English: United States Trident II (D-5) missil...

English: United States Trident II (D-5) missile underwater launch. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

The Liberal Democrats wish to halve the size of Britain’s submarine nuclear deterrent from four to two (hardly a fleet) and propose that the subs should only put to sea in emergencies. First of all, will the nuclear missiles themselves be halved in size? In other words, are we to fund a fleet of mini sibs? Secondly, will the nukes still go just straight up and down, or are they capable of doing ‘loop-the-loop’? Thirdly, if the two nuclear subs only put to sea in an emergency, might not that be TOO LATE? Fallout from an enemy nuclear missile will play havoc with the reception on my digital TV. If it a question of MONEY (isn’t it always), then let members of the British public pay for the privilege of naming out missiles. If I could get say 5000 people together and we all agreed to Christen a missile…DEREK, could we still please have four submarines? Yes, yes…see Derek fly!

On a more serious note, the only people who are ever lightly to fire a nuclear missile are Jihadists, should they ever get their hands on one…oh, and India…oh…oh…Pakistan, North Korea, China, Russia, France…yes, definitely France, and the USA, and should we get out finger out in time, which is very doubtful, we Brits.



Trident (Photo credit: Camilla Hoel)

Up to 50 officers from the Ministry of Defence police are under investigation for allegedly skipping vital security patrols and even taking naps while on duty at the 225-acre Atomic Weapons Establishment at Burghfield, Reading where technicians build Trident nuclear warheads! Holy atomic bombs, tell me this isn’t so? Al Qaeda missed the boat there then! A spokesperson for the taxpayer-funded theme park said, ‘At no point was the security of the site or its nuclear assets compromised.’ Well, that settles that! I can sleep tight knowing that I won’t wake up as with the complexion of crispy bacon!





The End is Near

Meanwhile, over at the Malstrom Air Force base in Montana, one of three in the US that maintains 450 ready-to-launch nuclear missiles, 34 airmen have been removed from their posts and stripped of their security clearance for allegedly exchanging answers to mandatory monthly proficiency tests by text message. The end is definitely nigh! Nigh, nigh, nigh, nigh, nigh!



Airship (Photo credit: Superb@)

In an effort to save money, Danny Alexander, Treasury chief secretary has identified ‘alternatives’ for a full like-for-like replacement of the Trident nuclear deterrent. May I humbly suggest INFLATABLE nuclear submarines? Oh hang on, might not the nuclear fuel rods melt through the boat’s hull? What about dirigibles (airships), surface to air arrows and cavalry horses? When will the defence cuts cease…when we’re invaded perhaps?