WINDSOR CASTLE…THE PEASANTS ARE ‘REVOLTING’!

windsor castleThat’s right folks, the peasants are indeed revolting at Windsor Castle, Berkshire, the private residence of Queen Elizabeth. For the first time in living memory members of the Royal Household, 76 wardens, backed by the Public and Commercial Services Union, have voted for action short of an all out strike. The wardens are refusing to carry out extra duties without pay, such as giving tours to fee-paying visitors, unless Segway electric scooters are provided for wardens convenience! Her Majesty’s response? The Tower of London’s Traitors Gate is to be revamped!? To remind you, Windsor Castle was built in the 11th century, almost built down in the late 2oth century, only to be rebuilt with money from the public purse! It was also at this location where Brown Windsor soup was invented in 1902, when 16 out of 24 members of the dynastic Order of Merit got diarrhoea when they crapped out around a celebrity crap table after eating bad pheasant! The incident was also referred to in the Press as ‘The Royal Flush’, and the ‘Bum’s Rush’.

‘OVEREATING’ IS CONSIDERED GOOD FOR MENTAL HEALTH!?!

chocolate eclair

In recent years obese people have been picked on by politicians, the Press, nutritionists and the NHS, due to their over-whelming reliance on social security payments and the cost in treating their ‘illness’… diabetes treatment, cardiovascular health, weightless surgery. Furthermore, it was previously thought being overweight in middle-age raised our risk of dementia. However, a new study by researchers from the London School of Hygiene and Tropical Medicine and the Oxon Epidemiology group who analysed data on nearly two million people middle-aged or older, collected over 20-years from GP surgeries…phew…suggests obesity may even protect against mental decline, concluding it is those of us who are underweight in middle age who have a greater chance of dementia! It is even said, those of us who are gargantuan in size may have a 30% lower risk of suffering dementia than people of a healthy weight. Conclusion? Until these brand new findings are turned on their head, I shall refrain from attending ‘Overeaters Anonymous’ meetings and eat as if there is tomorrow! Bon appetit!!

ATM MACHINES…GOING, GOING, GONE!

Lloyds bankArmed robberies on banks is now almost non-existent, (security features, dye packs, lengthy sentences), however theft of cash by fair means or foultunnelling or high-explosives…from ATM machines fixed to external walls at banks, supermarkets and petrol stations, has in recent years taken off in a big way across Europe. The notes in an ATMs are non-sequential, not are they dye-pack protected. One UK gang, referred to by the Press as the ‘Mole in the wall Gang’, have struck several times over the past couple of years. A second gang of less patient thieves, prefers the use of high explosives to dislodge an ATM and carry it away. Clearly ‘cash is still king’. Why only the other day thieves blew up the entire front of the Shirehampton branch of Lloyds Bank, Bristol, in order to dislodge the automatic teller machine and have it away. In the words of Charlie Croker (M. Caine), “I only told you to blow the bloody doors off!”

AN OFFICE WITH A…PHEW!

 

sex in playing fields

Taking advantage of the fine weather this week, a couple were photographed by an office worker copulating in the Three Bridges playing fields in Crawley, West Sussex. Since uploading the video onto the internet, the footage has gone viral. Good news for the landlord of the office block! The rents have risen, and the six remaining office suites suddenly have new tenants. No one has suggested the couple making love al fresco were in the landlord’s employ, but it is a possibility!

SHOULD MENTALLY ILL PEOPLE WEAR WRISTBANDS?

Medical alert bracelets

At a hustings event hosted by the campaign group Keep Our NHS Public, Chamali Fernando, barrister and Tory candidate for Cambridge, allegedly stated she believed mentally ill people should wear coloured wristbands in order to alert health professionals as to their condition should a patient in distress not be able to communicate their condition. Ms Fernando has since been unfairly vilified on social media sites for her comments.

With certain reservations, wristbands could be a good idea, so long as it didn’t stigmatize the mentally ill. I urge you to suppress your emotions and employ logic for a moment! Those of us who are allergic to certain drugs…penicillin for example…wear bracelets, do they not? Medi Alert bracelets are also worn by diabetics and those suffering from epilepsy. Speed of diagnosis can lead to speedy treatment and speedy recovery. Not wishing to sound contentious, several mentally ill patients…schizophrenics…who once upon a time resided in secure units…some of which have since been turned into apartments for the upwardly mobile members of society…are now roaming the street of Britain. Some patients will be on their meds, others may not be! There have been cases where innocent members of the public have been harmed and killed! Frankly, I don’t see a problem with the wearing of wristbands. My late father suffered from Parkinson’s Disease. I can think of at least two occasions when a wristband would have been bloody helpful! If I was suffering from a serious mental condition and I suffered a setback in public, I would want to be attended to quickly and efficiently. Wouldn’t you?

 

A HYPOCHONDRIAC WET DREAM…’MEDICAL TRICORDER’!

hypochondria

It appears there no end to the technology you can stick in a smart phone to raise its IQ! One day perhaps we will be able to ‘point & press’ to let our pocket ‘buddy’ select our soul mates by rating a potential suitor’s iris dilation, raised heart rate, rapid breathing and body temperature! In the meanwhile, Israeli firm Unispectral Technologies and Tel Aviv University have potentially turned the smart phone into a Star Trek tricorder…a multi-functional, hand-held device for scanning, data analysis and recording data…that has the ability to break down the chemical compounds of almost any object from a distance, by analysing a material’s hyper-spectral signature (chemical fingerprint).

Meanwhile, incidents of skin cancer are on the rise. Some people believe it is due to the thinning of the O-zone layer, allowing solar radiation to penetrate Earth’s atmosphere? In any event, the Mobile Detector smart phone app, or ‘melanoma app’, allows users to photograph suspicious moles over a period of weeks or months, and uses its software to calculate a ‘risk factor’ before a user runs off screaming to hospital. Of the 97,000 smart phone apps available to download, several are ‘health’ apps, which may well inadvertently turn normal folk into hypochondriacs. So there you have it, a hand-held medical tricorder, the hypochondriac’s must have medical device! “Sorry boss, can’t come in today. My smart phone just informed me I’m ill!” I do wonder though whether a smart phone tricorder will ever be willing to confirm a particular diagnosis such as ‘hypochondria’, or would that be self-defeating?

 

‘THE END IS NIGH’…END OF EARTH PREDICTIONS!

asteroid 2

Now I don’t know whether it is a generational thing, but ever since I was a small boy, there has been a man (probably several) who walks up and down the main shopping thoroughfare of Oxford Street in Central London wearing a banner; ‘The End Is Nigh!’ The police tend to leave him alone. In fact the only time he is jostled, is when a gang of smash & grab shoplifters plough through him in order to make their escape! Now every nutcase with a 3rd rate degree, or who has attended at least one seminary class has his or her prediction regarding the imminent end of planet Earth, be it from an asteroid strike, major floods, earthquake, solar flares and nuclear Armageddon.

With special powers comes great responsibility! If and when a huge hemorrhoidasteroid, measuring several miles by several miles hurtles towards Earth at a ferocious velocity, without any though to my own personal safety, all I need do to save your sorry asses is put down my coffee cup, raise an index finger and allow the asteroid to spin on it! I will do it with good grace, and won’t even claim for a repetitive strain injury to my little digit!

DESPICABLE MISO!

irradiated food

We are to believe radiation-contaminated foods grown from around the Japanese Fukushima nuclear disaster site could be making its way onto the shelves of British retailers because of loopholes in British safety rules! Products include tea, noodles and chocolate bars, have already been exported out of Japan by fraudsters using false labelling (certificates of origin & packaging). The labels indicate products originate from ‘radiation-free’ regions of Japan, such as Tokyo.

Here in Britain, when it comes to ‘health & hygiene’ in the food service industry, we have the toughest regulation of any European Union member State. For example, since the 2001 foot & mouth epidemic, regulations were tightened, and now all meat products reared in the UK can be traced back to any farmer. ‘From field to fork’ is no idle boast! Food inspectors are out every day visiting slaughterhouses, cafes, hotels and restaurants ensuring diners do not succumb to food poisoning. Yet when it comes to imported products, consumers remain vulnerable, and in the above case, to possible carcinogenic/toxic ingredients.

The fact is, there are more criminals than there are food inspectors. Several EU member States fell victim to the ‘Horse Meat Scandal’, including several major supermarket chains. Replacing beef, pork and lamb with a cheaper alternative purely for the sake of profit is bad enough, but exporting irradiated food remains an act of pure evil, an act by individuals who have completely lost their humanity! But hang on a minute, aren’t certain foods likes prawns irradiated in order to kill harmful bacteria? Of course, but the above pictured products are only subjected to low levels of radiation, even less than you would suffer undergoing an X-ray. The Fukushima nuclear power plant suffered a complete bloody meltdown! It is said, ‘you are what you eat’, well these days how many of us can say we do know what we eat? Sure I like my breakfast cereal to go ‘snap, crackle & pop’, but not at the cost of my teeth falling out!

YO-YO DIETING!

exercise 6Since I’ve been invited to a July wedding, I thought it prudent to try on my one good suit. As I suspected, I can’t get the trousers above my knees. What depressing news! I’ve got just under 4-months to lose 2-stones. Oh I can do it. I’ve done it several times before, but as I get older I lose the enthusiasm to train and diet. for at the end of the day, you are who you are, and it’s pointless to fight your genes. On the other hand, I’m not about to buy another suit, and that’s my motivation to down size.

Hey, do any of you remember that strapline from the 1970 movie ‘Love Story’ (Ryan O’Neal/Ali MacGraw)? ‘Love means never having to say your sorry!’ Well I’ve got my very own strapline; ‘Dieting means never having to say you swallow!’

PRINCE CHARLES ORDERS UP BOMBING RUN!

grey squirrelThe Prince of Wales has ordered a cull on American grey squirrels on the 200 square miles Duchy of Cornwall Estate in an effort to protect the endangered indigenous red squirrels, that now only number 140,000, as compared to the 2.5 million ‘Confederate’ grey squirrels that cause high-impact damage to the environment. As patron of the Red Squirrel Survival Trust and Air Commodore-in-Chief of the Royal Air Force, Prince Charles has called on the RAF to commence grey squirrel pilotless drone strikes as early as next week. Lets hope the drone pilots can tell the difference between a colony of eco-terrorist grey squirrels and a colony of red squirrel wedding guests. So if you go down to the woods today…next week, be sure of a big surprise!

Meanwhile, red squirrels have reappeared in the Lake District National Park after a 16-year absence, which is remarkable when you consider, since 1952, 95% of indigenous red squirrels have been wiped out by the squirrel pox virus that arrived in Britain in the 19th century on the much larger backs of American grey squirrels, who as it turned out had voracious appetites. Those red squirrels that weren’t killed by the pox virus, starved! If there is a lesson to be learned here, it is that mass immigration doesn’t work! But hey, what is at the root of this red squirrel fight back in the Lake District? Secret Martial Arts training by the SAS in Hereford, which involved the use of nunchuck sticks, Chinese throwing stars and other cool lethal weapons! Many of the now dispossessed Confederate grey squirrels have already applied to the American Embassy for visas for themselves and their families in order that they might return to the USA. Well it can’t come soon enough for me!

‘GENTLE’ EXERCISE VERSUS ‘VIGOROUS’ EXERCISE?

exercise 4

According to a study by scientists at the University of Sidney, short spurts of vigorous exercise that leave you breathless are better than longer bouts of gentle exercise when it comes to preventing an early death! But what if you’re disinclined to do either? Surely the question natural couch potatoes  should be asking is, why do tortoises have such a long life expectancy? If on the other hand you possess a natural va va voom, then you should try the ‘P90X’or ‘Insanity’ workouts on the basis that what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger! My own personal preference? When it comes to short bursts of vigorous exercise, I prefer to go old schoolsex! (with a partner).

WORLD’S TOUGHEST RACE?

Desert raceNo, it’s not the Danes (Vikings), or the Mongols, but the Morocco’s Sahara desert race, where participants endure 50c heat during the 155-mile course. What makes the race tougher than most is the fact runners must carry everything they need with them on their backs. Famed explorer and writer of ‘The Feather Men’ (SAS), Sir Ranulph Fiennes, 71, is vying to become the oldest Briton to complete the 2015 race. I only have one question, why bother when there is a perfectly good bus service?

SIZE ‘ZERO’ MODELS!

skeleton Images of Size zero models have reappeared on the catwalk, fashion chain websites and department store hoardings! People are grumbling. People are complaining these stick thin models are just not thin enough! Why, unless you’ve got a thigh gap you can drive a train through, well, you’re considered not thin enough! The public, particularly pre-pubescent girls and young women buy into this crap! Some boys too. For many, starving oneself to achieve the unachievable leads to mood swings, lethargy, migraines, depression, bad skin, a disruption of the menstrual cycle and terminal anorexia. You may well ‘briefly’ stare at the reflection of a doorstep chime, but you can’t maintain the image and live! Listen, unduly influenced by media images of how a handful of people think we should look, we all at times behave irrationally, so don’t beat yourselves up about it! Think about this for a moment, the skinny starving millions in Africa and Asia want to look like the majority of us in the affluent West, while many of the Western ‘chubbies’ would die to look like them! The ‘have nots’ want a full belly, whilst the ‘haves’ dream of protruding ribs! How weird? Body dysmorphia is spreading! Take my advice, unless you’re ready to spend your whole life in a gym, get used to who you really are, for your true shape is determined by inherited genes!

So, in order to do away with fat-blooded models, certain well-known fashion designers have resorted to claiming unclaimed cadavers from morgues. The dead are being taken to AREA 52 in the Nevada Desert, where maggots are left to eat the remainder of their flesh. After one month, the skeletons are pressure-washed, dried, made-up and readied for the catwalk. Dressed in the latest unwearable clothing, the skeletons will be wired up all the way to the ceiling, where skeleton controllers, or puppet-masters intend controlling their every move. Posing and turning have yet to be mastered!

Model behaviour!

Some catwalk models are so desperate to look thinner, they resort to having their back teeth removed to give them a narrower looking face, and often undergo an operation under general anaesthesia to have lower ribs removed in order to create a slimmer waist contour. Most commonly, the 12th, 11th, and occasionally the 10th ribs are removed. The 11th and 12th ribs are known as “floating” ribs, which means they only cover the organs from the back and not the front. The 10th rib covers both the front and back, which is why some surgeons who perform rib removal feel it’s unsafe to remove this rib. Boy, there’s something to be said for being a couch potato!

Breaking wind…news!

Paris authorities have banned super-skinny models from appearing on the catwalk. Now that organisers are forced to ‘underpin’ the runway, Paris Fashion Week will never be the same! Underweight models have been banned from the Madrid Fashion Week since 2006. Meanwhile, Spanish authorities in Catalonia are planning to ban the use of skinny models in advertising campaigns. All in all it looks like Asian child labourers in the garments industries will be forced to make garments to fit the ‘average’ size man and woman. A victory for common sense! Heat up the charcoal and bring out the chops!!

TV PRESENTER SUE PERKINS GOES COLD TURKEY OVER TWITTER!

sue perkins

The Great British Bake Off television presenter Sue ‘honestly, I’m really, really funny’ Perkins has quit Twitter and her 574,000 followers subsequent to death threats the lady received after it was inaccurately reported she would replace Jeremy Clarkson on TopGear. Inaccurately reported too are the rumours of Ms Perkins comedic talent! She is about as funny as…gonorrhoea! Oops, am I now officially a troll?

NOT ALL MOTHERS CAN COOK!

burnt toast

I’m sick and tired of hearing how wonderful other people’s mothers cooking is. My Mother had to work almost her entire adult life. Consequently she never had a chance to experiment in the kitchen with exotic ingredients. How on earth my sister and I managed to survive our Mother’s cooking is quite beyond me! We would have been better off rubbing Mum’s cooking in our hair, rather than chucking it down our throats! Even our two boxer dogs wouldn’t eat ‘home cooking’. Dinner time, and a stomach pump was considered de rigueur!

Now some guy has come out with a theory that certain music makes food taste better! According to professor Charles Spence, a behavioural psychologist from Oxford University, ‘Music can’t create taste or flavours that are not there in your mouth, but it can draw attention to certain notes in a wine or food that are competing in your mind.’ Hey buddy, I challenge that! Let my Mother cook for you! You can play whatever damn music you like, you will still feel like you’ve been poisoned!

The biggest laugh I recently had, was when I visited my dear Mother. Her computer was on, and the lady was half way through completing an application to enter the MasterChef competition! I laughed so hard, and for so long, my cheeks hurt! Honestly, some people should know their limitations! “So, what are you cooking for us today?” I imagined my Mum would reply, “Toast…one way!”