MAN VERSUS CHURCH!

English: Professor . Español: Profesor Richard...

English: Professor . Español: Profesor Richard Dawkins. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Prominent UK atheist, Professor Richard Dawkins, FRS, FRSL, evolutionary biologist, and author, penned a column in the Washington Post and on his own website in 2010 in which he described Pope Benedict as “A leering old villain in a frock, who spent decades conspiring behind closed doors for the position he now holds.” He went on to describe the Catholic church as a “profiteering, women-fearing, guilt-goring, truth-hating, child-raping institution.” That may all be true, but at least they do it in the name of God! That must give Catholics some comfort…or not?

TRY KEEPING IT IN YOUR PANTS!

English: Titlepage and dedication from a 1612-...

English: Titlepage and dedication from a 1612-1613 King James Bible, printed by Robert Barker. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

One of my neighbours, John, has 14 children by five different women. The man hasn’t done a days work in his life. When I suggested that he was IRRESPONSIBLE and a DRAIN on the local economy, he whipped out a copy of the King James Bible and opened it at Genesis. “I’m part of the Replenishment Movement,” he said. “So I go forth and multiply,” which is exactly what the John suggested I do, but not quite so politely!

YOU SAY GOD EXISTS…I SAY HE DOES NOT!

English: Logo of the Church of England

English: Logo of the Church of England (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

If you had children, would you allow them to be put in harm’s way? Would you let them become drug addicts? Would you let them be butchered, gassed, murdered? Would you let them have their breasts cut off and their unborn babies cut from their wombs? Would you allow your children to become enslaved?

The pious amongst you claim we are all God’s children. If this is so then why would God allow his innocent children to be so harmed? If your Creator is omnipotent, why has He not lifted a finger to protect the weak and helpless from those who would wish to do them irreparable harm? Yes, yes, you claim that God follows a policy of non-interference, but that’s just crap! Would you not wish to protect YOUR investment? If your God exists and He is just, don’t you think He would want to confront those of us who would do others fatal harm while claiming to act in His name? Do you honestly think God would allow religious fraudsters to remain unpunished?

The answer is…there is no answer! You either believe that God exists, or you do not. I do not! Historically and now, evil men and women claim to act in God’s will, whereas in fact these people have only acted and presently act in their own selfish interests. The greatest lie ever told is that there is a creator. Organised religion is one of the biggest BUSINESSES in the world, and a virtually tax-free one at that. Presently, the Church of England (sitting on liquid assets of over £5BILLION) is scrabbling around endeavouring to register all the mineral rights beneath their thousands of properties by October 2013. Fracking is becoming big business! But what has any of this got to do with piety and Christian charity?

Karl Marx once said…”Die Religion…ist das Opium des Volkes”.  It’s true as far as I am concerned, although less so now than ever before with more and more people turning away from organised religion, yet some of those who still believe, have become so much more radical in their beliefs, and are using God and religion to turn the so-called civilised world upside down. I am afraid Religion is being misused as it always has been. I would love to know the name of the public relations GURU who first INVENTED God as a concept in order to control us. And places like heaven & hell…well, they are strictly for the birds! We are alone down here, and up there, it is just…space!

It is clear to me, as it has always been, that your so-called God cannot possibly exist. I am not a malicious person, nor is it my intention to trample on your abiding faith, but don’t expect to meet God in the next world, for the next world does not exist either.

DARLING, WHICH BIN AM I SUPPOSED TO PUT OUT THIS WEEK?

English: Panoramic photograph of Wandsworth Pr...

English: Panoramic photograph of Wandsworth Prison, stitched together (rather shoddily!) in Photoshop (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

I would like everyone to know that I have a wonderful relationship with my girlfriend Emma, and for any relationship to survive the passage of time, both parties must learn to compromise. Usually the only times Emma and I argue is over which bins to put out for the dustmen! Is it to be black & blue, or green & brown, or khaki and mauve, or puce & violet? ‘Emma,’ I’d shout, ‘every week the same old bloody argument! I’m sick of it! I’m putting out the khaki & mauve, and I’m putting them out early!’

‘No, don’t,’ she’d say. ‘Don’t dare put it out early. If the council find out you’ll get six months in Wandsworth Prison.’

‘Well,’ I replied, ‘you could make a day of it…bring your mother, and afterwards the two of you could go shopping at the Westfield’s Shopping Centre.’

In the end, I decided not to put out any of the eighty-nine bins the council provided me with, but instead I would burn all my rubbish in the back garden. Not thirty minutes after I set the fire a council jobsworth turned up in response to a complaint about smoke! You can’t bloody win.

THE LAST QUESTION I AM EVER GOING TO ASK!

Question mark

Question mark (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

When my time comes I hope I will go out with dignity. I can imagine myself lying on my death bed gasping for breath. If I had a final question to ask, what might it be?

  • Did I enjoy my life. Is my brain packed full of good memories?
  • Did I make the most of my life, or did I waste opportunities?
  • Did I harm anyone?
  • Am I well thought of, will people remember me with fondness?
  • Why do smokers never have a bloody lighter on them?

Yes, I know which question I will ask!

DAVID…YOU’VE PUT ON ‘SO’ MUCH WEIGHT!

Rabbi

Rabbi (Photo credit: Adib Roy)

I happened to bump into an old friend the other day. “My word,” he said, “David, you’ve put on so much weight since last I saw you!” “Thank you Rabbi,” I replied. “Its kind of you to point it out. Why if you hadn’t of brought it to my attention I might never have noticed it! Amazing isn’t it,” I continued, “and to think I once weighed in at a paltry 6 pounds!” Rabbi Levy said, “David, why do you think it is…that you’ve ballooned so?” I replied, “Rabbi, it’s not my fault! As soon as the nurse cut the cord I was introduced to the tit, and from the tit I went straight to solid food, and I haven’t stopped eating it ever since. It really is the perfect diet. Now you tell me Rabbi…did you ever recover from the SYPH?”

HOLY STOKE POGES, A NEW 850-PUPIL SIKH SECONDARY SCHOOL!

English: sikh civil right agenda

English: sikh civil right agenda (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Residents in the tranquil Buckinghamshire village, England are up in arms…and legs for that matter over plans to set up a new 850-pupil Sikh secondary school. If it is ever built, I have a great school motto for them; ‘SIKH AND YE SHALL FIND,’ knowledge that is!

WHEN DOES AN ATHIEST PAY LIP-SERVICE TO GOD?

English: Atheist avatar.

English: Atheist avatar. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

When DOES an atheist pay lip-service to God? Now that is a good question. I’m an atheist and I have on occasion been guilty of calling out The Lord’s name. I make no apologies for the fact that when I make love to a woman, the words ‘OH GOD’ often pass my lips. I once thought that I was going to die in a car accident. ‘Oh God, don’t let me die. Think about the loss to the human race!‘ It must be put down to shock and awe. I remember making the mistake of getting myself measured up for a bespoke suit of clothing. ‘How much did you say? Even God doesn’t charge that much to enter the Pearly Gates!’

‘HAPPY BIRTHDAY’ LYRICS FOR A FATTY LIKE ME!

English: Peking Duck, being dried for 5 hours.

English: Peking Duck, being dried for 5 hours. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Happy Girthday to You,

Happy Girthday to You,

Happy Girthday Dear Fatty,

Happy Girthday to You.

From good fat friends and true,

From old fat friends and new,

May good ‘Peking Duck’ luck go with you,

And a fat penis too.

*Please go ahead and use my lyrics-no copyright!

THE SMELL OF WORSHIP!

I am neither Christian or Jew, but an atheist. However on the few occasions I have visited a church or cathedral in the UK and abroad I couldn’t help notice the presence of the powerful SMELL of worship and the apparent closeness of God. I can quite understand how many BELIEVERS are easily led from the front. For a true believer it must be pretty well impossible to deny the authority of the Church.

TERROR AND YOUR TEMPLE!

English: Danny Shine - Regular at Speaker's Corner

English: Danny Shine – Regular at Speaker’s Corner (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

image dark forces II jedi knight

image dark forces II jedi knight (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

One often hears about Western Mosques being used to radicalise young Muslim men and women leading individuals to plan and execute acts of terror. Now I don’t care whether you claim to be Muslim, Christian, Jewish, Hindu or even a Jedi Knight. If it is proved CONCLUSIVELY that your Temple has been used to radicalise a Faith follower, then said Temple must be PUBLICALLY BULLDOZED. Let the message go out that a Temple must only be used as a place of true worship and contemplation. You wish to radicalise the young, then have the guts to try it on Sunday morning at Speaker’s Corner. Enough said!