BRITAIN LEADING EUROPE IN….

british-values

According to the European Commission, Britain is number 1 for cocaine use and gonorrhoea among EU member states. When you take into account we Brits are still top of the heap for Friday night public drunkenness and kerbside vomiting, no wonder it takes British industry a third longer than France or Germany to manufacture anything of value for export. British values, adopt them today!

LE PRESIDENTE ‘ERECT’ TELEPHONED ME…

donald-trump

…while I was cutting my toenails!

“David, I’d like you to become Britain’s next ambassador to the United Nations and to the European Union.”

“But Mr Trump…Presidente erect…what about Theresa May, won’t she have something to say about it?”

“Listen David, once I’ve bedded the wench, she’ll do what she’s told. Anyway, everyone knows it’s America that decides British foreign policy!”

Naturally I accepted both posts and finished cutting my toenails.

‘BOY, IT’S FREEZING IN HERE’…CRYOPRESERVATION!

English: Technicians prepare a body for cryopr...

English: Technicians prepare a body for cryopreservation. Español: Técnicos preparando un cuerpo para preservación criogénica. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Human cryopreservation has been in the news recently, but the process is not new. Individuals have been frozen in time for decades, hoping that one day medical science will find a cure for their incurable diseases, and thus they will be thawed, repaired and sent on their merry way! Tempted by immortality, even rich, healthy people have opted for cryofreezing upon death as opposed to a burial or cremation. I personally don’t fancy my blood replaced with a chemical solution that would kill me if I took it in my food. However, the main reason I wouldn’t entertain being frozen, is that the planet Earth is in a poor state of repair, is vastly over-populated and is in turmoil. The place isn’t going to get any better, so why would I want to thawed out in say 200 years, if indeed it was possible? The likelihood is I’d get mugged the moment I’d exit the cryogenic centre! If there are any men out there who are considering cryopreservation, do make sure your cock is in a flaccid state, otherwise, at 200Kelvin you might find it snaps off!

When considering cryopreservation it helps of course if you don’t believe in the soul. Spokespersons of established religions will be opposed to the process, for when one dies, the soul (life force) is believed to leave one’s body, never to return. It follows, if a cryopreserved body is ever successfully thawed, it will be returned to the land of the living…soulless!

If of course you are interested in cryopreservation but lack the funds, you could always go the DIY route and buy a chest freezer with surge protection. Since likely as not you will end up being frozen in time by a third-party…your blood replaced with automotive anti-freeze, it would be best to be cryofrozen by someone who actually likes you!

CHRISTMAS BARGAINS…’SELL YOUR SOUL TO THE DEVIL!’

 

black-friday-deals

Folks, I’ve just had an amazing Christmas email I simply had to tell you about! “Black Friday bargain! A further 20% discount when you sell your soul to the devil! Act now or you’ll kick yourself!” Huh? After further investigation I discovered, if I sign on the dotted line and indeed sell my soul to Satan (to be collected upon my natural death), the remainder of my life here, now, will be turned around. On offer is 20% more good health, 20% extra happiness, and much more importantly,  than the standard ‘sell your soul to the devil’ contract, extreme good fortune! Enticing, most definitely, unfortunately I don’t fancy spending eternity baking or freezing (depending upon one’s interpretation of the scriptures. A hot water bottle or a cold pack ain’t gonna sustain me. As usual when perusing a contract, the devil is in the detail!

COUGHING UP PHLEGM!

the-end-is-nigh

Hello folks, I bet you’re wondering why you haven’t heard from me for while? Well, I’ve had trapped wind! Recently I ‘ve had a spate of unwanted emails regarding health insurance, life insurance and funeral packages! Generally speaking I’m an upbeat kind of fella, however it’s hard to remain positive when one is constantly reminded of one’s mortality! Although my end is probably a long way off, I had intended opting for cremation, however, having had sight of some really lovely looking coffins, I’m going for the expensive option, burial! The thing is, I must make sure I don’t pay for a brand new knotty pine casket only to end up in a mortician’s  ‘pre-used’ coffin! I’m quite happy to be behind the wheel of a second-hand car, but I definitely draw the line at interment in a second-hand casket! By the way, why is there a ‘G’ in phlegm if one doesn’t use it? All those silent letters out there make my arse itch!

DONALD TRUMP…’MR PRESIDENT!’

donald-trump

Well well, who would have thought the American people would have elected to the highest office in the land a thrice married man who has no record of public service, but a huge record of tax avoidance? Hairdressers around the world must be pulling their own hair out! Will The Donald repaint the White House in Trump colours and call it Trump House? Will American nuclear missiles be emblazoned with ‘You’re Trumped’ on them? Will British Prime Minister Theresa May be forced to share a bed with President Trump in order to cement British/American relations? Will David Duke (KKK) be offered a cabinet position? If Mexicans are deported, who will pick oranges for Tropicana OJ? Talk about being up shit creek without a paddle! By the way Mr trump, a Victoria sandwich is a cake, not the 3-way!

SELF-DOUBT…NO DOUBT!?

not-good-enough

Folks, I recently received yet another rejection from a very well-known literary agency. The turnaround was supposed to be ten weeks, but this particular submission took twenty-weeks. ‘Dear David, although your submission stood head and shoulders above other submissions we received, regrettably none of our literary agents were sufficiently enthused by your work to offer you representation.’  I can imagine my submission went all over the building, to every agent and editor. Really, what must one do to in order to get an agent? Clearly a very good book isn’t good enough! The worst thing that can happen to a writer is…self-doubt!

ARE YOU ANTI-SOCIAL?

bad-behaviour

According to the Manifesto Club (an anti-regulation group), local councils up and down the UK have been using their newly devolved powers under the 2014 Anti-Social Behaviour, Crime and Policing Act to blanket-bomb communities with Community Protection Notices (CPNs) in order to control or so-called anti-social behaviour. According to the Manifesto Club that claim CPNs ‘undermine the privacy and sanctity of the home’, 107 councils have imposed nearly 4,000 CPNs in the year to October 2015. Introduced to prohibit activity that has a detrimental effect on people’s quality of life, the law allows council officers to hand out £100 on-the-spot fines, whilst failure to comply can lead to £2,500 court fine and a criminal conviction.

It can therefore be argued that an Englishman’s home is no long his castle!? On the other hand, 4,000 CPNs issued to a population of 64-million is not a great number. Haven’t we all at one time or another been subjected to anti-social behaviour of a lousy neighbour? I know I have! Shit dumped in a front garden and left there! Loud music! Shouting matches! Dogs that never ever stop barking! Japanese Knotweed growing out of control! Youths congregating in a threatening manner at the end of your street! The fact is, most of the CPNs have almost certainly been issued to trashy people who have been given ample warnings to clean up their acts! Generation of children have had little to no parenting, which accounts to some extent why Society has to a great extent broken down. Action is therefore required, and immediately! Do council enforcement officers sometimes behave like little Hitlers, probably, and that’s unfortunate!

A JAB IN THE ASS MIGHT KILL YOU!

hypodermic-needle

An apple a day may keep the doctor away, but a hypodermic needle in your ass may kill you! Oh dear me, 2,000 nursing associates being introduced into British hospitals will be able to administer controlled medicines and carry out invasive procedures without the direct supervision of a qualified nurse during their 2-year apprenticeships! In this life you get what you pay for, and this cheap alternative to registered nurses doesn’t appeal to me one little bit. So if you happen to find yourself in hospital, and happen to notice an unsupervised, trainee nursing associate approach you holding a hypodermic needle whilst wearing a surgical mask, ruin like hell and hope your own immune system will ward off infection! It really does gall me when the British Government sends abroad nearly £13 billion annually in foreign aid, much of which is ‘misappropriated’, when the once revered National Health Service is permanently short of qualified nurses. And the point of introducing unsupervised nursing associates into NHS hospitals? Saving £3,000-£5,000 per head, the difference between the wages of a nursing associate and a fully registered nurse! I wonder how many patients will end up dying from cerebral brain aneurysms? Hey, would you permit an unqualified, unsupervised, trainee veterinarian to treat your beloved dog?

DONALD TRUMP IS MISUNDERSTOOD!

donald-trump

Oh no, the Donald is not a revolting slug, but a humanitarian! The legion of women who claim Trump stuck his tongue down their throats failed to mention they were all choking on food at the time! All the Donald did was to save them by using his tongue to dislodge masticated food trapping his victims airways. Everyone knows, the tongue treatment is an alternative to using the Heimlich manoeuvre!

CHRISTMAS AIN’T WHAT IT USED TO BE!

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Just heard, John Lewis department store has launched a ‘Home For Christmas’ service, where, for £450:00 a ‘tree stylist’ will pick out the perfect specimen plus accessories and deliver them to your door. But wait, there’s more! Your tree stylist will erect your Christmas tree and decorate it too! And the process all starts with a free in-store Christmas consultation appointment. Yea Gods, and they say the Middle Classes have got their backs against the wall? Quite frankly, if you’re too busy to pick out your own tree and decorate it, well you shouldn’t be bloody celebrating Christmas! Grandparents will be turning in their graves!

OH DO STOP CLOWNING AROUND!

clown

Do you suffer from coulrophobia (fear of clowns)? Apparently a ‘killer craze’ that started in America has now crossed the pond to Britain, terrifying children and adults. Dressed as clowns, pranksters with fake knives have been spotted chasing people through the streets. I am not at all surprised professional clowns argue the crazy of scaring people out of their skinny-skin-skins is bringing the art of clowning into disrepute! Personally, I never had a problem with clowns until I read Steven King’s novel ‘IT’, about a murderous clown. The 1990 supernatural horror miniseries based upon the novel was equally scary. Frankly it is about time all clowns were neutered!

HAVE YOU GOT A BLACK SHEEP IN YOUR FAMILY?

 

arty farty

No, well I have! My younger brother Brian, 29, has successfully blackened my family name. Having been prosecuted 4 times for indecent exposure, and having spent in total, eleven months in prison, no one believed Brian could blacken our once good name still further, yet my brother managed it! Oh what a waste of a supernatural gift! You see Brian was born a precog, in that he possesses precognition as a form of extra-sensory perception. Has he used it to enrich the family coffers by playing the financial markets, no! Has Brian aided the police in catching murderers and rapists, no! Over the past eighteen months, my degenerate brother preoccupied himself by attending premiers and other celebrity haunts in order to feed his fascination with...gas! Using, or should I say, misusing the supernatural gift of precognition, wayward Brian is able to tell which celebrity about to fart, or as he so eloquently puts it, de-gas. Aided by preserve jars with lids, he creeps up behind famous, female celebrities and places an open jar adjacent to a derriere, and, well you can guess the rest! Brian has literary hundreds of fart-filled jars at his home. Although he doesn’t object vegan or vegetarian scented farts, he does tend to go positively ga-ga over female celebrities on the Atkins diet! Having let myself into his house, I recently caught Brian masturbating on his bed whilst surrounded by dozens of opened preserve jars. As it turned out, Brian’s ludicrous predilection for the farts of the famous has become a money-spinner. Selling fart-filled preserve jars online, degenerate Brian has amassed £40,000 in one month. Apparently the Japanese can’t get enough of Western hemisphere farts. Go figure? Apparently there’s no upper limit the Japs won’t pay for a complete set of fart-filled jars belonging to Western girl band members. Well, if that’s true, my advice to the members of Little Mix is…’register your back-end emissions as intellectual property’!

SATAN GOES TO SCHOOL!

satan

American Satanists have won permission to start a children’s club at a primary school. The After-School Satan club will meet once a month at Sacramento Elementary in Portland, Oregon. A spokesperson for the city’s Satanic Temple, said the club would provide an alternative to the school’s Bible-centred Good News Club. Now I wonder who the After-School Satan club’s first guest speaker will be? “Gee Satan…nice hooves, great horns, but your breath ain’t cutting it!” How about a selfie? America: ‘Land of the free, home of the brave’. Lunatics welcomed!