“IS IT SAFE?” (MARATHON MAN,1976)

Hundreds of former dental patients from the Daybrook Dental Surgery in Nottingham, are to be tested for HIV or hepatitis after ‘unhygienic’ dentist Desmond D’Mello was accused of ignoring infection control rules by using a toilet as a storage room for dental equipment that may not have been sterilised prior to use, and for allegedly failing to change gloves between patients. Over 32-years, D’Mello treated 22,000 patients, and 166 in a three-day period alone! Best to look on the bright side. I mean, it could have been worse, Desmond D’Mello might have qualified not as a dentist, but as a…proctologist! “Now open wide!”

LONGEVITY…RUSSIAN STYLE!

Russian scientists at the Moscow State University claim to have the ability to slow down the aging process, allowing us to reach 120 and beyond! They say they have discovered an antioxidant that impacts on mitochondria, which is blamed for heart attacks, Alzheimer’s and Parkinson’s Disease. I can certainly see the benefits of living to 120 in parts of the West, but seriously, who in Russia would want to live past 100? I am reminded what Lee Strasberg’s character Hyman Roth said to Al Pacino’s character Michael Corleone in Godfather 2, ‘Good health is money in the bank!’

SOWING THE ‘SEEDS’ OF DISCONTENT!

Moon (Photo credit: shahbasharat)

NASA is determined to find out whether humans (you & me) could live on the moon by planning an experiment to explore whether plants can be grown in the harsh lunar environment. Aided by the Lunar Plant Growth Habitat team, the U.S. space agency plans on sowing its first seeds in specially designed canisters containing everything that is needed for the seedlings to thrive. Lift off, 2015, and that’s when they will discover whether gravity and radiation will affect plant growth. Cannabis and hashish seeds are particularly robust…err…at least that’s what I’ve heard! No doubt the Nasa team will bump into members of the Chinese Space Agency who plan to grow rice on the surface of the moon. Even MacDonald’s is planning to open a restaurant up there in order to take advantage of the mass migration from Earth, to the Moon. If you ask me, it can’t come soon enough! Why you can’t even fart in public these days without someone trying to sue you citing the 1996 Noise Act!

NORFOLK, ENGLAND…THE CRADLE OF CIVILIZATION!?!

Having unearthed a series of stone tools and fossilised animal remains that have been dated to I million years ago on the Manor Caravan Park in Happisburgh, Norfolk, excited scientists now believe early humans created their first settlement at the coastal site – which lies north-east of Norwich. It has been postulated the artefacts belonged to either the Homo antecessor or Homo erectus species…small brained hunters and suspect cannibals. So please, no more jokes about incest and Norfolk folk all being related, for it would now appear Norfolk was the cradle of our civilization! Since the UK coastline continues to crumbled like bad mortar, it is even likely human remains of our ancestors will one day be discovered. Since Sabre-toothed cats, mammoths and bison once roamed ancient Briton, it would seem our ancestors had all the take-away food they could eat, chasing it all the way to Germany if they had to, for Kent was connected to Germany by land at that time.

MARIJUANA PLANT…THAT ‘HARDY’ PERENNIAL!

A couple went for a romantic stroll in Epping Forest, Essex, in search of edible mushrooms, when they were alerted to the unmistakable, pungent aroma of…profit, or rather, cannabis! Upon further investigation they came upon 70, cultivated marijuana plants covering a 20-square metre patch of ground. Well, what a ‘stink’ the discovery has caused, for in place were plans to level that part of the forest in order to build 500 starter homes for first time buyers who could never afford to keep up their mortgages, always assuming they could get home loans in the first place. Since the discovery of the hardy perennial, English Heritage have deemed the site an ‘area of significant national importance’. Attempts by private developers to ‘break ground’ must therefore be delayed until the usual brown envelopes have done their rounds!

UK CANNABIS FARMS!

Cannabis sativa plant (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

According to the Independent Drug Monitoring Unit, a staggering half a million people in the UK are running secret cannabis farms in their homes. Well, this must explain the excessive profits energy companies are posting! An explosion in production of the drug means hundreds of thousands of suburban houses have been converted into hidden marijuana factories. “Excuse me officer…but it is for medicinal purposes only…I suffer from arthritis!” The booming industry is fuelled by gangs switching from hard drugs such as cocaine and heroin because of the more lenient penalties for cannabis provided one grows fewer than ten plants in a single property. So when cannabis is eventually legalised in the UK, as I’m sure it will be, growers can look forward to completing online tax returns!

Apparently only nine plants is enough to net around £40,000 a year. Blimey, I’ll have to kick out my lodger and replace him with plants! The ‘hydroponics’ kit  included tents, lights and ventilation systems, which increase the yield and strength of the drug can be yours for as little as £400. I’ll have to check out Amazon & eBay!

Of course its a whole different ball game if you go ‘industrial’ and grow industrial strength ‘skunk’ which it is claimed can cause serious mental problems. Police in London seized cannabis worth £2.6million in a single month of raids in August and made more than 350 related arrests. Scotland Yard said it shut down 37 marijuana factories and recovered more than 2,700 plants, alongside vast amounts of cash and weapons. Meanwhile, police are investigating claims that bags of cannabis were left in a hire van used by officers to transport them from the scene of a drug seizure! The forces of ‘law & disorder’ just can’t catch a break!

HINDU GOD ‘SHIVA’ GETS HIGH ON CANNABIS…ALLEGEDLY!

English: Sculpture of Shiva in copper alloy from India (Tamil Nadu). Dimensions: 30 x 22 1/2 x 7 in. Circa 950-1000. Dim :76.20 x 57.15 x 17.78 cm. Art of the Chola dynasty (IXe -XIIIe c.) Français: Sculpture de Shiva dans un alliage de cuivre en provenance du Tamil Nadu (Inde). Circa 950-1000. Dimensions : 76.20 x 57.15 x 17.78 cm. Art Chola (IXe -XIIIe s.) (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Mrs Katarzyna Dryden-Chouen, 46, and her husband Clive, 60, had been accused of making £277,000 by dealing cannabis over a six year period. Police alleged that almost £13,000 found in their home in Littledean, Gloucestershire, was also the proceeds of drug dealing. But Mrs Dryden-Chouen, who is originally from Poland, and by the way, claims to have a talking pet mouse…I kid you not…insisted that apart from what she and her husband smoked, the cannabis was to be burnt as a religious sacrifice. In her defence…at Gloucester Crown Court…Mrs D-C claimed she grew the cannabis to sacrifice to the Hindu god Shiva because the world was about to end. Would you believe the woman defence of ‘growing cannabis for religious purposes’ was accepted by the jury? Mrs D-C has been cleared of intending to supply the drug and money laundering? Boy, if ever I cross swords with the forces of law & disorder…I want Mrs D-C’s lawyer! What more can I say, apart from…well shiver me timbers…Shiva’s gonna be one happy God!

CANNABIS FACTORY WHERE YOU WOULDN’T EXPECT TO FIND ONE!

English: The Circus, Bath (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

A cannabis factory has been discovered at one of Britain’s most exclusive addresses. You don’t say? Police found drugs, growing equipment, lights and compost hidden behind a wardrobe in a basement in The Circus, Bath, a Grade I listed Georgian building completed in 1768, and where houses sell for up to £4 million smackers. So, not so much a cannabis factory, more of a pied-à-terre perhaps? Frankly anyone who lives in a Grade 1 listed building knows only too well you can’t opt for a change of usage from private domicile to commercial premises without full local authority permission. What a shocking lapse of etiquette! Incidentally, The Circus, Bath, where is where Jane Austin once lived, wrote and may have smoked, but not necessarily cannabis. Why even actor Nicholas Cage once lived there…you know, the star of Face Off, but not Off Your Face. I wonder if number 33 has a royal warrant hanging outside of it, next to a warning notice to tradesmen,  ‘No farting please, this is an upper class crescent! Deliver your provisions and f**k off swiftly and silently!’ 

THE GERMAN CANNABIS CONSPIRACY!

While the rest of Europe has succumbed to either a slowdown or a dip in growth, the UK’s Office of National Statistics has revealed Britain has enjoyed slightly stronger than expected growth in the last quarter, 0.8%. On an annualised basis growth was at 3.2%. It is quite natural for Chancellor Angela Merkel to feel somewhat humiliated, after all, it is the German manufacturing powerhouse that traditionally drives the Euro engine!  It has come as no surprise that I’ve discovered a secret German plan to scupper our nation’s GDP (Gross Domestic Product). The German Chancellery intends exporting to Britain cannabis-infused edible underwear, cannabis-infused under-arm deodorant and cannabis smoothies. Huh, you think we’re going to fall for that one! UK industry is driven by Eastern European economic migrants who work for next to nothing. Few wear underwear, none apply underarm-deodorant, and to most, a ‘smoothie’ is a shorn sheepdog!

ARE YOU AFRAID OF THE DARK?

I’m an adult, and I am…scared of the dark and what could be lurking in it! Monsters from another realm with no manners. Soul-stealing bastards that can’t even be bothered to say ‘please’ or ‘thank you’. I don’t care what you say, there’s no excuse for bad manners! Ghosts, phantoms, poltergeists ready to turn my home upside down right after I’ve done the Spring cleaning! Don’t you hate that? Have you ever been alone in the dark and heard a strange noise? Did you shit yourself too? When I retire for the night I always make sure my chair is pointed towards my laptop, otherwise an unfriendly ghost might decide to sit in it, facing me. Why if it wasn’t for my martial art skills I might be even more frightened of the dark than I am, although thinking about it, a fat lot of good karate chopping a non-corporeal being will do me!

 

 

FARTING NEWS!

Malcolm Gill, 46, who racially abused a police officer in Huddersfield police station, and who then spun around and farted not once, but twice in the officer’s face, has been landed with an 18-week jail term for breaching a 12-month community order by failing to turn to appointments and to court. The ‘abused’ officer who has already had 3-months off work, claiming stress and a burst eardrum, is suing West Yorkshire Police Constabulary for breaching health & safety conditions in the workplace. Talk about ‘breaking really bad!’

Frenchman Christian Poincheval, 65, has invented a pill that makes our farts smell of chocolate, and is available from his website: http://www.pilulepet.com. Made entirely from natural ingredients, the range extends to rose and violet scented fart pills too! One would have thought Monsieur Poincheval would have produced a scented fart pill for use by compulsive liars. Ah yes, the smell of bullshit! Of course you can do away with the necessity of scented fart pills by simply…washing yourself!

 

UNNATURAL SEX!

Well folks, it’s official…whereas 49% of Britons claim to believe in God, 51% of the population say they believe in the supernatural, specifically, ghosts, ghouls, wraiths, spectres, demons, phantoms and poltergeists! Personally? Well, having dated several ghosts, ghouls, wraiths etcetera, it is the Lord’s name I call out when I find myself in trouble! Have you any idea how difficult it is to kick a spectre out of bed when all you want is a good nights sleep? Anyway, don’t be so quick to judge me when discussing my social sexual partners. The advantages in making love to non-corporeal entities are numerous! One can enjoy as much unprotected sex as one likes without the risk of catching a sexually transmitted infection, and you are unlikely to ever receive a letter from the Child Support Agency demanding ‘money with menaces’. Furthermore, you would be ill-advised to take any of you non-corporeal dates home to meet the mother, for I very much doubt a potential dead bride would be welcomed into the family!

 

GREAT BIG GALAXY ASSHOLE WILL ERUPT THIS YEAR!

Black Hole in the universe (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Sorry amegos…I meant of course a giant BLACKHOLE. It is said a huge eruption lit up the skies on our planet two million years ago, would have been witnessed by our ancestors, homo erectus, on the plains of Africa. Kindly keep my homo erectus out of it!
Scientists have found the first evidence of this “huge explosion” of radiation from the supermassive black hole (huh, that small!)  four million times the mass of our sun – a faint glow in a cloud of gas millions of miles from the black hole itself. I know all about a faint whiff of gas!

Now don’t panic folks, but scientists claim there could be another black hole eruption this f**king year, so avoid any motorway driving unless you’ve got traction control! The boffins have been monitoring a cloud and predict that it will fall into the black hole at some point in 2014. It will pose no threat to Earth…where have I heard that before…but several powerful stethoscopes…telescopes will be trained on outer space. The conclusive evidence of the explosion comes from a lacy filament of gas, mostly hydrogen, called the Magellanic Stream. Yeah, I once caught a salmon there! Anyway, the gas trails behind our galaxy’s two small companion galaxies, the Large and Small Magellanic Clouds.

Black hole…I say this to you! If you’re going to blow, then blow…but don’t be such a prick teaser!

EVEN A FREEDOM FIGHTER CAN HAVE A BAD HAIR DAY!

 

Following the report Jamie Read and James Hughes flew to Syria to help Kurdish forces defend the besieged city of Kobani from ISIS, it should be remembered you don’t actually have to take up arms against terrorists to make a difference. You can just as easily take up…a pair of scissors to make a contribution! Last August Mama Kurda, 26, a hairdresser from Croydon joined Kurdish forces to fight ISIS in Iraq! There is no reason you can’t look your best when you go into battle, after all, you really don’t know who you’re going to meet. “Love the hair man!”

DOCTOR DEATH, COME IN PLEASE!

Patient pressure groups have called for NHS Trusts to release surgeon death rate figures, presumably so that you can choose a surgeon to operate on you who will give you a better than average chance of survival! Firstly, death rate figures alone may be viewed as worthless. Some surgeons take on particular cases that generally have a higher than normal mortality rate (teaching hospitals), where other surgeons would refuse to operate (general hospital). Secondly, how many patients initially survive an operation, only to die from poor post-operative care? Who is to blame, the surgeon? Thirdly, if a patient is rushed to hospital for a life-saving operation, following say a road traffic accident, full of strong painkillers, and falling in and out of consciousness, patient ‘X’ is hardly in any condition to enquire into the duty surgeon’s competence or review data! The chances are there is only one surgeon on duty at any one time who can repair fractures. There is a further call for ‘bad’ surgeons to be struck off! What’s wrong with retraining them? Fourthly, do remember, life is a lottery!