The key to any successful long-term relationship is undoubtedly compromise. Unfortunately I am so stuck in my ways, I find it impossible to do it! Thus finding myself unable to compromise, I leave it to my better half to compromise for both of us. To find a woman so malleable is not easy. I found my Sandra tending sheep on a hilltop in the Outer Hebrides. ‘Come,’ I said. ‘Come with me to London where you can cook and clean for me and cut my toenails. In return I will appreciate you!’

All joking aside, of course I have ‘inner beauty’, but it’s way down deep!




Love Can Seriously Damage Your Health

Love Can Seriously Damage Your Health (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

1) Making with the LURVE is good for your heart…unless you have a pre-existing heart condition, in which case it’s SAYONARA!

2) Making love will help you shed a few pounds…particularly if you’re PAYING for it!

3) Making love can relieve STRESS…unless of course you’re into ‘S & M’ and your sexual partner leave you bleeding and shackled to the bedstead while he/she goes for a pizza!

4) Making love can send you to SLEEP…often in the middle of it!

5) Making love stops you getting SICK by boosting the immune system…unless of course you’re in bed with the WRONG partner who actually makes you sick!

6) Making love is good for you self-esteem…unless you’re a PREMATURE EJACULATOR!


English: Fish and chips traditionally wrapped ...

English: Fish and chips traditionally wrapped in white paper (for hygiene) and then newspaper; frequently eaten with tartar sauce and ketchup; Stromness, Orkney. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

I went to court this morning to lend support to my friend Michael who had been arrested for battering his wife Julie. Giving evidence, he said, “It was a sex game that went wrong, that’s all. Julie insisted, that since our marriage had gone a bit stale…we should spice it up! Although it fell to me to initiate it…it was she who mentioned FOOD! So I covered Julie in a mixture of eggs, milk, breadcrumbs and some paprika. How was I to know the batter would harden, causing Julie to fall over and break a leg?” I left immediately after Michael had given evidence in order to purchase some fish & chips.


Armed Predator drone firing Hellfire missile

Armed Predator drone firing Hellfire missile (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Forever Scorned

Forever Scorned (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Ex-girlfriend Julie turned on me to an extent you would not believe. I never promised her marriage or children, nonetheless, she cut up my clothes, trashed my flat, destroyed my sound system and computer, damaged my car, put chilly powder in my unused condoms, and even threatened to put an axe in my head. I went to the police but there was little that they could do bar warning the woman off. Unfortunately that didn’t work. Needless to say, my career suffered, as did my health.

It is true, it IS always darkest before the dawn! In fact it was just after dawn broke that I met up with old school chum Mat, to whom I poured my heart out. Having just survived a messy break-up himself, he understood my predicament only too well. A computer genius, he worked as a civilian contractor at NATO headquarters in Northwood, Middlesex.

‘David,’ Mat said, ‘I believe I’m in a position to help you, but it will cost you!’

‘Mat,’ I replied, ‘money is no object where the banishment of EVIL is concerned.’

‘Well all I need is a description of your nemesis together with her full postal address.’ This I happily gave him. ‘But Mat, what are you going to do?’

‘Precisely what I did to MY ex…re-programme an ARMED, unmanned Raptor drone to bomb the f**k out of Witchy Poo!’

‘Really? How fantastic! But Mat…this Raptor, what’s it going to fire?’

‘A HELLFIRE missile.’

‘Err just the one?’ Do you know what, the man was as good as his word.


List of Star Wars air, aquatic, and ground veh...

List of Star Wars air, aquatic, and ground vehicles (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Jedi, Druid and Pagan weddings could be made legal across Britain under proposals from MPs. A group of MPs want to amend the same-sex marriage bill to allow humanist weddings for couples. But Tories say that such a change would ‘dilute’ marriage by allowing other sects, such as Jedis to claim the same powers. I say HOORAH! What the f**k does it matter who marries who? The divorce rate for NORMAL heterosexual couples now stands at 50% anyway. Two Jedis marrying under a guard of honour, all wielding light sabers…FAB!