laser scope 1

While two whistle-blowing Italian journalists have gone on trial at the Vatican court for exposing alleged corruption and mismanagement at the Holy See, Pope Francis has arrived in Nairobi, the first leg on his African trip, in order to promote peace, love, tolerance and understanding! Once the blah, blah, blah, yada, yada, yada is all over, Pope Francis will change into papal fatigues, designed by that premier frock designer, Victor Vatikan, in order to embark on a shoot! Using a military-grade laser sight attached to a Swedish, Mauser M41B sniper’s rifle, Pope Francis hopes to kill lions, elephants, hippos and antelope. The trophy heads will replace the now degraded Aztec, Maya and Inca trophies in the Vatican trophy hall of fame dedicated to the Roman Catholic decimation of entire civilizations! Oh, dear me I think I’ve got a ‘semi’ coming on!



Sitting outside my local café enjoying a cigarette and a coffee this morning, I got up to open the door for a gentleman on crutches. Naturally, he thanked me. Half an hour later, the gentleman emerged from the café and sat at my table. “That was very kind of you to open the door for me,” he once again said. “No problem,” I repeated. “Tell me young man, would you be interested in saving the life of a princess who is locked in a tower within the walls of an impenetrable castle?” What could I say but, “That depends, is she HIV positive?” He said, “Not!” Then I asked him if he would load up my Oyster travel card. That was affirmative. Finally I enquired into the tower itself. “What, 125-feet! Fuck off!” Money was mentioned, and a lot of it! “Err, is this princess obese, pig ugly with her dark roots showing beneath her bottle-blond head of hair? Apparently she was all of that, and more. “My kind of woman,” I replied. “Count me in!” If one takes the trouble to look hard enough one can always find beauty in what others perceive as ugly! Haven’t we all encountered beauty that is only skin deep?



the Lord's PrayerThe Church of England went to great expense to commission a 60-second advert of the Lord’s Prayer spoken by ‘ordinary’ people, intending it to be shown as a Christmas message in cinemas across Britain next month, prior to the new ‘Star wars’ movie ‘The Force Awakens’. This advert has now been pulled by the Digital Cinema Media (DCM), which has a policy of not accepting adverts that promote a political or religious message. And quite right too! Allowing the Christian Lord’s Prayer to be shown to cinema audiences would have set a precedent to encourage other religions to embark on mass audience indoctrination! Leaders of the Church of England must be bloody mad!? The place for the Lord’s Prayer is in a temple of worship, not a cinema! Perhaps if the Church of England concentrated more on the true Christian programme (Jesus’s true Ministry) and less on making money, church congregations might not have dwindled so!


rum baba

Enthused by ‘Strictly Come Dancing’, I’ve decided to open my own dance studio. So if you want to come along and learn how to dance, email me. At my studio you will learn: The pastadoble, the rum baba, the salsa verde, the Argentine mango and the peach Melba. Yes, that’s right, all my dances are food-based, so bring your own napkins!


creaking floorboards

Creaking floorboards in old houses can become annoying, particularly if they creak at night! You can sprinkle talcum powder between the floorboards to prevent them rubbing together. If of course you’ve run out of talc, you can always use tinned peach slices, by placing peach segments between the floorboards. If you haven’t any tinned peaches, try fresh leaks!? More DIY tips on the way!



Yeah well, that’s hardly a revelation, is it? Now according to the Office of National Statistics, men who live in the richest part of Kensington & Chelsea can expect almost 24.6 years more good health than their male counterparts in the most deprived parts of the London borough. Women, 21.2 years of good health! Really? I wasn’t aware there were any deprived parts of Kensington & Chelsea? Anyway, it is obvious to me, the rich have access to expensive, ‘branded’ drugs, prescribed by private doctors, drugs that are denied patients who expect free treatment in the National Health Service. So if you want expensive anti-cancer drugs that extend your life, expect to pay through the nose for them…£100-£200 per day…and a nasal catheter may well be the method of introduction! If money is tight, well you can expect some generic shit that may or may not do you any good!

Of course rich or poor, fighting over life-extending drugs may soon become a moot point, for at the end of the day…10-years max…we may all face an ‘antibiotic apocalypse’ following the recent discovery of bacteria that is resistant to all ‘last-resort’ antibiotics, thanks to their over-use.  But in practical terms, what does this to you and I? Untreatable, common infections that are lethal, such as influenza! Why even surgery for an appendectomy will become impossible! Scientific endeavours to produce new strains of bacteria-fighting antibiotics were started too late. Costly to develop, drug companies dragged their heels. So rich or poor, we may all find ourselves pushing up daisies in the same graveyard. Have a nice day, because it might be your last!


keep calm and duck

Thanks to Western ‘blind’ interference in Islamic countries that are steeped in religious intolerance and tribalism, an interference that has given rise to that global phenomenon, Islamic extremism, other than to the shed at the bottom of the garden, there are now few places safe to travel to. This year, Christmas in Christendom is going to be a bitch! So if you happen to be out and about in your capital city and spot a quadcopter/drone flying above your head, clutching a package…find some cover, because it could be a bomb!

Meanwhile, some families, seduced by low-cost holiday packages still intend travelling close to ‘hot spots’. Although I don’t subscribe to cowering at the bottom of one’s garden, it still surprises me the number of people who are prepared to put their lives and liberty in jeopardy for the sake of a bargain! Alert to sun worshippers! Don’t forget your sunscreen, oh, and your blood clotting agent!


Anonymous 1

Anonymous, the hacktivist group, a decentralized virtual community whose goal is to seek mass awareness and revolution against what the organization perceives as ‘corrupt entities’, have been responsible for among other things; Operation Sony, Operation Bank of America EMail Drop and Operation Payback (Visa, MasterCard, Amazon, PayPal). The scourge of the corporate world and governments, cyber security experts the world over (GCHQ, NSA) must have a dedicated team of their own hacktivists employed to unmasking Anonymous members. While Anonymous claim to be an ethical group, determined to redress injustices and promote freedom of speech, human rights and freedom of all sensitive information, States refer to the secretive individuals who make up the Anonymous ‘co-operative’ as cyber terrorists, claiming they use technology to affect social change while avoiding the ballot box, thus obviating Democracy, supposedly the ‘bedrock’ of Western civilization!

Anonymous have now turned their attention and their hacktivist fingertips towards Isis, declaring war on the insane, barbaric miscreants. Anonymous claim credit for having over 20,000 Isis Twitter accounts taken down! I wonder if GCHQ and the NSA will cut the hacktivists some slack, pursuing them with less vigour? War does indeed make for some strange bedfellows!

Globalization having carved up the world over the last 20-years or so, together with State control of information that may or may not adversely affect our lives, I suggest to you there is a need for groups like Anonymous. The rape of ‘truth’ must be prevented at all costs! It is a shame I am a mere monkey on a computer!


oil barrel

Well, is Western foreign policy really responsible for the creation of Islamic terrorism, that like a plague without an antidote, has spread worldwide? The answer is probably…yes! However, in order to become ‘developed’ nations, the West had no choice but to become reliant on Middle East oil, and as with other poisonous by-products in the oil refinement process, jihadism/death cults is just another by-product! It is worth remembering we in the West have relied upon Middle East oil for 120 years. Had we run our ships, trains, cars and planes on say…a hydrogen fuel cell, no one would be vacationing in places like Dubai, for as a resort, it would not exist! Arabians and North, Northeast and West Africans would still be living under tents! It could be argued, the civil war in Somalia was deliberately caused by Western influences and the thirst for even more oil? If the West didn’t burn it, oil would be of no value whatsoever! It would in fact have been left in the ground! Doctor Frankenstein (The West) created a monster (Jihadism/Radical Islam) which we cannot now control! People of New York, London, Mumbai, Tunisia, Paris, Mali and many other places have paid the ultimate price, with their lives! So, oil has given us everything, but not all change is progress! If we didn’t burn another drop of the stuff (oil), the monster would still be around! ISIL continues to behead and amputate limbs of the innocent, but so does Western ally, Saudi Arabia. The West turns a blind eye because we buy their oil and the Saudis buy our arms. So you see, the problem of inhuman behaviour is not so easily solved!



nun 2

American Republican presidential candidate, Donald Trump, has suggested Muslims should carry special ID, just like ‘yellow-star Jews’, and be placed under surveillance in order to ‘learn about the enemy’. Frankly I don’t think the above suggestion is going anywhere near far enough! Thanks to our governments, we are encouraged to inform on anyone we deem acting in a suspicious manner. I now no longer trust anyone, not even myself! I think we should all have subcutaneous trackers implanted under our skin…including nuns…so that we can all track one another’s movements and be tracked, 24/7! Hey, perhaps I might get a date out of it? Perhaps I might meet a nun who hasn’t taken her final vows of chastity. Chas-tity really does put a dampener on my sex life! Are nuns habit-forming? I jolly well hope so!


English Heritage plaque for inventor of time t...

English Heritage plaque for inventor of time travel (Photo credit: jaywood_uk)

Backwards time travel might be possible, a scientist has claimed…if we can harness the power of wormholes…passageways through space-time linking two areas of space directly. BALDERDASH AMIGOS!

Wormholes were predicted in 1916 shortly after Einstein’s general theory of relativity was published. Yeah, but you can’t see one, nor create one. It remains THEORETICAL physics, or in other words, science FANTASY! Even if you harnessed a wormhole, where would you travel to…empty space, that’s where!

I side with the VULCAN SCIENCE ACADEMY and Ambassador SOVAL on this one. Time travel isn’t possible, and never will be. The past is no longer there…wherever scientists claim ‘there’ is, and the future has yet to happen, for in order to reach the future, we must first experience the present. You can theorise about bending space all you like…postulate over assholes…WORMHOLES ’til the cows come home, but, I repeat… you can’t visit a period in time that no longer exists, nor a period that has yet to unfold. You’ve got more chance of seeing a cow jump over the moon! Anyway, there’s enough shit/bad karma in the present to keep us all amply occupied!



Fellatio (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

A while back I read a most excellent article in The Telegraph online. Rebecca Holman writes about the growing trend for women to attend oral sex master-classes run by one Master Dominic at the Coco de Mer (female nut) salon somewhere in East London. For £70 a session you learn how to give your partner a monster blow-job. Obviously real cocks are conspicuous by their absence. Attendees must make do with ice lollies. Still, the ‘dribble’ must be quite realistic. So if you intend popping along, do remember to rub Vaseline onto your lips. Although it is never to late to learn the subtleties of Fidelio…sorry, that should read…FELLATIO, (Fidelio is a hotel computer software programme), I see no point in doing it if your beloved has already flown the coop!

From the male perspective, of all the blow jobs I have received, only two stand out as memorable, and neither of them were recent. Grabbing hold of my weapon of mass destruction, lovely Nora almost sucked the very life out of me, then again, she didn’t have her teeth in at the time. Then there was gorgeous gum-chewing Anna. Now she did have her teeth in, but unfortunately she left my ‘member’ with nasty teeth marks, resulting in skin discolouration. Not so much Fifty Shades of Grey, but Fifty Shades of Black & Blue. Even more unfortunately, at the time I was cheating on my girlfriend Melanie. Obviously that relationship was doomed!


In a blow to oral sex, according to online health clinic Euroclinix, blow jobs are ‘expected to overtake smoking’ as the main cause of mouth cancer, with HPV virus currently accounting for 25% of all mouth cancers globally, and 35% of throat cancers.

*I’ve attempted to deal with the above subject in the best possible taste. I do hope I haven’t offended anyone!



Wandering around the house in a pair of old, ill-fitting, baggy sweat shorts with my belly fat hanging out the front and my ass crack in full view around the back, girlfriend Jenny heard someone mention sartorial elegance on the TV. I could tell by the expression on her face, my days were numbered. Okay, so I have let myself go in recent years, however, my heart is still good. I still help senior citizens across the road, whether they want to go or not!


light saber

Last weekend I competed in the first UK Star Wars Lightsaber Combat Championships in Brockworth, Gloucestershire. In the heat of battle I got disqualified for losing it! Feigning to the left, I got behind my opponent and shoved my trusty lightsaber up his ass, lighting him up! However, the weekend was not a total loss. A doctor in attendance spotted an illuminated mole on my opponent’s neck that turned out to be cancerous. ‘Derek from Dunstable’ was rushed off to hospital, where the mole was safely removed. Now if I hadn’t been a pervert, the chap might have died! I’m seriously thinking of converting to Jediism!? May the ‘farce’ be with you!