MARKS & SPENCER IS DOOMED!

English: Logo of Marks & Spencer

English: Logo of Marks & Spencer (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Retailer ‘M & S’ has been in decline for years. The board of directors can’t blame high street competition nor Internet sales. They sell too many lines, and their clothing is too expensive, despite the fact that much of it is produced abroad. Over the last twenty years, once loyal customers have deserted the store chain in droves. Anyone in business will tell you that re-attracting an old customer is almost IMPOSSIBLE. The YOUTH market has to a large extent been ignored by M & S, and it is youth who spend the most money on clothing. Top Shop is considered TRENDY, Marks & Spencer is not. Now M & S is selling men’s overcoats for £600 and suits for £800. Oh sure, these lines will do well in their Oxford Street flagship store, but nowhere else. When I was a kid, one of the trendiest places for fashion was Harrods ‘Way In’ boutique. Why hasn’t M & S ever emulated it? It is only a matter of time before the company is swallowed up by a faceless private equity firm, or an Arab Sovereign fund. This is what happens when there is no one left on the board representing the original Jewish founders. Shame, shame, shame!

Marks & Spencer is doomed! The company spends millions of pounds on celebrity-backed television advertising which does not convert into the massive sales. Before a Top Shop makeover by Phillip Green, before Next, before Primark, before ASOS, before the Internet M & S had the high street to themselves, but no longer. If you are not considered trendy, you had better be cheap. As I have said, Marks & Spencer is not, far from it!

UNIVERSITIES SEX SEGREGATION BY RADICAL PREACHERS!

The Queens' Building at Queen Mary, University...

The Queens’ Building at Queen Mary, University of London (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

UK Prime Minister David Cameron has hit out at universities who segregate men and women during lectures with from Muslim and other ultra-orthodox scholars…Jews in fact! Nine thousand people have already signed a petition condemning sexual apartheid. Even Shadow business secretary Chuka Umunna has chucked his hat into the ring, condemning the practice. Research by Student Rights, a group which aims to prevent extremism at universities, said that over the year to March 2013, 46 events at 21 separate institutions were found to have either explicitly promoted segregation by gender or implied that this would be the case.

Women attending an seminar at Queen Mary University were also forced to walk through a ‘sisters only’ entrance before taking their seats at the event which was held by the university’s Islamic society. The event forced female attendees to write down their questions for Ustadh Abu Abdillah, while male students raised their hands to be addressed by the speaker. Female students at the University of Leicester were forced to sit rows behind  male peers at a similar seminar.

But why are men and women seated separately? What is this religious doctrine all about?  Well my friends…and feel free to correct me if you think I’m wrong… ultra-orthodox Muslims and Jews consider women dirty creatures because they regularly menstruate. These backward, primitive men seem to forget, they too emerged from a womb covered in placenta blood! This kind of thinking has no place in the twenty-first century! If certain orthodox thinking wasn’t so cretinous it would be laughable! Blood after all is the stuff of life! Let’s not forget, in some societies, Hinduism for example, women are elevated to the status of Gods!

‘SIGNING’ FOR THE DEAF AT MANDELA MEMORIAL. I SHOULDN’T REALLY LAUGH!

South African Sign Language fingerspelling alp...

South African Sign Language fingerspelling alphabet (SASL manual letters A-Z) (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

South Africa’s deaf federation has claimed that an interpreter using sign language on stage during the Mandela memorial at Johannesburg’s FNB Stadium was a “fake”. According to Bruno Druchen (hard of hearing), national director of the Deaf Federation of South Africa, the unidentified man “was moving his hands around but there was no meaning in what he used his hands for”. South African parliament member Wilma Newhoudt (hard of hearing), also said the man communicated nothing with his hand and arm movements. Three sign language experts said the man was not signing in South African or American sign languages, or in fact in any known sign language. Nicole Du Toit, an official sign language interpreter, said the man on stage was an “embarrassment“. She said: “Only he can understand those gestures.” Delphin Hlungwane, an official South African sign language interpreter with DeafSA, said, “There was zero percent accuracy. He couldn’t even get the basics right. He couldn’t even say thank you.” Perhaps he signed in a little known dialect, known only by him? Seriously though, why do I find that funny? Perhaps it was the chutzpah of the man? He took the fee of $85:00 and worried about the signing later!

Alleged bogus signer, Thamsanqa Jantjie, 34, who claims to suffer from schizophrenia, said that his hallucinations began while he was interpreting and that he tried not to panic because there were ‘armed policemen around me.’ Oh pull the other leg!

‘PSYCHO’ SOUTHEND GUESTHOUSE IS OPEN FOR BUSINESS!

Southend Cliff Railway The old cliff lift on S...

Southend Cliff Railway The old cliff lift on Southend seafront, a funicular railway (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

DEATH BECOMES YOU! A hen party appalled by a foul stench at  their seaside guest house discovered it was coming from a DECOMPOSING CORPSE in the room next door! Friends of the bride-to-be told how she spent her hen night vomiting due to the ‘disgusting’ smell at Benson’s Guest House in Southend-on-Sea in Essex last Friday.

The girls, who described flies buzzing around at the Victorian building, told how a cleaner discovered a man’s body in the neighbouring room the following morning…and said it is thought he could have  been lying there for days. Workshy bastard!

The guest house investigated after the girls complained about the smell spoiling their party, but because the room next door was let to a permanent tenant staff said they could not enter without  permission. It wasn’t until the cleaner went in the  following morning that the source of the stench was discovered.

The Victorian guest house, described on its website as a ‘home-from-home’ ideal for a holiday, business trip or short break at the beach, declined to comment when contacted by MailOnline. Furthermore, the offer on the table from BEST WESTERN HOTELS has been withdrawn!

FIRST CONTACT!

最“萌”机器人 太空中陪伴宇航员(图)

最“萌”机器人 太空中陪伴宇航员(图) (Photo credit: 禁书网中国禁闻)

KIROBO, a knee-high talking state-of-the-art ROBOT has blasted off from the Tanegashima Space Centre in Japan, bound for the International Space Station. The robot’s function is to assist the astronauts, which include two Russians, two Americans and one Latvian . I’m reliably informed that the ISS is located somewhere in outer space, but I’m afraid I’m not at liberty to reveal the exact zip code.

The Japanese-speaking robot, equipped with voice and facial recognition technology, is capable of mirroring human emotions. KIROBO’s primary function in the ISS is to keep the astronauts spirits raised and to stop them getting lonely. I just hope the robot hasn’t been raised to suck anyone off, because that WOULD leave a nasty taste in my mouth, and probably the robot’s!

In the event KIROBO is first to make first contact with an extra-terrestrial, it is more than capable to convincing said alien that humans wish for peace and follow the path of logic. Yes, that’s right, for unlike ‘DATA,’ KIROBO CAN tell a lie. Why, just half an hour with the ISS general factotum and any alien will be speaking the robot’s language. “I’m turning Japanese, I think I’m turning Japanese, I really think so. Turning Japanese, I think I’m turning Japanese, I really think so!”