‘BOY, IT’S FREEZING IN HERE’…CRYOPRESERVATION!

English: Technicians prepare a body for cryopr...

English: Technicians prepare a body for cryopreservation. Español: Técnicos preparando un cuerpo para preservación criogénica. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Human cryopreservation has been in the news recently, but the process is not new. Individuals have been frozen in time for decades, hoping that one day medical science will find a cure for their incurable diseases, and thus they will be thawed, repaired and sent on their merry way! Tempted by immortality, even rich, healthy people have opted for cryofreezing upon death as opposed to a burial or cremation. I personally don’t fancy my blood replaced with a chemical solution that would kill me if I took it in my food. However, the main reason I wouldn’t entertain being frozen, is that the planet Earth is in a poor state of repair, is vastly over-populated and is in turmoil. The place isn’t going to get any better, so why would I want to thawed out in say 200 years, if indeed it was possible? The likelihood is I’d get mugged the moment I’d exit the cryogenic centre! If there are any men out there who are considering cryopreservation, do make sure your cock is in a flaccid state, otherwise, at 200Kelvin you might find it snaps off!

When considering cryopreservation it helps of course if you don’t believe in the soul. Spokespersons of established religions will be opposed to the process, for when one dies, the soul (life force) is believed to leave one’s body, never to return. It follows, if a cryopreserved body is ever successfully thawed, it will be returned to the land of the living…soulless!

If of course you are interested in cryopreservation but lack the funds, you could always go the DIY route and buy a chest freezer with surge protection. Since likely as not you will end up being frozen in time by a third-party…your blood replaced with automotive anti-freeze, it would be best to be cryofrozen by someone who actually likes you!

SPACE…THE FINAL FRONTEER!

English: The earth seen from the outer space.C...

English: The earth seen from the outer space.Created with 3Ds max (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Now as far as I understand it, what we earthlings call ‘inner space’ comprises of the troposphere, the stratosphere and the ionosphere, beyond which is ‘outer space’. That is merely our interpretation! As far as I am concerned, there is no inner or outer space. There is merely SPACE, which Earth occupies merely a tiny part of…a pin prick of space. Is space endless, or is there an edge to it? If so, Is there anything beyond space? Since nothing exists forever, what occupied the space before…space? Sorry folks, I’m getting a headache. I need a coffee and a cigarette. Goodbye!

THE CONTINUED BASTARDIZATION OF SPOKEN ENGLISH.

"Science Friday" Recommendations

“Science Friday” Recommendations (Photo credit: LollyKnit)

I don’t know about you, but there are certain phrases that get on my NERVES!

‘I’m gutted!‘ Oh no you’re not. You’re upset, even distraught, but you’re not actually gutted. If you were really gutted you’d know about it. Your insides would be outside. You hear ‘I’m gutted’ a lot on television, particularly on cookery shows. Hell, if everyone who’s said ‘I’m gutted’ actually was gutted, well, the world would be knee-deep’ in pustulating intestines!

You’re joking me!’  Double YUK.

‘It’s not rocket science.  Used by everyone except rocket scientists.

‘Alright mate?’ (when talking to a woman).

Here’s a really wacky idea one might employ in order to extend one’s vocabulary;

TRY READING A BOOK OCCASIONALLY, DUMB-ARSE! If you find this blog offensive…GOOD!

DOCTOR WHO…WHAT, WHY AND WHERE?

Police box located outside Earl's Court tube s...

Police box located outside Earl’s Court tube station in London. This has a similar outward appearance to the 1960s police boxes, but is ‘bristling with new technology’http://www.lurs.org.uk/un/tardis.htm. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

I’ve just been informed by our magnificent Press that BLUE POLICE BOXES are due to make a comeback onto the high streets of Old Blighty. Billed as ‘Technologically-enabled police contact points featuring two-way audio technology, members of the general public will be able to communicate directly with the police. A light on top of the box will either flash or wink (whichever is considered the sexier) to indicate to an officer on the beat (on the beat…where?) that they should contact the police station.

The public will also be able to report crime and anti-social behaviour. Well, if the police boxes aren’t stolen to make headboards, once the initiative fails, the remaining blue boxes will no doubt be rented out as bijou studio apartments for the homeless. I hope they don’t mind sleeping standing up! I’m told that the sound of running water is supposed to calm one, which will be good news for all those future West End residents when Saturday night drunks piss up over the police boxes.

BRITAIN’S CULTURE OF REWARDING FAILURE!

Failure_Freeway

Failure_Freeway (Photo credit: StormKatt)

Why do we have this culture of rewarding failure? How many chief executives must be paid off with hundreds of thousands of pounds for failing in their duties before the rules are changed? It’s not just in banks, but across the board! You would think no one else would want to employ these failure, as indeed would I, but how wrong we would be! Most of the CEOs are quickly re-employed in similarly high-profile positions, and often in industries they are unfamiliar with. Where is the motivation to succeed when one is almost equally rewarded for failure? Okay, two failures and you’re probably unemployable, but by that time you will have accrued millions in severance and pensions. Contracts should be performance-related only, and unrelated to making redundancies! It is said you can learn more from a failure than a success. This maybe so, but it shouldn’t be at the expense of shareholders or employees. With so much at stake in a fragile economy, it should be ‘one strike and you’re out!’

Case in point, UK Passport Office chief Paul Pugh has been nominated for a ‘Leader of the Year’ award, the ceremony to take place tonight at the prestigious Landmark Hotel in central London. Okay, the nomination was made months ago, however, bearing in mind there is a backlog of 500,000 passport applications to get through, shouldn’t someone have withdrawn Mr Pugh’s nomination for an award he clearly doesn’t deserve in light of the passport fiasco?

THESE ARE THE JOKES FOLKS!

GIS’ A JOB MATE!

Two unemployed coal miners, Reg and Bill are sitting in a job-centre waiting to be interviewed. Reg spots a poster on the wall and reads it aloud to his friend;  ‘ In every communication with a prospective employer, EXCELLENCE is the only standard. ‘

” Ah, ” Bill says. ” That’s where I went wrong. “Clown Face Royalty Free Stock Photography - 31030937

” What do you mean? ” Reg asks.

” I spelled excellence with one L. “

MOTHER CATCHES DAUGHTER TEXTING HER BOYFRIEND.

“Miranda, I’m shocked!”

 “But mum…”

 “Oh don’t ‘but mum’ me. Everyone knows there’s no hyphen in masturbation.”

KING WILLIAM OF NORMANDY ON ENGLISH BATTLEFIELD.

William (to soldier): “Quick! Find something to break my fall!”

 Soldier (holding up a ream of photocopying paper): “Err, how about this sire?”

 William: “From hence forth I shall be called William the Conqueror!”

 MOBILE COLONIC IRRIGATION SERVICE.

Man: “Good evening sir, I’m Jeff and I’m from the mobile colonic irrigation clinic.”

 Husband: “Come in, my wife’s upstairs.”

Jeff: “Err, will the missus want an infusion of wheat-germ?”

 Husband: “I’m paying you to flush her not feed her!”

BATH TIME.

Woman: “A gentleman would get out of the bath to pee!”

 Man: “I never claimed to be a gentleman. All I said was, I would keep you in the style to which you were accustomed!”

TWO OLD FRIENDS MEET UP FOR THE FIRST TIME IN 15 YEARS.

Alan: Morris, it’s great to see you.”

 Morris: Alan…you too. What are you up to?”

 Alan: “I’m working for a firm of head-hunters.”

 Morris: “Oh no, and everyone had suck high hopes for you. Still, it could be worse, you could be poaching ivory.”

TWO MEN SALIVATING OVER CATWALK MODELS.

Man 1: “I think that’s what they call pret a porter.”

Man 2: “No, it’s definitely pret a manger!”

JEEVES, DID YOU JUST FART?

M’lady: “I say Jeeves, there seems to be more buckshot on my plate than actual pheasant.”

 Jeeves: “M’lady, the bleeder refuse to die on the first volley, so we had to train our guns on it a second time.”

 M’lady: “And why was that?”

 Jeeves: “Mam, the bleeder went and got itself educated. The first thing it did was to purchase a bullet-proof jacket.”

 M’lady: “What do they say…ah yes, it’s always a mistake to educate the pheasants!”

WHEN I DIE…

Space Debris

Space Debris (Photo credit: Hopeful in NJ)

I would like my cremated remains to be placed inside a capsule and fired into outer space. Hey, don’t laugh! A space burial has become rather popular. Gene Roddenberry will be out there soon, Timothy Leary too, and I wanna join them, but obviously not just at the moment. Hopefully that’ll give me sufficient time in which to put away the money. Space burials don’t come cheap you know! Sacrifices will have to be made…but I hope not by me.

I mean, what’s the alternative…have my warm embers sprinkled around a rose bush, only for Spot the dog to come along and pee all over me? No thanks!

As far as I can see, there are only two logistical problems with a burial in outer space.

1) I My remains would no doubt have to share the capsule with the remains of like minded people…but I don’t even like sharing a lane in my local swimming pool! On the UP side, I’ll finally conquer my fear of heights.

2)There is so much space junk already up there, that with my luck the capsule will collide with an abandoned satellite, veer off course and crash back down to Earth, and probably hit a crematorium.

How do YOU wish to be de-commissioned?

STEALING GRAVESTONES!

English: Tombstones at Dyrham Seriously leanin...

English: Tombstones at Dyrham Seriously leaning tombstones close to St Peter’s church. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Chaldean Trading 9 Ltd, a company in South Africa is offering to install microchips in tombstones to detect if they’re being stolen. Memorial Alert is a transmitter placed inside a headstone which will sound an alarm and send out texts to relatives of the deceased if it detects that a grave is being tampered with. Apparently up to 20 marble and granite tombstones a month are stolen from graves in Johannesburg’s 36 cemeteries before being sold on to crooked stonemasons. I only mention this because I’m concerned robbing graves of their marble and granite tombstones might ‘trend’ over into the UK. I suppose one might consider tombstones a ‘natural resource’ for thieves!

Meanwhile, on a not entirely unrelated matter, mourners visiting the Mollendal cemetery in Bergen, Norway have been left shocked after finding hundreds of gravestones covered in black plastic bags that are locked in place with a clip. Attached to each bag is a late-payment notice, warning relatives of the deceased that the headstone will shortly be removed unless they cover the cost of the grave’s upkeep. Around 670 gravestones at the cemetery are affected. Apparently, when a person is  buried there, the municipal government covers the initial maintenance  cost and rental…25 years for a coffin; 20 years for an urn. After that period, it falls upon relatives of the deceased to pay for the annual upkeep: 518 krone (£52) for a coffin; and 363 krone (£37) for an urn. So, death is not forever…it’s only for the length of a rental contract. Interesting!

 

 

MY PROBLEM WITH COMPRESSED-AIR TYRE INFLATORS!

What a strange title for a post, eh? Prior to picking a friend up from hospital the other night, after I put petrol in the fuel tank I thought to check the tyre pressures in the dark. I couldn’t clearly see the black on grey digital read out, nor could I hear the bleep to alert me to the fact that I had reached the pre-set tyre pressure because a lorry was revving its engine. I ended up with four different tyre pressures! I don’t know what its like outside the UK, but in London the compressed-air tyre inflators really do need re-designing. For example, why can’t the digital display be on the actual hose?  Another thing, it takes far too long to put air in a tyre. The process should more or less be instant!

SHALE GAS…THE POUND IN YOUR POCKET!

Detail of Tower for drilling horizontally into...

Detail of Tower for drilling horizontally into the Marcellus Shale Formation for natural gas, just north of Pennsylvania Route 118 in eastern Moreland Township, Lycoming County, Pennsylvania, USA (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

It has been suggested that the shale gas revolution in the UK will SIGNIFICANTLY reduce a householder’s energy bills in the future. CRAP!  The most you are likely to save is £1 a week. Utility companies are not in the habit of giving away energy. This isn’t America. Unlike gravity, as far as energy costs are concerned, what goes up seldom ever comes down by very much. In the case of scale gas and fracking is concerned, it will be the value of your house that goes down. Residing in an ‘earthquake zone’ tends to do that, but look on the bright side, when your house does collapse, well, you will have a zero energy bill!

And don’t dare look to the British Government for help either. I remind you, when ‘Ofgem’ (The Office of Gas and Electricity Markets) fined Scottish and Southern Energy £10.5m for mis-selling in 2013, the Treasury KEPT the money rather than redistribute it to duped consumers.

If you want to be free from energy fiscal enslavement, buy yourself a cow and harvest the methane!

A BRIEF HISTORY OF WIND FARMS BY A LAY PERSON.

English: The , also known as the Green Mountai...

English: The , also known as the Green Mountain Energy Wind Farm, near . (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

When wind farms were first introduce to Britain over twenty years ago, they cost £100,000 each, and few saw the benefit in them. Now the Government is investing over SIX BILLION pounds in them, they cost 1,000,000,000 each, a ten-fold increase, and all to produce 1-5% of the required regional power. In years to come I believe most people will see the folly of the rolling out of wind farms, and many of them will be pulled down, but perhaps not the ones on Crown land. Meanwhile a few individuals are getting very rich at the taxpayers expense. I’m no scientist, however, if you are going to invest such a huge sum, you would probably get a greater return on your money in the form of power, by investing in solar power. Yes, I know solar power has been rubbished and is now considered somewhat old technology, but isn’t that because no one is investing six billion pounds in it? Boy, whoever lobbied the Government on behalf of wind farm manufacturers must have quite the silver tongue! Since Britain hasn’t sufficient sun or wind (outside House of Commons) neither technology will ever produce a cost-effective power supply. You have been warned, and you have been CONNED! So it is say hello again to nuclear power.

The British government is so committed to wind turbine technology, that it intends banning councils from imposing minimum distance limits or ‘buffer zones’ between private properties and turbines. Of course the advantage of having one right outside your bedroom window is that you will be able to put your washing out to dry!

UPDATED: 28/08/13.

Plans for future wind farms in Britain might be in jeopardy after a United Nations legal tribunal ruled that the UK Government acted ILLEGALLY by denying the public decision-making powers over their approval and the ‘necessary information’ over their benefits or adverse effects. The new ruling, which will no doubt be appealed, calls into question the legal validity of any further planning consent both onshore and offshore.

ENGLAND’S ECONOMY IS A BUSTED FLUSH!

Totally Busted

Totally Busted (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Yet people the world over still believe the rumour that the streets here are paved with GOLD! In the spirit of fair play, I did recently spot a lump of gold on the pavement, however, it turned out to be a FILLING belonging to an elderly woman who had just been MUGGED!

ROLL ME A GREAT BIG FAT ONE PLEASE!

The flag of the City and County of Denver sinc...

The flag of the City and County of Denver since 1926. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

A few days ago 80,000 people met in Denver Colorado at 4:20pm on Saturday to celebrate last year’s legalising of cannabis, now known as 420 Day. Everyone lit up.  It has been suggested by certain pop/rock legends that if it wasn’t for snorting ‘H’, coke, dropping acid and smoking dope they would never had produced their greatest albums. In that case, the 80,000 Coloradoans must have come up with a hell of a lot of good ideas. Blue sky thinking, OUT, grey smoke thinking, IN!

IF I WAS GOD…

The Earth seen from Apollo 17.

The Earth seen from Apollo 17. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

I would tell human beings that they only had 440 years left to put their house in order before their reign on Earth comes to a dramatic conclusion, but it wouldn’t be through my hand. Whether it be by design or accident, you will come to and end if you follow your current path. I would then spend the following one hundred years repairing the damage you had done to this once beautiful planet, during which time I would consider what species to replace you with. Something perhaps equally intelligent, but less egotistical.

You greedy humans have over-populated Earth…or rather, the Water planet, and between your copulations have poisoned the land, the seas, and air. Although you are to congratulated on your great achievements in the Sciences and the Arts, the same ego that put a space station in the sky will cause your demise. Put your egos in check before it is too late.

Why oh why do you bother to unearth the truths of the past and record precisely your recent  history on computer when all you ever do is to repeat the same mistakes. Tell me, what prevents you leaning from past mistakes? Then again, nothing is supposed to last forever, is it.