PRESIDENT OBAMA AND BEAR GRYLLS GO CAMPING!

Alaska 1

It has just been announced President Barak Obama will appear alongside British adventurer Bear Grylls on a hike into the Alaskan wilderness for an NBC TV programme intended to highlight the environmental impact of climate change. “Oh fuck,” said the head of the President’s secret service detail. “No fucking way,” said another of President Obama’s bodyguards. “Freeze my nuts off? You’ve got to be kidding,” said a third member of the detail. “Anyway, have you ‘seen’ the size of those fucking bears? There’s loyalty, and then there’s just plain stupidity. POTUS can fend for himself!” In fact all the members of the President’s secret service detail have applied for alternative duties or early retirement. So much for a lame duck President!

EXPO SEXPO!

Expo

More than 15,000 sex workers have headed for Milan, Italy, to cash in on the expected tourist boom for the six-month long 2015 Expo World Fair that started in May at the Palazzo Lombardia. With 150 countries taking part, an equal number of organised criminal gangs and 20 million visitors, both amateurs and professionals alike will be pressing their vaginas into commercial service. Prostitutes from afar a field as Brazil, Nigeria and China have descended upon Milan hoping to take bored, drunken sados to bed in order to relieve them of fluid and euros. STD clinics have been put on high alert!

Meanwhile, there are so many prostitutes/street walkers working the main road from Milan to Cremona, it has caused a road-safety problem. To combat this problem, prostitutes will be fined 500 euros or £360 if they don’t wear ‘hi-vis’ jackets. Well ‘blow’ me!

COST OF CREMATIONS!

crematorium

Here in the UK the cost of a cremation has gone up approximately 25% in five years, well above inflation! It is said new Health & Safety rules relating to ‘air quality’ have something to do with this. Well f**k me, it’s not as if anyone’s going to be sitting on a chimney sucking up crematoria furnace smoke, now is it? I wouldn’t be a bit surprised if one day soon deceased’s relatives are charged by the lb to cremate a loved one. “What do you mean…fifteen-hundred-pound to cremate my husband? That’s outrageous!” “Sorry Madam, there’s no getting away from the fact, your late husband was a fat fucker. Christ, we could barely squeeze him into the oven, and we had to keep it on an extra twenty-minutes at gas mark 9!” 

‘YOU HAVE THE RIGHT TO SELF-HARM!’

keep calm and indulge yourself

Governments, health authorities and university research fellows keep banging on about the dangers of drinking alcohol, smoking cigarettes, taking drugs and eating the wrong food. Some of your vices remain legal while others remain illegal. Over time, what was once illegal is now illegal, and what was once illegal is now legal! As long as your chosen vice does not harm others, you should be allowed to indulge, after all, it is your life, and no one should have the right to dictate how you behave and what you put in your body! After all, Life is a ‘private’ matter! Do be aware, if your body comes to harm, don’t expect free, first-class medical treatment, after all, you are technically self-harming! Only the other day I read a new report that suggests just one glass of wine a day increases the chance of women succumbing to a particular type of cancer!? Now if you were to keep all of life’s vices at arm’s length, effectively leading a life of complete moderation, life would drag, and by the time you’re stretched out on your death-bed, well, you may feel as if you’ve lived for 200-years!

WORLD TESTICLE COOKING CHAMPIONSHIPS!

Testicles

Testicles (Photo credit: icebergprinciple)

By now you will have cottoned on to the fact that I like to report on the weird and unusual. Well, the following report is no different!

Every September teams of chefs cooked up bull, boar, stallion, camel and kangaroo in a remote Serbian mountain village in the annual World Testicle Cooking Championship...not to be confused with the Cumbrian ‘Nuts in May’ annual music festival.

Testicles are referred to as “white kidneys” in Serbian, due to the belief they are rich in testosterone. No doubt a boost to Balkan libido. Serbian chef and festival organiser, Ljubomir Erovic, is also the testicles gourmand specialist who has published a testicle cookery book.

Bulls’ testicles are particularly delicious, which are stirred a metal pot heated by a wood fire and filled with vegetables. Other dishes include testicle pizza, testicle goulash, testicle moussaka and testicles in béchamel sauce flavoured with a variety of herbs found in the region. There is wine, beer and folk music to aid digestion. However, if balls are not to your liking, stalls sell roasted pig or lamb. Do you know what, I had no idea that testicles were so versatile! The next time I get a job, I’ll put some in my lunch box!

DO YOU DRIVE A ‘KEYLESS’ CAR?

steering wheel lock

It used to be a car thief carried a brick, a crowbar or a coat hanger to work. Nowadays car thieves never go to work without electronic gizmos and gadgets. The onus is now on any self-respecting car thief to be part hacker! A Swiss-made security device called a Megamos Crypto system…using it is said, a relatively simple encryption…has sold over 100 million radio frequency identification chips designed to verify the identity of the ignition key. Twenty-six car manufacturers have bought them, including Audi Fiat, Honda, Volvo, Volkswagen, Bentley, Ferrari, Porsche and Maserati. Unfortunately, it is claimed a security ‘loophole’ exists in the Megamos chip, allowing thieves to electronically ‘hotwire’ immobilisers within 30-minutes by discovering the vehicle’s security code within the key fob’s transponder. Car thieves, or ‘scammers’ as they prefer to be known, electronically eavesdrop on the key fob signal, and then by using a commercially available computer programme, analyse it and then emulate it. The immobiliser then decodes the signal and starts the engine.

London appears to be the current hotbed for electronically hotwiring vehicles, where 4 out of 10 car scammers feature electronic hacking methods. Before offering it for sale, one would have thought the Swiss company that developed the Megamos Crypto system would have paid 10 hackers to attempt ‘crack’ its encryption system, with whoever succeeded within say 20/30 minutes, getting a cash bonus! Then again, perhaps the developers already knew of the security loophole? What is the point of spending 50-grand on a car only to secure it with a steering wheel brace? The Swiss should stick to what they do best; Watches, chocolates, cuckoo clocks and hiding other people’s money!

WOULD YOU EAT DOG FOOD!?!

deer 2

My friend Brenda has a sick, giant poodle called Bronwyn. She suffers from Inflammatory Bowel Disease. In order to eliminate all types of foods she may have an allergy towards, Brenda must attempt to feed ‘Bron’ food she has never tried before. Next up? Fresh venison, at £6:00 a pound, or £65:00 a week! In order to get the price down, Brenda must buy in bulk. Knowing that I occasionally enjoyed a venison steak, she offered me one. Naturally I refused. “Sorry Brenda,” I said. “As much as I like venison, I’m not about to start eating dog food!”

Despite over 500,000 British deer being culled each year, out of a total population of 1,5 million deer, why is it British supermarkets import 1,300 tonnes of farmed, ‘substandard’ tasting New Zealand deer each year? Is it the price? If it is ‘price’, how can it be possible to import from thousands of miles away at a lower cost than providing British shoppers British deer? Is a cartel at work fixing the price? It is well-known that meat of any free-range animal will generally have a stronger and more satisfying flavour. Apparently, here in the UK there are over 74,000 collisions each year between free-running deer and vehicles, causing hundreds of injuries and 20 deaths. It has even been suggested deer culling should be increased to 50% of the UK deer population! Don’t blame the deer for accidental collisions! It is us who keep shrinking their natural habitats.

WHAT UP WITH…VAGINAS OR VAGINAE?

vagina monologues

Whereas I can offer nothing but ‘positive’ feedback for the muscular, female genitalia, I do not like the name…vagina! I always confuse it with ‘Regina’ and ‘Virginia’. As I’m sure you all know, the term vagina is from the Latin word vaginae, meaning ‘sheath’ or ‘scabbard’. Yes well, enough said about that! They’ll be no jokes here about ‘velieris salami’ if you please! The actual reproductive organ might sit comfortably on my tongue, but ‘vagina’ definitely does not! This might go some way to explain why I’m so often embarrassed when saying it!? And no, before you ask, I don’t have too much time on my hands! Slang alternatives might be in common use, but most of them tend to denigrate the generously proportioned, complex, concave structure. I’ve scratched my brianbrain long and hard, but have yet to come up with a suitable replacement name for vagina. Lest you forget, renaming ceremonies are not without precedent! If you can think of anything suitable, do drop me a line! One final thought. Might this post be considered a vagina…analogue?

LONDON MATHATHON TAINTED BY DRUGS SCANDAL!

cocaine in bananasConcerns have been raised over blood samples provided by several past winners of the London Marathon. Had they taken performance-enhancing drugs? Organisers of the world-famous event have suggested, the only way to ensure all runners compete on a ‘level playing field’, is to hand out cocaine-concealing bananas. Now you might think this is an extraordinary solution to a problem, however, so many cocaine-concealing banana crates have been misdelivered to UK supermarkets, instead of to the intended ‘end-user’, rather than leave the ‘high-performance’ potassium content fruit to rot in a police warehouse, many believe it would be better to re-cycle it. Should the mainly, Colombian Matching Powder be distributed to all future marathon runners, it is likely the eventual winning time will be under one hour!

‘FATHER TIME’ CATCHES UP WITH US ALL!

Life 6The f**k he does! Hey man, talk to the hand because the face ain’t listening! I’m still in my prime, and I’m going to stay in the ‘prime zone’! I’ve seen too many relatives and friends age prematurely and kick the bucket. Okay, I’ve got a bit of dry skin, but that’s the extent of my degeneration! I have no intention of suffering slack skin and under-performing organs! No way am I going to put myself in the hands of strangers, however well-intentioned they may be. If I must throw vitamins down my throat and insert ‘XXL’ mineral  suppositories my rear end, then so be it! Remember now, as long as one remains in good physical and mental health, age is just a number, and mine ain’t up! It is said, ‘Good health is money in the bank’. Naturally it is with some regret I must acknowledge so many of the banks went bust! Nevertheless, here I am, and here I’ll stay!!

FANCY A CAREER IN…KOREA?

korea DMZ

North Korea has threatened to blow up South Korea’s loudspeakers after they began spouting ‘psychological warfare’ over the border between the two countries that are technically still at war. A peace treaty was never signed and a cease-fire agreement expired years ago. Seoul restarted the propaganda broadcasts for the first time in 11-years after accusing North Korea of planting landmines in the Demilitarized Zone instead of the promised azaleas and white ‘peace’ poppies. It really would be a shame to destroy South Korea’s Q Acoustics 2050i speakers. I only wish I could afford them!

Rather than spouting proper or improper ganda, why don’t the South Koreans play John Lennon’s ‘Give Peace A Chance’ through their loudspeakers I can’t afford, and then Frankie Goes To Hollywood’s ‘Relax‘? After all, if anything’s designed to give peace a chance, it is masturbation on a grand scale! Should pro-war factions put down their ‘mutton daggers’ long enough to pick up their rifles, then the Q Acoustics 2050i speakers should play Frankie Goes To Hollywood’s ‘Two Tribes’ (Go To War), followed by the pop-jazz instrumental ‘Yakety Sax’, the de facto theme music to the late, great, Benny Hill’s comedy TV show. Either way, get it on, or get it over with! The rest of the human race shouldn’t have to wait with bated breath for another 60-years for real peace or war to break out, should it?

Breaking news!

On the second day of high-level talks between North and South Korea, known as the ‘For fuck sake take down your loudspeaker talks’, North Korea launched 50 of its submarines, the 60-year old Whiskey-class non-nuclear boats, and the 50-year-old Romeo-class non nuclear boats. Let us hope no torpedoes or missiles are fired from these old, Soviet-era rust buckets, otherwise hundreds of North Korean submariners will be looking to the South Korean Navy to save them from watery graves!

WHAT’S UP WITH SOUTH SUDAN?

map of south sudan

The 1880’s were marked by the ‘Scramble for Africa’ particularly in Ethiopia, and today it is happening all over again! Encouraged by Western alliances, the region of South Sudan sought independence from the rest of Sudan in 2011 and has been fighting a 20-month-long civil war. Everyone who is anyone is sticking their noses in Africa’s trough, the richest continent on earth. The world’s youngest nation, the Republic of South Sudan is rich in natural resources; Iron ore, copper, chromium ore, zinc, tungsten, silver, gold, diamonds and has the third-largest oil reserves in sub-Saharan Africa. I wonder what will happen when all of Earth’s natural resources have been plundered? I won’t be around in 150-years but perhaps my descendants will be!

SKIMMED MILK…THERE REALLY IS NO NEED FOR IT!

skimmed milk

As with parsley used as decoration on a plate which no one eats, there really is no place in society for skimmed milk. I challenge any café worker to froth it up to be used in a cappuccino or latte! If you’re lactose intolerant, well you may as well drink a glass of water! Recently my neighbour made me a coffee and apologised for only having skimmed milk. I said I’ll take it black, which is just the same as adding skimmed milk! If skimmed milk had never been invented, but someone appeared on Dragon’s Den, claiming he or she had invented the stuff, the dragons will undoubtedly have said, “Why bother?” Containing only 0.5% fat of whole milk, the vitamins ‘A’ and ‘D’ that are lost from milk when the fat is removed, are artificially added to skimmed milk. The calcium, potassium and casein protein can always be obtained from several other sources. As far as using the revolting stuff a dietary aid is concerned, semi-skimmed milk contains 1.7% fat, so not that much more than the fat content in skimmed milk. The miniscule difference in fat content is hardly likely to make significant inroads into the removal of your belly fat, now is it? Skimmed milk, why bother!

SEAGULL WARS!

seagull

Lately seagulls across Britain have been subjected to negative press due to the birds anti-social behaviour! These a-political creatures have been recorded dive-bombing children for their ice-cream, attacking pets on beaches, pecking at naturists wobbly bits and crapping on the heads of Zimmer-frame users, acts which are definitely worthy of the issue of community ASBOs. So how are coastal towns preparing to deal with the seagull menace? Believe it or not, Graham Roberts, borough councillor for Whitehaven, Cumbria, is looking into the cost-effectiveness of deploying drones to see-off the great menace! “If seagulls refuse to act responsibly, we may have no choice but to engage them in aerial combat. We may even arm the drones with machineguns!” Err, excuse me, but wouldn’t it be simpler, and cheaper to train cuckoos to see off the menace? What’s that old adage? Ah yes…‘Set a thief to catch a thief!’