THE BRITISH GOVERNMENT PLANS TO CUT RED TAPE!

Red Tape (Photo credit: Free Press Pics)

Cutting red tape in order to encourage things like entrepreneurship is all well and good, but do spare a thought for the 126 employees of Arbuthnot & Company of North Shields on the banks of the River Tyne who actually MAKE the red tape. They are going to find themselves made redundant. When the Conservatives fall at the next general election and Labour are back in power, should the new government wish to BRING BACK  red tape, well, they’ll be no one around to make it! If Arbuthnot’s North Shields factory is shut for a year and a day, existing Health & Safety red tape will prevent the former directors from re-opening the factory in order to make the red tape. I think I need an aspirin! By the way, existing EU red tape is now…blue!

DRIVERLESS CARS COMING TO LONDON…OH DEAR ME!

Folks, according to Volvo, driverless cars could be roaming London streets as soon as next year! Someone’s having a laugh! Clearly British ‘social customs’ have not be taken into account! Unemployed youths and gang ‘affiliate’ members will relish slashing tyres, daubing cars with paint, stealing car parts and hacking the f**king, slow-moving, silly little cars! No one, not even the German war machine had plans to drive tanks down the infamous Edgware Road, leading from the West End, through Maida Vale, Kilburn, Cricklewood, Colindale, Burnt Oak and finally, Edgware. Mark my words, no driverless car will make it in one piece! Good luck trying though!

TRIATHLON IS SO EXHAUSTING!

 

I happened to be watching world-class triathletes on the television last night…swimming, cycling, running…and quite honestly I wasn’t too impressed with their general levels of fitness! My personal ‘six’ athletic endeavours include…hunting, shooting, fishing, eating, fucking and farting! I never get wet, I don’t end up with a sports saddle stuck in my crack, and I never, ever get nipple rash or blisters!

SHOULD PROSTITUTION BE ‘DECRIMINALISED’ IN THE UK?

Since I don’t use prostitutes, frankly, I’m not bothered either way. However, if British MPs were offered a ‘free’ vote in the House of Commons, I expect the vast majority of male politicians would vote overwhelmingly in favour of decriminalising prostitution. Many of our ‘esteemed’ rulers, having played ‘hide the salami’ with a complete  stranger, would no doubt waste no time in placing ‘professional massage services’ on their expense accounts!

THE SEX LIFE OF A BRITISH POLITICIAN!

Following the revelations of the ‘Culture’ Minister, John Whittingdale’s sexual encounters with a dominatrix, it has been suggested that an extra £100 million be added onto the £7 billion plus Palace of Westminster’s refurbishment budget, this extra sum to be spent on a state of the art, soundproofed, basement sex dungeon, where overweight and out of condition politicians and peers can be ‘whipped’ into shape, away from the prying eyes of the Press! It has further been suggested, a secret underground corridor be constructed, leading from the dungeon to both voting chambers, allowing our overpaid and underworked rulers to remain in ‘uniform’, ensuring their timely arrival on crucial voting matters that affect you and I, without the need to first change! It is not a comforting thought, that our future wellbeing may be determined by men dressed as Alice in Wonderland, Nazi Adolph Hitler, a French maid and a pantomime horse? Since a highly drug resistant type of ‘super-gonorrhoea’ is spreading across the country at a rate of knots, perhaps the best place for a sex dungeon is underground after all?

BEACHBODY VERSUS COUCH POTATO!

Are you ashamed of being lean and muscular? Are you sick and tired of people staring at you in the street? Are you sick of all those sports injuries that leave you incapacitated for weeks at a time? Are you sick and tired of sticking to a restrictive, fat-free diet that leaves you moody and depressed? Well hells bells, come over to the dark side and go to couchpotato.com where you too can learn to be a fat, lazy, self-indulgent bastard. At couchpotato.com, an intensive workout means, changing channels on the TV remote, digging into a litre pot of full-fat ice-cream, and raising a single butt cheek off of the couch in order to fart! Now I think you will agree, that’s intensive!! Think of all that extra food and beer you can buy by ‘freeing up’ your gym membership fees, and all that extra space you’ll end up with at home, by giving away your exercise machines to losers? At the end of the day, the real beachbody challenge, is giving it up!

BRITAIN, DESPERATE FOR MULTICULTURAL ROLL MODELS!

I couldn’t have been more delighted when 31-year-old Muslim mother of two Nadiya Hussain won the 2015 The Great British Bake Off cookery competition. An ace contestant and worthy winner! With various TV appearances  and not one, but two cookery book coming out soon, Ms Hussain, has through design or chance, become the poster girl for moderate British Muslims. I now hear the lady has secured a lucrative contract with Harlequin publishers to produce three novels too! I can’t help thinking whether the boat would have been pushed so far out for a white, Christian cookery competition winner? I would not be surprised to learn, that just one drop of Ms Hussain’s  moderate Muslim blood will provide a cure for all known illnesses, but not until the lady has completed in 17 events in the 2016 Olympic Games and visits the International Space Station in order to hand astronauts muffins. I genuinely wish Nadiya Hussain only the very best, and hope she doesn’t suffer media over-exposure. However, since the lady dresses as a modern Muslim women, over-exposure is unlikely to occur!

Update!

Just heard Nadiya Hussain has been invited to make the official birthday cake for the Queen’s 90th birthday. Way to go Nadiya!

CHILDREN ARE OUR FUTURE…

 

but not necessarily in Britain! In the recently published Unicef ‘Fairness for Children’ report, Britain has been severely reprimanded by the UN over its record on reducing inequality among children and the lack of parity between rich and poor in the fields of health and education. The report strongly suggested that the British Government should reconsider its cuts to benefits. Bearing in mind we are the 5th richest nation, it beggars belief Britain is ranked 25th out of 37 wealthy countries covered by the UN report-behind Poland, Romania and Slovenia! Perhaps the Government should cut its foreign aid budget (£13 billion a year), and spend some of the money on British children? So much for David Cameron rhetoric; ‘Big Society’ and ‘We’re all in it together!‘

‘DIAMONDS’ ARE A GIRL’S BEST FRIEND!

 

My friend Michael just split from his wife of eighteen months after she discovered that her beautiful, yellow diamond engagement ring was in fact made by LifeGem, a company that specialises in making jewellery from a deceased’s…ashes! In this particular case, the remains of Michael’s late, beloved mother’s cremated remains! Clearly diamonds aren’t always a girl’s best friend, even if your Mum is!

‘HELLO, IS IT ME YOU’RE LOOKING FOR?’ FIRST CONTACT!

Why is the scientific community so committed to communicating with intelligent, extra-terrestrial life forms? First it was radio telescopes, then it was deep space probes. Now it’s thousands of postage stamp-sized ‘nanocrafts’, each weighing less than a gram, backed by a sail, and pushed into space by laser beam. Is it really wise to encourage immigrants to visit an already over-crowded planet?

DO YOU SUFFER FROM CONSTIPATION?

‘Bloated stomach? Pain? Then try Proctor & Gamble’s new Shove It! “Oh the joy of…movement. ‘Logging’ has never been so simple! Try new Shove It and see!” Kindly consult the adjacent pie…poo chart for your poo preference!

THE CHOICE IS SIMPLE…’F**K’ OR FART!

Last night I was making love to girlfriend Julia, when, following a bout of trapped wind, I suddenly paused my love-making in order to release a long-awaited bottom burp. Julia slapped me across my face before pushing me off of her! Her objection wasn’t the fact that I’d stopped making love to her in order to fart. What Julia did however object to, was the unbridled ‘joy’ written across my face, which apparently, she hadn’t seen before!

IS YOUR DOLLY SICK?

Bearing in mind there’s always money to be made in nostalgia, I recently pitched a Hasbro toy company director to produce a 1970s-1980s, retro, paedophile politician action man doll with ‘quick-release’ trousers. The Hasbro man thought I was sick, but now I’ve heard the company has gone ahead and produced a ‘limited edition’, plastic, British political doll, and without my input, I’ve a good mind to sue in order to protect my ‘intellectual’ property rights.

THE DUSTMEN REFUSED TO EMPTY MY BROWN BIN, AGAIN!

To remind those of you without a science degree, the big, brown wheelie-bin takes everything except food and garden waste. The dustmen let me a card indicating that because I put refuse inside a plastic carrier bag, which I then placed into the brown bin, I had committed an act of vandalism beyond the pale! F**king prima donnas! They would have taken the waste and the empty plastic carrier bag, but not when one was placed inside the other! Oh come on folks, everyone knows not more than 20% of all waste collected is every recycled anyway! Boy, I can’t wait for the June ‘IN/OUT’ referendum on the EU. I’m voting to get the HELL OUT! Hey, I bet in ‘old Judea’ the Romans weren’t anywhere near so particular when it came to general waste collection!

SHOULD BRITISH MPS’ BE FORCED TO PUBLISH TAX RETURNS?

 

Should a law ever be passed forcing all Members of Parliament to publish their tax returns annually, you may well find competent, successful individuals who would wish to devote the rest of their lives to public service, dissuaded from ever standing for public office! Who would you rather see in office, individuals with little to no business experience, or people who have enjoyed successful careers in commerce? Savvy pricks! It could be argued, rich people entering Parliament would be less susceptible to corruption because they already have all the money they need? Sorry folks, from my experience, rich people can be just as greedy as the rest of us, and often, more greedy. ‘Cash’ is always king! Had the late, three-time Labour Prime Minister, Harold Wilson been forced to publish his tax returns when an MP, why he would have shit a brick! Forcing sitting MPs to disclose all their assets, all the time, would only force them to closely guard what they have, and hide it well in even more off-shore tax havens!