I’VE INVENTED A NEW VIDEO GAME!

emblem of the Papacy: Triple tiara and keys Fr...

emblem of the Papacy: Triple tiara and keys Français : emblème pontifical Italiano: emblema del Papato Português: Emblema papal. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

You must have heard of ‘Aliens v Predators,’ well my new video game is called ‘MUSLIMS versus CHRISTIANS versus JEWS,’ and it is designed to promote cross-cultural ‘peace & harmony’ to the 3 most powerful, wealthy and dare I say, the most publicity shy (ahem) religious groups in the world. I suspect it will be an instant hit.

The purpose of the video game, which involves 12 levels of difficulty, is to capture the Vatican, Jerusalem and Mecca, no, not the Mecca Ballroom or the Mecca Bingo Hall, but the other one, in Saudi Arabia where once a year people die in something akin to the Calgary Stampede. In my game historical figures may use both ancient and modern weapons. For example, Pope Pius IV, using his sceptre, has a fight to the death with staff-wielding Moses the First, always assuming he finds his way out of the desert. Meanwhile the Chief Rabbi remains at the helm of the Starship Enterprise. Before photon torpedoing the ass out of the city of Mecca, Capitaine Rabbi beams a SatNav down to Moses on account Pope Pius is dying from boredom. There is even a joint strike force of 10,000 men and women representing the Inca, Mayan & Aztec nations who attack the Vatican City with the power of the Crystal Skull in revenge for the Catholics wiping out their civilizations. Hell I’m even thinking of having a brigade of surf-boarding Rabbis heading for the Syrian coastline wielding Uzi sub-machine guns. Using the power of Osiris’s Eye, the Egyptians fire on the Enterprise. I’ve thought long and hard about the soundtrack to my new video game, and I’ve decided upon Abba’s ‘MONEY, MONEY, MONEY,‘  The Trammps’s ‘DISCO INFERNO’ (BURN BABY BURN, BURN THAT MOTHER DOWN),  Jennifer Rush’s ‘THE POWER OF LOVE,’ and The New Seekers ‘I’D LIKE TO TEACH THE WORLD TO SING.’

ONLINE ‘HALAL’ SEX SHOP!

English: Kaaba at the heart of Mecca. As the n...

English: Kaaba at the heart of Mecca. As the night goes on pilgrims visiting the Holy House. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Turkish entrepreneur Haluk Murat Demirel, 38, claims to have opened the first online sex shop for Muslims, selling everything from lubricants to herbal aphrodisiacs and offering advice on how to have “halal” sex. Apparently  www.bayan.helalsexshop.com, does not sell battery-operated devices, for they are not approved by Islam. Since the site’s launch last Tuesday it has received over 33,000 visitors. My question is this! What is Halal sex? How does it differ from Christian or Jewish sex? Presumably, neither party must face Mecca!