BENIDORM IN BID FOR WORLD HERITAGE STATUS!?!

Benidorm

You’ve got to be kidding! Just because Benidorm is the birthplace of mass tourism in Spain…much to do with cheap air flights than anything else…that alone is no good reason why Toni Perez, the new mayor of Benidorm should apply to Unesco for World Heritage Site status! Culturally speaking, the place is bereft of…culture! Lest we forget, Benidorm is the place crude and unsophisticated people who can barely read, write and speak go to vomit, piss, shag in public and shit their pants! If the mayor is insistent on world heritage site status, then perhaps he, or she should amend the application to focus on Benidorm’s STD clinic, after all, its had more ‘visitors’ than almost any other world heritage site!!

POLITICIANS HAPPY TO SPEND YOUR MONEY, BUT NOT THEIR OWN!

john bercowJohn Bercow, Speaker of the House of Commons, has quite rightly been rebuked by the Treasury for spending £172:00 on a chauffeur driven car to take him 0.7 mile from Parliament to Carlton House Terrace to open a conference. Bearing in mind the gentleman does not warrant a limo for security reasons, why on earth didn’t Mr Bercow hail a black cab for £15:00, of which there must be many around Parliament? The Speaker also ordered a chauffeur driven car to take him 1.5 miles to the Dorchester Hotel to attend a dinner organised by the charity Stonewall. That tiny journey cost taxpayers £144:00. It seems to me politicians are quite content to spend our money, but wouldn’t dream of spending their own money in similar circumstances. They would consider the costs outrageous! We are told by the Prime Minister and the Chancellor of the Exchequer, cutbacks must be made in public services in order to balance the Government’s books, but clearly these cutbacks must be made by us, not by them! Meanwhile, MPs have received a 10% wage rise, amounting to £7,000 a year. Apparently very few MPs wanted to take it, stating their hands were tied. There was no parliamentary mechanism by which they could refuse the increase? How ridiculous! MPs can vote to introduce any number of laws that defeat Democracy, and vote to invade another country, but they remain unable to vote down their own wage rise!? Is it any wonder train drivers, teachers, nurses and other public servants go on strike when offered a poultry 2% wage rise! We the public fulfil the dual roles of taxpayers and the electorate, yet we appear to have very little power once we elect a political party into office. Why is that?

PRINT ON DEMAND…3-D MISSILES!

3-D missiles

Oh joy, oh bliss, I think I need a pissPOD, 3-D missile! Raytheon Missile Systems, an aerospace and defence company based in Arizona, have printed almost every component of a missile, including rocket engines, fins and parts of the guidance and central nervous systems. It is only a matter of time before cheap missiles printed-on-demand will be available to print by machine in the field, thus ending thousands of years of warfare where invading armies must rely upon supply chains to restock them with armaments before pushing further forward into enemy territory. How cool is that!

Moreover, I can see a use for POD 3-D missiles in civilian life too! If we could all print affordable missiles from the comfort of our own homes, neighbourhood disputes could be resolved without the need to engage a costly lawyer to plead our cause in court. Bombing the f**k out of our ghastly neighbours would also go a long way towards reducing society’s reliance on legal aid, while at the same time offer work to architects, structural engineers and builders. Mark my words, affordable 3-D printers will soon be on everyone’s Christmas list. How cool is that!!

WHY SO MANY ‘UFO’ SIGHTINGS?

flying saucers

In recent years there has been a high volume of UFO sightings around the world. Since everyone nowadays is armed with a smartphone or video camera, evidence of unidentified flying objects have been immediately uploaded onto the internet. I have my own theory! Internet shopping!! You can’t do better than shop on Amazon and eBay, and aliens know this. Ordering bargains from outer space, they enter Earth’s atmosphere in order to take up the option of ‘click & collect’. And why not?

ARE YOU WEARING ‘FART CATCHERS’?

no farting

And no, I’m not referring to the Child Catcher in ‘Shitty Shitty Bang Bang’, but clothing containing Zorflex, an activated carbon lining! UK company Shreddies have produced a fart-foiling clothing range where the fabric neutralises stinky farts. Jeans cost £100:00 and PJs £75:00. Shreddies whose motto is ‘fart with confidence’, suggests their lines will help treat flatulence associated with IBS, gastritis, Crohn’s Disease, dyspepsia, colitis and a wind build-up due to food intolerances. Err, excuse me, but why don’t you save your hard-earned money and…wash your a-hole with soap!

I’M JOINING THE POLICE FORCE!

New Scotland Yard

London’s Metropolitan Police Force has failed miserably in recent years in attracting candidates from ethnic minority groups, the aim, to best represent our multicultural metropolis. As from this week, only bi-lingual candidates will be considered as potential police officers, and before you ask, no, Cockney rhyming slang won’t count! But it looks like I’m the perfect candidate! I can speak fluent Klingonese, although don’t whatever you do ask me to write down any Klingon Empire recipes for Rokeg Blood Pie or Gagh Stew. So the next time a Klingon ‘bird of prey’ land in Regent’s Park, it is likely to be I who saves the day and receives a police commendation, although I doubt I’ll be receiving the award at New Scotland Yard. That has been sold off to be turned into an hotel!

HAVE YOU EVER BEEN A VICTIM OF OVERBOOKING?

cemetery plot for sale

Budget airline Easy Jet have come under fire for selling seats that don’t exist! So what’s new? Airlines have been double and triple selling seats for years, as have tens of thousands of hotels around the world. No one wants an empty airline seat or empty hotel room when someone who has paid upfront doesn’t turn up. Hey, can you imagine cemetery plot salesmen doing the same…triple selling a plot with a basement view on a ‘first come, first served’ basis? Huh, talk about…crowded house!

CHRIS FROOME WINS SECOND TOUR DE FRANCE!

Chris Froome

What an achievement, the first British rider in history to do the double! Surely he will be knightly, as Bradley Wiggins was? Interestingly, Froome was pelted with urine and spit by angry protesters in the early stages of the 3-week race. How shockingly unsportsmanlike? Then again, the French have never forgiven the British for defeating Napoleon twice and coming to their nation’s aid in 2 World wars. And that’s the French for you! It comes as no surprise to me they continually resist importing British goods!

MEANWHILE, IN OUTER SPACE!

Kepler Space Telescope

Or ‘the back of beyond’ as I like to call it, where no one can hear you scream, Asteroid UW158 just passed our planet, and with it went an estimated £3 trillion of platinum, which is used in, among other things, catalytic converters, jewellery, fuel cells, hard computer disks and in the petro-chemical industry. Give it 50-70 years, and engineers will be mining in outer space.

Meanwhile, if you are one of the people who believe Earth is entirely too over-populated, you may be interested to learn scientists using the $600 million Kepler Space Telescope have located a planet that is supposedly a close match to ours. Kepler 425-b is in the ‘habitable zone’ in the constellation of Cygnus, is 60% bigger than Earth, and is in orbit around a sun. The catch? ‘Big Brother’ is 1,400 light-years away. Using current propulsion systems it would take astronuts…1,400 years to reach the newly discovered planet. So you can ‘look’, but you can’t ‘touch’…yet! Sooner or later, provided we earthlings haven’t blown ourselves up first, mankind will ‘touch base’ with deepest space, but neither you or I will be around to witness it!

CANNABIS…COMING AT YOU!

cannabis poster

While police throughout England & Wales are being urged to end the blanket criminal prosecution of growers, turning a blind eye to all ‘small scale’ production, Tesco supermarket chain, desperate to recapture the coveted number 1 spot on the high street, are coming out with a range of cannabis products to be marketed under its ‘finest’ range: ‘Cannabis & coriander soup’, ‘cannabis & mix-veg stir-fry’, ‘sandalwood & cannabis fresh air spray’, cannabis & lemon grass josticks’, ‘cannabis & menthol lozenges’. Prosecutions are imminent! Meanwhile, the Alhambra High Colonic Clinic in Chiswick, West London, are offering regular customers for a limited time only, an ‘infusion’ of liquified cannabis at the same price as wheatgrass. It remains to be seen whether this extraordinary treatment will become the ‘enema of the people’. I say, bottoms up!

‘FAT’ DOESN’T TRAVEL WELL IN HOT WEATHER!

Giotto's Bell Tower

Mr ‘X’, a 19-stone British tourist, who was refused admission to ascend the recently renovated 183.3 feet, 296 steps Leaning Tower of Pisa in Tuscany, would not be deterred! The rather ‘corpulent’ gentleman travelled on to Florence in order to climb the 279 feet tall, 414-steps Giotto’s Bell Tower attached to Florence Cathedral. Guess what? Mr ‘X’ made it all the way up, but was too f**king exhausted to get back down! Having made an emergency phone call, Italian firefighters had to carry the man all the way to terra firma! May I suggest the next time Mr ‘X’ wishes to see inside historical monuments, he might consider putting his feet up and switching his TV to the Travel Channel!

HOGWARTS IS NOW A ‘FEE PAYING’ SCHOOL!

Hogwarts school

That’s right folks, you heard it here first! Harry Potter’s alma mater, Hogwarts, is to charge potential, young wizards for all classes, magic equipment and board and lodgings. Previously the Ministry of Magic covered the costs of an all-round magical education, but no longer! British Prime Minister, David Cameron has been quoted as saying: “Since Hogwarts is not a Faith school, all previous taxpayer-funded subsidies have been withdrawn.” Of course it didn’t help that Hogwarts entire stock of magical ‘half-blood sausages’ found their way into the hands of ISIS, who are using said blood sausages to down Western planes. US defence contractor, Northrop Grumman Integrated Missile Systems Inc are understandably reluctant to re-supply Hogwarts. Well, can you really blame them? Frankly I think magic is over-rated!

SOLE SURVIVOR…LIMITED EDITION ‘BULLET-PROOF’ LUGGAGE!

bulletproof underwear

Bullet-proof luggage which can be used as a ‘defence shield in the event of an assault’ is going on sale exclusively at Harrods in London, with prices starting from £4,195. The limited-edition TecknoMonster’s Kasor range is protected by dark grey carbon fibre shells inspired by technology from the aviation and space industries, and is made with ‘dangerous travel’ in mind. Customised ‘indestructible’ bullet-proof Kevlar panels can be added to ensure the cases are ‘totally unassailable’.

So whether you travel for business or pleasure to dangerous areas, by train, sea or air, f**k the sensitive data or valuable electronic devices, empty your bullet-proof suitcases, crawl inside and travel in the cargo hold! Two million fatwas have been issued by Islamic clerics since 1998, so if you’ve got one on your head, the TecknoMonster’s Kasor range of bullet-proof luggage is just what you’ve been waiting for! I wonder whether TecknoMonster are prepared to throw in a pair of complimentary Kevlar underpants/panties if you purchase the full range of luggage? Worth considering!

Possible side-effects of travelling incognito inside your bullet-proof, bomb-proof luggage? Poor cell phone and wi-fi reception, light-sensitive eyes, anti-social tendencies, claustrophobia, trapped nerve in back. Advantages? Low carbon footprint! Good luck out there, it’s a je…je…jungle!

SHARKBATE!

shark attackAre sharks getting a bum rap? World media is forever painting the fish as the Hamas of the sea. According to the International Shark Attack File, there have been 2,667 confirmed, unprovoked shark attacks around the world between 1580 and 2013, resulting in 495 fatalities. I suggest many of the attacks have occurred during the last 50-years, as more people have taken up surfing. Meanwhile, 145 countries engage in the trade of shark products. It is estimated 100-million sharks are killed every year, 73-million of which are used for shark fin soup. I haven’t noticed any Japanese taking up surfing, have you? Sharks are caught on Japanese poles, have their fins cut off, and then thrown back into the sea to drown or bleed to death. I think I’m slowly coming round to the shark’s point of view. It’s payback, and payback is a bitch!

BRITISH HOSPITALS SENDING PATIENTS HOME TOO EARLY!

NHSHuh, I can vouch for that! My aunt Suzy underwent a stomach operation at the Benny Hill Teaching Hospital in Newquay, Cornwall. The surgeon hadn’t finished sewing the poor lady up, when the anaesthetist called for a mini-cab to take her home! “What’s the rush,” aunt Suzy asked, coming around in the lift. One of the theatre nurses replied, “We need the theatre for a private patient.” By now Suzy was fully awake. “But what about post-operative complications?” The nurse replied, “Skype me if you begin to feel ill and I’ll talk you through the dying process.” Folks, I wouldn’t even stand still for a NHS finger up my ass. Who knows where that finger’s been, or for that matter, the glove?