‘X-FILES’!

freedom 3

Just watched first episode of the new ‘X-Files’ series. Did not disappoint! Now although I don’t believe in the existence of God or extraterrestrials, I do believe in world domination by cliques, cabals, who control multi-national corporations, and whose influence extends right into the heart of government. The price of a barrel has recently plummeted. Someone arranged it, and someone is profiting from the collapse. Control of entire populations is by no means a new phenomena. In fact, we have always been intellectually dominated through sophisticated means of manipulation for as long as there has been the means of mass communication. Governments only last 4/5 years. Enfranchising a population is designed to make you believe you have the power to elect a particular political party to power, but the power isn’t with the government. The ‘vote’ is intended to give us the illusion we have power, whereas in fact we have none! All major decisions are made for us by individuals we’ve never heard of and never will! And if you think I’m dead wrong, then why are we still paying death duties after a lifetime of paying tax? How come no one has mobilised social media to encourage the picketing of our government buildings? In conclusion, I would say this, your freedoms and mine are but illusionary! We are all free to do what we are told!!

STRANGERS IN PARADISE!

death duties

There has been a lot of radio chatter in recent years about visitors from outer space, but no one as yet has seen an extra-terrestrial. None has been photographed, either in Trafalgar Square, or photomombing movie premier selfies. Why then are aliens conspicuous by their absence when you consider Earth is a welcoming place, and rich in natural resources? One would think out planet is the perfect place for strangers to put down roots, become citizens and transfer their assets to? The truth is, no alien in his right mind is willing to pay inheritance tax, which remains 40% over a current threshold in Britain and America, 55% in Japan, 45% in France, 35% in Spain and 30% in Germania! Inheritance tax remains an abomination! One pays tax all one’s working life, and on private pensions, only for the government of the day to grab a final bloody great big chunk of a deceased’s estate, denying heirs what is rightfully theirs!  And by the way, another reason extraterrestrials are so reluctant to relocate to Earth has to do with our ‘heavy-duty’ gravity, which I am reliably informed will inevitably cause Mr Grey’s skin to stretch! Worried about one day having to pay inheritance tax, these outer-spacers who might otherwise consider plastic surgery, cannot presently justify the spend!

 

NEW WIND FARM LUNACY!

wind farms

Is there no end to Man’s stupidity? The world’s largest offshore wind farm is to be built off the coast of Yorkshire, 75-miles out to sea. ‘Hornsea Project One’, consisting of 174 huge turbines is to be built by Danish firm, Dong Energy. Each turbine will be 620 feet tall. Compare this with Nelson’s Column, which stands 169 feet, 3-inches! It is expected the new wind farm will generate enough energy to supply power to more than one million homes. Really? At 620 feet, how long will it be before a North Sea wind breaks some of the turbines in two? No doubt the British taxpayer will foot the bill!?

WAR IS ‘SO’ UN-PC!

absurd

If we believe the newspaper reports, British soldiers are being sued left, right and centre for behaving as soldiers are supposed to behave in the field of battle. God forbid our boys actually shoot an enemy combatant who hasn’t actually shot at them first! Must British soldiers wait until have holes in their stomachs before shooting back? It now appear British forces may be prevented from detaining prisoners of war for more than a few days in cases it breaches ‘their’ human rights!? Perhaps our troops should go into battle armed with business cards. “This is a name of a really good solicitor. Please instruct him to sue me for breaches of your human rights at his earliest convenience!”  

IT IS NO LONGER A DOG’S LIFE…FOR DOGS!?!

bulldog 1

It’s official…apparentlydogs are suffering from depression, and all thanks to the wet winters, as opposed to dry, cold winters. Owners have cut down on daily walks, causing dogs to become bored with their sedentary lifestyles. Incidences of dogs phoning the Samaritans helpline have increased 5-fold! Some animals are refusing to eat, while others are pulling out their fur! Conversely, those breeds with higher brain functions are taking up Bridge, online poker and backgammon, leading to an increase in household indebtedness. To quote Engelbert Humperdinck: “Please release me, let me go, I need to urinate and defecate in the snow. Now open the fucking door!”

‘PUNCH & JUDY’!

punch and judy

The now defunct Punch & Judy show that was once an integral part of British seaside culture and dated back the 17th century, hasn’t been performed in public since 2004, when local authorities up and down the country refused to grant performance licences. It was believed the violent puppet show promoted domestic violence towards women, and child abuse. The outrageous comedy/anarchic clowning included characters such as, Mr Punch, Judy, his long-suffering wife, a crocodile and a baby. Since Punch & Judy was banned and protection laws strengthened, there is no evidence to suggest domestic violence towards women and child abuse has declined one iota. In fact, there has been an increase in both, and an explosion of online trolling! Frankly, only a fool or a politician would ever have believed a ridiculous puppet show might encourage anyone to hit or abuse anyone else! I remind you all, 98 British children aged 10 to 14 committed suicide in the past decade. Peer pressure and social media may have played a part in some of the deaths. None can be blamed on a Punch & Judy show! I am however surprised critics of the puppet show haven’t blamed the escalation of incidences of female genital mutilation (FGM) in Britain on Mr Punch. Perhaps he and his ‘cohorts’ are responsible for the missing 10,000 unaccompanied children who are believed to have been trafficked by gangsters across EU borders, for purposes of child labour and prostitution!? British Society continues to be governed my morons with double-firsts from Oxbridge!

THE STRONGEST ‘VAGINA’ IN THE WORLD!?

vagina weight lifting

American Kim Anami, 44, who travels the world demonstrating her unique abilities of lifting weights using her genitals, claims the art of ‘vaginal Kung-Fu‘ strengthens the pelvic floor and increases a woman’s sexual pleasure. Who am I to argue with that? String is tied around a jade egg which is inserted into her vagina. At the other end of the string hangs a weight, and bob’s your uncle, you have an election swingometer. Apparently the practice of hanging weights from a standard issue vagina is based upon 5000-year-old Taoist practices. Perhaps the fact there was no television 5000 years ago may go some way towards explaining why Taoist women chose to engage their vaginas in this strange social activity? I have already emailed Kim Anami, asking her to help me move some heavy furniture. All I require is a simple ‘yes’ or ‘no’. I do hope Kim doesn’t insist on a protracted vagina monologue?

I’M DYING TO DYE MY LABIA…HUH?

English: Pink button icon. Français : Icône de...

English: Pink button icon. Français : Icône de bouton rose. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Restoring colour to one’s aging lips that no longer receive the blood supply they once did has apparently become a bit of an obsession for appearance-conscious women. An obsession you say? That’s news to me! My New Pink Button’ is a temporary genital dye designed to restore women’s labia to a ‘youthful pink’.  Excuse me, but what happens when your partner goes down on you? Might not he…or she get a mouthful of shoe dye? Anyway, available to buy on Amazon for £23 ($36.95),  My New Pink Button comes in four shades, ‘Ginger’, ‘Marilyn’, ‘Bettie’ and  ‘Audrey’. The website states that the ‘patent pending formula’ was designed by a certified Paramedical Esthetician after she discovered her own genital colour loss. Surely it is the type of market driven product that should appear on ‘Dragons Den’. Each so-called Dye System Kit includes 20  disposable applicators, a mixing dish, the labia colourant and an instructional  guide. The four shades of dye mean you can pick the level and intensity of change – ranging from Marilyn at the lighter end to Audrey at the darkest. So, correct me if I’m wrong, are we talking…mood swing labia? Lady parts have never had so much attention!

DO YOU HAVE A ‘RODENT’ PROBLEM?

rat weight lifting

Wetherspoons in Trowbridge, Wiltshire, was forced to close temporarily when a customer complained a rat ran up his trouser leg and pinched a chip from his hand. The pest control expert who captured said rat immediately handed it over to police officers, who escorted the rodent to a refugee centre at Heathrow Airport. Naturally Wetherspoons took the ratatouille starter off the menu. And quite right too! Just a moment, I was under the impression rats traditionally jump from the sinking ship known as Great Britain?

THANK GOD JANUARY IS OVER!

begging dog

Have you noticed how many televised begging bowls come out in January? Praying on our collective consciousness after our Christmas over-indulgencies, we are persuaded to part with small sums of money via direct debits and texts, in order to save the lives of adults and children in the underdeveloped world who are currently dying from lack of water, lack of food and unsanitary living conditions. Excuse me, but doesn’t the British Government send nearly £13 billion of taxpayers money to Third World countries every bloody year, in the ‘guise’ of foreign aid? Doesn’t the European Union forward billions more too? How many times must we pay to ease our collective social conscience? Bearing in mind a great deal of foreign aid is ‘traditionally misappropriated’ by corrupt Third World government officials, who spend the money on themselves and their families, whatever left, spent on small arms which is used to subjugate their people, it could be argued, of your £2 a month regular charitable donation, perhaps less than half is actually used to save a life. The remaining 50% may well be used to take a life! I do donate money to charities, but only to animal charities based in Britain! Hey, I guess I’m just not a people person!?

‘COMMUNITY’…DOES IT EXIST?

COMMUNITY SPIRIT

Adolph Hitler said: ‘Ein volke, ein reich, ein schokolade éclair, und es ist alle grube, also halten sie ihre thieving hande von ihr!’ (‘One people, one nation, one chocolate éclair, and it’s all mine, so keep your thieving hands off it!’) And to quote George Orwell (Animal Farm): ‘We are all equal, only some of us are more equal than others!’ Honestly folks, people can be so ‘anal’, don’t you think? Politicians bang on about the ‘international’ community, while activists talk about ‘local’ communities, yet I have thus far been unable to experience this so-called ‘community spirit’! My fear is, most people are out for themselves and are rarely prepared to make sacrifices to the benefit of others. You may counter this appraisal of the human condition by reminding me of the recent flood victims community spirit present in the north of England, and how they all pulled together. Must it take a natural disaster for communities to work in unison for a common good?

BREASTFEEDING IS SO…YESTERDAY!

witch

Now according to The Lancet, British breastfeeding mothers are in rapid decline! Only 1 in 200, or 0.5% are breastfeeding their babies after 1 year. Compare this with 23% in Germania, 56% in Brazil and 99% in Senegal! Why in Britain, only 34% of nurturing mothers are breastfeeding at six months! Could this have anything to do with our poor weather? Perhaps there is some truth in the expression, ‘As cold as a witch’s tit!’ There is currently a campaign to encourage British MPs to breastfeed in the House of Commons. Of the 650 Parliamentarians, 191 are currently female. I say ‘currently’, because transsexualism is trending, so who knows how many of the 191 will one day turn up to vote in pinstripe suits?

SORRY, I’M AN OPERA PHILISTINE!

opera

Philistinism: An uncouth person, hostile to art, culture, beauty, spirituality and intellect. Or, one who is smugly narrow of mind! Oh f**k right off will you, I just don’t like opera, and absolutely hate it when opera singers take on popular songs only to butcher them! Opera? Why I’ve heard sweeter music escaping from a bloated corpse!

The 5* Corinthia Hotel, Whitehall, London SW1, is the venue for the ‘world premier’ of an Opera Installation, running from 25th January to the 3rd of February. Apparently the new opera that promises to reveal ‘the secret life of an hotel’ will be breaking out all over the hotel, thanks to roving singers. If the ‘snippet’ I heard on BBC news is anything to go by, it might be worth me paying the £35:00 premium ticket just so I might interrupt the singers with my pre-recorded, seven minute long ‘Flatulent Concerto’ now that I’ve ironed out any bum notes! Talk about breaking bad!

DID YOU ENJOY YOUR TOILET BREAK?

toilet paper

Indefinite toilet breaks in the privacy of your own privy may soon become a thing of the past! The British Government is so short of money to waste, it intends bulldozing a law through Parliament forcing every householder to pay for the installation of a toilet meter that will record how much time we all spend on our personal shitters! At the end of each month, we would all receive a ‘privy bill’, and have seven days in which to pay for it! Currently, the Government’s toilet ‘white paper’ (first draft of bill) is about to get a reading in the House. If the privy bill ever becomes law, well, you can forget about sitting on the bog reading ‘War & Peace’, or skimming through a copy of ‘Hello’ magazine to see which of your favourite celebrities has just had plastic surgery! My advice is, get up from the toilet…unless you’ve got diarrhoea…and start campaigning!