ANIMAL NEWS!

lambMunich police raided a brothel after a drugs-related tip off. Narcotics were indeed uncovered, along with a 3-week-old lamb who answered to the name of ‘Birke’. Bleating about his living conditions, said creature was taken into protective custody where an animal behavioural psychologist tried to calm Birke. When this didn’t work, officers fed the lamb bottled milk and freshly cut grass. It is hoped Birke will eventually turn supergrass if he doesn’t go on the lam first!

I JUST FELL OUT WITH MY NEIGHBOUR!

bacon candle

One of my neighbour’s, Joan, who previously was a good friend of mine has just fallen out with me over of all things, a scented candle! I had been looking after her home while she was travelling across India for 6-weeks you see. Anyway, there was a problem with a sewage pipe just before Joan’s return. I called in a plumber to sort things out, which thankfully he did, but not before the house stank of raw sewage. Having opened all the windows and doors, I grabbed a scented candle from my house and lit it in Joan’s. Okay, so what if it was a bacon-scented candle? Surely the smell of bacon was preferable to the smell of raw sewage? Err, apparently not! I’d forgotten that Joan was a strict Vegan!

I WANT ANOTHER DOG…

king charles 2

…to keep my Cavalier Bunnee company. I don’t mind what breed I get as long as the dog doesn’t bark much. At the same time, having bought a new television, I also need a sound bar, so I thought I would kill two birds with one stone and search online for two sub-woofers!

STATE OPENING OF PARLIAMENT…OH WHAT A PRODUCTION!

 

 

 

Crown jewels

Yesterday was the State Opening of Parliament, where even ‘straight’ members of the House of Lords wore ermine! To avoid the taking of embarrassing ‘selfies’ that might later appear on social media, the Sergeant-at-Arms confiscated all smartphones from those Freddie Mercury look-a-likes. Thinking about it, since successive British Governments have relinquished most of its legislative powers to Brussels, I don’t quite know why such a big deal is made of  the SOP? Now although the Parliamentary ‘event’ was televised live, the Queen’s speech had been recorded much earlier because Her Most Gracious Maj had made herself ‘unavailable’ due to a prior engagement. That’s right, in order to take advantage of ‘special offers’, ‘impoverished’ Queen Eliza has camped out all night in order to be at the front of the queue at the Westminster branch of Aldi supermarket. The following transcript was taken off of a security camera and leaked to The Guardian newspaper.

Her Maj: “Excuse me peasant-type person, would you mind stepping awf my f**king train? That’s better! Now, I’m looking for a crown. Would you care to point your monarch in the right direction?”

Peasant-type person:“But you’re wearing one on your head, a crown!”

Her Maj: “A crown of turkey!” The pleb took QE by the hand and led her towards the frozen food section. “Oh thank you awfully, you awful person. That takes care of the corgies supper, now kindly point out where I might find f**king economy sausages!” The basket full, Her Maj headed towards the checkout, where she was heard to whisper, “I carry neither cash nor credit cards. I do hope Aldi offers one credit?”

Cashier: “Nein!” 

Her Maj: “Well that’s ‘most’ inconvenient. I’ll have you know I’m from immigrant stock myself! Consideration is expected!” The cashier shook her head. “Well you can hardly expect me to leave my crown as security!” Thankfully a man stepped forward and happily paid the Queen’s bill. “Young man, would you be interested in an unpaid internship at my London town house?” A humble nod was all Her Majesty required. “In that case go find me a packet of J-cloths. And once you’ve dusted me crown you can find me a packet of twenty ‘Sovereign’, I’m dying for a smoke!” Suddenly a dreadful noise was heard coming from outside the supermarket where Queen Eliza had parked her horse and carriage. “Oh dear me, it would appear one of one’s nags has succumbed to raging diarrhoea. What a f**king inconvenience! Now ‘about’ that unpaid internship?”

CRIMEWAVES ARE TEMPERATURE SENSITIVE!?

CAT BURGLAR 1

Well who would have thought? After an exhaustive study of 6.6 million police records over ten years, results revealed at the Society of Evidence-Based Policing conference indicate, the optimum temperature for criminals is 64F (18C). Experts believe while warm temperatures may make people more aggressive, heatwaves produce fewer crimewaves because offenders are plum tuckered out by the oppressive temperatures and would much prefer to stay indoors, smoke dope and plan their next caper! Huh, one would have thought an enterprising criminal would operate above 64F and carry ice-packs and bottles of water? Following the 2011 UK riots that spread exponentially, I expect Britain’s 48 police constabularies will be keeping a careful eye on their barometers. Folks, the lesson to be learned here is, once the temperature hits 64F, close all your windows and double lock your front doors! Oh, it has not been made clear what the optimum operating temperature is for foreign born terrorists who are used to oppressive heatwaves, so remain vigilant!

RARE ‘GUTTENBERG BIBBLE’ FOUND!

Gutenberg bible

An extremely rare, complete 1455 First Edition copy of the Guttenberg Bibble was recently discovered in a lockbox beneath a bed in a house in Christchurch, Dorset, in Bournemouth, England. It belonged to a now deceased art restorer named Henry Pugh. Widow Doris, 89 took it to a rare book dealer in London in order to find out a) was the Bibble genuine, and b) its value? Well the word went out and bibliophiles from around the world, together with museum curators and a Vatican antiquities representative flocked to a secret, secure address in London in order to first authenticate the Bibble before making sealed bids for it.

Hey, what I wanted to know was, what was so damn special about a Guttenberg Bibble that stirs the loins of so many bibliophiles? Well, Johann Guttenberg revolutionised the ‘distribution of knowledge’ by inventing the first ever Movable Metal Type Printing Press Machine. All books had previously been written by hand or printed from engraved wooden ‘blocks’. Therefore the dissemination of knowledge took years, and books therefore cost a small fortune. It followed that until the advent of the printing press, the poor continued to wallow in ignorance! The Latin language Bibble was the first book Guttenberg actually printed, and in Germania! There were believed to be only 160 to 180 copies of the 1455 First Edition ever printed, and only 21 complete copies are thought to exist today. The ‘handmade’ paper was imported from Italy, and each sheet possessed the paper maker’s watermark. The Guttenberg Bibble contained 1286 pages and weighed 14 pounds. Value in today’s market? Perhaps $30million!

Regrettably, after all the hype, interest and examination, it turned out Mrs Pugh’s copy was a fake! Bibliophilists were so concerned with the Bibble’s content, no one had thought to peruse the actual leather binding. Gutenberg only had 1 ‘G’ in it, and the Bible only has 1 ‘B’ in it. Henry Pugh was in fact more than just an art restorer, but a master art forgery too. Unfortunately the man was ‘somewhat’ dyslexic!

ODE TO VLADIMIR ‘PUT THE BOOT IN’ PUTIN!

vladimir putin

There lives a certain man in Russia

He is big and strong, in his eyes a flaming glow

Most people look at him with terror and fear

But to Moscow chicks he is such a lovely dear

He could preach the bible like a preacher

Full of ECSTACY and fire women do desire

RA RA RasPUTIN

Lover of the Russian QUEEN

RA RA RasPUTIN

Russia’s greatest lerve machine.

THE WORLD’S OLDEST JEWISH PRAYER BOOK AND SMOKE SALMON & CREAM CHEESE BAGEL!

Torah binder

Torah binder (Photo credit: Center for Jewish History, NYC)

A rare Hebrew text dating back to the 9th century has been unveiled by a collector of rare biblical artefacts – and it is  believed to be the world’s oldest Jewish prayer-book. Discovered in Jerusalem, the 50-page binder measures 3in x 4in. The text is written in an archaic form of Hebrew with Babylonian vowel markings, similar to the undecipherable scribbles British school children write across their exercise books today! Carbon dating the Hebrew text suggests the book is believed to have been made around 840 C.E. Apparently the book predates the earliest Torah scrolls ever found by around 400 years and could be an important link between the time of the Dead Sea Scrolls and medieval Judaism.

Authentic? Hold the phone Joan! If the book is so authentic, then how come page 5 details ‘How to make a lemon meringue pie’, whilst page 11 is devoted to the ‘extraction, stripping, cleaning and reassembly of the starter motor to a Harley Davidson ‘Sportster’ 1984-1996′ ? As W.C. Fields once said: ‘There’s a sucker born every minute!’ Now let me tell you about the world’s oldest Jewish smoke salmon & cream cheese bagel discovered by archeologists only the other day in down town Jerusalem! Carbon dating reveals it dates back to at least 631 BC. Most amazingly the salmon content of the bagel had lost none of its heady aroma! Yes, yes, I know I’m a Philistine!

THE OBESITY TIME-BOMB!

 

feed me

Rising obesity levels due to over-eating and lack of exercise are forcing hospital bosses to invest millions of pounds adapting hospitals and buying specialist equipment to handle larger patients; Reinforced beds capable of taking the weight of a hippopotamus, wider corridors to cope with blubber spillagediamond-tipped power tool blades designed to cut through even the most stubborn fat and larger morgue fridges with built-in mini-bars! Even the patient toilets have been hastily upgraded to withstand a pressure of 400psi. While ‘back supports’ will be incorporated in all new nurses uniforms, new, longer, wider and heavier ambulances will be made by the same defence contractor that supplies the British Army with tanks. Why only the other day while visiting a friend in hospital I was almost run over in a corridor by a…forklift truck!

Apparently there are so many fat f**kers out there, Western society is going to experience an obesity time-bomb over the next few years, but how exactly will this impact on you or I? Does it mean the increased cost of healthcare for ‘waddlers’…heart disease & diabetes…will come out of the public purse, or does the impending obesity time-bomb refer only to those ‘larger than life’ individuals who are expected to spontaneously combust, showering those around them in yellow, viscous whale blubber? I think I’ll get into the habit of wearing a waterproof Poncho while out and about! I myself am borderline obese, but I’m not going to reveal here which side of the border I reside!

MYSTERY RADIO BURSTS FROM OUTER SPACE!

radio messages from space

Scientists have been attempting to work out what is causing…Fast Radio Bursts (FRBs) from outside the Milky Way that last but a few milliseconds, come seemingly from nowhere, and have been coming seemingly from nowhere for 17-years! Are the FRBs merely flaming stars, white dwafts merging, neutron stars colliding, or are they in fact of intelligent extra-terrestrial origin?

As an amateur astronomer and computer scientist, I can tell you for a fact the mystery of the Fast Radio Bursts has been solved…by me! The signals I have painstakingly decoded from the comfort of my IKEA self-assembly micro-laboratory reveal the radio bursts are definitely messages from intelligent extra-terrestrial beings. The following is a list of ‘unencrypted’ alien messages from more than one source!

“Since two-thirds of your planet is covered in water and not land, why oh why do you call your home world ‘Earth’ and not the ‘Water Planet’?” Thanks, Alf.

“Is the ‘twirking’ phenomenon we hear so much about in space a mating ritual, or are Earthlings merely sexually liberated?”

“Invasion imminent!”

“Can you send me the recipe for Chicken Korma?” 

“Will you please remove all your space junk from outer space!”

“Is it true mixed sex couples orgasm at different times and some, in different time zones?”

“Resistance is futile!”

“Is it true your Catholic Church frowns on masturbation, and if so, why?” 

Seriously folks, the origin of the mysterious radio bursts have in fact just been solved! Would you believe they are from a microwave signal emanating from Earth? True! Is it at all possible a suburban housewife from Texas who has been using a microwave oven to heat her family’s ready meals for 17-years is the cause of all this fuss? Talk about ‘much ado about nothing!’

 

LG’S ‘WALLPAPER TV’ IS ACE!

LG peelable TV

To great fanfare, South Korean electronics company LG have just shown off their less than 1mm thick, 55in, peelable, flexible, rollable television that can be attached to any wall using magnets. This ‘organic, light-emitting-diode screen’, or OLED, gives off light when an electric current is applied to it, and when not in use the OLED TV remains transparent. In theory one can roll it up and stick it under one’s arm just like a yoga mat. Oh how ingenious and annoying at the same time! I’ve just bought a new Sony TV. I guess I’ll have to change it again soon! Within 10-15 years, ad agencies will use LG’s invention to push their clients products on the backs of walking placards! I can think of an extra use for the TV of the future. Stick it to the inside of your car windscreen and switch it on when stuck in traffic! Ridiculous? Perhaps within 20-years, car manufacturers will ‘incorporate’ the bendy TV screen in all new vehicle designs?

HAVE YOU EVER TRIED HAVING SEX ON A MOTORBIKE?

motorbike

Indonesia today! In the most populous Muslim majority country, unmarried couples will be banned from riding motorbikes together in order to protect them from the temptation towards sinful acts, which is against Islamic Sharia law. Is it really possible to enjoy oral sex on a motorbike without actually falling off? I rode a BMW K100 for several years and often in the company of female passengers. Mostly girlfriends hung on for dear life! Opportunities to ‘cop a feel’ for either of us were few and far between. Was I ever pleasured? The pleasure I did get was ending the bloody journey! Our crash helmets collided so often, mostly when I braked, I’m only surprised I didn’t suffer concussion! Trust me folks, sex of any kind on a motorbike is impossible!

CROWDED SKIES!

 

DRONE

Whenever a commercial aeroplane crashes, killing everyone on board, someone screams ‘flying is dangerous!’ Taking into account the number of aeroplanes in the air over a 24-hour period, aviation experts tell us flying is still the safest form of transport! Apparently more people die in road traffic accidents and rail crashes.

Looking to the future, I can foresee a situation when our blue skies will become increasingly overcrowded with miniature UAVs (unmanned aerial vehicles) otherwise known as quadcopters: Military ‘weaponized’ drones patrolling city blocks surveilling suspect terrorists, police drones searching for law breakers, Press drones searching for a headline photograph, local authority drones conducting aerial building surveys along with real estate drones, advertising drones carrying ‘ad’ hoardings, private detective drones searching for missing persons, Facebook drones with 70-foot wingspans bringing WiFi Internet to desolate regions of the planet, Amazon drones delivering your online purchases, post office drones delivering your letters and bills, drug dealer drones delivering your recreational drug of choice, puppy farm drones delivering cute little ‘Rover’, traffic drones capturing images of the M25 at a standstill, Emergency Services defibrillator drones, insurance company drones assessing commercial damage to properties, privately owned drones peeking into a neighbour’s bedroom window and other ones searching for lost dogs, hospital drones delivering tissue samples for biopsy and commuter jetpacks delivering you safely to your rooftop office building. The future is bright…the future is all about collision!  It won’t be swarms of seagulls that get sucked into commercial airline engines, killing everyone on board, but quadcopters!

It is estimated, over the next 20-years or so, there are expected be so many drones in the air at any one time, they will interfere with bird migration flight paths, causing those that don’t collide with drones to either fly higher, or find alternative routes to their breeding grounds. So if you happen to discover an Amazon package on your doorstep covered in blood and feathers, don’t assume it is a chicken dinner!

BEST HIGH STREET FASHION AWARDS 2015!

fake

The 2015 ‘Best High Street fashion Awards’ were held at the Connaught Rooms in central London last Tuesday. Bearing in mind many of us have been suckered in to buying ‘knock-offs’ online and at street markets, frankly I’m a wee bit surprised no one representing the Shnide Clothing Company hasn’t thought to host the Best Knock-Off fashion Awards! Perhaps the Chinese would be over-represented?

SUPERHERO ON A SEGWAY!

 

BatgirlI’ve decided to become a vigilante superhero in order to clean up my town from those involved in anti-social activities. Car crime, burglary, assaults, arson and drug dealing are all on the increase. The police no longer walk any beat and thus, only appear after the event. Why it’s got to the stage decent, law-abiding citizens are afraid to leave their homes after 9-pm for fear of being attacked! Once I’ve bought illegal Taser guns and pepper sprays over the internet, I intend squeezing into a superhero costume before jumping onto a Segway electric scooter in order to patrol my neighbourhood. Naturally I will adapt my vehicle to hold a coffee cup holder and an ashtray. Well, patrolling can be a lonely business! The only problem I can foresee is my allergy to latex! Most superhero costumes available to either buy or rent are made of rubber. Perhaps I should get my Auntie June to line it? I did find one costume on eBay, however I don’t think I could fit into a size 4 Batgirl outfit? Personally I have nothing against cross-dressing, but on long journeys across broken sidewalk paving stones I might suffer severe testicle trauma! Oh, the other concern I have is, if I’m ever in desperate need of a pee or poo, how the f**k am I going to get out of the costume in time? Folks, sometimes actions do speak louder than words. Anyone I come across who looks ‘wrong’ I intend setting straight, and if that means beating them black & blue, two of my favourite colours, so be it! So I say to all you bastards out there, watch out because Vigilante Dave is about…soon!