ANOTHER BRICK IN THE WALL!

bricks

‘Hurry, hurry,’ build affordable new housing for first-time buyers! The Government is saying it, the mayor for London is saying it, councils are saying it, the people are saying it! Never mind the high cost to developers buying land in the south-east and elsewhere, the problem is…there ain’t enough BRICKS! Currently there is a shortage of 1.4 BILLION bricks, enough to build 240,000 new homes!  It takes 9,000 bricks to build an average size, 3-bed house. Surely the answer is, only use 8,999!?

NURSE, CAN YOU HELP ME?

NHS

I was searching online for cheap flights to Dublin. It turned out there wasn’t that much difference in price between Aer Cunnilingus, Aer Linctus and Aer Fungus. I saved myself £15:00 by booking with Ryanair. Hey, it was only a short flight so I didn’t mind flying in the upright position! Seats are for couch potatoes anyway! Closing the laptop, I turned and inexplicably fell on the kitchen floor, dislocating my left shoulder. Despite being in excruciating pain I managed to get myself to ‘A & E’.

‘Oh don’t be such a baby,’ one of the nurses said after I complained I’d been there for two hours and had yet to be seen. A further three hours passed, and still no relief. ‘Oh for God sake, give me something for the pain!’ Apparently I couldn’t get pain relief until a doctor had assessed my injury. Another hour passed. ‘I’m begging you,’ I said. ‘Do something about the pain, otherwise I’ll have to slam my shoulder against a wall!‘ The reply? ‘Oh you mustn’t do that. There are ‘health & safety’ considerations. The mortar is weak. If you expose the brickwork, we’ll have to clear A & E, but I might be able to do something about the pain.’ So relieved, I expressed gratitude. The nurse duly shot me in the leg with a cross-bow bolt. ‘Huh,’ she said, ‘I bet you can’t feel your shoulder now?’ 

THE ‘DOGGING’ OLYMPICS!

 

no sex here

After exhaustive research, according to new data released under the Freedom of Information act, leafy Elmbridge in Surrey, home to exclusive commuter villages like Claygate, Esher, Oxshott, Weybridge and Cobham, is the dogging capital of the UK. Famous residents include footballer Peter Crouch, Rolling Stone Ronnie Wood and tennis player Andy Murray, none of who dog. One can only presume there is something in the Surrey air that encourages people to engage in open-air acts of a sexual nature?

According to the Daily Mail, the special mobile Surrey Police Dogging Patrol have identified at least 10 areas, from car-parks to secluded woodland nooks, where strangers watch each other have sex, in contrast to much maligned Norfolk that has just six dogging areas. Many complaints have been lodged, many by women walking their dogs alone and from parents who don’t want to take their children anywhere near that kind of environment. Never mind, for once Emlbridge woodland and heathland is bulldozed to make way for essential cheap housing, dogging will no doubt be confined to the dustbin…areas!

Let us not forget, dogging is not illegal, but only a criminal offence if it causes ‘alarm or distress’ to others. My advice for what its worth is, if you happen across a couple performing lewd acts of a sexual nature in public, shut your eyes! Alternatively you could always video the act and later upload it onto YouTube! Personally I’ve never had a yen to dog, preferring to conduct my acts of sexual depravity in the comfort and privacy of my private abode. In other words, I don’t much fancy a squirrel mistaking my nuts for its nuts! Furthermore it is worth noting, unlike ‘traditional’ athletes, currently there is no state sponsorship for amateur doggers. However this might change if an application is ever submitted to the IOC (International Olympic Committee) to include dogging in the 2020 Tokyo Summer Olympics!

I WENT TO MY DOCTOR THE OTHER DAY…

I Need a Doctor

I Need a Doctor (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

complaining of severe cramp in my right foot. ‘When does this occur?’ my doctor asked.

I replied, ‘Whenever I get up to go to work.’

‘In that case,’ my doctor said, ‘have you thought about giving work up?’ I’ve never been one to reject sound medical advice, nor have I been one to seek a second opinion.

CHLAMYDIA VILLAS!

chlamydia

I happened to stick my head in the TV room while my girlfriend was watching ‘EastEnders‘, a soap I’ve banned myself from ever watching. Yet even a snob like me can learn something from that hideous show. In the bit I caught, one character had given another character chlamydia, which apparently is a sexually transferable disease!? Who would have known, not I! I had always assumed Chlamydia was a popular holiday destination on the Coast Del Sol?!

‘NAKED ATTRACTION’ REACHES NEW LOW!

naked attraction

Channel 4 (UK) has just launched its new series, ‘Naked Attraction’. In it, adults find a date by choosing from four completely naked men and women by assessing individual’s physical ‘attributes’. Nothing is hidden! Well, as a ‘lay’ sociologist I simply had to watch the first episode. It goes without saying, I won’t be watching the show again! Oh how banal!  It really does go to show how far contestants will go in order to get on television! After all, if all one was after was a date, one can easily get one of those on the internet!  Channel 4 is a public-service TV channel, controlled by the Department for ‘Culture’, Media and Sport. Recently the Government put the channel up for sale. Presumably higher ratings will attract a higher price? Other than the obvious gripe about mediocrity, this type of titillating television highlights the extremes in society. We in the Christian dominated West can’t help but take all our clothes off, while Islam goes to great lengths to cover women up from head to foot! No doubt series two of Naked Attraction will have naked men and women judged on the quality of their on-air farts, or perhaps some production assistant will urge naked competitors to…shit in a bucket!

MY FANTASY VEHICLE!

Popemobile

Have you ever seen the show Wheeler Dealers? If you haven’t, in it a car dealer buys a pre-used car with iconic status and an ace mechanic restores same vehicle to near pristine condition. Now wouldn’t it be grrreat if the two-man team were to buy a used popemobile and turn it into a drifter? I can just see Pope Francis ‘drifting’ around the wide Vatican corridors while promoting safe sex and Bridgestone tyres!

‘BRITISH’ FOOD AIN’T WORTH EATING NO MORE!

rotten veg

Over the teeth, past the gums, look out stomach, here it comes! Folks, when it comes to food, we Brits don’t actually know what we put in our stomachs! In recent years a lot has been said and done regarding ‘sell-by-dates’, ‘use-by-dates’, preservatives and fat contents, yet a lot of ‘fresh’ fruit and vegetables have slipped through these guidances. When I was a kid, a bowl of green apples would last for weeks, and when bitten into, taste juicy and fresh. These days, supermarkets may sell apples up to 18-months-old thanks to a rich nitrogen atmosphere in which apples are stored. ‘Fresh’ fish can be up to 2-years old, bread, 12-months, potatoes, 12-months, bananas, 1-month, salad, fruit and veg, 3-weeks and milk, 3-weeks. This must explain why we have only 2-3 days in which to eat this stuff once it reaches supermarket shelves, despite the fact we are paying premium prices! Is it any wonder we Brits throw away more food than any other country? I very much doubt the population of any other European country would stand for old food sold as fresh food, or fruit and veg that is grown in water rather than soil, such as tasteless tomatoes and strawberries! Perhaps the answer is to buy frozen fruit and veg?

DREAMS ‘CAN’ COME TRUE!

hearse

My mate, twice bankrupt Mick Stewart grumbled he’d worked all his life, and for what? “Dave, I’ve no pension, bugger all in the bank, and my house is so in need of a complete restoration, the DIY SOS team rejected my house outright after I sent in photos! I must be the consummate under-achiever! My dreams were small, yet I still didn’t manage to turn them into reality!” I asked Mick what they were, and he replied, “I always fancied being chauffeured in a limousine.” I reminded Mick we will all end up being chauffeured in a limousine. “Mick, it’s called a hearse!”

BORIS JOHNSON TAKES ON THE WORLD!

Boris 1

In a surprise move, Theresa May, newly installed Prime Minister, has appointed Boris Johnson as Britain’s new Foreign Secretary. The gentleman will also oversee MI6. Leading the foreign spy service is a logical move, bearing in mind Boris has personal experience of ‘covert activities’. Ahem!

SLIPPERY WHEN WET!

slippery when wet

“Have you had an accident at work that wasn’t your fault? Well, have you? Perhaps you should consider the possibility you’re simply accident prone? Have you lost your bollocks in a commercial trouser press? Perhaps you should consider the possibility you are suffering from early-stage Tourette’s? Pick up the phone now and phone ‘CashMoney Solicitors’! We can’t promise to get you your knackers back, but we ‘can’ promise to get you compensation!” Now that’s what I want to hear from a TV advert!

‘CUDDLE’ AGENCY…OH HOW RIDICULOUS!

absurd

As a ‘newish’ amalgam of many different races, having gone from infancy to adulthood without experiencing puberty, it has been said, Americans are emotionally immature. As a people who constantly require ‘reassurance’ (‘good job’), it comes as no surprise to me ‘cuddle’ agencies have sprung up across the USA. Naturally, as a ‘fiefdom’ of America, it was only a matter of time before similar agencies opened up in Britain. ‘Be-Cuddled’  hopes to emulate the success of cuddle agencies in America, in offering cuddles to those who really need a hug. For £50:00 you can receive an hour of cuddling, while a ‘dusk-to-dawn’ snuggle will set you back £450:00. Frankly I’d rather pay the difference and have sex!

BREXIT…WHAT BREXIT?!?

shenanigans

Despite the recent referendum result, Britain may never leave the European Union! A group of secret pro-European billionaires have instructed top law firm Mishcon de Reya to launch a legal challenge in the High Court to ensure the process for Britain leaving the EU does not begin without a parliamentary debate, followed by a vote. The lawyers claim the Government cannot trigger Article 50 without an act of Parliament?! If any legal challenge is successful, and bearing in mind the next Prime Minister, Theresa May, backed the ‘Remain’ campaign, the chances are, any vote by MPs will favour remaining in the EU, thus betraying the wishes of constituents who voted out. For democracy lovers everywhere, let us hope any legal challenge fails!

*Meanwhile, more than 1,000 lawyers across the UK have signed a letter addressed to Prime Minister David Cameron insisting that last month’s referendum result to leave the European Union is not legally binding.

HOW TO ADD ‘££££’ TO A MASTERPIECE!

arty farty

Millions of pounds worth of ‘masterpieces’ have been removed from art galleries around the UK and replaced with forgeries for a new Sky TV series; Fake! The Great masterpiece Challenge. Contestants are asked to spot the imposters. The thing is, many masterpieces we all know and love aren’t necessarily masterpieces per say. Many were started by famous artists, only to be completed by one or several apprentices. All it takes is a paid ‘expert’ to sign to the effect, ‘authentic’, or ‘attributed to’.