YOU FRIGHTEN ME…THAT DRESS!

 

insanity

Now listen, I’m all for having fun, but while many parts of the world are in upheaval, with indigenous populations facing starvation, disease and annihilation at the hands of evil monsters, a picture of a two-tone dress has gone viral…Tumblr/Twitter…prompting a fierce debate over whether it was white and gold or blue and white. Why even the BBC’s The One Show dedicated 10-minutes to it! Are you all f**king INSANE? No wonder terrorists think we’re soft targets!

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ARE BOOKS OVER-RATED?

culture vulture

Thousands of ancient and irreplaceable manuscripts spanning centuries of learning, including books registered on a UNESCO rarities list, were burned by ISIS fighters after militants raided Mosul library in Iraq! Why, because allegedly the books ‘promoted infidelity and called for disobeying Allah’, said one fighter. If memory serves, didn’t something similar occur in Nazi Germany in the 1930s? If this present wanton destruction wasn’t enough, using sledgehammers and power tools, Islamic State terrorists destroyed a collection of priceless statues and sculptures when they rampaged through the Nineveh Museum, because the works of art promoted idolatry. ISIS fighters are deluded if they think they will succeed in returning all or parts of the Middle East to the 13th century. You cannot erase history. The civilized world will not let it happen!

 

TOO QUICK ON THE DRAW!

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Former US navy officer, Christina Bond, 55, of Michigan, a champion body builder, accidently shot herself in the head while adjusting a .22 calibre pistol she kept in a bra holster! What a ridiculous waste of life, and what an equally ridiculous place to keep a gun! They say ‘guns don’t kill people, people kill people’. In this instance they’d be wrong!

IT’S A JUNGLE OUT THERE!

buffaloSurvivalist Bear Grylls in his ‘reality’ television programme ‘Mission Survive’ takes 8-celebrities into a Central American rain forest, where the winner of the competition must survive for 12-days. In the first episode, celebs each bit a chunk out of a cooked cow’s heart, and they call that living rough? I once bit down on buffalo bollocks, but while the bollocks were still attached to the buffalo! ‘Harold’ later joined the (B)LGBT community! In the second episode aired, among other things the intrepid celebs had to drink their own urine after first sterilizing it over a camp fire. Now if I had been in charge, I would have insisted the celebs drank one another’s urine! Was it a rumble in the jungle, or a rumble of the bowls?

‘BRIEF’ ENCOUNTER!

 

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Canadian politician Pat Martin, a member of the official opposition, the New Democrats, hurriedly ran out during a Parliamentary vote, claiming his new, cheap pair of underpants were too tight, thus he found it too difficult to sit for any length of time. Now I’d call that a brief encounter! Let us hope the delayed vote wasn’t one on human rights?

‘SELF-INFLICTED’ WOUNDS!

lifestyle out of stock

Despite major advances in the fight against HIV/Aids over the last 30-years or so, the infection rate amongst gay men in the UK remains high. It has been suggested, a daily pill (PrEP/pre-exposure prophylaxis) that may dramatically cut the risk of contracting HIV by a healthy gay male, should be made available FREE through the NHS as soon as possible. At £432 per month, per patient, surely it would be more cost effective to the whole of society if gay men wore condoms? I have no axe to grind either way, but as a taxpayer, and therefore a contributor to the NHS budget, I don’t see why I should pay to support someone else’s sexual lifestyle? No one pays for mine!

Pro-campaigners suggest the NHS has an ethical duty to protect men from HIV. Here we go again, Society lumbered with the responsibility of protecting an individual’s life because said individual won’t take on the responsibility himself! While expensive advanced breast cancer treatments and advanced bowel cancer treatments are often deemed too expensive to offer to dying patients, and 600 patients die in hospitals each year due to hunger and thirst, (Office of National Statistics), scientists from the Medical research Council and Public Health England advocate prescribing PrEP for free to sexually active gay men. A spokesperson for the National Aids Trust has said the very expensive drugs, made available once again by American big pharma, would pay for themselves in the long run because of the cost of treating HIV. Is this just another cop out?

In the spirit of fairness, I should admit I smoke! If God forbid I one day succumb to cancer, would I refuse expensive, free cancer drugs on moral grounds if offered to me? No, of course not, and you would be paying for my treatment! If I was an alcoholic, would I refuse an expensive, free kidney transplant, err, no! So, contracting HIV through unprotected sex is just another ‘self-inflicted’ wound, is it not? The problem is, the NHS budget will only stretch so far, and I do believe it has already reached breaking point. I suspect many of the new breed of live-saving drugs made available for a variety of deadly conditions are being offered at vastly inflated prices, ‘research & development’ not withstanding!

 

 

PARENTING IS A ‘SCIENCE’!

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We constantly read about the evil that children do, be it a young Muslim suicide bomber or a young Christian who massacres students in schools or colleges, but I’ve yet to hear their parents taking responsibility for their own bad parenting skills! Many adults these days decide to have children when they have absolutely no idea how to raise their offspring, or worse, have no intention of applying positive parenting skills. You can’t leave it to fate, or to society to instil concepts of right and wrong into your children’s psyche. Sure, parents must work, and can therefore be classed as absent parents, but the government or society cannot be held responsible for raising your children. It is your job, and if you shy away from the responsibility, then you too must be held responsible for the actions of your children. I would even go as far as to prosecute bad parents. And don’t dare blame the internet/social media/faith schools. It is your job to arm your children with a ‘moral code’ to fight the twin evils of ‘indoctrination’ and ‘radicalization’ as soon as the nurse cuts the cord! Yes I know it’s hard work, but who said raising children is supposed to be easy?

SOMEONE JUST DIED AND LEFT ME SOME MONEY!

 

bacon 1No fortune, but enough to have some bespoke clothes made. I intend to pop along to Savile Row and get measured up for a handmade bacon shirt (single cuffs), bacon underpants and three pairs of bacon socks! “To be or not to be…’best back’ or ‘streaky’, that is the question”. Obviously we’ve talking ‘dry clean’ only. Hey, no one can say I don’t have class, right? Am I behaving rasher-ly, perhaps!

TWENTY-FIRST CENTURY BREASTS!

chicken breasts

London’s Guy’s & St. Thomas’ Hospital! Three British women have undergone a revolutionary new 45-minute operation costing £6000 to fit a ‘bra’ underneath the skin in order to combat sagging breasts. The ‘internal bras’ comprise a fine, hardened, leakproof silicone cup placed under the breast tissue, and fine silk straps screwed into the patient’s ribs to lift the breast. They remain invisible under the skin and will allow women to go out into the world braless. Whatever you do girls, don’t for Christ sake sneeze! Hey, it sounds to me like an awful lot of trouble to go to for a pair of sagging breasts? They are after all designed to suckle the young, and no more. We really do make too much of a bit of muscle and milk glands! Many of us are far too self-obsessed with how we look. Women of a bygone age faced with sagging breasts merely slung them over their shoulders and carried on churning butta! If and when my man boobs begin to sag, I’ll do the same!

I DON’T WANT TO DIE FULL OF REGRET!

Field of Dreams

but I probably will! What brought on this melancholy I hear you ask? Well I just finished watching one of the most beautiful and poignant movies I’ve ever seen, and for about the tenth time! ‘Field of Dreams’, 1989, starred Kevin Costner, Ray Liotta, James Earl Jones and Burt Lancaster. For those of you who haven’t seen it, treat yourselves! It’s about a near bankrupt Iowa corn farmer (Costner), who, having had a troubled relationship with his late father, hears a voice who tells him, ‘If you build it, he will come!’ Costner’s character duly ploughs under some of his ready to harvest corn in order to build a baseball diamond, allowing all the late, great American baseball players to return from heaven to play again, including the seven players banned for life over the 1919 Black Sox Scandal. Near the end of the movie Kostner’s character gets to meets his father when the man is still in his prime, and the two men briefly bond over their love of the game.

I’ve neither played baseball, or followed the sport, however every time I watch the movie I cry over various scenes. You see I too am full of regret, and not just over my relationship with my late father, but over the numerous bad decisions I’ve made in my life. Oh wouldn’t it be wonderful, sweet, if those of us eaten up by regret could have been born with the accumulated wisdom gathered over a lifetime’s experiences, and thus avoid making those bad decisions that led to regret in the first place? Christ, the last thing I want to do is die with a tear in my eye, but with a smile on my face, but I guess this will not come to pass! They say we learn more from failure than from success, but surely it would be shrewder to learn from other people’s failures rather than from making ones of our own?

*During the 1919 World Series the Chicago White Sox lost the series to the Cincinnati Reds, and 8 White Sox players were later accused of intentionally losing games in exchange for money from gamblers. Although the 8 players were acquitted in court, they were all banned from baseball for life. It was widely believed New York racketeer Arnold Rothstein fixed the World Series, but nothing was ever proved.

*The only other great baseball movie I know of is ‘The Natural’, starring Robert Redford.

SOMETIMES IT PAYS TO THINK LATERALLY!

russian shipOver the last few years Russian nuclear bombers have encroached into British airspace a number of times, while Russian navy vessels have appeared in British waters. It is generally believed the Russian bear is testing UK armed forces response times at a time when budget restraints have forced the Ministry of Defence to ‘pear down’ our Army, Navy and Air Force. It could be argued Vladimir Putin is doing exactly what has been asked of him, by the British Government that communicated with him using those very useful political ‘back channels’. Deals are done that sometimes never get in the history books. Now that we have emerged from the worst of the austerity measures following the 2008 crash, and due to the ‘perceived’ Russian threat to our sovereignty, between now and the general election in four months time, the British Government may suddenly find the money to beef up our defences. Don’t be surprised to read of an MoD accountant who suddenly find funds that had previously languished in a forgotten about account. To truly understand the goings-on surrounding international diplomacy, sometimes it pays to think outside the box! My assessment of the above situation is probably way off, but it makes you think, doesn’t it?

WOMENS BREASTS ARE BEING ‘MARGINALISED’!

 

breastfeeding

Yes, that’s right, and according to ‘hands-on’ research done by the online journal Maternal & Child Nutrition, breastfeeding in public is still frowned upon. Mothers are made to feel ‘marginalised and ashamed’. Speaking as an adult male, watching a mother breastfeeding in public can be quite traumatizing! Why only the other day I happened upon a woman breastfeeding in a public park. It wouldn’t have been so bad had she been breastfeeding a baby, but a 14-year-old youth with a milky smile? It was a weekday and he should have been in school! I went straight home a dug out my baby pictures. Aw, I was so cute!

DRONE WARS 2!

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Over the last two nights, a total of 8 remotely operated drones (URVs) were seen flying illegally over Paris landmarks, including Place de la Concorde. Is it only a matter of time before terrorists utilise quadcopters to drop bombs on heavily populated areas and foreign embassies?

TAX AVOIDANCE VERSUS TAX EVASION!

tax evasion 1

I’ve never quite understood the difference myself, that was until I did a little bit of research!

Tax evasion is illegal. This is where a corporation or individual purposely hides income so as not to pay tax. Defrauding the Inland revenue is a criminal act if caught, and will result in heavy fines and a possible prison sentence. On the other hand, tax avoidance is quite legal. This is a means of structuring your finances in order to take advantage of existing tax law, which leaves you paying little or no tax at all.

Clear? Well not to me! As the government closes legal loopholes to prevent the very rich and very famous avoid paying tax, the act becomes one of evasion. There is a vast grey area between the two types of non-payment of tax, which is often tested in the courts, when a judge makes a ruling, often turning avoidance into evasion! So what is legal on a Monday becomes illegal on a Wednesday!

Political parties rely on regular, large political donations from very rich tax evaders/avoiders…individuals, companies, accountancy firms and hedge fund managers…in order to balance Party books and fights elections. If you squeeze donors too hard by closing their off-shore money boxes, political donations will inevitably dry up! You might say, ‘so what?’ I’ll tell you ‘so what!’ The taxpayer…you and I…may one day be forced to fund political parties, and I don’t like the sound of that!

CHOCOLATE IS NOW ‘GOOD FOR YOU’!?!

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Ladies & gentlemen, do you want to smooth out your wrinkles and increase blood flow to your skin, then you might want to trying eating Esthechoc, the world’s first  beauty chocolate, after all, a radiant complexion might save you going under the knife and still get you the man or woman of your dreams! Developed from original research by scientists at Cambridge University, the new wonder chocolate bar made by Lycotec promises visible improvements within 3-weeks, perhaps sooner if you were to melt it before rubbing it into your face or turkey neck rather than eating it? Each 7.5 gram bar contains 72% of cocoa, yet only has 32 calories. Compare this with one square of a 45 gram bar of Cadbury’s Dairy Milk which contains 240 calories. What is more interesting is the ‘fact’ each 7.5 gram bar of Esthechoc allegedly contains as much anti-inflammatory astaxanthin as a 300 gram serving of salmon. F**king nirvana!

Now look here, speaking as a lifelong chocoholic, I really do object to scientists hijacking, yes, hijacking my favourite ‘luxury’ food and repackaging it as a skin treatment that ‘supposedly’ banishes wrinkles. Some things are sacrosanct and should not be messed around with. Christ all f**king mighty, chocolate, in solid or liquid form should be taken purely for the purposes of pleasure and nothing else! Oh God, I do hope the health benefit rumours of eating Esthechoc aren’t spreading, otherwise I might be forced to take holy orders!