I’ve had a few wooden f**ks in my life, but I bet Lady Penelope wouldn’t be one of them! Of course I doubt she aged gracefully. By now the upmarket broad must have put on a bit of extra timber and be riddled with arthritis and wood worm! You know what folks, there is no price you can put on loyalty. Even now I would jump at the chance to Creosote the broad. I wouldn’t even ask for a blowjob!

I GUESS I’M A MALE CHAUVINIST PIGGY!

pig

The key to any successful long-term relationship is undoubtedly compromise. Unfortunately I am so stuck in my ways, I find it impossible to do it! Thus finding myself unable to compromise, I leave it to my better half to compromise for both of us. To find a woman so malleable is not easy. I found my Sandra tending sheep on a hilltop in the Outer Hebrides. ‘Come,’ I said. ‘Come with me to London where you can cook and clean for me and cut my toenails. In return I will appreciate you!’

All joking aside, of course I have ‘inner beauty’, but it’s way down deep!