MY FANTASY VEHICLE!

Popemobile

Have you ever seen the show Wheeler Dealers? If you haven’t, in it a car dealer buys a pre-used car with iconic status and an ace mechanic restores same vehicle to near pristine condition. Now wouldn’t it be grrreat if the two-man team were to buy a used popemobile and turn it into a drifter? I can just see Pope Francis ‘drifting’ around the wide Vatican corridors while promoting safe sex and Bridgestone tyres!

‘BRITISH’ FOOD AIN’T WORTH EATING NO MORE!

rotten veg

Over the teeth, past the gums, look out stomach, here it comes! Folks, when it comes to food, we Brits don’t actually know what we put in our stomachs! In recent years a lot has been said and done regarding ‘sell-by-dates’, ‘use-by-dates’, preservatives and fat contents, yet a lot of ‘fresh’ fruit and vegetables have slipped through these guidances. When I was a kid, a bowl of green apples would last for weeks, and when bitten into, taste juicy and fresh. These days, supermarkets may sell apples up to 18-months-old thanks to a rich nitrogen atmosphere in which apples are stored. ‘Fresh’ fish can be up to 2-years old, bread, 12-months, potatoes, 12-months, bananas, 1-month, salad, fruit and veg, 3-weeks and milk, 3-weeks. This must explain why we have only 2-3 days in which to eat this stuff once it reaches supermarket shelves, despite the fact we are paying premium prices! Is it any wonder we Brits throw away more food than any other country? I very much doubt the population of any other European country would stand for old food sold as fresh food, or fruit and veg that is grown in water rather than soil, such as tasteless tomatoes and strawberries! Perhaps the answer is to buy frozen fruit and veg?

DREAMS ‘CAN’ COME TRUE!

hearse

My mate, twice bankrupt Mick Stewart grumbled he’d worked all his life, and for what? “Dave, I’ve no pension, bugger all in the bank, and my house is so in need of a complete restoration, the DIY SOS team rejected my house outright after I sent in photos! I must be the consummate under-achiever! My dreams were small, yet I still didn’t manage to turn them into reality!” I asked Mick what they were, and he replied, “I always fancied being chauffeured in a limousine.” I reminded Mick we will all end up being chauffeured in a limousine. “Mick, it’s called a hearse!”

BORIS JOHNSON TAKES ON THE WORLD!

Boris 1

In a surprise move, Theresa May, newly installed Prime Minister, has appointed Boris Johnson as Britain’s new Foreign Secretary. The gentleman will also oversee MI6. Leading the foreign spy service is a logical move, bearing in mind Boris has personal experience of ‘covert activities’. Ahem!

SLIPPERY WHEN WET!

slippery when wet

“Have you had an accident at work that wasn’t your fault? Well, have you? Perhaps you should consider the possibility you’re simply accident prone? Have you lost your bollocks in a commercial trouser press? Perhaps you should consider the possibility you are suffering from early-stage Tourette’s? Pick up the phone now and phone ‘CashMoney Solicitors’! We can’t promise to get you your knackers back, but we ‘can’ promise to get you compensation!” Now that’s what I want to hear from a TV advert!

‘CUDDLE’ AGENCY…OH HOW RIDICULOUS!

absurd

As a ‘newish’ amalgam of many different races, having gone from infancy to adulthood without experiencing puberty, it has been said, Americans are emotionally immature. As a people who constantly require ‘reassurance’ (‘good job’), it comes as no surprise to me ‘cuddle’ agencies have sprung up across the USA. Naturally, as a ‘fiefdom’ of America, it was only a matter of time before similar agencies opened up in Britain. ‘Be-Cuddled’  hopes to emulate the success of cuddle agencies in America, in offering cuddles to those who really need a hug. For £50:00 you can receive an hour of cuddling, while a ‘dusk-to-dawn’ snuggle will set you back £450:00. Frankly I’d rather pay the difference and have sex!

BREXIT…WHAT BREXIT?!?

shenanigans

Despite the recent referendum result, Britain may never leave the European Union! A group of secret pro-European billionaires have instructed top law firm Mishcon de Reya to launch a legal challenge in the High Court to ensure the process for Britain leaving the EU does not begin without a parliamentary debate, followed by a vote. The lawyers claim the Government cannot trigger Article 50 without an act of Parliament?! If any legal challenge is successful, and bearing in mind the next Prime Minister, Theresa May, backed the ‘Remain’ campaign, the chances are, any vote by MPs will favour remaining in the EU, thus betraying the wishes of constituents who voted out. For democracy lovers everywhere, let us hope any legal challenge fails!

*Meanwhile, more than 1,000 lawyers across the UK have signed a letter addressed to Prime Minister David Cameron insisting that last month’s referendum result to leave the European Union is not legally binding.

HOW TO ADD ‘££££’ TO A MASTERPIECE!

arty farty

Millions of pounds worth of ‘masterpieces’ have been removed from art galleries around the UK and replaced with forgeries for a new Sky TV series; Fake! The Great masterpiece Challenge. Contestants are asked to spot the imposters. The thing is, many masterpieces we all know and love aren’t necessarily masterpieces per say. Many were started by famous artists, only to be completed by one or several apprentices. All it takes is a paid ‘expert’ to sign to the effect, ‘authentic’, or ‘attributed to’.

I’M BUYING A MONKEY!

monkey cleaner

Now that my long-suffering live-in girlfriend Julia has left me to go training as one of the Mars Mission colonists alongside her brand new lesbian lover, the house has become a tip! Keeping house is no easy task. The last two domestics failed to meet my high standards of cleanliness. One drank my drinks cabinet dry and threw up on the Chinese carpet, while the other cleaner was caught on camera sniffing my dirty underwear! So I have decided to buy a live-in monkey from an EU monkey trafficker and train the animal to clean house. Interviews will commence next week. Meanwhile, I’ve researched monkeys and ‘diet’, and have stocked the fridge with ‘venison en croute’ and curry ready meals. Obviously I won’t expect the creature to finger my anus as Julia did. Wish me luck now!

FOREIGN ‘GIGOLOS’ TAKING BRITISH CELEBS FOR A MINT!

gigolo

* ‘Gigolo’…a man who has a continuing sexual relationship with and receives financial support from an older woman.

I’ve lost count of the number of female British celebrities who end up marrying much younger, foreign gigolos, some of whom barely speak English. The marriage invariably breaks up after a maximum of two years, whereupon the celeb choses to shell out an effing fortune to their ex-husbands, rather than suffer the indignity of going to court, ex-husbands who then return to their native countries, flush! Sorry, if a bloke can’t prove financial loss by giving up a career to marry a celeb, then he shouldn’t be entitled to a single penny! Let’s preserve our fragile, female celebs by kicking out Euro trash, thereby protecting our British lady gardens from this foreign invasion! Of course, you could argue, it’s none of my damn business, and you would be right!!

BREXIT…OR ‘HOW TO GET A DIVORCE’, EUROPEAN STYLE!

brexit

Now that Britain…excluding Scotland and the Republic of Ireland…have voted to leave the United States of Germany (the EU), where will ex-Premier David Cameron reside? Possibly Brussels? Might the pro-European be offered a seat in the European Union’s cabinet government. As a commissioner, the gentleman will be able to line his pockets, just as Britain’s ex-Labour Party leader Neil Kinnock did!

SKELETONS FOUND IN POMPEII RUINS!

skeleton

Italian and French archaeologists discovered what they initially thought were four skeletons in the ruins of Pompeii. Their initial joy turned to disappointment when one of the skeletons asked for directions to the nearest colonic irrigation centre. It turned out, the skeletons were in fact four catwalk supermodels on a walking holiday!

IS THE SUMMER OLYMPIC GAMES OPEN TO ‘AMATEUR’ ATHLETES?

rat weight lifting

I pose this question because as far as I can tell, it appears most of the athletes in competition are professionals! Since tennis was re-introduced, golf and rugby are to stage a comeback in Rio 2016! Is there any such thing as an ‘amateur’ athlete anymore, or is everyone either on ‘wages’ or supported by corporate sponsorship? Is it simply that, to achieve ‘sporting excellence’, one must have pot loads of money in order to train full-time and to eat the right food? Of course, without money some amateur athletes with potential won’t ever make it to the Olympics. I guess the answer is, if you show early athletic prowess, you had better pick a sexy sport that will attract sponsorship! Is the richest athlete in the world, Usain Bolt still classed as an amateur?

WHAT ARE THEY ‘SMOKING’ IN THE EUROPEAN PARLIAMENT?

absurd

Heavy-duty weed me thinks!? While the 580 million human members of the European Union concern themselves with mundane things such as paying rent, putting food on their tables, and not losing their low-paid jobs to economic migrants or to automated robots, the European Parliament’s legal affairs committee is considering plans to give basic labour rights to robots, declaring machines, electronic persons. The machines would be free to own and trade money, claim copyright on creative work and force human owners to pay into a pension in case the machines are damaged. This reminds me of Robin William’s performance as ‘Andrew’ in Bicentennial Man (1999). Of course in the real world, AI is just that, artificial! Robots are, and will remain, inanimate, and not sentient! The EU legal affairs committee would be better off spending their time and our money fighting people trafficking. What of the human rights of sex slaves? The above is another typical example of EU waste brought on by mental masturbation!