LA DOLCE VITA!

adopt me

Even ‘A’ list celebrities don’t turn their noses up at a bargain! Over the last few years I’m sure you’ve read about several famous actresses and singers who have adopted infants, many from Third World countries. Some women can’t have children, or already have children and don’t want any more naturally, perhaps because it may interrupt a hot career. I wonder if Mia Farrow, Angelina Jolie, Madonna, Emma Thompson or Cate Blanchett want to adopt an adult? I’m already house trained and have been off the breast for several years now! Hey, what’s so wrong in wanting to be kept in the style to which I have become accustomed? Oh, I don’t mind having the bedroom nearest to the fridge and wine cellar. Now as far as making a contribution is concerned…f**king forget it!

BUMPED INTO AN OLD SCHOOLFRIEND!

cyborgBut I wish I hadn’t! Simon Borg, or…Siborg as everyone used to call him, is now a very successful solicitor, whereas I never made it as a writer, but I wasn’t about to tell him that! I told Siborg that I travel on a diplomatic passport and hunt demons for a living, a service for which I am paid very handsomely! Siborg wanted further details. Naturally I refused to divulge them. “Well if ever you need the services of a decent solicitor…” I cut him dead! “Being that my actions put me above all manmade laws, I doubt very much I will ever need to avail myself of your services. Now you must excuse me. I have to go and sharpen my knives!”

SHEEP DOG DRONE!

sheepdog 1Irish farmer Paul Brennan has replaced his ‘paw’ sheepdog with the world’s first drone sheepdog, or remote-controlled quadcopter, aptly called ‘Shep’. The National Farmer’s Union doesn’t appear to be too keen on the idea, presumably because if hovering drone sheepdogs catch on, thousands of real sheepdogs across the nation will be made redundant, forcing them to claim social security payments and retraining allowances. Shep may well be able to do the work of two dogs on a long battery charge, but there is no way it will be allowed to enter the National Sheepdog Trials competition. Never mind, in 150-years even flocks of sheep will have metal skins, and no doubt nanobots in their milk!

SEX WITH MY NANNY!

SMILEY FACE

When I was nine and my sister was only six, we had a 19-year-old, live in, busty Austrian nanny called Helga, who impressed the hell out of me with her ability to write on a wall with a biro lodged between her toes, but as it turned out that was not the young lady’s only talent! Helga was no ‘Maria’, and nor as it turned out was she a nun in the making, for digit calligraphy was not her only talent!

One afternoon when she and I were alone in the house, Helga emerged from the bathroom completely naked. Having spotted my ‘stiffy’, she said, “David, I vont you to touch me.” I pointed my right index finger, reached up and touched Helga’s forehead. “Nein, lower…dummkopf!” I removed my fingertip from the young woman’s forehead and placed it on the tip of her…nose. “David, I’m goink to teach you all about sex!” Helga took me by the hand and led me towards her bedroom.

“Will it ever go down,” I asked, two hours later, “or am I permanently disfigured?” Secret sex with Helga continued for six whole months, until she returned to Salzburg. Four years later I found myself standing in front of the congregation at Alyth Gardens Synagogue in north-west London. The Rabbi spoke about what a Bar Mitzvah meant and the ‘coming of age’, when a boy becomes a man. I didn’t have the heart to tell the Rabbi I was already a man, for  I’d ‘shot my load’ several times, with a partner and solo! Yes, Helga had committed a crime. Today, if found out she would be prosecuted to the full extent of the law, and I would be offered sympathy and psychological counselling, when all I would really want would be even more sex!

Cut to present day! Yoga instructor Linda Randomski, 32, allegedly got drunk at a bar mitzvah celebration in Scottsdale, Arizona, and urged boys between the ages of 11 and 15 to fondle her breasts. Allegedly, Randomski even gave one boy a blowjob! She now faces sexual misconduct charges! Clearly the yoga instructor bent over backwards to ingratiate herself! Smiley faces all round then? It is said Jews are obsessed with the accumulation of wealth, whereas in fact they are even more obsessed with sex!

 

CAN’T PEE…WON’T PEE!

mannequins near urinalsPresent day…Chinese restaurant located in city of Taiyuan, in northern Chinese province of Shanxi! Male customers claim scantily-clad mannequins standing behind glass urinals are so distracting, they have difficulty peeing! Huh, I bet they don’t have difficulty knocking one out though! So who says the Chinese don’t have imagination and only steal other people’s ideas? Why I bet New York’s Studio 54 never had naked static mannequins in the Gents? The above picture may well offend feminists, but in some quarters it must represent an art installation!

POLITICIANS HAVE NO IDEA HOW TO RELATE TO YOU AND I!

george osborneIn the recent and last budget before the upcoming May general erection, British Chancellor George Osborne took 1 penny off the price of a pint of beer! As if that miniscule gesture is going to ingratiate him in the eyes of the electorate, particularly when booze prices have been subjected to increases in every budget since Osborne became Chancellor of the Exchequer in 2005! Rather, he should have said: “Look, since all I can only afford to take off a pint of beer is a measly 1 penny, which is a derisory amount, I’m not going to take anything off the price of a British pint. However, should the Conservatives get re-elected in may, I will do my utmost to reduce the duty on beer by more than 1 penny in future budgets.” A bit of common sense honesty would have endeared the man to the public, and ultimately in the voting booth! Politicians really do think we’re all dim-witted!

ANOTHER BLIND DATE!

vampire stakeI went on yet another blind date the other night. Meeting the dark-haired, porcelain-skinned young lady at an Italian restaurant in Mayfair, she introduced herself as one Vicky Van Helsing. The name rang a bell! She purported to be a direct descendant of Dutch doctor, Professor Abraham Van Helsing, the archenemy of Count Dracula. I’ve been out with some deluded women in my time, but ‘Vicky’ took the biscuit! Desperate to get laid, to my utter shame I played along with the charade! “What do you want to eat,” I asked. Vicky replied, “I’m in the mood for a stake, with lots of garlic!” ‘What a novel idea’, I thought. 

VOTE FOR THE POLITICIAN WHO TELLS THE TRUTH!

lies, damn lies and statisticsOh dear me, on that basis the candidate choice in the upcoming general erection is decidedly…limited! Now according to the Government, led by David Cameron, the economy is healthy and a lot more people are in work! The truth is, in the last 5-years the Government has borrowed £500billion! Of the 800,000 people who have found work, many are either in part-time jobs, or are tied to zero-hour contracts, which is tantamount to slavery! While Cameron insists on sending almost £13billion abroad every 12-months in foreign aid, much of it stolen by foreign government officials, 900,000 British citizens survive on hand-outs from the 400+ food banks! Other than interim money for disaster relief, if I was in power I would make all foreign aid…illegal!!

LONDONERS ARE THE ‘LEAST FRIENDLY’ PEOPLE IN BRITAIN!

zombie 1

Yes, that’s right, according to a Cambridge University study that marked out the ‘personality map’ of the whole of Britain, Londoners are the least friendly, the least conscientious, and the most neurotic! Well what do you expect? The cost of living in London is the highest in Britain, the public transport system is often appalling, you can’t drive anywhere without getting stuck in traffic jams, and when you finally arrive at your destination, late, you can’t find anywhere to f**king park! Furthermore, there are more people on zero-hour contracts in London than in any other part of the country, while the divide between the stinking rich and the poor has never been so wide! If a zombie apocalypse was to start anywhere in the British Isles, the epicentre is likely to be…London, so be there or be…rectangle!

LITERATURE LITE!

Charles Dickens, a former resident of Lant Street.

Charles Dickens, a former resident of Lant Street. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

I read somewhere that Muslim clerics having transcribed the six hundred odd pages of the Koran in Saddam Hussein’s blood, (late CEO of Iraq) put the work on display behind a glass cabinet. Now I don’t wanna make a fuss, however I have to tell you I recently did a similar thing, but with a lot less fanfare. Exiting my local tavern in order to have a piss in the snow, I decided to write my life story. I got up to the age of eleven when my bladder ran out of lager. Technically, I guess mine was an unfinished work. Reminded of ‘The mystery of Edwin Drood’, it occurred to me that Dickens must have run out of piss too.

Meanwhile, an Idaho couple have devised the Clean Reader app for ebooks that can cover up any rude words in electronic versions of novels, while offering ‘politer’ alternative adjectives. So if you want a ‘beige’ version of Lady Chatterley’s Lover and Trainspotting, the app might well be for you? Although a ‘redacted’ version of anything by Anais Nin might leave you with nothing left to read! Naturally ‘living’ authors are up in arms at the thought of having novels edited without their consent! Maybe, if you are so easily offended, you should stick to reading Winnie-the-Pooh, although I suspect the word ‘Pooh’ may well be edited out too!

RETURN OF THE ‘X-FILES’!

acting

Yes, that’s right, Fox Mulder and Dana Scully are all set to reprise their roles. I wish them success, however the world and television has moved on since the 90s, so success is not necessarily guaranteed! Public tastes change rapidly. Interesting, isn’t it, how some TV shows can travel out of the decade they were made in and other cannot! One can still enjoy the Sweeney, 30-years later, and Kojak, yet The Avengers (Steed & Peel) is so embarrassingly dated, it’s almost too comical to watch! The writing is surprisingly…juvenile, yet when I watched it for the first time, I considered The Avengers…sophisticated. Even the New Avengers wasn’t any better! Anyway, let us hope the truth is still out there? I look forward with anticipation to watching Mulder and Scully washing one another’s backs in a Jacuzzi!

I SPY WITH MY LITTLE ‘HIGH-TECH’ EYE!

 

snooping 2Isn’t it funny how it’s only the politicians who talk about the ‘international community’? It really is a myth you know. Other than famine/disaster relief, here is no international community. States only pool resources when there is something at risk, or something to gain, like good PR! Who can be seen not to lend a hand when the lives of voters are at stake? In truth every country is spying on every other country via telecom surveillance tech or drones. The US is spying on Germany, France, Canada, Russia, China and us, while GCHQ in Cheltenham, Gloucestershire is spying on everyone else, as is China, Russia and France! Mostly, spying agencies working on behalf of any one particular State want to know whether agreements are being honoured. If covert, unsanctioned spying can find out who is talking to who in secret and who is sleeping with who, more the better! Miniature microphones with a range of up to two miles can fit in an average size politician’s anus, and often are. In an arena in which votes are often traded for little more than the price of an oriental carpet or a Mercedes-Benz, would you be surprised to know, several representatives of the United Nations are anally buggeredbugged? Really, anal fissures are a small price to pay for quality information! Furthermore, why pay for intellectual property rights when you can steal it! And thanks to new technology, State sponsored industrial espionage has never been so productive! International community? Oh don’t make me laugh. It’s a dog eat dog world out there!

GENITAL PIERCINGS AND THE NANNY STATE!

kaboom

According to a World Health Organisation (WHO) directive referencing female genital mutilation, the term FGM now also applies to any woman who has consented to having her clitoris or labia pierced for fashion or sexual reasons. Thus Britain’s National Health Service health professionals must theoretically report any woman or girl with similar piercings, who intentionally altered or caused injury to her female genital organs for non-medical reasons. Err, excuse me, but what about male genital piercings, what, no mention? Is genital piercing any more of an unnatural practice than covering your whole body with tattoos? Is that too soon to be outlawed for medical reasons? If you really want to harp on about unnatural practices, the WHO might concentrate on the unnatural practice of rogue states continually threatening the rest of us with nuclear holocaust! That is certainly more injurious to our general well-being than the odd consensual female genital piercing, don’t you think? Mate, get your priorities straight! Self-expression is a right no one should be allowed to take away from us!

By the bye, once upon a time ex-girlfriend Shelley and I discussed getting ‘his & her’ piercings as a substitute for neither of us wanting children. Yes I know, I was and proudly remain…immature!

POLITICAL CORRECTNESS GONE MAD!

No political correctness

No political correctness (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Leighton Buzzard Town Hall Council removed posters advertising a circus following a complaint from a woman who is scared of  clowns (coulrophobia). That’s one complaint in a town of 28,000 people!

A taxi driver Denise Said, 56, who had three English flag signs stuck on the doors and boot of her vehicle was banned from having a St George’s Cross sticker in her cab because it could discriminate against foreigners. After getting just one complaint she received a letter from the council accusing her of breaching equality laws. Teignbridge Council in Devon said the stickers would leave anyone who is not English at a ‘disadvantage in their day-to-day life’. Is this not political correctness gone made? Are we not encouraged to be proud of our country? After all, The British Tourist Board spends millions of pounds ‘selling’ Britain abroad!

It is ridiculous to cater for or pander to minorities of one! That is not an example of democracy working…that is post democracy!

Now that’s just insulting!

In the current climate of political correctness, you can’t call a black man ‘black’, you are discouraged from calling a redhead ‘ginger’, and now, in order to protect people from weight discrimination, soon you may not be able to mock the overweight. That’s right, there are calls to make ‘fattism’ illegal! Protecting everyone from every kind of ‘slight’ does not make us an enlightened and sophisticated society, but it does limit our freedom of speech and expression. Criminalizing every kind of personal insult is ridiculous in the extreme! A utopian society is never going to materialize!!

DO YOU FEEL THE HEAT?

benny hillBritain’s Energy Secretary, Ed Davey said, technology that takes heat from 4000 rivers, estuaries, coastal sites and canals could be used to heat 1 million homes! Oh do f**k off, it will never happen! The technology might exit, but with Benny Hill types running the country, taking heat from water will end up costing five times as much as one could charge the consumer. It is a well known fact, here in Britain we couldn’t arrange a piss up in a brewery, and that’s why there is no longer a British car industry!