SATAN GOES TO SCHOOL!

satan

American Satanists have won permission to start a children’s club at a primary school. The After-School Satan club will meet once a month at Sacramento Elementary in Portland, Oregon. A spokesperson for the city’s Satanic Temple, said the club would provide an alternative to the school’s Bible-centred Good News Club. Now I wonder who the After-School Satan club’s first guest speaker will be? “Gee Satan…nice hooves, great horns, but your breath ain’t cutting it!” How about a selfie? America: ‘Land of the free, home of the brave’. Lunatics welcomed!

THE BENEFITS OF CHICKEN LIVE PATE (CHOPPED LIVER).

Chopped Liver

Chopped Liver (Photo credit: @MSG)

“Darling, if you’ve run out of chocolate icing to put on the cake, well you can always use chopped liver!”

Over the years I have suffered from several skin ailments, from eczema to psoriasis to second-degree burns. No balm or ointment worked. Even Dead Sea minerals wouldn’t clear my complexion. As a last resort I tried rubbing chopped liver all over my skin. Wow! I’ve lost count of the number of people who comment on my beautiful complexion. When I mention that I moisturise using chopped liver people stare at me in disbelief. Of course there are certain times of the year when I find it hard to come by the stuff. Passover is one of them! Hoarding should be a crime!

Truly, the benefits of using chopped liver as a moisturiser cannot be underestimated. What follows is also a general feeling of well-being associated with an enhanced state of physical fitness. I run everywhere…I have to, if only to prevent the pack of wild cats and dogs catching up to me.

Yours truly,

The Ambassador for chopped liver.

LADY CHATTERLEY’S LIVER!

liver

Wow, an exiting time for bibliophiles! An early draft of D. H. Lawrence’s Lady Chatterley’s Lover has just been unearthed in Nottinghamshire. In it, Constance Chatterley is portrayed as a local gossip and alcoholic, who in later life succumbs to liver failure. Presumably ‘Lady Chatterley’s Liver’ didn’t have the same appeal as ‘Lady Chatterley’s Lover’?

ARE YOU LOOKING FOR LOVE?

love-6

Nah, me neither! I was in love once, and frankly, once was enough! Responsibility, expectations, compromises…who needs it? Let us not forget the painful break-up! I’m definitely out of love with love! People say, ” But what are you going to do when you get old?” “David, who’s going to look after you?” I’ll source a monkey on the internet and train it to act as my valet. Perhaps it’ll even nosh me off? Is that illegal?

CAN I PLEASE SEE YOUR PRIEST’S HOLE?

priest-hole

Like many people, I like visiting grand historical houses and castles across the length and breadth of Britain. I particularly like visiting historical old Catholic homes that once belonged to historical old Catholics, for I have developed a particular interest in priest holes. Now as I’m sure you are aware, a priest hole is the term given to a hiding place for a priest built into many of the principal Catholic houses of England during the period when Catholics were persecuted by law in England. Many great houses had a priest hole built so that the presence of a priest could be concealed when searches were made of the building. They were cunningly concealed in walls, under floors, behind false fireplaces and behind water closets. The principle architect of said holes was Jesuit lay brother Nicholas Owen who was canonised as a martyr by Pope Paul VI in 1970, long after the man was tortured to death in the Tower of London.

Anyway, having entered Ripley Castle in North Yorkshire, I happened to approach a gentleman vicar and asked him if I could visit the priest hole. Later that night, having enjoyed an Italian meal washed down  with two bottles of Chianti, conversation returned to the priest’s hole. “Mini cab!” It turned out I didn’t have Catholic tastes after all! I might be liberal in nature, but I’m no libertine!

THE ‘TEMPLATE’ OF INSANITY!

 

 

plum-crazy-1

When I ingesting food via an umbilical cord, one could only buy fragrant roses in two or three different colours. Thanks to horticultural genetic manipulation, roses now come in a multitude of different colours, but none possess any scent. Is not this development an example of insanity? Now we are in the 21st century and planning a mission to Mars, surely North Korea shouldn’t exist? If China doesn’t completely deconstruct its attack dog once and for all, eventually (20-years) North Korea will be bombed from the air by another Western allied coalition? I keep myself to myself because most people out there are plum crazy!

‘WHO’ ARE YOU?

 

who-are-you

A spokesperson for The Who said recently that men and women returning from countries where the Zika virus is active should practice safe sex or abstain for 6-months regardless of whether they are trying to conceive. Huh, that’s rich, coming from a group of geriatric reprobates who spent 50-years cutting a swathe through society’s vaginas! Shit…so solly…that’s the World Health Organisation, not The Who rock band! Now I feel like a proper Charlie!

SEX, DRUGS, AND POLITICS!

keep-calm-and-indulge-yourself

Keith ‘Teflon’ Vaz, Labour MP, has just stood down as Chair of the Home Affairs Select Committee after 10-years, after a Daily Mail sting exposed the politician for allegedly paying male escorts for sex and allegedly offering to pay for cocaine. I for one would like to know if Keith Vaz has or intends to claim the cost of his not so private life on MPs expenses? The public purse is not bottomless, or is it? I don’t suppose Mrs Vaz intends noshing her husband off any time soon!

I WISH YOU A ‘SHORT’ LIFE!

age-is-just-a-number

Further to an earlier post regarding human longevity, ever since Alexander Fleming discovered penicillin in 1928, medical science has striven to extend our lives through numerous biological, chemical and engineering breakthroughs, but with no thought as to what Western society is to do with an ageing population that costs a packet to keep going! There are no spare beds in hospitals, and the cost of a bed in a residential home for the elderly averages out at £1000 per week! I don’t suppose between 1928 and 1946 anyone considered that one day computers would rule the world, making tens of millions of able-bodied people redundant. Life certainly has a value, but quite what that value is I don’t know! AGE is just a number only if one remains in good health!

A TAYLOR ‘SWIFT’ BREAK-UP!

broken-heart

I can’t believe the three-month romance between fat actor Tom Hiddleston and fat singer Taylor Swift has come to an end! I for one don’t think it was a publicity stunt, but then again, what do I know about romance? My last encounter ended with a penicillin shot! But what on earth are the celebs going to do about the joint life-assurance policies and pensions? Which celeb is going to get the golden ticket for 6-months free colonic irrigation treatment, after all, a celebrity colon in showroom condition is not to be sniffed at!

ANOTHER BRICK IN THE WALL!

bricks

‘Hurry, hurry,’ build affordable new housing for first-time buyers! The Government is saying it, the mayor for London is saying it, councils are saying it, the people are saying it! Never mind the high cost to developers buying land in the south-east and elsewhere, the problem is…there ain’t enough BRICKS! Currently there is a shortage of 1.4 BILLION bricks, enough to build 240,000 new homes!  It takes 9,000 bricks to build an average size, 3-bed house. Surely the answer is, only use 8,999!?

NURSE, CAN YOU HELP ME?

NHS

I was searching online for cheap flights to Dublin. It turned out there wasn’t that much difference in price between Aer Cunnilingus, Aer Linctus and Aer Fungus. I saved myself £15:00 by booking with Ryanair. Hey, it was only a short flight so I didn’t mind flying in the upright position! Seats are for couch potatoes anyway! Closing the laptop, I turned and inexplicably fell on the kitchen floor, dislocating my left shoulder. Despite being in excruciating pain I managed to get myself to ‘A & E’.

‘Oh don’t be such a baby,’ one of the nurses said after I complained I’d been there for two hours and had yet to be seen. A further three hours passed, and still no relief. ‘Oh for God sake, give me something for the pain!’ Apparently I couldn’t get pain relief until a doctor had assessed my injury. Another hour passed. ‘I’m begging you,’ I said. ‘Do something about the pain, otherwise I’ll have to slam my shoulder against a wall!‘ The reply? ‘Oh you mustn’t do that. There are ‘health & safety’ considerations. The mortar is weak. If you expose the brickwork, we’ll have to clear A & E, but I might be able to do something about the pain.’ So relieved, I expressed gratitude. The nurse duly shot me in the leg with a cross-bow bolt. ‘Huh,’ she said, ‘I bet you can’t feel your shoulder now?’ 

THE ‘DOGGING’ OLYMPICS!

 

no sex here

After exhaustive research, according to new data released under the Freedom of Information act, leafy Elmbridge in Surrey, home to exclusive commuter villages like Claygate, Esher, Oxshott, Weybridge and Cobham, is the dogging capital of the UK. Famous residents include footballer Peter Crouch, Rolling Stone Ronnie Wood and tennis player Andy Murray, none of who dog. One can only presume there is something in the Surrey air that encourages people to engage in open-air acts of a sexual nature?

According to the Daily Mail, the special mobile Surrey Police Dogging Patrol have identified at least 10 areas, from car-parks to secluded woodland nooks, where strangers watch each other have sex, in contrast to much maligned Norfolk that has just six dogging areas. Many complaints have been lodged, many by women walking their dogs alone and from parents who don’t want to take their children anywhere near that kind of environment. Never mind, for once Emlbridge woodland and heathland is bulldozed to make way for essential cheap housing, dogging will no doubt be confined to the dustbin…areas!

Let us not forget, dogging is not illegal, but only a criminal offence if it causes ‘alarm or distress’ to others. My advice for what its worth is, if you happen across a couple performing lewd acts of a sexual nature in public, shut your eyes! Alternatively you could always video the act and later upload it onto YouTube! Personally I’ve never had a yen to dog, preferring to conduct my acts of sexual depravity in the comfort and privacy of my private abode. In other words, I don’t much fancy a squirrel mistaking my nuts for its nuts! Furthermore it is worth noting, unlike ‘traditional’ athletes, currently there is no state sponsorship for amateur doggers. However this might change if an application is ever submitted to the IOC (International Olympic Committee) to include dogging in the 2020 Tokyo Summer Olympics!