I HAD A DREAM, AND IT WAS DELICIOUS!

A blood test for everyone…The only sure check – NARA – 513716 (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Following an urgent telephone call I went to my doctor in order to receive the results of my recent blood test in person.

“Now I don’t want you to panic but I have some rather grave news for you,” she said. “Perhaps you had better sit,” so I did. In order to break the news gently the woman placed a hand on my knee before continuing. “The blood test has revealed a dangerously LOW cholesterol level. I urge you to eat more pastries!” Leaving the surgery I discovered that I had the biggest erection of my life!

‘DON’T’ BURN AFTER READING!

Rep. Jim Moran (D-VA) (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Present day– Guantanamo Bay Detention Centre, U.S. Naval Base, Cuba. According to visiting Democratic Representative of Virginia, U.S. congressman Jim Moran, the ‘FIFTY SHADES OF VENETIAN BLINDS’...err, GREY’ trilogy of erotic novels by British  author E. L. James are the most requested books by the 166 detainees. Apparently the Koran doesn’t even come close in popularity. Camp ‘7’ houses a dozen ‘high-value’ prisoners, including five men charged with plotting the September 11 attacks in  2001.

Other popular reads are Star Trek novelizations, Agatha Christie mysteries, stress reduction workbooks and the  Greek classic ‘The Odyssey’. ‘The Hunger Games,’  too is popular, but not among those who are on hunger strike. Honestly, doesn’t anyone read CHARLES DICKENS any more?

BENEFIT CHEAT GIVEN 161 YEARS TO REPAY £57,000!

Mother-of-four, 50-year-old Sandra Kelwick of Chesterfield, Derbyshire pocketed the money for more than five years, claiming income support, housing and council tax benefits by pretending she was single. She even moved in her lover, who worked, but failed to tell the authorities. The judge at Derby Crown Court ordered the fraudster to pay back the cash at the rate of £13.70 a fortnight, meaning she would have to live to 211 to repay her debt. One might think Kelwick had the last laugh, however with advances in medical science many senior citizens are living well past their expected sell-by-dates. Perhaps Sandra Kelwick will too?

IS SOMEONE KILLING UFO INVESTIGATORS?

According to Professor G. Cope Schellhorn someone has been systematically liquidating UFO investigators, or UFOlogists! Between 1947 and today, 137 of them have died, and apparently in suspicious circumstances…shot, poisoned, strangled, heart attacks, suspicious fact-acting cancers, drug overdoses, carbon monoxide poison and electrocution. The lifespan of ufologists appears to fall short of the national average. Furthermore, between 12th November 2001 and 25th March 2002 (5 months) ten of the world’s leading microbiologists have died too! Now what are the odds on that?

If there is any truth in the above, one must reluctantly assume we are not alone, and haven’t been for quite some time! My only experience of an encounter with a possible extra terrestrial…other than that time I was abducted by Mr Grey, Mrs Grey and the two little Greys… was on the occasion I overheard a weird-looking being with a f**king great goitre attached to his neck ask the manager of a Primark clothing store whether he had any three-legged trousers! At the time I assumed the creature was the proud owner of a robust erection, but looking back on it, well it could have been a third leg I suppose? I should have smelled a rat when the goitre started emitting strange radio bursts that interfered with the reception on my hearing aid. It didn’t occur to me the goitre numbers I overheard could have been landing coordinates because this is England, and here there’s nowhere to f**king park!

OH HOW EMBARRASSING…WHITE HOUSE PETITION DEMANDING ALASKA SECEDE BACK TO rUSSIA!

Vlad ‘the impaler’ Putin must be a very popular man indeed! First he takes back the Crimea region of the Ukraine with barely a shot being fired and with the full support of the Russian indig pop, and now 30,000 Putin supporters have signed an online petition calling for the state of Alaska to secede back to the Russian Federation. But what is so embarrassing about that I hear you ask? Well, the petition for secession is on non other than the White House website! What a public relations coup indeed!  

Unfortunately it the situation could get even more embarrassing for the US Administration, for should the online petition reach 100,000 signatures in 30 days, the White House must officially comment on the proposal. The petition is set to run until 20 April.

*The state of Alaska, which was purchased from Russia in 1867 for a sum of $7.2 million, officially became part of the Union in 1959.

MICHEAL O’LEARY OF RYANAIR IS AT IT AGAIN!

English: I Took This Photo (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Having failed in his bid to get away with charging passengers £1:00 to take a crap on board a Ryanair jet, Mr O’Leary now intends to turn his jets into FLYING BILLBOARDS. Yes, you too can advertise on Ryanair’s inner and outer winglets or on a plane’s front and rear fuselage, but you have to commit to a yearly contract. Ryanair boss O’Leary may have been seen as a money-grabber in the past, but no longer. As recently just last Monday he turned down one company’s request to advertise for FIVE YEARS on the outside of his jets. ‘STEPTON & CLEAVER FUNERAL ARRANGERS,’ who claim never to make a drama out of a crisis!

UPDATED: 02/08/2013.

IAG, the owner of airlines BA and Iberia, as it reports a half-year pre tax loss of 506m euros (£442m) in the six months to June. If advertising on the sides of planes catches on, no doubt IAG Chief executive Willie Walsh will jump on the bandwagon!

UPDATED:11/08/13.

RYANAIR staff have been told to increase the company’s profits by avoiding giving change back to passengers when selling them items from the trolley. ‘Sorry, no change left!’

UPDATED: 13/08/13.

Ryanair has apologised for the “inappropriate and incorrect” letter it sent to bereaved son Doug Parsons, refusing a refund of £230:00 airfare for his now deceased mother Beryl who died in June after a long struggle with cancer, because the death was “not within 28 days of travel.” Only after adverse publicity has the matter been resolved.

UPDATED: 12/09/13.

For $349:00 your dog can learn to fly. Air Hollywood offers a real fuselage with a simulator that mimics take-off, turbulence and landing in an effort to becalm bad doggie travellers. I hear on the grapevine that in an effort to cut costs to the bone, notorious Ryanair boss Michael O’Leary is hoping to take Air Hollywood’s offer even further. Mr O’Leary is looking into the possibility of actually training dogs to fly his planes. They work cheap and won’t join a union!

JELLYFISH…FRIEND OR FOE?

English: Phyllorhiza punctata Lendenfeld, 1884 Category:Phyllorhiza punctata Category:Marine life of Haiti (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

According to the Marine Conservation Society, the warm weather has attracted swarms of JELLYFISH to British shores. The British RED CROSS has said ‘don’t pee on a jellyfish sting,’ because it DOESN’T WORK! Seawater or vinegar is best. What’s really best, is don’t do in the WATER! I don’t want to get bitten by a shark or be stung by a f**king jellyfish. Nor do I wish to swallow untreated sewage! I’m a landlubber, and I’m staying a landlubber!

SOFTCORE PORN VERSUS HARDCORE PORN…DO YOU KNOW THE DIFFERENCE?

 

It has been brought to my attention over 200,000 British children regularly view hardcore pornography. Since I was unable to log onto my favourite site last night I can only assume the little beggars are all viewing it at the same time! But seriously, what is the distinction between regular softcore porn and irregular hardcore porn? Well I suppose it’s the difference between using regular whipped cream to your partner’s dermis and applying irregular calorific terrific Cornish clotted cream?

The other day a friend of mine handed me a DVD with instructions to view it in private. It turned out to be, yes, you guessed it, a sex tape entitled ‘Toss in the d’Urbervilles’. By the time I got to the end of it, I was shocked and disgusted. My auntie Jane didn’t even get a mention in the final credits despite the fact her role was integral to the plot! Still, those 30 years of practising yoga certainly paid off!

SOMEONE’S HAVING A WHALE OF A TIME!

A Cuvier’s beaked whale has set a new deep diving record for a sea mammal by plunging nearly two miles beneath the ocean surface off the coast of southern California without the benefit of oxygen tanks! ‘Derek’s’ new free diving record will eventually find its way into the Guinness Book of World Records once the Guinness invigilator recovers from the bends. Meanwhile Derek the Cuvier’s whale has secured an agent and a sponsorship deal with Nike. Nothing to blubber about there then! You know I once suffered from decompression sickness when a girlfriend attempted to drown me in her Whirlpool 2 person Twin Spa Luxury Corner Jacuzzi Bath! So the next time your ‘beloved’ asks you ‘does my ass look big’, lie!

SCHOOL VOUCHERS FROM SUPERMARKETS!

 

When paying for my food at Sainsbury’s supermarket the cashier always asks me whether I collect school vouchers. I consistently decline the offer despite the fact I don’t know what the vouchers represent. After all these years I finally asked!  ‘You hand them in to your children’s school in order for the vouchers to be registered. Once the school has accumulated several thousand voucher points, they can redeem them, putting the points towards school equipment like metal detectors for the school entrance and secure steel boxes in which to hold confiscated knives and cans of pepper spray.’ Clearly the cashier didn’t like children either!

 

 

GIVE ME YOUR CAR KEYS!

English: crown court liverpool (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Some  £700 million a year is spent on legal aid for Crown Court cases, and the government understandably would like some of it back. A defendant facing trial at the Crown Court  automatically qualifies for legal aid, but under the Crown Court ‘Means Testing’ scheme, a  financial assessment is then carried out to decide if the defendant should be asked to pay a contribution towards their defence costs. Criminals who refuse to pay their legal aid  bills will have their cars seized by the government and sold. Offenders who have been judged capable of repaying their legal costs currently owe the taxpayer more than  £30million. Cars will be seized and sold off in  Government auctions. The Legal Aid Agency will be able to apply to the  courts for Motor Vehicle Orders from today.

Successful criminals aren’t generally fools. Few of the luxury cars they travel in will be in their names. They will be in company names, or in the names of third parties. Very few cars will be seized. The scheme will end up costing more than the value of the autos seized, and the government knows this, but it must be seen to be doing something. Another PR exercise me thinks!

PERSONAL INJURY LAWYERS ADVERTISING IN HOSPITALS!

English: NHS logo (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Forty NHS trusts in England are allowing personal injury lawyers to advertise within their hospital wards and A&E departments despite the Government condemning the practice as unacceptable, a Sky News investigation has found.

Some hospitals are receiving up to £112,000 a year to let solicitors display posters and other promotional material to encourage patients to seek compensation for their injuries. Well, well, well, I find this most interesting. Never having been into hospital myself, I didn’t know the practice existed. I suppose it’s less exhausting than chasing ambulances!

 

It is one thing for a lawyer to represent a person who has been knocked down in the street by say, a dangerous driver, but doesn’t the practice of ‘touting’ for business in hospital wards lead to an increase in financial claims against the very hospital that carries the advertisement? Ah yes, compensation claims AGAINST the NHS rose by 20% last year, to the tune of  £1.2bn.

Many trusts say they are now unable to break out of contracts signed with the law firms without a financial penalty. The Sky News investigation found that some of the contracts with legal advertisers run for 10 years, and most were entered into AFTER the initial Government guidance to steer clear of the practice. It seems to me the NHS hospitals are paying out FAR MORE than they rake in from advertising revenue, but wasn’t this foreseeable? Frankly, I’m somewhat surprised that lawyers weren’t allowed to advertise IN operating theatres!

It is grossly unfair that NHS staff and management should have to walk a tightrope. There is risk in any surgical procedure, and the risk is yours!

HOW TO PREVENT AN INCREASE IN TEENAGE PREGNANCIES?

Apparently the way to go is to make the morning after pill more readily available to teenage girls in schools and doctors surgeries! Will that not encourage young girls to behave more promiscuously? Will not boyfriends put girls under even greater pressure to sleep with them? Will not an increase in the number of vulnerable, immature girls having unprotected sex lead to an increase in recorded cases of sexually transmitted infections? Vaginas shouldn’t be ‘open all hours’!

EDUCATION ON THE CHEAP!

Education Secretary Michael Gove intends allowing unqualified teachers into the classroom provided they have recognised skill sets. Ask yourself this, how on earth will an unqualified teacher be able to stick to the syllabub…syllabus, after all, there is no substitute for experience! It is no wonder there was a recent one-day national strike by the members of the National Union of Teachers!

 

LATEST ON GERMAN ‘BISHOP OF BLING’!

Following Bishop Franz-Peter Tebartz-van Elst’s October 2013 suspension from his Limburg Diocese for spending £26million on his new residence, which included a bowling alley and a disco, Pope Francis has now permanently removed the Bishop of Bling from his former exalted position. It remains to be seen whether the former bish will get to keep his gold-plated pension or whether it will be replaced by a solid gold pension! Apparently the man extravagancies extended to lace toilet paper edged with gold filigree. Boy, Tebartz-van Elst sure knew how to live!