ELTON JOHN AND ME!

Many years ago I was sitting on a park bench in Miami reading, when of all people, singer/songwriter Elton John strolled up to me to ask directions to a particular restaurant. I guess I was rude, engrossed as I was in a short story by William Fryer Harvey called ‘The Beast with Five Fingers’.  It was about a severed hand that went on its own killing spree. Anyway, several years later and I find myself sleeping on that same park bench. How amazing is that? The lesson to be learned here is, when life offers you a hand, grab it with all three of yours! Freak circuses may be un-PC but the money I would have earned might have paid for my very own PC! Hell even the British Royal Marine Commandos didn’t want someone with three hands. I said they’d make me a more efficient climber and killer. The recruitment sergeant said the Health & Safety Executive would frown on someone capable of firing a weapon and masturbating at the same time!

YOUR HEALTHY ‘APPETITE’ FOR LIFE IS BREAKING THE BANK!

 Hey, do you smoke, eat too much and unhealthily, drink to excess and ‘enjoy’ recreational drugs? Well you’re costing the UK National Health Service too much damn money! According to the publicly funded think tank The centre for Economic & Business Research, Britain faces an £18billion bill relating to heart disease by 2020! Well let’s look on the bright side, that’s £18billion we won’t have to give in foreign aid, so don’t so any exercise and clog up those f**king arteries as quickly as possible! Better the money goes to you the taxpayer in healthcare costs, and not to a country you’ve never been to, run by an utterly corrupt government, whose ministers pocket half the money, while the rest goes to buy arms, whores, cultivate opium and fund terrorist groups!

By the way, remaining on the subject of ‘health’ for a moment, did you know the survival rate for breast cancer, lung cancer and prostate cancer has never been so high, thanks to the valiant efforts of our scientists? Thus elderly cancer survivors can now look forward to dying not from cancer, but from starvation or from the cold because money that should be earmarked to provide them food and heating is already given away in foreign aid…£13billion of it every year!

Anyone for another Big Mac? Oh, if it’s your round, I’ll take a double whiskey. Roll me a joint while you’re at it! ‘Exercise’, oh do f**k off!

 

ANTI-ISRAEL SLOGAN STAMPED ON BRITISH £5:00 NOTE!

Five-pound notes emblazoned with ‘Free Palestine! Boycott Israel!’ have surface in Bolton, Greater Manchester. Although the notes remain legal tender, the Bank of England warns defacing currency is illegal and those doing it risk prosecution! Bearing in mind nowadays £5:00 has a spending power of about £3:00, perhaps a more appropriate slogan on British paper money might be; ‘Quantitative Easing devalues this note!’ Or, ‘This £5:00 note isn’t worth the paper it’s printed on!’ Or, ‘The cocaine on this note is worth more than £5:00!’

‘ASSISTED’ MASTURBATION MAY BECOME A THING OF THE PAST!

 

The European Union says it is committed to reducing energy consumption by 30% by 2030. The EU’s Ecodesign directive is committed to eventually outlawing all high wattage electrical devices. High wattage televisions, washing machines and refrigerators are already consigned to the scrap heap. By next Spring high wattage vacuum cleaners and hair dryers will be outlawed too, so it comes as no surprise to me, since the recent announcement retailers have reported sales of 1,900 watts to 2,400 watts vacuum cleaners have gone through the roof. The ‘roof’ being a surge in sales of 44%! It has nothing whatsoever to do with the fact householders have suddenly become house proud, but a lot to do with the fact no one fancies using a 900 max wattage device that will not lift dog hairs! Personally my sympathies are with the sexual deviants who rely on handheld, high wattage vacuum cleaners to get themselves off! That’ll knock the smile off the face of the Henry VC! Perhaps if MEPs, bureaucrats and civil servants in Brussels and The Haig didn’t leave so many lights burning, we wouldn’t have to reduce our energy consumption?

Meanwhile, the money sapping European Union Government has so far taken £36billion of member states contributions and funnelled the huge sum into their own gold-plated pension pots!

TRAVEL SICKNESS!

Despite Prime Minister David Cameron’s promise at the beginning of 2014 to keep immigration below 100,000, so far this year 240,000 economic migrants have entered the UK! Great efforts have been made to return Rumanian and Bulgarian beggars to their countries of origin, particularly those living rough in and around the West End of London, but as soon as they’re sent home, they reappear on out streets. I understand most of them are suffering from…travel sickness, particularly mal de mer!

UK ECONOMY RECOVERY…TRUTH OR LIE?

One week we are told the economy is thriving, compared to the rest of Europe, and the following week it’s a different story! What is the truth? Well, every week of the year 36 pubs close. As quickly as one independent restaurant opens, another one closes. Over 200,000 small businesses are teetering on bankruptcy. It is said a mere 1% increase in the bank rate would push them over the edge. Meanwhile the banks refuse to support them further, and in some cases call in overdrafts. I know of two small businesses, one a printers and the other a dry cleaners where the owners sometimes don’t even take wages in order to keep the businesses afloat. Nor do the owners take annual holidays! The dry cleaning business has lost 50% of its trade over the last 5-years.

And the flip side to the story? Coffee house chains and ‘theme’ bistros chains have sprung up all over the country, continue to expand, and often have two branches in the same town. So not only must they compete with competitors, but against their own branches too! The question I want answered is, how can they survive when people’s disposable income is said to be lower now than before the 2008 crash? After a little bit of research I discovered most of the bistro chains are owned by private equity firms that have fingers in many different pies. For instance, did you know that Carluccio’s is owned by the Dubai-based Lanmark Group, PizzaExpress is owned by China-based private equity firm Hony Capital, Strada and Café Rouge is controlled by Tragus Group, which is itself owned by the Blackstone Group, the largest private equity firm in the world! Zizzi and AskItalian is controlled by the Gondola Group which is owned by Cinven, a European private equity firm. But it still doesn’t answer the question, where are people finding the money to eat at these places? One answer might be, we are cutting our cloth according to our needs! Looking for greater value for money, I suppose ‘white collar’ workers who used to spend money in pubs may now be frequenting bistros. Beer and spirits are now far, far cheaper bought in supermarkets. As always, comments are welcomed!

THE ‘SEAT’ OF THE ROMAN EMPIRE!

Archaeologists in the Valley of Kings in Egypt have been excavating rare and valuable artefacts for well over 100-years, but what precious artefact recently unearthed in Britain has got archaeologists so hot under the collar? Would you believe a 2000-year-old wooden toilet seat and in ‘near-perfect’ condition? Discovered at Vindolanda fort on Hadrian’s Wall in Northumberland, it is thought the seat was used by Roman soldiers stationed there. Well I doubt the public intend queuing around the block to see that, do you? I remind you, an earlier model was discovered on the same site not ten years ago. That toilet seat…the X1 didn’t have a hole in the middle. Mass, messy evacuations were eventually curtailed by the advanced X2 model. You’re shitting me! And what mind-boggling fact can we deduce from the recent discovery? The Roman soldiers didn’t stick their bare asses over the wall after all. My life is complete!

A FREE ‘CAT’ WITH EVERY MORTGAGE!

Russian Sberbank is drumming up business by offering a free cat with every new mortgage. You can choose between one of ten different varieties which will be delivered in time for your housewarming party. The cat, a symbol of ‘good luck’ in Russia, is not for you to keep, but only to borrow for two hours. Well it got me to thinking! British lending institutions might consider offering a similar ‘inducement’, always assuming our banks start lending again. What about offering new mortgage customers the choice of ten different flatpack cardboard boxes which will yours to keep and use as a second ‘back-up’ home (exempt from property tax) when the bank repossesses your number one home?

THE RIGHT TO BEAR ARMS!

By now you must have all read about the 9-year-old girl from Arizona who accidentally shot dead her firing-range instructor at the Last Stop range using an Uzi sub-machine gun set on full automatic. It might be legal for a child to fire weapons, but is it wise, or moral? Buy the girl a puppy and teach her love and responsibility! I understand there are more guns in civilian hands in America than there are civilians. Is this a sign of an enlightened, sophisticated society? I think not! No country with such a large population and such huge landmass is ever at risk of invasion. How many massacres by people with young, underdeveloped brains must there be before Americans wake up to the fact, changing The Second Amendment to their Constitution (the right to bear arms) is inevitable?

Former Navy officer John Correia, owner of 20-firearms, preaches at the West Greenway Bible Church in Glendale, Arizona. As a fully-qualified firearms instructor with the National Firearms Association, Mr Correia preaches Jesus loves guns. Oh really, I here I thought Jesus preached turning the other cheek?

In April 2013 the city council in Nelson, Georgia, population 1,314 passed a ‘Family Protection Ordinance’ requiring the head of every household to own a gun and ammo. In May 2013 Nucla town board, Colorado passed a similar ordinance. Here, population 700, all residents must own a firearm. Head of households may be exempt. What is it gun lobbyists say…‘guns don’t kill people, people kill people’. Yeah, right! Look, I’m not an American, and I don’t understand the American psyche, so perhaps I should mind my own business?

MAN ACCUSED OF HAVING SEX WITH A…MATTRESS!

A 52-year-old man with 72 previous convictions has been found guilty at Derry magistrate’s Court of having sex with a mattress in a car park belonging to an old people’s home while watching porn on a handheld DVD player. The court accepted the defendant was highly sprung! Further details of the case are a little sketchy. No mention was made as to whether the mattress was memory foam, pocket sprung, latex or orthopaedic? In any event, the mattress was taken into care for its own protection! (Since the actual mattress gave evidence from behind a screen so as to protect its identity, the above picture is merely a representation of what a typical mattress looks like in a relaxed state).

ARE YOU THE VICTIM OF PSYCHOLOGICAL ABUSE?

UK Home Secretary Teresa May is ‘considering’ criminalising ‘domestic psychological abuse’, punishable by 5-years in prison. Yes, we’re talking here about emotional cruelty…non-violent harm by coercion, threatening and intimidating behaviour! I have a particular interest in this subject because my late father ‘treated’ my mother to decades of psychological abuse, and it was horrible to watch a ‘lady’ being constantly humiliated. Having witnessed the hundreds of ‘events’ I wonder if that was the main reason I never married or had children of my own?

I’m not in favour of criminalising this type of abuse. Imagine hundreds or thousands of women and men turning up at police stations across the country in order to make statements prior charges being laid? Police budgets are already stretched due to mass immigration. Any investigation into domestic psychological abuse will be by its nature, time-consuming. Having spent precious resources investigating an allegation, some complainants will back out! The Crime Prosecution Service (CPS) is already overburdened by cases that have yet to make it to court. Many cases have already been waiting over a year. Remember, the wheels of Justice do turn, but very slowly! Bearing in mind the CPS will only take on a case where there is a 70% chance of getting a conviction, many of these new cases will rest on ‘he said, she said’. Independent corroborating witness statements will take months to gather. Since ‘legal aid’ has been drastically cut, how are these cases to be funded? Finally, let’s not forget several British courthouses have recently been closed in cost-cutting exercises. Criminalising ‘domestic psychological abuse’ is certainly well-intentioned, but in practice, the criminal justice system will not be able to cope!

Should  ‘domestic psychological abuse’ be made a criminal act, it may open up the floodgates for individuals in a relationship to lie or exaggerate their claims in order to get out of said relationship. For example, ‘constructive criticism’ is not DPA! According to Seema Malhotra, Labour’s domestic violence spokesperson, husbands who constantly ‘criticise’ their wives over ‘weight’ or ‘appearance’ may be committing domestic abuse, and could be interpreted as an indication of a wider pattern of ‘controlling behaviour’ which can be as bad as a physical attack! So when your wife/girlfriend asks you ‘Does my bum look big in this,’ be very careful how you answer!

SEX LESSONS FOR SMALL CHILDREN!?!

The Liberal Democrats are calling for state schools in England to offer ‘sex & relationships’ lessons for children as young as seven. I should think pupils would jump at the chance of having bonding lessons with their computers, i-Pads, smartphones and game consoles!

ARE YOU ‘DYING’ TO GET INTO A CEMETERY?

A cemetery, or graveyard is a spatially defined area where the remains of dead people are buried or otherwise interred. Huh, good to know!

Grieving daughter Stella Birdsall, 48, who wanted her father’s funeral to be memorable, has claimed it was ruined by a council official halting the burial because metal coffins were banned. Stella had ordered a £3000 vacuum-sealed, navy blue metal casket with steel handles for her father, Colin, 72. The service at St Botolph’s Church in Knottingley, West Yorkshire was apparently ‘ambushed’ the by council official beside the open grave. The funeral could not go ahead because it breached Wakefield Council’s policy barring the use of metal caskets. The hearse had to return to the undertaker’s so that the deceased could be transferred into a plywood coffin, which was all that was available. So in the end the funeral was indeed memorable, but for the wrong reasons!

It is reasonable to assume several UK councils ban the use of metal caskets. It is also logical to assume the reason is, they cannot degrade! So what? Is it council jobsworths fear a lightning strike of biblical proportions might hit metal caskets (buried six-feet under) and raise the dead, causing zombie-like figures to head for heavily populated areas in order to try out the Atkins Diet (long-pig), or is it that as land increases in value, councils will in future close cemeteries before selling the land to developers who do not wished to be troubled with relocating heavy caskets? If you can think of any other reason for banning metal caskets, do let me know!

‘JAPANESE’ SEX DOLL UPDATE!

If you lead a rather ‘artificial’ existence, then the following might well be for you! A Japanese company has bought out a sex doll range it claims is so lifelike you won’t be able to tell the difference to the real thing…at a distance! Err, doubtful! For £1000 you get a ‘Dutch Wife’ that looks remarkably dissimilar to a Dutch wife. Made from high-grade silicon, it is said your purchase will have an authentic feel to her skin. Oh really, well just make sure you keep Dolly away from any naked flames, or the thing will go up, along with your naked ambitions! Hey, not only will your Dutch Wife come with her own wardrobe of day wear and evening wear, but you can even customise her bust size and hair colour. Now listen up folks, before you hetros, metros and homos part with your hard-earned money, I’d wait until the really advanced Dutch Wife finds its way to the marketplace. My sources tell me she will have three pre-recorded messages hardwired into her that can be accessed by squeezing your ‘wife’s’ breasts or butt. “I wanna go to Miami,” “Not tonight buster, I’m menstruating,” and “I’m not signing no f**king prenup!” Now that’s what I call authentic!

UK PRISON CRISIS?

Huh, what UK prison crisis? According to the Justice Secretary Chris Grayling there is no crisis in the prison system, despite accusations of overcrowding, staff shortages and high levels of suicide and violence behind bars. Even if there are problems with the closed prison system, there are none where open prisons are concerned. Take Ford Open Prison in W. Sussex for example. Here there is no overcrowding, and thus, no violence or suicides, and why, because there’s hardly anyone there! Ford has a capacity for 512 inmates, but currently the prison has vacancies for 406! So many prisoners have buggered off without giving notice, that there exists a discounted minicab service to take escapees to Arundel train station provided 4 share the same cab!