‘HONEY’, I’M HOME…BEE RUSTLING!

In recent years honey bees have been somewhat conspicuous by their absence! Could the use to pesticides be the cause of the mystery of the disappearing honey bee? In any event, apiarists the world over are all dressed up with nowhere to go! The value of existing bee stocks cannot be underestimated! And the sting in the tail…thieves have been making a very nice living indeed by stealing entire stocks! Why only the other day, 45,000 bees were stolen in Craichie by Forfar, in Angus, Scotland. In fact, hive thefts are occurring worldwide, from Scotland, to London, to California and Peru, but what can you and I do about it…not much, just don’t take bees for granted! Bees are after all one of the unsung heroes of the food chain, and really quite essential in the process of polonization. Gentlemen, the next time you buy a bunch of flowers in order to placate your better half, and one for your mistress, spare a thought for the humble honey bee…and don’t whatever you do, kill one!

‘SPACED OUT’…INTERSTELLAR TRAVEL!

The Kepler observatory was launched on March 7, 2009 aboard a Delta II rocket from  Cape Canaveral Air Force Station, Florida. The Kepler telescope that can see further than any previous telescope, and in infra-red, is searching for extra-terrestrial life and habitable planets that Man might one day reach! Why in the last six years the Kelper observatory has recorded hundreds of new planets, several of which are believed to be in what is known as the ‘habitable zone’, planets with earth-like atmosphere and liquid water, as opposed to ice or steam. My question is this…is the Kepler telescope little more than a f**king prick teaser?  Kepler 69c, in the constellation of Cygnus is approximately 1000 light years (ly) away. Hypothetically, if you travelled at light speed (186,000 mps) it would take you 1000 years to reach the planet, and that’s without stopping to pick up hitchhikers, for travelling at light speed, you would cover one LY for every one Earth year.

Remaining in the here and now, the fastest outward-bound spacecraft yet sent, Voyager 1, has covered 1/600th of a light-year in 30 years and is currently moving at 1/18,000th the speed of light. At this rate, a journey to Proxima Centauri would take 80,000 years.

Man hopes to land on Mars within 30 or so years. At the farthest point, The Red Planet is 401,000,000 kilometres from earth, or .0000422 light years away. At the nearest point? 55,000,000 km from Earth. Now depending upon speed of launch and alignment of Earth to Mars, it will take anywhere between 150 to 300 days to reach it, and Mars isn’t even half a light year away! Even aided by new technology…new propulsion systems…there will always be a limit to the speed man can travel at! Forget suspended animation. Forget antimatter. Forget travelling through worm holes. Pure science fantasy!

LONG-TERM UNEMPLOYED GET IT IN THE NECK!

New rules pertaining to the long-term unemployed means, in order to continue to receive unemployment benefit they must either turn up to a local job centre every day, or, commit to sixth-months of voluntary work which will involve tending parks, public gardens, picking up litter in streets and cleaning war memorials! Out…f**king…rageous! Honestly, how do you expect the long-term unemployed to get out of bed?  There is a lot to be said for…tradition!

HOW TO GET AHEAD…BRIBE A TEACHER!

According to Tatler magazine’s ‘Tatler’s School Guide’, competitive gift-giving by parents to teachers in private UK prep schools is getting out of control! Whether end-of-term luxury gifts are intended to encourage teachers to spend more time with particular children, or grade them higher than they would do so normally, wealthy parents are unwilling to solely rely upon their off-spring self-reliance and hard graft. Gifts include; Use of private jet, use of use of luxury villa, vintage wine, Savile Row suits, £1000 handbags, £1000 hampers, theatre tickets, gold & diamond cufflinks, iPads, trips to Marrakesh, trips to Egyptian pyramids, cocaine, use of family vibrator, vouchers to colonic irrigation centres, free anal bleach, free use of male & female strippers, S & M paraphernalia, free Botox, free breast implants, (the better the grades, the bigger the implants). One would have thought, at the commencement of a new term, teachers who had benefited from luxury gifts being stuffed down their throats, would be too exhausted or sore to actually teach effectively?

GUNS DON’T KILL PEOPLE, ‘PEOPLE’ KILL PEOPLE!

Oh really, tell that to the grieving relatives of the innocent victims of gunshot wounds! It is estimated that America has the best armed civil population in the world, with approximately 270 million firearms in private hands. That’s 89 weapons for every 100 residents! The Second Amendment to the United States Constitution protects the right of individuals to keep and bear arms. It is not surprising the National Rifle Association (NRA) is one of the top three most influential lobbying groups in Washington, and has a membership surpassing 5 million. Meanwhile, advocates of the notion that the best way to counter gun violence in America is to allow more citizens to carry weapons to more places, including bars, churches, schools and airports, must be positively ecstatic at hearing the news regarding a new law passed in the state of Georgia, called the ‘carry anywhere’ bill! The Safe Carry protection Act was signed into law by Georgia’s Republican Governor, Nathan Deal.

Can you imagine walking into the confessional booth in Georgia to demand absolution of your sins? ‘Forgive me father…or face the consequences!’ Or, ‘Mom, I can’t wear that wedding dress…it doesn’t match my assault rifle!’  Did you know that in certain parts of America, the slogan ‘Bazooka that Verruca’, refers to a real bazooka! No doubt the new must have gift at a baby shower is a six-barreled, 6000 rounds per minute Minigun for a mini person, after all, you’re never too young to finger a trigger, right? There is nothing more dangerous than an emotionally retarded individual with a below average IQ carrying a lethal weapon! I’d say,‘ Don’t shoot the messenger’, but you just might!

THE FINAL FRONTIER, LAND GRAB…MARS!

 

Speaking at ‘Humans to Mars’ summit in Washington, Nasa chief Charles Bolden said: ‘If the human race is to survive, we need to be a multi-planet species’. I’d like to know exactly what Mr Bolden meant? Is he referring to our spirit of adventure? Because we can, we must, go to Mars that is? If not, Man’s spirit will die? Was the gentleman’s bold statement in reference to our propensity to eating our way through Earth supply of natural resources while continuing to procreate at an alarming rate? I understood GM foods would fill our mouths with vittles, so why the panic? Does our co-existence with ‘nature’ have something to do with the delicate eco-system? Is Mr Bolden referring to our complete and inevitable decimation through nuclear war, or the acceleration in the numbers of meteorites striking Earth? What of the likelihood of disease wiping Man out? Might Ebola break out of Africa, or necrotizing fasciitis break out of hospitals and into mainstream society? Will a Martian colony separate itself from the constraints of Religion and the Immoralities of Man? I think in all likelihood, Mr Bolden made his statement in order to bolster his position and Nasa’s budget! Yes, it would be nice to go to the Red Planet, but there is no necessity to go there!

FANCY A MASSAGE…A STATISTICAL MASSAGE?

Hoorah, crime in England and Wales has fallen to its lowest level for 33 years! Amazing isn’t it, what a carefully placed fingertip on a computer keyboard can do? That’s one hell of a massage, a statistical massage that is! Now look here, anyone with half a brain knows that crime in general is one of the only growth industries in Britain! The crime is, in not accurately reporting it! Meanwhile, London courts have the lowest conviction rates in the country! I bet next year (just before the general erection), the Crime Survey in England and Wales will report there is no crime…that it has been eradicated, and that we’re just all good neighbours who spend our spare time undertaking charitable acts!

Following the Crime Survey in England and Wales, it has just been revealed by another report, this time by the Inspectorate of Constabulary (HMIC), that a fifth of crimes…one million offences…could be going unrecorded by police in a single year, including several rapes! Unfortunately, when it comes to learning the truth about anything, you cannot rely upon figures released by government departments or their affiliates. A rule of thumb? Always believe in the opposite to that which is printed. A sad truth indeed!

BUDDHA…DEPORTED!

Sri Lanka deported a female British tourist for having a tattoo of Buddha on her arm, which a court decided was an insult to the island’s main religion! It was just as well the tourist didn’t have Buddha tattooed on her ass, now that would have been…insensitive me thinks! On the other hand, didn’t Gautama Buddha, according to legend spend an inordinate amount of time sitting on his own ass in silent meditation?

SUPPORT GROUP FOR UFO VICTIMS!

Have you ever been abducted by aliens/extraterrestrials? Do you claim to have hybrid alien children? Have you ever been taken for a ride on a vehicle with no sides and no windows? On the 31st of May this year more than 1000 ‘contactees’ intend meeting at AMMACH (Anomalous Mind Management Contactee Helpline) in Hastings, England. During the conference individuals close encounter experiences will be will be opened up for discussion. It is claimed 1%-3% of the population have experienced alien intervention!

It would be easy to ridicule members of AMMACH, but in the age of the internet it is often difficult to sift through newsworthy stories in order to determine the truth. Sophisticated government spin means you do not know what to believe, which is exactly how our leaders like it! Personally, I don’t believe. Why? Everyone and his dog carries a cell phone, yet no one has managed to take a selfie with an alien, nor has a single parking ticket ever been issued to an alien spacecraft! I rest my case, a case by the way made of a substance that does not appear on the periodic table!

A GRAVE CONCERN…

to me is the fact that some British cemeteries must provide ‘super-sized’ burial plots measuring 9×8 feet for fat people who were unable to keep their eating habits under control when alive. “Sorry, graveyard full…of fat people!” So it’s extra-wide ambulances, extra-wide mortuary tables, extra-wide coffins and extra-wide graves!  Jeez, by the time I die I expect my moral remains will be relegated to a burial at sea!

HAVE YOU EVER PAID FOR SEX?

Former UK Tory minister Caroline Spelman…spelled ‘Spelman’…says paying for sex should be made illegal, and that we here in the Britain should adopt the Nordic Model, where it is a crime to buy sex, but not to sell it! Hmm…I’ve bedded one or two models in my time, but never a Nordic Model. I do wonder whether the cold weather makes them frigid? Seriously though, I wholeheartedly agree with La Spelman, it definitely should be a crime to have to pay for sex! Sex should be given away for free. Those in receipt of the ‘kindness of strangers’ should be able to merely make a financial contribution based upon ‘performance’, in the same way diners in certain restaurants can leave a contribution only based upon quality of food and service! Now, now, no need to shoot the messenger!

DON’T BE SO ‘VEIN’…CONTACTLESS PAYMENT!

 

 

The city of Lund, Sweden! One thousand people have signed up to trial ‘contactless payment’ in 15 shops and restaurants. Method? A terminal scans the veins in your hand, for apparently everyone’s vein patterns are unique, thus fraud is impossible! How cool is that? Initially a terminal scans a palm three times, followed by you entering your social security and telephone numbers. A text message is then sent to a mobile phone with an activation link to a website where payments are taken directly from customers bank accounts. Of course the veins in the hand of a ‘senior citizen’ are often closer to the surface of the skin. Might not a terminal suffer ‘vein confusion’ and double scan, leading to double billing? Oh, for larger purchases such as for a car, a scanner is in development to read the veins in one’s buttocks. ‘Payment by cheek’ is expected to be rolled out by 2017.  Of course should your buttocks be particularly ‘veiny’, you may end up buying a whole fleet of cars. Sounds good to me. Where do I sign up?

‘UNEXPECTED ITEM IN THE BAGGING AREA!’

Jeez Louise…I’ve committed a f**king crime! That’s exactly what happened to me this morning in Tesco supermarket. As I was paying for a handful of grocery items at a self-service till, it suddenly froze! ‘Unexpected item in the bagging area,’ it shouted for all to hear! Unexpected item indeed, it was only a bloody erection for God sake!

WOULD YOU WEAR A HI-TECH ONESIE?

Are you equally afraid to be out of touch with your many online fans? Dutch ‘fashion’ designer Borre Akkersdijk has developed a high-tech onesie that looks like something one would either wear beneath a suit of medieval armour, or clothing issued to a mental patient! Recently demonstrated at the SXSW festival in Texas, the onesie has copper wiring woven with layers of cotton thread. The wires can be connected to chips, including Wi-Fi, Bluetooth and GPS. The batteries and processors are hidden inside built-in pockets. Great if you’re stranded alone on a desert island, but other than that, I can’t see the point? Perhaps one day in the not too distant future, this technology will be incorporated into a pair of underpants? Just make sure you’re not Tasered by the police, or you will fry!

HAVE YOU TRIED THE ‘TUPPERWARE’ DIET YET?

For any diet to work you’ve got to burn more calories than you take in. Well we all know that! So, buy some air-tight food storage containers. Prepare your meals, place them in the containers, and place the containers in the fridge. Stick to the Tupperware Diet faithfully and you’ll find yourself satisfied with smaller portions. Oh dear, smaller portions…that simply won’t do! Why my stomach will think my throat’s been cut!! I ordered a pack of 4, 40 litre plastic storage containers from an online stationary suppliers and filled them with about a ton of food. The only problem was, the Tupperware containers were too f**king big to fit in the fridge. Nothing for it…I binged! I might be fat, but I’m H.A.P.P.Y!