FANCY AN ELECTRIC SURFBOARD?

Unveiled at the Cannes Yachting festival, the Swedish designed Radinn wireless controlled, carbon fibre, electric surfboard has a salt water-resistant jet propulsion system which is powered by lithium batteries that will last for 30-minutes when the board is driven at full speed: 29mph, 46km, or 25 knots. By the time the Radinn board is available to buy in 2015, the makers claim it will go even faster! Cost: 15,000 Euros, or £11,800, or $20,000! What a grrreat piece of kit, and a must buy for James Bond, super yacht owners, Somali pirates, Britain’s SBS (Special Boat Service) and US Navy Seals who don’t want to get their hair wet!

DON’T TALK TO ME ABOUT THE WEATHER!

My friend Fred, an amateur weather forecaster, was hell-bent on discussing the weather with me. “I hear its going to be fine until November,” he said. “And where did this information originate from,” I replied. “A meteorologist perhaps?” Fred shook his head, so I rebuked him. “Then its bloody irresponsible of you to spread unsubstantiated data! What if I was to rely upon your forecast and wear shorts and a Hawaiian shirt only to be caught out in a thunder-storm, or worse, a heavy snow shower? I could die of hypothermia!” Fred was red-faced with embarrassment. “Get me a spreadsheet from the BBC weather centre, and then perhaps I’ll take you seriously!” I stuck my head out of a window. “F**k,” I said. “I think it’s going to rain tonight, but don’t tell anyone because I can’t substantiate my claim!”

I HATE PAINTINGS BY VINCENT VAN GOGH!

Self-Portrait, Spring 1887, Oil on pasteboard, 42 × 33.7 cm., Art Institute of Chicago (F 345). (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

After being branded a fake, dumped in an attic and hidden from public view for more than a century, an unsigned painting has finally been attributed Vincent Van Gogh…oil on canvas, and hailed as a masterpiece. Well that should help reached the reserve! The starting bid is expected to be the price of a small to medium-sized country, after all, it’s  the first full-size Van Gogh to  emerge for 85 years.

Researchers used 21st century technology to confirm the authenticity of  ‘Sunset at Montmajour’, The landscape was painted on July 4, 1888, and mentioned the next day in a letter the artist wrote to his brother Theo. He described the scene but expressed disappointment at the painting, saying: ‘It  was well below what I’d wished to do.‘ Perhaps that’s why Vincent refused to sign it, or is the more likely answer that the artist simply ran out of f**king paint!

The painting everyone in the snooty art world is getting so excited about was bought in about 1910 by Norwegian industrialist Christian Mustad, who having been told it was a forgery, stuck it in his attic. The best place for it if you ask me! A further attempt to attribute the painting to Vincent failed in 1991. Last year the same museum that rejected it in 1991, The Van Gogh Museum in Amsterdam, announced that an intensive, two-year investigation had concluded it was genuine after all. Chemical analysis of paint pigments showed them to be identical to those Van Gogh used, and x-ray examination of the canvas matched it to other paintings he did the same month.

Van Gogh sold only one painting while he was alive and his work was only beginning to win acclaim after he died. Have you ever thought why the artist only managed to sell one painting in his life, bearing in mind the man painted over 2000? Perhaps his work was considered crap? Today Van Gogh is one of the world’s most celebrated artists and his paintings are among the most sought after in the world…but not by art lovers, but by super rich people who have an eye for a good investment. Frankly, the only reason Van Gogh paintings fetch such RIDICULOUS sums at auction is that the dead artist has enjoyed over 100 years of free, relentless, worldwide publicity through the mediums of film and books. I wonder how much Vincent’s paintings would go for if Kirk Douglas hadn’t portrayed the artist in the 1956 film ‘Lust for Life’.

Am I really the only art lover in the world who hates paintings by Vincent Van Gogh? I’ve never liked the Post-Impressionist period. Yes, Van Gogh use of colour is indeed impressive, however, I hate the way he applied paint to canvas. I wouldn’t even call them brush strokes. The Dutchman loaded paint onto a canvas much like a plasterer applies plaster to a wall. Unsophisticated, unsubtle, laboured, lacking detail even for an impressionist, crude and childish. What does surprise me about ‘Sunset at  Montmajour’ is that after 125 years, the paint has actually dried! It’s unfortunate that Vincent Van Gogh was plagued by mental health issues, including agonising depression, loneliness, self-doubt and episodes of hallucination, but BAD painting is BAD painting, and no excuses should be made for it. One of the greatest painters of all time? Don’t make me laugh!  Someone should have whispered into Vincent’s one good ear. “Eh, Vince…sometimes, less is more!”

 

 

 

THE POLICALLY INCORRECT SHAKESPEARE PLAY!

This was long thought to be the only portrait of William Shakespeare that had any claim to have been painted from life, until another possible life portrait, the Cobbe portrait, was revealed in 2009. The portrait is known as the ‘Chandos portrait’ after a previous owner, James Brydges, 1st Duke of Chandos. It was the first portrait to be acquired by the National Portrait Gallery in 1856. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Howard Jacobson, British author who won the 2010 Man Booker Prize for his Jewish-themed novel The Finkler Question, has been commissioned to rewrite The Merchant of Venus by a chap called Shakespeare, often referred to as the beard...BARD. Publisher Penguin Random House asked Jacobson to undertake the work as part of a series marking the 400th anniversary of Shakespeare’s death. As you may or may not know, the plays main character is a Venetian money-lender called Sherlock, and one of the most famous lines daughter Portia utters is: “If you prick us, do we not fall pregnant?” I’m so glad my education wasn’t wasted Oh you stupid boy! Oh, oh, at the end of the play, down come the Venetian blinds!

Below is the list of my favourite Shakespeare’s plays, plays that wetted my ‘appetite’ for literature.

” A Midsummer Night’s Cream Cake. “

” Much Ado about Nothing but Cake. “

” Romeo & Julian of Lamb in A Mustard Sauce. “

” Othelo & The Mystery of the Disappearing Black Forest gateau.”

” Anthony & Cleopatra Pig Out. “

” As You Like It with Extra Cream. “

” The Taming of The Stew. “

” A Winter’s Ox‑Tail Soup, Followed By Cake. “

” Love Labours Lost In A Chip Shop. “

” Trousers Too Tightus Andronicus. “

As you can see, I’m a bit of a foodie, which is a polite way of saying that I’m a GLUTTON! Why I’m so FAT, when I break wind, my neighbours think someone’s fracking for gas in Hertfordshire!

LONDON UNDERGROUND…24-HOURS A DAY FROM 2015!

Hoorah, finally the London tube system will operate around the clock! Better late than never, eh? One would have thought London, ‘consistently’ the liveliest capital city in Europe, the tube system would have been running 24/7 since the 1960s! Let us pray no one gets mugged, raped or murdered because there aren’t enough police officers or station staff on duty in the wee small hours! 24-hour party people should stick together!

CLUB MEMBERSHIPS FEES!

 

Really, how much would you pay as an annual membership fee to join so-called ‘exclusive’ club? Ten billion pounds perhaps, because that is what the United Kingdom must cough up to remain a member of the mafia run European Union! I use the word ‘mafia’ in its broadest term. Think what we could do with that huge sum if we didn’t have to hand it over? Nurses, doctors, well the list is endless isn’t it?

Remain on the subject of ‘health’ for a moment, Aberdeen Royal Infirmary (part of NHS Scotland), unable to find a ‘local’ locum to cover consultants weekend shifts, paid £5000 to fly a locum 8000 miles from India to cover two consecutive 12-hour shifts in the A & E department. Dr ‘X’ has been commuting from India regularly since August! The question must be asked, why didn’t the manager of the Aberdeen Royal Infirmary call on a locum from across the border in England? Politics!

ARE YOU RECKLESS?

Mark Reckless, Conservative MP for Rochester and Strood since 2010 has defected to UKIP. If UKIP is ever elected to government, one thing is for certain, Mark Reckless will never, never be appointed Chancellor of the Exchequer! Every time he got his sums wrong the headlines would read ‘Reckless by name, reckless by nature!’ Fancy going into politics with a name like that? To win his seat by a margin of over 10,000 votes speaks volumes about the electorate!

‘ROYAL’ STURGEON HOOKED OFF THE WELSH COAST!

Black Beluga caviar. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

A rare sturgeon, barely seen off the British coast in a century, has been landed by two boys fishing with cold sausage as bait. The 3ft fish was caught with a small rod in Pembroke Dock, South Wales. It has been suggested that the ‘royal fish’ ought to be offered to the Queen. Yeah, like Elizabeth Windsor needs a handout! Steve Colclough, of the Institute for Fisheries Management, said: ‘It could have come from an East European caviar farm. Restocking abroad means shoals of sturgeon could become more common in our waters soon.’ HOORAH! Just what the caviar market needs, competition. I’m sick of paying £1,100:00 for a 500 gram tin of Beluga. I can’t wait until it comes down in price to £1,099:00! In the meanwhile I will have to stop sharing it with Bunnee, my Cavalier.

I TREAT MY DOG AS A CHILD, BUT I DON’T ‘DRESS’ MY DOG AS A CHILD!

Cavalier King Charles Spaniel (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

I’ve been a dog lover all my life. I cannot express the JOY I get from caring for my canine friend. I’ve had dachshunds, (4) Boxers (2) and Cavaliers (2). My current doggy friend is Bunnee, the four-year-old Cavalier King Charles Spaniel bitch. She is an absolute delight! I talk to her, play with her, walk her and cuddle her whenever she requires my attention, but I draw the line at feeding Bunnee at the table, or dressing her as you might dress a child. That indulgence is revolting. If you want to dress a dog as a child, then have a child! People don’t know when to draw the line. If you dye your dog’s coat bright orange or paint its toenails, you should be on a psychiatrist’s couch!

TONY BLAIR…GAY ICON!?!

Err, what’s that all about? Following former UK Prime Minister Tony Blair’s recent ‘Philanthropist of the Year Award’ handed him at the GQ Awards in London, Mr Blair has now been hailed as an ‘Ambassador of Gay Rights’. The gentleman’s Arab backers will love that! The former PM appears on the front cover for an online edition of this month’s Gay Times. Becoming a gay icon is no mean feat. Blair achieved gay icon status for lowering the age of consent while in office, and for introducing ‘gay partnerships’ while repealing Section 28 of the Local Government Act 1988. (A local authority shall not intentionally promote homosexuality or publish material with the intention of promoting homosexuality” or “promote the teaching in any maintained school of the acceptability of homosexuality as a pretended family relationship”)

Mr Blair was heard to say ‘I’m very proud of my new gay icon status’. As a result of the gentleman’s new-found fame, he is probably going to wear a hell of a lot more chiffon. “Darling, does my bum look big in this,” may well become the epitaph on his gravestone!”

 

GEORGE CLOONEY FINALLY TIES THE KNOT!

While millions of women around the world are in mourning for the one that got away, Venice lagoon is sinking under the weight of celebrities. This weekend is not the time to visit Venice, for Hollywood superstar George Clooney is there to marry Lebanese-born fiancée, lawyer Amal Alamuddin. In attendance are hundreds of sets of pearly white teeth belonging to ‘A’ list celebs and hundreds of heavy-set bodyguards, some no doubt armed to the teeth! Since Mr Clooney supports so many good causes, I have no doubt his bride to be signed a prenup. What next for George Clooney, congressman, senator, President? Anyway, let’s hope no one who is famous gets drunk and falls into the canal water. Venice is known for a lot of things, but not its water! I understand the VIPs will dine on a five-course meal including risotto with lobster. I only hope the lobsters weren’t caught in the Venice lagoon, otherwise the wedding reception will be followed by a shit storm of biblical proportions!

IS HUMANITY DOOMED? I BLOODY WELL HOPE SO!

Certain scientists, religious fanatics and sci-fi writers claim human life is more fragile than first thought. Apparently we’re doomed, but precisely from what or who? The following is a list from which you may pick your personal apocalyptic favourite!

A rogue black hole that will suck you and your smoke salmon cream cheese bagel into oblivion. ‘Have bagel, will travel!’

A polluted atmosphere that will make it impossible to enjoy a breath or a drag on a cigarette. Well you can’t have luxury goods without pollutants!

Super-volcano eruptions that will cover your garden with lava while destabilising the planet.

Manmade dark matter that will cause a massive explosion when mixed with ordinary matter, causing extra-ordinary matter. F**king…sexy!

Diseases like Ebola that will force you to take time off work while your internal organs turn to soup.

Asteroids that will hit the earth with such velocity and force that you won’t even have time to bend over and kiss your own ass ‘goodbye’.

The big freeze that will kill every living thing while leaving frozen peas and carrots to rule what’s left of the planet.

Orbital changes that will send earth hurtling into outer space like an intergalactic bowling ball.

Gamma-ray bursts that will give everyone skin cancer. Stock up on L’Oreal Paris ‘because you’re worth it’ skincare products now, after all, no one wants to face death with a pizza face!

Biological warfare that will kill or cure. Actually, mostly kill!

Nuclear holocaust that will ‘crisp-up’ our barbecued chickens and us along with them.

Death of the sun causing us to freeze our nuts off.

Manmade hyper-intelligent robot takeover, ‘terminating’ us.

Alien invasion where ‘resistance is futile’.

The unknown! Really? Do we really need the unknown as well? Hey, let’s not made a drama out of a crisis! Que sera, sera! Err, it’s no wonder anyone who’s anyone wants to f**k off to Mars!

On the subject of calamitous occurrences, I received a handwritten, miss-addressed letter this morning. The content of the letter so alarmed me, why I just had to have an extra Shredded Wheat to fortify me from the impending invasion!

“We are the Seti of the Federation of Evil Planets, and we will be entering Earth’s atmosphere in the extremely very near future! We intend to add Earth to our portfolio of planets, so yes, ours will be an invasion fleet! To stand any chance of survival, Earth’s population must lay down its arms and be prepared to be transported to the Seti home world where you will perform a variety of menial tasks for minimum wage. Treat this as a chain letter. Please pass on!” Rather than pass the letter to the authorities who would have only filed it in the ‘pending’ tray, I resealed the invasion letter in the envelope, wrote on the back ‘return to sender’ and took the letter to the post office. “How much for a F**king stamp?” 

NATO/OTAN!

My friend Jeremy just returned from Brussels where he was given a tour of the NATO headquarters, or as the French like to call it, Organisation du Traite de l’Atlantique Nord (OTAN). When I asked Jeremy what part of the building impressed him the most, he replied “The Latin inscription above the entrance door. Shit venio“. (Shit happens). And it does too!

REALLY, WHAT ‘IS’ BAD FOR YOUR HEALTH?

Avocado (Photo credit: Livin’ Spoonful)

I’ll tell you what is really bad for my health…nutritionist and self-proclaimed food industry experts telling me what is good for my health! Tea is good for me, but only in moderation. Coffee is excellent for me, provided I don’t drink too much of it. Tomatoes are excellent for me, as is broccoli…even better, purple broccoli, but I can’t get hold of it. Oh I must eat avocados and nuts too. Blueberries, salmon, beans and spinach! Let’s not forget all that bollocks about ‘active’ yoghurt. The truth is, there is so little active material in an active yoghurt, that it doesn’t do me any good, or any harm. It is just a way of bumping up the price of yoghurt. Oh, I shouldn’t eat too much salt, or sugar. The truth is…again, if I were to cut out salt and sugar from my food, my diet would be as bland as hay. And let’s not forget aloe Vera impregnated toilet paper. Now that’s certainly changed my life around…not! As far as your ‘five-a-day’ (fruits  & veg) is concerned, well, I take my fruit in cocktails and my veg in kebabs! Nutritionists…mind your own f**king business! I’ll eat what I like, and if it shortens my life. so be it…after all, it’s not as if you’re coming to my funeral!

As far as nursing me through all those obesity-related illnesses you say I’m bound to succumb too, if the NHS is so short of money, it shouldn’t have wasted £20BILLION on a computer system that didn’t work, and the UK Government shouldn’t allow the NHS to treat millions of people who don’t pay National Insurance contributions. The NHS still short of money to treat me? It should have used its strong bargaining position/buying power to dictate what price it paid for drugs instead of paying whatever the drug companies want to charge. The NHS still short of money? It should have refused to offer gastric bands and stomach by-pass operations to questionable people who have spent twenty years and all their money on food! But don’t worry NHS, I wont cost you much. When its my turn to die, I’ll find a quiet spot in which to die and won’t bother you further! You know what they say, “Live by the kebab…die by the kebab!”

TRY KEEPING IT IN YOUR PANTS!

English: Titlepage and dedication from a 1612-1613 King James Bible, printed by Robert Barker. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

One of my neighbours, John, has 14 children by five different women. The man hasn’t done a days work in his life. When I suggested that he was IRRESPONSIBLE and a DRAIN on the local economy, he whipped out a copy of the King James Bible and opened it at Genesis. “I’m part of the Replenishment Movement,” he said. “So I go forth and multiply,” which is exactly what the John suggested I do, but not quite so politely!