MY FANTASY VEHICLE!

Popemobile

Have you ever seen the show Wheeler Dealers? If you haven’t, in it a car dealer buys a pre-used car with iconic status and an ace mechanic restores same vehicle to near pristine condition. Now wouldn’t it be grrreat if the two-man team were to buy a used popemobile and turn it into a drifter? I can just see Pope Francis ‘drifting’ around the wide Vatican corridors while promoting safe sex and Bridgestone tyres!

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‘BRITISH’ FOOD AIN’T WORTH EATING NO MORE!

rotten veg

Over the teeth, past the gums, look out stomach, here it comes! Folks, when it comes to food, we Brits don’t actually know what we put in our stomachs! In recent years a lot has been said and done regarding ‘sell-by-dates’, ‘use-by-dates’, preservatives and fat contents, yet a lot of ‘fresh’ fruit and vegetables have slipped through these guidances. When I was a kid, a bowl of green apples would last for weeks, and when bitten into, taste juicy and fresh. These days, supermarkets may sell apples up to 18-months-old thanks to a rich nitrogen atmosphere in which apples are stored. ‘Fresh’ fish can be up to 2-years old, bread, 12-months, potatoes, 12-months, bananas, 1-month, salad, fruit and veg, 3-weeks and milk, 3-weeks. This must explain why we have only 2-3 days in which to eat this stuff once it reaches supermarket shelves, despite the fact we are paying premium prices! Is it any wonder we Brits throw away more food than any other country? I very much doubt the population of any other European country would stand for old food sold as fresh food, or fruit and veg that is grown in water rather than soil, such as tasteless tomatoes and strawberries! Perhaps the answer is to buy frozen fruit and veg?

DREAMS ‘CAN’ COME TRUE!

hearse

My mate, twice bankrupt Mick Stewart grumbled he’d worked all his life, and for what? “Dave, I’ve no pension, bugger all in the bank, and my house is so in need of a complete restoration, the DIY SOS team rejected my house outright after I sent in photos! I must be the consummate under-achiever! My dreams were small, yet I still didn’t manage to turn them into reality!” I asked Mick what they were, and he replied, “I always fancied being chauffeured in a limousine.” I reminded Mick we will all end up being chauffeured in a limousine. “Mick, it’s called a hearse!”

BORIS JOHNSON TAKES ON THE WORLD!

Boris 1

In a surprise move, Theresa May, newly installed Prime Minister, has appointed Boris Johnson as Britain’s new Foreign Secretary. The gentleman will also oversee MI6. Leading the foreign spy service is a logical move, bearing in mind Boris has personal experience of ‘covert activities’. Ahem!

SLIPPERY WHEN WET!

slippery when wet

“Have you had an accident at work that wasn’t your fault? Well, have you? Perhaps you should consider the possibility you’re simply accident prone? Have you lost your bollocks in a commercial trouser press? Perhaps you should consider the possibility you are suffering from early-stage Tourette’s? Pick up the phone now and phone ‘CashMoney Solicitors’! We can’t promise to get you your knackers back, but we ‘can’ promise to get you compensation!” Now that’s what I want to hear from a TV advert!

‘CUDDLE’ AGENCY…OH HOW RIDICULOUS!

absurd

As a ‘newish’ amalgam of many different races, having gone from infancy to adulthood without experiencing puberty, it has been said, Americans are emotionally immature. As a people who constantly require ‘reassurance’ (‘good job’), it comes as no surprise to me ‘cuddle’ agencies have sprung up across the USA. Naturally, as a ‘fiefdom’ of America, it was only a matter of time before similar agencies opened up in Britain. ‘Be-Cuddled’  hopes to emulate the success of cuddle agencies in America, in offering cuddles to those who really need a hug. For £50:00 you can receive an hour of cuddling, while a ‘dusk-to-dawn’ snuggle will set you back £450:00. Frankly I’d rather pay the difference and have sex!

BREXIT…WHAT BREXIT?!?

shenanigans

Despite the recent referendum result, Britain may never leave the European Union! A group of secret pro-European billionaires have instructed top law firm Mishcon de Reya to launch a legal challenge in the High Court to ensure the process for Britain leaving the EU does not begin without a parliamentary debate, followed by a vote. The lawyers claim the Government cannot trigger Article 50 without an act of Parliament?! If any legal challenge is successful, and bearing in mind the next Prime Minister, Theresa May, backed the ‘Remain’ campaign, the chances are, any vote by MPs will favour remaining in the EU, thus betraying the wishes of constituents who voted out. For democracy lovers everywhere, let us hope any legal challenge fails!

*Meanwhile, more than 1,000 lawyers across the UK have signed a letter addressed to Prime Minister David Cameron insisting that last month’s referendum result to leave the European Union is not legally binding.

HOW TO ADD ‘££££’ TO A MASTERPIECE!

arty farty

Millions of pounds worth of ‘masterpieces’ have been removed from art galleries around the UK and replaced with forgeries for a new Sky TV series; Fake! The Great masterpiece Challenge. Contestants are asked to spot the imposters. The thing is, many masterpieces we all know and love aren’t necessarily masterpieces per say. Many were started by famous artists, only to be completed by one or several apprentices. All it takes is a paid ‘expert’ to sign to the effect, ‘authentic’, or ‘attributed to’.

I’M BUYING A MONKEY!

monkey cleaner

Now that my long-suffering live-in girlfriend Julia has left me to go training as one of the Mars Mission colonists alongside her brand new lesbian lover, the house has become a tip! Keeping house is no easy task. The last two domestics failed to meet my high standards of cleanliness. One drank my drinks cabinet dry and threw up on the Chinese carpet, while the other cleaner was caught on camera sniffing my dirty underwear! So I have decided to buy a live-in monkey from an EU monkey trafficker and train the animal to clean house. Interviews will commence next week. Meanwhile, I’ve researched monkeys and ‘diet’, and have stocked the fridge with ‘venison en croute’ and curry ready meals. Obviously I won’t expect the creature to finger my anus as Julia did. Wish me luck now!