Transport for London Lost Property Office is located in Baker Street, central London. You would be amazed what items have been left behind on buses, trains and in taxis. Why last year alone 246,241 items of belongings were handed in. In total there are more than 51,000 books, 12,000 umbrellas and 35,000 articles of clothing. There are also 29,000 valuables such as purses, wallets and cameras and cash, 5,000 pieces of jewellery, 27,000 phones, several computers, shopping trolleys, 11,000 sets of keys and even someone’s ashes. Boy there must be a hell of a lot of absent-minded people out there! Someone who once worked there mentioned a collection of over 300 dildos, 14 blow-up dolls and a trigger for a nuclear bomb that still had four years left to run on the warranty, but I think you can take that particular revelation with a pinch of…plutonium!
Nasa’s Curiosity rover has captured images of what seems to be a perfectly formed pyramid on Mars, the size of a car (saloon, not station wagon). What is more, beside it is a discarded Toblerone wrapper! This could be conclusive proof the pyramid was created by an ancient Martian civilization, who were heavily into confectionary and from whom we on Earth might be descended. This discovery has given me pause for thought and an erection!
Having said I’d never go to another funeral, I went to another funeral, and as it turned out, I definitely shouldn’t have! Uncle Sid died, and I celebrated his passing in a pub for two hours before the funeral. Apparently the Bushey Jewish Cemetery, located in Hertfordshire, remains the largest Jewish cemetery in Europe. If you happen to be unlucky enough to walk the length of the cemetery, you will eventually leave the county of Hertfordshire and enter Bedfordshire. That’s how big the place is! Anyway, other than hearing the Rabbi asking everyone to switch off the cell phones, I have no recollection of the service! Afterwards, mourners left the chapel and followed the coffin towards its final resting place. Jeez, staggering from one path to another reminded me of ‘Chairman’ Mao’s Long March across China! The only thing that sustained me was my hip flash and a pork pie I’d bought in the pub! So, having only just avoided falling into the open plot, once Uncle Sid was ‘packed tight’, everybody started off on the return journey from Bedfordshire to Hertfordshire!
Anyway, it is customary in the Jewish community to form an orderly queue in order to greet the sitting members of the deceased’s immediate family, take each one by the hand and wish them in turn, ‘long life’, and that’s what I started to do, until I got to Uncle Sid’s second son, John. He and I detest one another! I refused to take his hand, commenting, “Sorry for your loss John, but I ‘don’t’ wish you long life!” And I moved on. Taking Sid’s brother’s hand, I inadvertently staggered backwards and took a tumble. When I rose, to my horror I discovered I was still clasping Brian’s hand…his prosthetic hand! I’d like to say I wasn’t the only one who saw the funny side of it, but I can’t. Well, apart from being band from the grounds for life, it’s safe to say I’ve burnt my bridges with my family, which funnily enough is something I’ve been attempting to do for years, but at the end of the day, no one can accuse me of insincerity, can they?
Ever since my Cavalier ‘Bunnee’ successfully traced her bloodline all the way back to King Charles II and the Restoration, the little bitch has been behaving impossibly! Bunnee has become a right little diva! Not only must I push her to the park in a baby stroller, now she will only see her doggy friends ‘by appointment only’. Before her true ancestry was revealed, Bunnee, like any ‘normal’ pooch, was quite happy to drink tap water. All of a sudden that’s not good enough. Now its mineral water only, served at room temperature! Food? Well that got to be ‘Royal Canin’, topped with black truffle shavings! Wishing to travel to France, naturally Bunnee has refused a standard doggy passport, insisting I secure a red diplomatic passport for her. Talk about getting ‘ideas above her station’! Bunnee used to watch ‘Housewives of Beverly Hills’. Now she considers the cast nothing more than common fishwives and prefers to watch the jewellery channels instead. It’s a dog’s life for someone…me!
Tweeting, His Holiness Pope Francis is disgusted by the current state of the planet, which he says is ‘beginning to look more and more like an immense pile of filth.’ It occurs to me, God’s Roman Catholic representative on earth might do well clean up his own back yard before telling us to clean ours! Naples, the ‘City of Filth’, has a 66-acre, illegal land fill site, controlled by the mafia which generates £4 billion a year in revenue. The site doesn’t just contain household waste, but toxic waste too! I suggest the ‘Camorro’ could not operate its lucrative waste management business without local officials turning a blind eye in return for money! The forces of law and order include local police, the national police, the Army, Interpol and now, Europol. How come nothing has been done about the land fill site? And what of the Pope’s ‘moral’ authority? Does it not carry any weight? Despite what you may have heard, ‘the grass is never greener on the other side of the hill’. On the other side of the hill is a contaminated brownfield site! The fact is, the planet is quickly turning to shit because many of Earth’s inhabitants are shit too! And if you think I’m being overly negative, I remind you, hundreds of billions of dollars are being invested in order to get colonists to Mars. Why? Our scientists are aware Earth is a dying planet!
MEN ARE FROM MARS, WOMEN ARE FROM VENUS! 165,000 people have applied from 120 countries, (3,500 from Britain) for a ONE-WAY ticket to the Red Planet. MARS ONE, a Dutch company plans to fly four people every year from 2023. Colonists must agree to remain on the Red Planet for life and be filmed for a REALITY TV programme. Living in self-contained BIOSPHERES, apparently the experience is hoped to be a cross between Ray Bradbury’s Martian Chronicles and The X-Files. We can only hope an evil Martian with a loose bowel movement contaminates the rarefied atmosphere! Furthermore, lets hope that the new strain of deadly, anti-biotic resistant, super-gonorrhoea will decimate the colony of wannabe TV stars before fame changes them!
Presumably the only way for humans to experience a kind of utopia, where conflict is replaced by a peaceful, harmonious existence, is to carve it out for themselves on the surface of Mars. Let’s hope a lone jihadist doesn’t infiltrate the ranks of the Martian colonists! Sharia Law has no place off-world, or for that matter, in any civilized society!
Talking about ‘saving yourself for the right man’, some female, virgin space cadets are determined to ‘save themselves for the right Martian’. I kid you not! I can only presume said virgins are hoping to produce ‘green’ babies that are naturally environmentally friendly!
Seriously folks, a lot of people must be really disillusioned with life on Earth to apply for a one-way trip to Mars. Have they no dependants or loved ones? Is it possible that some of the applicants suffer mental health issues? For sure, I wouldn’t want to be trapped up there with a f**king serial killer. Mind you, that would do wonders for the TV ratings! You would be surprised by the number of applicants who yearn to die on Mars! Presumably applicants are eager to get a burial plot to themselves, rather than facing the prospect of having to share one down here on over-crowded Earth?
As London office space goes, business premises Buckingham Palace is no longer ‘fit for purpose’, requiring over £200 million of renovations, and naturally, at the taxpayers expense. Thus Her Majesty the Queen and her trusted company of servants will soon move out in order to allow contractors to move in. But don’t worry, Queen Elizabeth won’t be asking Social Services to rehouse her any time soon. Meanwhile, one of the tenders received in is from an American engineering firm, who on instructions from the NSA (National Security Agency) will, if it wins a contract, bug the Windsor Corporation’s extended London townhouse. Apparently the original recipe for the Victoria Sponge cake has until now been a closely guarded secret, along with goose fritters and Royal Jelly toe-jam preserve!
In the run up to the recent UK general erection, the then Labour Party Leader, Ed ‘take me seriously’ Miliband, took the advice from one of his stoned think tankers and committed the main points of his election manifesto to stone, all £30,000 of it! Surely this was an act of hubris, after all, politicians rarely keep their promises, so chiseling promises into a bloody great piece of granite must be considered a political cardinal sin! But where is this giant slab of bullshit now? Apparently it’s propping up someone’s driveway! Obviously Mr Miliband forgot the golden rule when making commitments: ‘Promises are like pie crusts, in that they are meant to be broken!’
But restore it to what…the UK seat of Government? I thought the seat of our Government was Brussels? Brussels is considered to be the de facto capital of the European Union. Brussels hosts the official seats of the European Commission, Council of the European Union, the European Council, as well as a seat of the European Parliament. Since it is estimated restoration of the Palace of Westminster is likely to take anything up to 30-years, the question remains, where to move the MPs and Lords to? What about to a sink estate. Let our rulers experience how the other half live!
In order to recoup some of the taxpayer-funded renovation money, how about opening up the P of W facilities to the public for a period of time once restoration is completed and before our bloated and over-rated politicians move back in? What about a Harry Potter style ‘ghost’ tour, or pop concerts, or an indoor ice-rink or a skateboard park? Hey, what about murder weekends in the House of Commons? I dare say most of us could think of far better ways to spend £7 billion pounds when you consider half of the renovation work will be done by sub-contractors from Eastern Europe and Asia, just as they were employed to build the 2012 Stratford Olympic village!
Microchip giant ARM has come up with yet another novel safety device designed to reduce road deaths. Should you fall asleep at the wheel of your car, a camera built-in to the rear-view mirror that monitors drivers ‘blink rate’ will immediately cause the steering wheel to vibrate, thus causing you to open your eyes. Surely a short, sharp jolt of electricity delivered via the steering wheel or driver’s seat would perform the same function? Meanwhile, Jaguar Land Rover are developing a car that can spot potholes and help drivers avoid hitting them. Apparently the ‘pothole alert’ system can profile a road’s surface and identify the location and severity of potholes, broken manhole covers and raised drains, and then adjust suspension to mitigate the worse effects. The scanners can also transmit date to other cars, allowing drivers to take ‘evasive’ action. Err, excuse me, but between sleeping drivers suddenly awoken from their slumber and pothole avoiders, I can envisage a situation where several cars manically swerving across the same stretch of road at the same time, mowing down anyone in their paths! Is no one going to develop a high-tech ‘asshole’ alert system where you can avoid people in the workplace who have seniority over you, but really shouldn’t have it?
If you believe everything you read, simply everyone is dying from skin cancer attributed to sunbathing. French company, Spinali Design, is developing the ‘intelligent’ bikini, that alerts your smartphone when you are about to burn. A tiny sensor in the bikini monitors exposure to UV rays, and sends alerts depending on the wearer’s skin type. Not much left for the brain to do then, except keep an eye out for smartphone thieves, right? Me, I’m just waiting for a healthcare company to come out with a discreet sensor I can wear under my skin that bleeps when I need a shit! All we have to do now, is to make sure all our high-tech gadgets are fully charged, otherwise it will be a case of …going ‘old school’ and setting the brain to manual!
Here in the UK the ‘witch hunt’ to uncover every sexual predator and paedophile in the last 100 years continues unabated! Apparently even those who have died won’t escape prosecution! Skeletons will be dug up and their rights read them! Those who have been cremated will have their ashes ‘reformed’ using the latest 4-D laser printers. Meanwhile, specially trained sniffer dogs are hunting down child molesters in the seat of government, the Palace of Westminster. At least a baker’s dozen (13) high-profile politicians who are said to have committed sexual crimes in the 1980s are being hunted down too. So far at least one sex dungeon has been discovered in the bowels of the Palace of Westminster. In it are the remains of small, medium and large human beings who were left chained to the dungeon walls. The police are pressing them to name names too! I would like to remind my readers there were far more sexual predators during the Victorian era than at any time since! Perhaps if we didn’t elevate degenerates to positions of power they wouldn’t be in a position to wreak havoc on innocent girls and boys! A politician is nothing more than a bloody good actor! It is said over 100 files containing allegations of paedophile behaviour involving high-profile figures were likely destroyed by the Home Office. Really? It is equally likely someone copied the 100 files before destroying them! Right about now I bet a lot of elderly political grandees, having ‘hoisted’ themselves out of their recliners are hunting for their passports and fake disguises! Now if they all head for the same ‘non-extradition’ destination, they’ll get a group discount on the flight! Expect a spate of bi-elections soon!
Have you noticed your hair is parted on the wrong side of your head? Have you discovered unsightly marks on your body that you cannot account for? Are you missing ‘time’, hours or possibly weeks? Is your ejaculate dark purple? Do you have difficulty sitting down? If your answers are ‘yes’, ‘yes, ‘yes’, ‘yes’ and ‘yes’, then it’s possible…probable you were abducted by aliens! Now to prevent any further intrusion into your social life, it is imperative you follow the flowing easy steps! Firstly, eat lots of cabbage and red meat. Aliens don’t like stinky farts! Secondly, practice ‘dynamic-tension’ asshole strengthening exercises. If perverted aliens cannot insert a probe into your tight-fitting balloon knot, they simply won’t take you! Thirdly, cover yourself in olive oil from head to foot! If aliens cannot get hold of you, they won’t take you! No need for ‘virgin’ olive oil, that would be a waste! If all else fails and you are indeed abducted, go to your fall-back position. Tell Mr Grey you only eat ‘kosher’ food and he will return you to Earth forthwith. Take it from one who knows, aliens don’t keep a kosher kitchen on their spaceship. Now good luck!
Disclaimer: I cannot be held responsible for any of the above advice should you choose to take it and things turn to shit!
Everyone is anti something these days! Anti Jew, anti Muslim, anti casino bankers, anti price hikes…well I’m anti-matter! That’s right, I’m against scientists at the Large Hadron Collider on the Franco-Swiss border near Geneva creating the volatile explosive element, nor do I want it ‘farmed’ from outer space. Matter & anti-matter do not make good bedfellows! If you want your space ship to travel faster than the speed of light, then run it on radioactive marshmallows! Scoff if you like, but I’m ahead of my time…at least that’s what my psychiatrist thinks, and who am I to argue? You might say, does it matter…well it f**king well does!
After a 2-year re-fit, the even Larger Hadron
Colander…Collider switch on its beams on June 3rd last, and at 7-times the energy level! Boy someone’s going to have a smashing time smashing particles! Some people believe, if the experiment is successful, far from further explaining the origins of life on Earth, it will open the gateway to Hell and allow Lucifer to enter our realm in order to claim ‘non-dom’ status and social security benefits. Will Satan being strutting his stuff on the Paris runways, only time will tell! Perhaps the ruler of the Hadean Empire will appear on an edition of ‘The Price is Right’? “Lucifer, come on down!” Just remember this…the road to hell is paved with good intentions!
These were the thoughts of Chairman Meow!
Scientists and legal experts are up in arms over an ambitious experiment using a super-charged ion
colander…collider that could accidentally destroy planet Earth. Particle accelerators that are capable of generating particles hotter than four trillion degrees Celsius, could also create micro black holes which might fracture time and space! So in order to find out how life on Earth started, scientists are prepared to risk destroying it! Is that really sound science? Surely a compromise could be made? Instead of accelerating nuclei to the speed of light, before smashing them together in a bid to create quark-gluon plasma, which is thought to have occurred just after the Big Bang, boffins could replace the positively dangerous nuclei with two pizzas or wabbits? But what about the danger of accidentally creating not just black holes, but subatomic particles called ‘strangelets’? These particles have the potential to start a chain reaction and change everything into ‘strange matter,’ which it is said could transform Earth into ‘an inert hyperdense sphere about one hundred metres across’. Mind you, a much smaller URF could easily be micro-managed!
The U.S. Department of Energy’s Brookhaven National Laboratory’s Realistic Heavy Ion Collider (RHIC)…the world’s second most powerful particle accelerator after Cern’s Large hadron Collider (LHC)…is about to get a massive upgrade to boost its power and push experiments into uncharted waters. Holy f**k!
Now let ‘s put all of this into perspective! As a concerned citizen of planet URF I have nothing against several minor black holes with limited gravitational pull opening up. Its one way of getting rid of all our refuse and litter, much of it ending up as landfill! Shove it all down the throats of black holes! The same goes for discarded white goods! If it all gets crushed at the back-end of a black hole, fine. If however scientists are proved wrong, and the other end of a black hole is attached to another solar system, well, we can expect curt emails from extraterrestrials. ‘Kindly refrain from dumping your rubbish in our back gardens’. Signed: ‘Commissioner Albrecht representing the United Federation of Planets, excluding URF’. There seems to be no limits to scientific endeavour!
Under a new law, Germans living in Germania will only be able to buy ‘adult’ ebooks between 10pm and 6am, while under existing law, erotic novels are kept under the counter of bookstores. Frankly I don’t quite understand this prudishness? The largest brothels in Europe are German brothels! From my limited experience, Germans are quite sexually liberated. Indeed, the last time I visited Berlin I attended the best sex party of my young life, and not a sauerkraut among them! And better than the sex was the…buffet! Boy, Germans living in Germania sure know how to feast!