Oh no, the Donald is not a revolting slug, but a humanitarian! The legion of women who claim Trump stuck his tongue down their throats failed to mention they were all choking on food at the time! All the Donald did was to save them by using his tongue to dislodge masticated food trapping his victims airways. Everyone knows, the tongue treatment is an alternative to using the Heimlich manoeuvre!



Just heard, John Lewis department store has launched a ‘Home For Christmas’ service, where, for £450:00 a ‘tree stylist’ will pick out the perfect specimen plus accessories and deliver them to your door. But wait, there’s more! Your tree stylist will erect your Christmas tree and decorate it too! And the process all starts with a free in-store Christmas consultation appointment. Yea Gods, and they say the Middle Classes have got their backs against the wall? Quite frankly, if you’re too busy to pick out your own tree and decorate it, well you shouldn’t be bloody celebrating Christmas! Grandparents will be turning in their graves!



Do you suffer from coulrophobia (fear of clowns)? Apparently a ‘killer craze’ that started in America has now crossed the pond to Britain, terrifying children and adults. Dressed as clowns, pranksters with fake knives have been spotted chasing people through the streets. I am not at all surprised professional clowns argue the crazy of scaring people out of their skinny-skin-skins is bringing the art of clowning into disrepute! Personally, I never had a problem with clowns until I read Steven King’s novel ‘IT’, about a murderous clown. The 1990 supernatural horror miniseries based upon the novel was equally scary. Frankly it is about time all clowns were neutered!



arty farty

No, well I have! My younger brother Brian, 29, has successfully blackened my family name. Having been prosecuted 4 times for indecent exposure, and having spent in total, eleven months in prison, no one believed Brian could blacken our once good name still further, yet my brother managed it! Oh what a waste of a supernatural gift! You see Brian was born a precog, in that he possesses precognition as a form of extra-sensory perception. Has he used it to enrich the family coffers by playing the financial markets, no! Has Brian aided the police in catching murderers and rapists, no! Over the past eighteen months, my degenerate brother preoccupied himself by attending premiers and other celebrity haunts in order to feed his fascination with...gas! Using, or should I say, misusing the supernatural gift of precognition, wayward Brian is able to tell which celebrity about to fart, or as he so eloquently puts it, de-gas. Aided by preserve jars with lids, he creeps up behind famous, female celebrities and places an open jar adjacent to a derriere, and, well you can guess the rest! Brian has literary hundreds of fart-filled jars at his home. Although he doesn’t object vegan or vegetarian scented farts, he does tend to go positively ga-ga over female celebrities on the Atkins diet! Having let myself into his house, I recently caught Brian masturbating on his bed whilst surrounded by dozens of opened preserve jars. As it turned out, Brian’s ludicrous predilection for the farts of the famous has become a money-spinner. Selling fart-filled preserve jars online, degenerate Brian has amassed £40,000 in one month. Apparently the Japanese can’t get enough of Western hemisphere farts. Go figure? Apparently there’s no upper limit the Japs won’t pay for a complete set of fart-filled jars belonging to Western girl band members. Well, if that’s true, my advice to the members of Little Mix is…’register your back-end emissions as intellectual property’!



American Satanists have won permission to start a children’s club at a primary school. The After-School Satan club will meet once a month at Sacramento Elementary in Portland, Oregon. A spokesperson for the city’s Satanic Temple, said the club would provide an alternative to the school’s Bible-centred Good News Club. Now I wonder who the After-School Satan club’s first guest speaker will be? “Gee Satan…nice hooves, great horns, but your breath ain’t cutting it!” How about a selfie? America: ‘Land of the free, home of the brave’. Lunatics welcomed!


Chopped Liver

Chopped Liver (Photo credit: @MSG)

“Darling, if you’ve run out of chocolate icing to put on the cake, well you can always use chopped liver!”

Over the years I have suffered from several skin ailments, from eczema to psoriasis to second-degree burns. No balm or ointment worked. Even Dead Sea minerals wouldn’t clear my complexion. As a last resort I tried rubbing chopped liver all over my skin. Wow! I’ve lost count of the number of people who comment on my beautiful complexion. When I mention that I moisturise using chopped liver people stare at me in disbelief. Of course there are certain times of the year when I find it hard to come by the stuff. Passover is one of them! Hoarding should be a crime!

Truly, the benefits of using chopped liver as a moisturiser cannot be underestimated. What follows is also a general feeling of well-being associated with an enhanced state of physical fitness. I run everywhere…I have to, if only to prevent the pack of wild cats and dogs catching up to me.

Yours truly,

The Ambassador for chopped liver.



Wow, an exiting time for bibliophiles! An early draft of D. H. Lawrence’s Lady Chatterley’s Lover has just been unearthed in Nottinghamshire. In it, Constance Chatterley is portrayed as a local gossip and alcoholic, who in later life succumbs to liver failure. Presumably ‘Lady Chatterley’s Liver’ didn’t have the same appeal as ‘Lady Chatterley’s Lover’?



Nah, me neither! I was in love once, and frankly, once was enough! Responsibility, expectations, compromises…who needs it? Let us not forget the painful break-up! I’m definitely out of love with love! People say, ” But what are you going to do when you get old?” “David, who’s going to look after you?” I’ll source a monkey on the internet and train it to act as my valet. Perhaps it’ll even nosh me off? Is that illegal?



Like many people, I like visiting grand historical houses and castles across the length and breadth of Britain. I particularly like visiting historical old Catholic homes that once belonged to historical old Catholics, for I have developed a particular interest in priest holes. Now as I’m sure you are aware, a priest hole is the term given to a hiding place for a priest built into many of the principal Catholic houses of England during the period when Catholics were persecuted by law in England. Many great houses had a priest hole built so that the presence of a priest could be concealed when searches were made of the building. They were cunningly concealed in walls, under floors, behind false fireplaces and behind water closets. The principle architect of said holes was Jesuit lay brother Nicholas Owen who was canonised as a martyr by Pope Paul VI in 1970, long after the man was tortured to death in the Tower of London.

Anyway, having entered Ripley Castle in North Yorkshire, I happened to approach a gentleman vicar and asked him if I could visit the priest hole. Later that night, having enjoyed an Italian meal washed down  with two bottles of Chianti, conversation returned to the priest’s hole. “Mini cab!” It turned out I didn’t have Catholic tastes after all! I might be liberal in nature, but I’m no libertine!





When I ingesting food via an umbilical cord, one could only buy fragrant roses in two or three different colours. Thanks to horticultural genetic manipulation, roses now come in a multitude of different colours, but none possess any scent. Is not this development an example of insanity? Now we are in the 21st century and planning a mission to Mars, surely North Korea shouldn’t exist? If China doesn’t completely deconstruct its attack dog once and for all, eventually (20-years) North Korea will be bombed from the air by another Western allied coalition? I keep myself to myself because most people out there are plum crazy!




A spokesperson for The Who said recently that men and women returning from countries where the Zika virus is active should practice safe sex or abstain for 6-months regardless of whether they are trying to conceive. Huh, that’s rich, coming from a group of geriatric reprobates who spent 50-years cutting a swathe through society’s vaginas! Shit…so solly…that’s the World Health Organisation, not The Who rock band! Now I feel like a proper Charlie!



Keith ‘Teflon’ Vaz, Labour MP, has just stood down as Chair of the Home Affairs Select Committee after 10-years, after a Daily Mail sting exposed the politician for allegedly paying male escorts for sex and allegedly offering to pay for cocaine. I for one would like to know if Keith Vaz has or intends to claim the cost of his not so private life on MPs expenses? The public purse is not bottomless, or is it? I don’t suppose Mrs Vaz intends noshing her husband off any time soon!



Further to an earlier post regarding human longevity, ever since Alexander Fleming discovered penicillin in 1928, medical science has striven to extend our lives through numerous biological, chemical and engineering breakthroughs, but with no thought as to what Western society is to do with an ageing population that costs a packet to keep going! There are no spare beds in hospitals, and the cost of a bed in a residential home for the elderly averages out at £1000 per week! I don’t suppose between 1928 and 1946 anyone considered that one day computers would rule the world, making tens of millions of able-bodied people redundant. Life certainly has a value, but quite what that value is I don’t know! AGE is just a number only if one remains in good health!