VOTE, VOTE VOTE BECAUSE YOUR VOTE ‘DOESN’T’ COUNT!

English: Logo of General Motors Corporation. S...

English: Logo of General Motors Corporation. Source: 2007_business_choice_bro_en.pdf (on GM website). (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Member of Parliament Richard Maurice ‘dash for cash’ Darling was being questions on live TV about allegations that he took CASH for QUESTIONS on SEVEN separate occasions, acting in effect for a lobbyist for private companies.

Rounding on the interviewer, he said, “Why don’t you get your bloody facts straight! I only took cash for questions four times. On the other three occasions I accepted a Harrods food hamper containing Champagne and truffles, a Mediterranean cruise and a shiny new motor car.”

The interviewer continued. “Apart from the fact what you did was illegal, what kind of message do you think your actions send out to your constituents?”

“F**k ’em!” Darling replied.

“I see. And now that you are no longer the DARLING of the Left, what is it that you intend doing for a living?”

Darling replied, “Why concentrate on my non-executive directorships of course.”

“And who might they be with?”

Darling replied. “The Qatar Investment Authority, Carnival Cruise Corporation and General Motors.”

“And finally,” the interviewer said, “Do you have any regrets, now that your political career is in ruins?”

“Oh yes…I should have asked more questions in the House!”

POLITICS…THE DIRTIEST GANE IN TOWN!

portcullis 3

Tory MP Richard Evans, 52 has been sent to Coventry (not his constituency) by all 646 MPs in the House of Commons for ‘conduct unbecoming a parliamentarian.’ What on earth was the man’s offence? Perhaps it was an unprovoked attack on another MP? Was Evans’s offence an alleged rape or murder? Oh no, it was something far, far worse, for in the seven years since Evans entered Parliament he had not once claimed expenses for a single item. No prawn & mayonnaise sandwich, no train fare, no hotel bill, no dry-cleaning, no photocopying, no whores, no mini-cabs, no air fares, no offsetting council tax, no TV licence!

“It is a betrayal of everything we hold dear,” said Barry Postilwaite, the real MP for Coventry and the Chairman of The Select Committee for Standards in Public Office. For Mr Evans NOT to take advantage of all the goodies on offer in the John Lewis catalogue is an act of gross misconduct, an act for which there is no coming back from. I have never been so ashamed of a fellow Parliamentarian in all my life! I mean for God sake, what kind of message does it send out to the rest of Society? Christ, the man won’t even eat in the subsidised restaurant. There is no place in The House of Commons for an honest man. This is indeed a black day for politics!”

MONEYGRABBERS!

English: David Cameron's picture on the 10 Dow...

English: David Cameron’s picture on the 10 Downing Street website (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Upon her death, retired nurse Joan Edwards, 91, left a bequest in her will of £520,000 to whichever GOVERNMENT was in office at the date of her death. Her bequest made no mention of a COALITION government, nor a POLITICAL party. Papers reveal that Ms Edwards expected the government of the day to use her large donation as it sees fit, but for the benefit of the COMMUNITY at large. There was no mention of the £520,00 to be used to swell the coffers of political party bank accounts!

In any event, the money was split between the parties of power based on the number of MPs and ministers they have, with the Conservatives getting £420,000, and the Lib Dems £100,000. Both parties put the windfalls down as a donation to their party, to be used for POLITICAL ENDS, and not for the benefit of the community. So, nothing for the Health Service or schools then?

Mounting pressure has been put on the Tories and the Lib Dems to return the cash to the NATION, or to the deceased’s estate. I have now been reliably informed that all the money has been passed on to the treasury in order to help reduce the nation’s indebtedness…oh, not in Sterling, but in the form of the digital currency BITCOIN! 

TOILET HUMOUR!

English: Ed Miliband, British politician

English: Ed Miliband, British politician (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Labour leader Ed ‘Gromit’ Miliband left his script in a House of Commons toilet. His two-and-a-half pages of typed crib sheets contained planned answers to tough questions about his association with the Unite union. Breaking news! It was no blunder. Miliband left his notes where they would do the most good!

Meanwhile Gromit is under pressure to curb union powers amid growing concerns about their attempts to secure more union-backed MPs in Westminster. First of all, Ed Miliband beat his brother David for the Labour leadership with the help of the union vote, and with their further help, he will no doubt become the next Prime Minister. Miliband will do nothing to curb union powers until after he is elected to power, and even then it is doubtful he will take them on!

COCAINE FOUND IN BRITISH PARLIAMENT BUILDING!

This image was selected as a picture of the we...

This image was selected as a picture of the week on the Malay Wikipedia for the 48th week, 2009. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Traces of COCAINE have been found in NINE toilets belonging to the British parliament. OUCH!! The traces were discovered by undercover reporters of The Sun, revealing widespread drugs use in the British Houses of Parliament. Could MPs be snorting coke? It seems likely! No wonder British parliamentarians want an 11% wage increase, which coincidentally happens to be in line with the percentage increase in the cost of their Columbian Marching powder! I had assumed PARLIAMENTARY COCAINE was in fact SUBSIDISED, along with MPs meals and booze. How wrong I was! Further evidence of coke was found outside Strangers’ Bar, in the House of Lords committee corridor and in Portcullis House. Are our REVERED politicians voting on laws that affect our everyday lives while off their faces on drugs or pissed as newts?

Quote from Reginald Crabtree, MP for the constituency of ‘Soggy Bottom’ in Leicestershire. “Cocaine…NONESENCE! It is merely DANDRUFF. Many of our members sit through the night, and don’t have time to wash their hair!”

I wonder what might be found in the European Union toilets?

THE GREATEST ‘BOYS CLUB’ IN THE WORLD!

English: The London House of Parliament

English: The London House of Parliament (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

The House of Commons isn’t for commoners, but for the elite. It has nineteen restaurants and nine bars; The Members’ Dining Room, The Strangers’ Dining Room, Churchill Grill Room, Members’ Tea Room, Pugin Room, Members Smoking Room, Strangers’ Bar….And then there are the ‘facilities’ in Portcullis House. The annual cost of feeding & watering Members of Parliament is nudging six million pounds a year, The House of Lords, over three million. All the food and drink is heavily subsidised by you and me. I too would like a malt whiskey for £2:55, a cordon bleu meal for £6:00 and a kilo of Columbian marching powder for less than the price of a pound of sugar! Is it any wonder that Westminster’s only colonic irrigation clinic offers MPs’ an ‘enema special.‘ I too would like a free £600 I-Pad and then go home to enjoy a hot bath in a free bathroom, make a sandwich in a free kitchen only to watch CSI Wolverhampton on my free smart TV. I would probably taken my MPs oath not on the King James Bible, but with my hand firmly grasping a copy of the John Lewis catalogue.

You might think that I have a hate on for our Right Honourable gentlemen and women. On the contrary. I was once asked to stand as am MP, but politely declined. I didn’t trust myself that I wouldn’t become an alcoholic, or through repeated grazing, would succumb to diabetes. I would have probably got so drunk that I’d lose my way in The Palace of Westminster and either turn up at the voting chamber late, or I’d be so drunk that I’d not understand what was being said and cast my vote for the wrong party. Maybe I’d have to run out half way through a debate because the foie gras I had earlier eaten was repeating on me. And being a member of The Greatest Boys’ Club in the World I would no doubt have found every excuse under the sun not to attend my constituency surgeries. As a long standing MP, I might have one day been elevated to The House Of Lords. Do you know what, I might never have paid full price for a meal or a drink in my entire public life.

I wonder what someone on £71:00 pw Job Seeker’s allowance thinks of all this? Are MPs to be trusted? Do they really serve their constituents, or are they self-serving? Are they in fact enemas of the people? Since I turned down the opportunity of serving my country, an extra stop has been added to the gravy train…Brussels. Isn’t it comforting to know that the British taxpayer is paying for not one Parliament, but for two. Sleep well my darlings, you have been well and truly screwed!

POLICE SEIZE DRUGS IN UK PARLIAMENT!

 

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According to a Freedom of Information request from the Huffington Post UK, police from the Met’s SO17 division have seized drugs just once in 2013 on the Parliamentary estate after someone was caught in possession of cannabis. Yeah, but it was 500 tonnes of the stuff! The rumour that the haul was grown on the premises has yet to be confirmed. I’m not sure however stamping each kilo of cannabis with a portcullis motif was such a clever idea! At this point I’m not prepared to believe any of the 649 sitting MPs were not involved in the manufacture and distribution of a Class ‘B’ drug! Coloradans will just have to find another supplier!

A FRIEND OF MINE IS AS THICK AS S**T.

Gaza strip may 2005

Gaza strip may 2005 (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

I met Roddy in a bar many years ago. He struck up a conversation at the end of which I quite naturally assumed someone had spiked his drinks with a secret ‘thickability’ drug. Harsh? You be the judge! Broaching the subject of the old Soviet Block, Roddy thought it had something to do with ‘Russian constipation.’ Now wait, it gets worse! Roddy thought that The Gaza Strip was a club where women of a certain sort went to take their clothes off, and that The Illuminati was a bespoke light-fitting shop off of Kensington High Street. THICK OR WHAT?

Thankfully Roddy found his niche. He became a Member of Parliament. Still is one.

MORE BAD NEWS FOR BRITISH MPs!

St Stephens Tower and Entrance, Palace of West...

St Stephens Tower and Entrance, Palace of Westminster, London (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

British Members of Parliament will no longer be able to claim expenses for taxi fares in Central London…unless they travel to and from the Palace of Westminster by RICKSHAW. Hoorah! Unfortunately for our ‘devoted’ MPs, most of the rickshaws in Central London are ridden by students and economic migrants, which means none of them know their left from their right!

NEW BRITISH MPs’ TO BE GIVEN LESSONS IN ‘HONESTY’!

Palace of Westminster.

Palace of Westminster. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

In an effort to restore public trust in our politicians, Members of Parliament must attend compulsory classes on how to avoid ‘traps’ that lead them to break ethical rules. These so-called ‘honesty classes’ will be organised by the chairman of the committee on standards in public life, just as soon as he returns from his round the world cruise organised by 37 grateful African nations. The purpose of the honest classes are to try to avoid future scandals like the ones involving MPs’ expenses. Good luck with that! Look, if you want to find out whether a newly elected member of parliament is bent or not, or has the potential of bending over backwards for a favour or two, or a wad of notes, why not force him or her to take a lie detector test followed by an injection of scopolamine? If the newly elected member for the constituency of Soggy Bottom succeeds in lying his way through all of that, then let him keep all of his ill-gotten gains. He’s earned them! Meanwhile, the ‘dishonesty’ classes for existing MPs will continue as usual in the Members Bar every Tuesday evening. Subjects include; Inflating expenses claims, networking for future jobs while still in office, how much to charge a lobbyist for your vote, how to get away with extra-marital affairs, how to get a discount on a professional shag, and how to get out of attending constituency surgeries.

In the meanwhile, an unnamed Conservative peer…let’s call him Lord Phaffal-Phaffal Pipic… is accused of allegedly claiming £300 (daily attendance expenses) for spending less than an hour in the House of Lords without taking part in any votes! Well, as one door shuts, another door opens, and in this case it was the back door marked ‘quick exit’.

BETTING MACHINES!

English: Betting shop, Formby Ladbrokes is a n...

English: Betting shop, Formby Ladbrokes is a national gambling company. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

The UK Gambling Commission announced that gamblers wagered a staggering £46billion on betting Fixed-odds machines/terminals last year. This represents nearly a 50% increase in four years. For those of you who live outside the UK, these machines are to be found in every betting shop, most pubs and high street betting arcades. Since one can rarely win, how the Gambling Commission can come out and say the machines are linked to the laundering of drugs money I do not know? Clearly they know more than me! Perhaps those individuals involved in the drug trade supply the machines? The machines are so profitable, bookmakers raked in profits of £1.55billion from the terminals between April 2012 and March 2013. Hang on a second! If punters spent £46billion, but bookmakers only made £1.55billion in profit, am I to believe…the difference, £44.45billion was paid out? Utter crap!! Even if you were to take off the cost of buying/leasing the terminals and maintenance contract, the figure still don’t compute!

Considered a menace to the high street, the subject of high stakes machine addiction is being raised in Parliament! Some MPs want to lower the stake values from £100 to £2, as does the Campaign for Fairer Gambling and the Stop the FOBTs (Fixed-Odds Betting Terminals) campaign. There are more than 33,000 of the machines in betting shops alone, which are limited to four per outlet. However, most high street betting chains have interests in casinos, in which there appears to be no limit on the number of machines. Let’s not forget, the government takes a big cut in the form of direct and indirect taxation! In the recent past it has been easier to open a betting shop than a fish & chop shop. I wonder why? Gambling, like many things in life can become addictive. How many of us gamble on the Internet? Temptations are everywhere. Few of us have the strength to live a life of moderation.

*Meanwhile, Betfred betting shop managers have been told their wages are to be directly linked to how much cash punters pour in to a new generation of high stakes gaming machines/fixed-odds betting terminals.

 

 

 

WHO BECOMES PRIME MINISTER IF DAVID CAMERON IS KILLED?

English: David Cameron, Prime Minister of the ...

English: David Cameron, Prime Minister of the United Kingdom and leader of the Conservative Party (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Interestingly, if the prime minister dies or becomes incapacitated there is no clear constitutional rule as to who takes over the government. This worries Tory MP Peter Bone, who has produced a Bill that sets out where cabinet ministers are in the pecking order. The backbencher’s Prime Minister (Replacement) Bill is due for second reading on Friday. It seeks to address the “lack of clear succession” should David Cameron be killed or become temporarily incapacitated and is unable to perform his duties.

In the present economic climate, and with our democratic rights being eroded on a regular basis, does it actually matter who takes over from David Cameron should he no longer be fit for purpose? As far as I am concerned, we wouldn’t be any worse off if you were to replace the entire cabinet with monkeys from London Zoo! If you happen to sneak a peek at Prime Minister’s question time on TV, you’ll know what I mean!

Regarding MPs well-documented drinking habits, and according to details released under the Freedom of Information Act, taxpayer-subsidised bars for MPs sold more than 65,000 alcoholic drinks last year. Parliament’s bars and restaurants – subsidised by more than £7 million – served at least 65,770 drinks between last November and this October. The top ten sellers in the Common’s Bar only were: Guest Ale (15,075), Beck’s Vier (9,504), Sauvignon Blanc (9,484), Merlot (7,085), Falernia sauvignon (5,729), Guinness (4,647), Peroni (4,318), House of Commons Merlot (3,494), Pinot gris (3,385), and Chardonnay (3,049).

Conservative MP Mark Reckless (how appropriate a name), a prominent Eurosceptic, apologised months after he was elected in 2010 for being too drunk to vote. That’s another thing…I do wonder how many MPs have been under the influence when voting on serious matters that affect our daily lives? I would rather an MP was too drunk to vote, than voted to change my life while drunk!

Ctrl+Alt+Delete…ONLINE VOTING!

English: A photo of John Bercow, Speaker of th...

English: A photo of John Bercow, Speaker of the House of Commons of the United Kingdom (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

A radical plan to allow Britons to vote in Parliamentary elections from 2020 using the internet is to be drawn up by the Commons Speaker, John Bercow, as part of a drive to bridge the divide between politicians and the public. What a fantastic…if not obvious idea, although how it is expected to bridge the divide between politicians and the public I do not know, after all, public respect for politicians is at an all time low? Voting online will certainly boost the number of eligible voters who actually bother to register their preferences. Voting online will also offer hackers the opportunity to bugger it up, if not, alter the results. If hackers can get around sophisticated firewalls and into defence department computers, it should be relatively easy to crack a computer system dedicated to a national election. Online voting would also offer a sitting government the opportunity to fix an election too. “2070, the Conservatives celebrate 50 ‘unbroken’ years in office…now if that isn’t a vote of public confidence, what is?”  Online voting…I think it is a question of ‘suck it and see’!

SYRIAN REBELS TO GIVE BACK GUNS AFTER WAR!

Map of the districts of Syria.

Map of the districts of Syria. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Someone in the British government is on drugs…that or he is still in school uniform!

Without losing sight of the tens of thousands of men, women and children that have already been slaughtered in Homs, Aleppo and the various other centres that the Assad regime is trying to re-control, just after MPs voted overwhelmingly in favour of a motion demanding that the Commons be given a vote BEFORE any arms are shipped to Syria, a GB government spokesperson has stated that we ‘shouldn’t worry’ that weapons delivered to the Syrian rebels would fall into the hands of extremists, as the Opposition movement has PROMISED to give any guns back after the civil war is over. Sure, just like they did in Libya! There, millions of rounds of ammo went missing, along with guns, and, oh…20,000 surface-to-air hand-held missiles. In Libya, it wasn’t so much as an arms fair, more of an arms smash & grab! Why will it be any different in Syria?

In truth, it would be nigh on impossible to track and trace weapons to stop them falling into the hands of extremists on the rebel side, despite Foreign Office minister Alistair Burt’s reassurance to MPs that the British government was not getting into bed with the extremist Islamist element within the anti-Assad forces. That’s easy for him to say…it’s not the British government that’s making the bed! “The Syrian National Coalition declared its commitment to democracy, ethnic and religious pluralism, and the rule of law, and it rejected discrimination and extremism.” Only time will tell!

By the way, a new front is opening in the Syrian civil war, which looks set to pitch rebel against revel, as confrontations between Western-backed groups (Free Syrian Army) and Islamic fundamentalist fighters ( allied with al-Qaeda) threaten to spiral out of control. So who actually will the West be arming?

*Thanks to pressure by Russian President Vladimir Putin, British Prime Minister David Cameron has since ditched plans to arm Syrian rebels. What a surprise…not! But what kind of pressure? “David dear boy, winter is approaching. You arms the Syrian rebels, and I’ll cut off Britain’s domestic gas supply!” Thanks Vlad!

FORMER LABOUR MINISTER TESSA JOWELL TO STAND IN 2016 LONDON MAYORAL RACE!

UK Secretary of States for Culture, Media and ...

UK Secretary of States for Culture, Media and Sport Tessa Jowell (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

That’s right, Dame Tessa Jane Jowell wants to be Mayor for London! But has the British Labour Party politician, Member of Parliament for Dulwich and West Norwood since 1992, formerly a member of both the Blair and Brown Cabinets…Shadow Minister for the Olympics and Shadow Minister for London until September 2012 got the right credentials? Presumably, yes! This month she announced that she intended to stand down as a constituency MP after the 2015 election, leaving her free to canvas full-time for the coveted London role! Sadly, despite her high-profile career she is neither widely liked or trusted. Jowell is another Westminster politician who has undergone ‘humour bypass’ surgery! I’m a firm believer that anyone who takes themselves so seriously must have a jalapeno chilly stuck in their ass! Jowell’s chances of becoming Mayor for London…slim to say the least!