Queen Elizabeth II of the United Kingdom durin...

Queen Elizabeth II of the United Kingdom during a state banquet in honor of Brazilian president Lula da Silva at Buckingham Palace, London. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Oy…Jeeves, put the Rolls in the garage…I’ll butter them later!

Anyway, Her Most Gracious Majesty, HRH Queen Elizabeth the 2nd IS looking for a trainee butler, and yours truly shall be applying for the post. ‘The successful candidate will possess initiative and discretion.’  Well, my middle name is ‘discretion’, along with ‘whistle blower’.

Regarding the Royal family, despite what you might think, there are no ‘airs & graces’ behind closed doors. Why behind closed doors the Windsors are just like any other middle class family…only they live in a palace…or two and have several hundred servants. I understand Her Most Gracious Majesty has a CannelloniCANALETTO in the royal kitchen just for the cook to throw linguine at. If it sticks, its al dente!

Listen folks, it can’t be too difficult to BUTTLE, as long as I remember to serve to the left, clear to the right, and break wind with my buttocks towards the diner!

‘Good morning your Maj’ I’d say as I’m serving her up porridge in the great hall. ‘Will you be requiring the 800-year-old Coronation spoon today?’ And the porridge will be followed by kedgeree, (smoked haddock, boiled eggs, rice & cream) accompanied by the comment, ‘Over the teeth, past the gums, look out stomach, here it comes!’ Her Maj is well into humour!

‘Your Maj, would you like margarine or BUTTA on your bleedin’ toast?’


‘That’s all well and good your Maj, but calling me ‘Honey’ will only diminish your status, and elevate mine!’ And which Crown will you be using today M’am? Oh Gawd, not the Imperial State Crown…but I’ve got to schlep all the way to The Tower of London to fetch it! Look here missus, can’t you wear whatever’s on the bleedin’ premises?’

To be honest with you all, I’m only applying for the post so I’ll have somewhere to park my car in central London!


English: Two ravens standing guard at the Towe...

English: Two ravens standing guard at the Tower of London. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Two of the Tower’s eight ravens have been killed by a fox. Tradition states that if the ravens should die or disappear then the Tower, and perhaps the Kingdom itself, shall fall. It has yet to be determined whether the fox had any political affiliations. In the meantime the British Prime Minister ‘Dave the Rave’ Cameron has called an emergency meeting of COBRA, (Cabinet Office Briefing Room A) on Whitehall. The deaths of ravens Jubilee and Gripp are thought to be so serious a matter that the PM has even recalled the Foreign Secretary from his trip to Euro Disney!

We must resume fox-hunting immediately,” said Major-General Sir Albert Clinkbottom, KG, AC/DC, RSVP. “Deploy the Army. Hunt down those mangy varmints…show them no mercy. Someone saddle my f**king horse!” Following the meeting, those in attendance observed a two-minute silence for those selfless servants of the Crown, ravens Jubilee and Gripp.