Oy…Jeeves, put the Rolls in the garage…I’ll butter them later!
Anyway, Her Most Gracious Majesty, HRH Queen Elizabeth the 2nd IS looking for a trainee butler, and yours truly shall be applying for the post. ‘The successful candidate will possess initiative and discretion.’ Well, my middle name is ‘discretion’, along with ‘whistle blower’.
Regarding the Royal family, despite what you might think, there are no ‘airs & graces’ behind closed doors. Why behind closed doors the Windsors are just like any other middle class family…only they live in a palace…or two and have several hundred servants. I understand Her Most Gracious Majesty has a
Cannelloni…CANALETTO in the royal kitchen just for the cook to throw linguine at. If it sticks, its al dente!
Listen folks, it can’t be too difficult to BUTTLE, as long as I remember to serve to the left, clear to the right, and break wind with my buttocks towards the diner!
‘Good morning your Maj’ I’d say as I’m serving her up porridge in the great hall. ‘Will you be requiring the 800-year-old Coronation spoon today?’ And the porridge will be followed by kedgeree, (smoked haddock, boiled eggs, rice & cream) accompanied by the comment, ‘Over the teeth, past the gums, look out stomach, here it comes!’ Her Maj is well into humour!
‘Your Maj, would you like margarine or BUTTA on your bleedin’ toast?’
‘That’s all well and good your Maj, but calling me ‘Honey’ will only diminish your status, and elevate mine!’ And which Crown will you be using today M’am? Oh Gawd, not the Imperial State Crown…but I’ve got to schlep all the way to The Tower of London to fetch it! Look here missus, can’t you wear whatever’s on the bleedin’ premises?’
To be honest with you all, I’m only applying for the post so I’ll have somewhere to park my car in central London!