EMERGENCY TEXT MESSAGING!

English: mobile phone text message (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

In the event of a nuclear disaster or terrorist attack, the UK government plans to warn me via a text message on my mobile phone. It is intended a new alert system will steer me away from danger and tell me where to get help. That’s all very well, but unfortunately I live in a valley where there is little to no mobile phone coverage, thanks to a group of local do-gooders who vigorously campaigned to get rid of phone masts. So, should a natural or manmade chemical, biological or nuclear disaster happen my way, it looks like I will only get to hear about it when my breathing becomes laboured and my eyes pop out of my head. I shall remain in the dark unless my idiot cousin Jeffrey can train his racing pigeons to carry messages to me. I’m not holding my breath! So far none of Jeff’s birds have ever made it home, so there’s little chance they’ll ever make it to my home! “Sorry, no service!”

*In the event of a nuclear disaster, is factor 500 sun screen sufficient to protect my oh so soft skin, and am I likely to lose the freckles women find so endearing?

JAPANESE GIRLS RENT OUT THEIR THIGHS!

English: The mdonalds logo from the late 90s (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

For advertising space that is, and apparently Tokyo girls are happy to do this! The brainchild of a Japanese PR agent, product placement is gathering apace! If this form of ‘mobile advertising’  were to be replicated in England, I suggest there are many more places our ‘ladies’ would RENT OUT, being that our lasses are somewhat larger than the Orientals. Our ORCAS who DINE regularly at McDonalds etcetera, have the capacity to rent space to several companies at once, and possibly have room for a very nice vista! Who says OBESITY doesn’t have its benefits?

LADIES, WOULD YOU HAVE A ‘SNAIL’ FACIAL?

self made (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Tokyo today! Fancy a snail facial? Apparently live snail SLIME is said to contain a cocktail of proteins, anti-oxidants and hyaluronic acid which removes dead cells, reduces inflammation and helps skin retain moisture. Be brave, because I wouldn’t want live snails ‘prancing’ around over my face! Part two of the treatment! An electrical pulse machine using creams infused with snail mucus is applied to the skin to ensure the live secretions penetrate the dermis. Ladies, forgive me for being crude, but this sounds much like another kind of facial you may have once received, and that one you would have been gratis.

In any event, these are no ordinary snails, nor are they M & S snails, but specially bred snails fed organic vegetables including carrots, Japanese komatsuna greens, spinach and Swiss chard. And the cost of this CELEBRITY ESCARGOT COURSE? Expect to SHELL out £161:00. Ladies, in order to get value for money, you may consider covering the molluscs with garlic butter, then grilling them!

HOW WILL THE FUK…USHIMA NUCLEAR DISASTER AFFECT THE TOKYO 2020 SUMMER OLYMPICS?

Mascot of Tokyo Olympic Games 2020 @ Odaiba (Photo credit: *_*)

Since radioactive water is still leaking into the sea, one wonders what the long-term health risks are for the locals? In the meantime, the Osaka’s Yamamoto Corporation has developed new anti-radiation wetsuits made from rubberised kneaded carbon which the company claims can stop 100% of beta radiation. The OYC has also developed a new range of lead-based underwear. The lightweight wetsuit will cost just over $1,000, while the underwear will cost about $825. Since the 2020 Tokyo Summer Olympics is to be held only 100 miles away, I wonder if the IOC (International Olympic Committee) will be offering anti-radiation wetsuits to the swimmers and sailors, and lead-based underwear to the track & field and gymnastic teams? If so, if don’t suppose the 100 mitres sprint Olympic record will in danger of being eclipsed…or any records for that matter!