REAL HOUSEWIVES OF BURNT OAK, NORTH LONDON!

Over the last few months I’ve glimpsed at Real Housewives of New York, Beverly Hills, and Texas. They are mostly beautiful, toned, tanned, have beautiful straight white teeth, and live in luxury…but they don’t represent REAL housewives, do they?

Fat Woman Royalty Free Stock Photos - 35991908

Perhaps there should be a TV prog on ‘Real Housewives of ‘BURNT OAK,’ a multicultural town in Northwest London! The wives are big enough to attract the interest of Japanese whalers, what teeth they have are broken and green, many have English as their second language, and some are even in England illegally. Those that drive, do so on the wrong side of the road, in vehicles that don’t have road tax, insurance or a valid MOT. Hobbies? Horse riding, err, no, selling donkey meat from the back of a van, err, yes! Homes, rented, and decorated in police tape. ‘Crime scene, do not cross!’

I think wives of Burnt Oak deserve a series of their very own. Those that didn’t get picked by Immigration, would most certainly get arrested by the Fashion Police!

Episode One: ‘Signing on when you’re not entitled to!’

Episode Two: ‘It’s the Pol-ice!’

Episode Three: ‘Use the lavatory, not the Street!’

Episode Four: ‘It’s my baby, I’ll sell it if I want To!’

I predict viewing figures will go through the ROOF, unless of course you’ve had your TV stolen!

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EVERY HOME SHOULD HAVE ONE…A BULLET-PROOF ‘COUCH’!

Bulletproof

Bulletproof (Photo credit: jillmotts)

Manufacturer Charles Alan Inc., in Fort  Worth, Texas, US, will build your bespoke fire-rated, weapon-storage couch to order. ‘CouchBunker’, a couch that can store up to 30 rifles and with bullet-proof cushions that can stop a .44 Magnum bullet at point blank range is now available in America. The cushions, fitted with straps, can be worn as armour when on the move. Presumably this is when you are the victim of a home invasion? Still not convinced, well, the 900lbs CouchBunker is available in a range of  colours and materials to match soft furnishings and curtains for a mere $6,700.

If you already drive a bullet-proof car, wear bullet-proof clothing and Kevlar underwear, why not buy yourself a bullet-proof couch? No home should be without one…or a panic room! On the other hand, have you thought about making more friends than enemies?

THEY SAY WE’VE ALL GOT A BOOK INSIDE US!

Moussaka is an eggplant based dish

Moussaka is an eggplant based dish (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

…that’s probably why I’m always suffering indigestion. But seriously, I had a story I intended writing but never got around to doing it. Okay then…Greek waiter Lambros emigrates to Texas with wife Mia in order to open a traditional Greek taverna. One year down the line and the taverna is a great success. Unfortunately Lambros catches Mia cheating on him with two cowboys. Mad with jealousy, I had the main character lose it big time. Lambros was supposed to pick up a chainsaw and cut up Mia and her cowboys into cute little pieces. The short story never got written because I couldn’t get the title right. ‘Texas Chainsaw Moussaka.’  Nah, still doesn’t sound right.

MY AUNTIE SHIRLEY ‘ENJOYS’ ILL-HEALTH!

Cover of "Road House (+ Widescreen DVD) [...

Cover of Road House (+ Widescreen DVD) [Blu-ray]

Yes, that’s what I said! Auntie Shirley has been ill…roughly since 1971. She’s even had two write-ups in The British medical Journal, and a brief mention in The Lancet. Auntie has had more exploratory operations than bore holes in Texas! Christ, syndromes have been named after her! I don’t actually know what’s been wrong with the woman…nobody does, however on the rare occasions I visit Shirley, I make a mental note never, never to use the word…hypochondria for fear she will cut me out of her will.

Did you ever see ‘Road House’ starring the late Patrick Swayze? Do you remember the scene where, as James Dalton, he takes himself off to hospital to get stapled back together by the gorgeous Kelly Lynch (Dr Elizabeth Clay)? Swayze’s character…for the sake of efficiency carried with him a file containing his full medical history. Auntie Shirley keeps her entire medical history in a similar file, however, hers is leather-bound! If you ever happen to bump into Shirley, don’t ask her how she’s feeling, or you’ll lose a month of your life! If ever my aunt was to die in mysterious circumstances, I expect she will have left instructions that her autopsy should take a year and a day!

I BOUGHT MYSELF A 3-D PLASTIC PRINTER AND MADE MYSELF A POTENT WEAPON THAT NO WOMAN CAN RESIST!

It took me just thirty-six hours to make parts for my deadly weapon from Internet blueprints. Frame, grip, barrel, 2 springs, five washers, frame pins, firing pin, trigger spring…but the effort was well worth it! I had myself a state of the art, rust-proof, double-dip vibrator that offered the lucky recipient a MULTIPLE ORGASM experience!  For heaven sake, why would anyone want to build a bloody gun? As a matter of fact several of my fiercely loyal female acolytes are urging me to stand for Parliament. The trouble is, I don’t like to stay up late, but I haven’t said no.