Eleven a.m. returned from junk shop with genie in a bottle! The little f**ker refused to come out, so I sent in a wasp! Genie finally made an appearance. I doubt ‘Morris’ is his real name. Anyhow, the gravity-defying little bastard refused point-blank to grant me three wishes, so I attached a clamp around his scrotum, forcing him to ‘cough up’. My first wish was a chocolate button tree. Granted! My second wish was a chocolate éclair tree. Granted! My third wish? “Swat that f**king wasp!”
I’m in the process of rediscovering jazz. There are so many different types of jazz, it really can be a minefield to find what it is that pleases me! For example, ‘The Shape of Jazz to Come’ by Ornette Coleman, recording in 1959, has been hailed as a masterwork by: ‘Rate Your Music’, ‘A-Z of Jazz Albums’, ‘All Music Review’ and ‘Best Ever Jazz Albums’. Now I don’t know what the reviewers were smoking while they listened to ‘The Shape of Jazz to Come’, but I don’t want any of it! ‘Forty years ahead of its time?’ Tosh! The album is unrefined, unpolished and far too ‘free’/’improvised’ for my sophisticated taste. Free jazz that loses melody and rhythm is definitely not a pleasant experience for my lil’ old ears! The incidences of sporadic jazz and instantaneous musical detours are enough to bring on a migraine! I guess the success of ‘The Shape of Jazz to Come’ must be down to savvy media marketing? How can you possibly compare Coleman’s album to the genius of Miles Davis’s ‘Porgy & Bess’ released in the same year? Listening to jazz shouldn’t be an interesting experience, it should be a pleasurable one! It is only the emotional response elicited from a piece of music that elevates it to greatness! Another ‘over-rated’ album is John Coltrane’s ‘A Love Supreme’! I can listen to Charlie Mingus, Stan Getz, Dexter Gordon and Bill Evans all day long!
Apparently men in China are so desperate to get hold of an iPhone 6…4488 Yuan, or £449…they are prepared to sell a kidney! Social media site ‘QQ’ are offering 100,000 (£10,000) to 200,000 Yuan (£20,000) per organ. Alternatively, one might consider ‘donating’ 17ml of Oriental sperm to a Shanghai sperm bank that is offering to take it off a donor’s hands for 6000 Yuan (£600). Huh, with a population of 1.4 billion, one would think Chinese sperm is not in short supply? Surely with all the counterfeiting going on in China one should be able to get hold of an iPhone 6 for far less than £449?
According to the Health and Social Care Information Centre, Britain’s obesity ‘epidemic’ is responsible for the soaring numbers of hip and knee replacements, which cost of £9,000 and £6,000 respectively. The NHS spend £1 billion a year on hip replacements, and £600 million a year on knee replacements. Of course not all of the money is spent on replacement ‘support mechanisms’ for the obese, just a great deal of it. Britain is now one of the fattest countries in Europe, but only as long as we are part of the EU, right? A quarter of Britain’s adult population is now obese, having a body mass index (BMI) of 30 or more, with the ‘morbidly’ obese in possession of blubber 35 (BMI) or higher. So that’s it, we fat fuckers! Never mind folks, when the
haemorrhoid…asteroid in the shape of a smoke salmon cream cheese bagel hit the planet at the end of the month, we porkers will all be thinned out, so don’t bust a gut over blubber!
Lord Hanningfield, aka Paul Edward Winston White, has been charged with ‘false accounting’ in relation to claims for £300 ‘daily allowance’ at the House of Lords, after allegedly ‘clocking in’ 11 times in July 2013 for no more than 40 minutes per visit. Huh, hardly enough time to order and eat one’s full English breakfast, what? I do hope Lord ‘H’ didn’t suffer too badly from acid reflux?
Now that Russia has entered the Syrian conflict, the ‘production’ is likely to get more curtain calls than Phantom of the Opera! But who exactly is the cast? Anti-Isis/anti-Assad regime= USA, UK, France, Turkey, Saudi Arabia, Qatar. Anti-Isis/pro-Assad regime= Russia, Iran. I can see a lot of toes being stepped on! And in the air? Why with so many different air forces vying for the same air space, air traffic control officers must be sniffing glue and downing cans of Red Bull by the case load! This is one civil war that no one will win!
Oh f**k me, churches across Britain may be about to get the oxygen sucked from their prayers! The new Psychoactive Substances Bill before Parliament, is designed to ban all ‘legal highs’, making it a criminal offence to sell ‘any substance intended for human consumption that is capable of producing a psychoactive effect’, which incense can. The Association of English Cathedrals, along with the Churches’ Legislation Advisory Service is urging ministers to make ‘specific exemption’ for incense, for incense has an important symbolic role. Vicars argue the smoke represents the presence of God, prayers, the rising to God, and the offering of gifts and lives, as a sacrifice to God. In essence, incense is used to enhance the worship experience in much the same way Ecstasy enhances the experience at a rave!
Despite the fact I’m a practicing atheist, I too am concerned about the possible banning of incense. Ever since my cat flea infestation of 2012, I rely upon incense in the summer months to keep all flying insects out of my house! I use a variety of ‘holy’ incense, including Frankincense, Pontifical blend incense, The Kings incense and Cedars of Lebanon incense. Why I’ve even tried burning the Monastic blends, which include the Byzantine blend, sweet Myrrh, the Archangel Michael blend and the Queen of Heaven Supreme blend. My favourites remain Frankincense for its pine, lemony and woody aroma, and Myrrh for its richness and greater depth of pong. Wonderful basenotes too! It must be said, although my house smells like a brothel-keeper’s workplace, burning incense does keep the flies away. I’m never ever bitten! Of course it takes all winter to get rid of the bloody smell. Then it starts all over again the flowing summer! Banning incense makes no sense and would be insensitive to the needs of the Church…and me!
Toy maker Mattel is launching a ‘radical’ new Barbie later this year. Voice recognition software is imbedded in her, which I guess makes Barbie media savvy? The doll records speech and sends it to a server which chooses a relevant response. Talkin’ Barbie will use 8,000 lines of dialogue while responding to kids questions. Talkin’ Barbie also has the capacity to remember names of family pets, so when Fido pisses all over her gingham dress, Barbie can tell him to ‘fuck off’! Of course there are plenty of opportunities to overload the server should you wish to! “Barbie, what game do you want to play?” Barbie might reply: “Slutty Barbie has always fancied having a threesome with Ken and one of his plastic friends! Now isn’t it time you rubbed baby oil into Barbie’s ass? Oh, I promise not to fart in your face!”
I’m a Barbie girl, in a Barbie world
Life in plastic, it’s fantastic.
You can brush my hair, undress me everywhere.
Imagination, life is your creation.
Come on Barbie, let’s go party!
I’m a blond bimbo girl, in a fantasy world,
Dress me up, make it tight, I’m your dolly.
You’re my doll, rock’n’roll, feel the glamor in pink,
Kiss me here, touch me there, hanky panky.
You can touch,
you can play,
if you say “I’m always yours” (Aqua: ‘Barbie Girl’ 1997)
Watford diner, ‘The Steakhouse’ promised diners exotic meats, including zebra, crocodile, kangaroo, camel, llama and wildebeest, but what diners received on their plates was horse meat and venison! After a number of complaints, Trading Standards officers from Hertfordshire County Council visited the premises, and the upshot was, the manager pleaded guilty to misinforming customers at St Albans magistrate court and was ordered to pay nearly £4000 in fines.
As it happens, I once dined at the Watford Steakhouse. I ordered a plate of grilled kangaroo anus in garlic butter. Frankly it was not to my taste, so I asked for a doggy bag and took the roo anuses home for my then girlfriend Sally. I wanted to break it off with the woman, but didn’t quite know how to word it. I figured a present of warm kangaroo sphincter muscles would do the trick. Now even a bastard like me wasn’t prepared for Sally’s response. “Where are the f**king fries?”
In recent years it has been reported, some exasperated members of parliament have resorted to fist fights in voting chambers! Parliamentarians in Russia, Turkey, Hungary, Taiwan and Japan have all at one time or another been lost for words, preferring to duke it out in order to settle their differences! In some cases even furniture has come crashing down on heads. Now this kind of unacceptable behaviour would never happen in Britain’s House of Commons, and the reason for this is, most of our MPs are usually too f**king drunk to make a fist! It is not by chance there are numerous drinking wells scattered around the Palace of Westminster. Why half the time most of the MPs don’t even know what Party they are supposed to be supporting! Its simply marvellous to witness Democracy at work, don’t you think?
One of the reasons open prisons in Britain are full and there are so few absconders, is because no one wants to leave! Once upon a time it was a complicated process to smuggle drink and drugs into a prison compound. It required stealth and cunning. Now organised crime gangs are using small commercial drones (UAVs) to smuggle in contraband, ranging from drugs, to alcohol and mobile phones. Surely it is only a matter of time before heavy-duty UAVs drop off flat-packed wardrobes, bazookas, laser-guided missiles, cake, Belgium chocolates and freshly baked croissants and bagels? Oh how times have changed since prisoners broke rocks in a quarry! Rehabilitation of offenders? Why bother!
I recently read an article concerning the increase in sexually transmitted diseases in the over 50s and 60s age groups, still it came as somewhat of a surprise when out of the blue my widowed uncle Joe blurted that he was a ‘swinger’, and had been for over five years. Internet savvy, Joe had linked up with a number of senior citizens up and down the country for ‘no strings attached’ sexual encounters, and would think nothing of driving hundreds of miles for a weekend of general debauchery in someone’s private home. Apparently people of a certain age, his age no longer throw car keys into a bowl, but do gently place down Viagra bottles, blood pressure monitors, medical alert bracelets and spectacles. When I suggested Joe’s late wife might be horrified at his activities, my uncle replied, ‘Good!’
Are your sexual relations threatened by a new strain of super-gonorrhoea? 35,000 cases of gonorrhoea were reported in England in 2014. A highly resistant strain of the super-‘G’ is spreading across the North of England…Scunthorpe, Macclesfield, Oldham. Could it be there’s poor cell phone, internet and TV reception up North? Christ, who knows where the STI will turn up next? Perhaps that’s why Scottish folk are so desperate for independence? Jan Clarke of the British Association for Sexual Health said: “We really are scaring on thin ice as far as treating gonorrhoea is concerned.” Huh, one would have thought it would be pretty difficult to have sex while skating on thin ice? It has been suggested this super-‘G’ strain developed as a result of the previously celibate over 50s group re-discovering casual sex via the internet. Anyway, if the super-‘G’ finds its way to the South-east and London, it is even possible house prices will fall, which will be a blessing for first-time buyers! Perhaps its time some of the sexually active members of British society place a moratorium on sex and rediscover celibacy? Of course that doesn’t mean you can’t stay at home, get drunk and take drugs!
We’re all used to seeing images of jam-packed Indian trains with travellers riding the roofs. No one could envisage that kind of behaviour occurring in a First World country. Well it has! Desperate for a new, safe and prosperous life in the West, migrants/economic refugees have been caught riding the roofs of Channel Tunnel trains heading for Britain. Well all I can say is, hurry up and get here, because with a national debt exceeding £1.6 trillion, and growing at a rate of £5,170 per second, migrants will soon be joining us all on the streets! (Our own personal debts exceed the national debt by several billion pounds).
And by the way, new Labour Party leader Jeremy Corbyn, wants to pay off the Britain’s national debt should he ever come to power. Really? What does the gentleman intend to use to pay off the debt which will undoubtedly have exceeded £2 trillion by the next general election? Oh right…us! Since Labour isn’t working, would the last person leaving the country please turn off the lights!
According to the First Sea Lord, Admiral George Zambellas, the Royal Navy hopes to have developed a ‘death ray’ by 2020, which actually means, 2030! Well, it will make a change to having to buy all our ordnance from the Americans, won’t it? But hang on just a second, wasn’t a death ray used to great effect over 40-years ago by the Mysterons in Captain Scarlet and the Mysterons? I wonder if the Royal Navy’s death ray tests will be videoed in Supermarionation too? I do hope Royal Navy engineers will remember to use extra long life alkaline batteries, otherwise their new weapon won’t even burn a hole in a piece of paper!