LONDON MAYOR BORIS JOHNSON FINALLY COMES OUT OF THE CLOSET!

Boris-johnson (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

In an effort to attract billions of pounds of Arab investment for the capital, whilst addressing the Ninth World Islamic Economic Forum Boris Johnson boasted of being the first Mayor of London of ‘Muslim extraction’. Apparently, his great-great-grandfather Ahmed Hamdi, was a Muslim entrepreneur who made his money in beeswax in Istanbul, where beeswax candles were required to light the mosques. The bottom fell out of beeswax when American Thomas Edison invented the electric light bulb, whereupon Mr Hamdi went on to become politician and journalist right up to the point he was assassinated.

Well, what a revelation! Mr Johnson is certainly the first blue-eyed, blond Muslim I’ve ever seen. Presumably the man is circumcised? If not, he had better hurry up and get it done before the Arab billions migrates to France, where no doubt Mr Johnson will claim heritage there too!

A CARDINAL SIN!

Cover of Perfect Day

As a tribute to Reed who died on Sunday, the Vatican’s culture minister, Gianfranco Cardinal Ravasi  tweeted lyrics to Lou Reed’s Perfect Day to his 57,000 followers without realising they refer to drugs. Ravasi tweeted ‘Oh, it’s such a perfect day  I’m glad I spend it with you Oh, such a perfect day You just keep me hanging on  (Lou Reed)’ from his account @CardRavasi. Once the faux pas had been brought to his attention, Cardinal Ravasi re-tweeted, quoting the Bible. He wrote: ‘Be under no illusion: God will not  be fooled. You’re going to reap just what you sow (Galatians 6,7 and Lou Reed in  Perfect Day’.

Cardinal Ravasi…you call yourself a culture minister? Before attempting to appeal to the masses, you should get out more. Don’t act cool unless you are…cool! Drugs may be a sin, but so is general ignorance!

RYANAIR!

English: I Took This Photo (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Running an airline is not for the faint-hearted. It is a cutthroat business. Just one annual increase in the cost of jet fuel, and your entire yearly profits can be wiped out. They say ‘no publicity is bad publicity,’ don’t they. Michael O’Leary of Ryanair has come in for some heavy stick in the last few years, and his company has become the butt of many jokes, yet the airline continues to make substantial profits. Good luck to the man. However, some of the things he’s tried to introduce are pretty stupid. For example, a couple of years ago the man wanted to introduce a £1 fee for using the toilet when up in the air. Oh how ridiculous, and the idea was! Fancy charging couples to have SEX in the middle of a flight?

Now Ryanair has reduced the weight of hand luggage by a third, but that is a sensible idea. The less weight, the less fuel consumption, and thus the ability to keep prices down, which is after all what air travellers want. Yet it has come to my attention that the Ryanair board is about to introduce another cost saving initiative, and it is this. Women who board a plane wearing more than 1 pound of face make-up will FACE paying an additional surcharge, or be consigned to flying in the cargo hold! Loud children, the same! Left-handed travellers the same! The weight of fillings in your mouth is something else being considered, that and the weight of your hip replacement. In a future fuel cost-saving exercise, some travellers may find themselves ejected by parashoot just before touchdown. I once flew Ryanair direct to Florida. I had to make my own way from Reykjavik. Remember Michael O’Leary…no publicity is bad publicity! I wish I could get some for my blog. Of course once upon a time British Airways was ‘the world’s favourite airline.’ How did the company achieve this? They employed Saatchi & Saatchi advertising agency and gave them a budget of £60 million!

THE PURRRFECT DIET!

Español: Beluga caviar (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Celebrity chef Simon Rimmer and TV vet Joe Inglis have developed the world’s most nutritious and luxurious cat food that will cost owners £24:99 per portion, over £9000 per year, and over £127,000 over 14 years, the apparent life of a domestic cat. What is this extra special diet? Tender leg of roast duck, lobster sushi roll, Beluga caviar and beetroot jellies. Why not go the whole hog and offer the kitty cat oysters and a Civet coffee at £50 a cup? I might serve the food up to a dog, but never a cat!

A GOOD FAMILY NAME WILL STILL GET YOU INTO OXFORD OR CAMBRIDGE!

King William I (‘The Conqueror’), by unknown artist. See source website for additional information. This set of images was gathered by User:Dcoetzee from the National Portrait Gallery, London website using a special tool. All images in this batch are listed as “unknown author” by the NPG, who is diligent in researching authors, and was donated to the NPG before 1939 according to their website. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

What’s in a name? Apparently, a lot! Want to study at an elite university, but academically classed as a ‘dummkopf’, well, the prestige of a Norman surname going back 27 unbroken generations might do the trick! So if your House dates back to the time of William the Conqueror, you’re in!

Research undertaken by Dr Neil Cummins and Professor Gregory Clark of the London School of  Economics has revealed that surnames such as Darcys, Mandevilles, Percys, Montgomerys, Berkeleys, Baskervilles, Nevilles, Pakenhams, Punchards and Talbots have dominated the student rolls at Oxford and Cambridge over the last 800 years. These are just some of the Normans names who conquered England nearly 1,000 years ago. Presumably then, if you are historically valid but talk like Forrest Gump, you can still get into Oxbridge to read ‘Writing’ or any other subject. It’s nice to know that despite the smattering of human rights fed to us like breadcrumbs to ducklings, the English class system is still as healthy as ever. The ruling class still rules us, their fingers quietly around our throats!

I once tried to get into Oxford. I chose the name Copenhagen (after Wellington’s war-horse) and put down I wished to study ‘nincompoopary’. Regrettably the course was full…of Normans!

THINKING OF BUYING A SECOND HAND CAR?

“Honda_Cars_Car_dealership_Tokorozawa_Saitama” (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Car dealer Adil Hussain, 26, from Lenton, Nottinghamshire, who wound back clocks to wipe SIX MILLION miles off used cars and forged service histories of 74 vehicles he advertised online, has been jailed for fraud and ordered to repay £390,000.

I have a rule, and it is this! When buying a pre-used car, I always buy from a main agent. Buy a Honda from a Honda dealership and a Ford from a Ford dealership! Sure you pay a little bit more, but at least you get peace of mind! Right or wrong, I always assume second-hand car dealers act unscrupulously. It must be too much of a temptation not to clock a car!

UK ‘PHONE HACKING’ TRIAL FINALLY GETS UNDER WAY!

The final edition of News of the World, published on 10 July 2011. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

A jury in the phone hacking trial of former News International chief executive Rebekah Brooks, Downing Street spin doctor Andy Coulson and six other defendants will be chosen today at the Old Bailey. The trial is expected to last up to six months…barring any interruptions from phone hackers! A group of 80 potential jurors were gathered in an effort to find 12 who could hear the case in its entirety. Of the 80 potential jurors, 48 were excused  because of commitments including holidays or work. From the remaining 32, 12 will be  chosen at  random today to serve as the jury.

Brooks and Coulson, both former editors of  the News of  the World, are accused of being part of a six-year conspiracy to hack phones of celebrities, politicians and public figures at the now defunct Sunday tabloid. Brooks, who resigned from News International in July 2011, denies charges relating to phone hacking, conspiracy to commit misconduct in public office and conspiracy to pervert the course of justice, namely, the permanent removal of seven boxes of archived material from the archive of News International.

Will justice be seen to be done? My concern is that during the lengthy trial, Rebekah Brooks’s flowing red locks…the source of her magic power…might reached the courtroom floor, causing the woman to exert an undue influence over the jury! Should La Brooks eventually be found guilty of several alleged offences, her hair should be shorn, a saw should be taken to her broomstick, her witches coven disbanded, her book of spells burnt, only to be replaced with The Great British Bake Off annual. Brooks should then be forced to bake…kneading dough until her fingers are red raw! Rebekah darling, you’ve been a naught girl, a very naughty girl indeed…allegedly! Oh, could I borrow your mobile phone?

THE BRITISH ARMED FORCES OF THE FUTURE!

Airship (Photo credit: Superb@)

In an effort to save money, Danny Alexander, Treasury chief secretary has identified ‘alternatives’ for a full like-for-like replacement of the Trident nuclear deterrent. May I humbly suggest INFLATABLE nuclear submarines? Oh hang on, might not the nuclear fuel rods melt through the boat’s hull? What about dirigibles (airships), surface to air arrows and cavalry horses? When will the defence cuts cease…when we’re invaded perhaps?

AN APPLE A DAY KEEPS THE DOCTOR AWAY!

Marahon shoes (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Scientists have created running shoes with bedsprings in the soles in an attempt to reduce injuries by absorbing the shock of pounding pavement. Well I can think of a far better use for these impact resistant running shoes…SCRUMPING (stealing) apples from trees!

MELTING LAS VEGAS!

English: Rulette table in Las Vegas (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Gambling capital of the world, Las Vegas, is experiencing unusually high temperatures-46C (115F), causing chips to melt and roulette wheels to warp. A biased wheel should never be ignored. This is the time to gamble! Bet your shirt, but always wear two, in case you lose one at the tables!

KAZAKHSTAN HERE WE COME!

English: The president of Kazakhstan, Nursultan Nazarbayev during a visit to the USA, 1997. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

David Cameron became the first serving prime minister to visit Kazakhstan as he began a visit to the mineral-rich country with hopes of boosting British trade. Allegations of human rights abuses are also on the agenda for discussion. Super Dave will explain to Kazak President Nursultan Nazarbayev that it would be unconscionable for GB to trade with his country until there is some improvement in the treatment of Kazakstanis. No doubt a 10% improvement will be implemented overnight in order to appease the British Press and ultimately the British electorate, paving the way for British-Kazak trade. Of course the groundwork has already been done by Prince Andrew and Emperor Tony Blair.

FOX KILLS TOWER OF LONDON RAVENS!

English: Two ravens standing guard at the Tower of London. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Two of the Tower’s eight ravens have been killed by a fox. Tradition states that if the ravens should die or disappear then the Tower, and perhaps the Kingdom itself, shall fall. It has yet to be determined whether the fox had any political affiliations. In the meantime the British Prime Minister ‘Dave the Rave’ Cameron has called an emergency meeting of COBRA, (Cabinet Office Briefing Room A) on Whitehall. The deaths of ravens Jubilee and Gripp are thought to be so serious a matter that the PM has even recalled the Foreign Secretary from his trip to Euro Disney!

“We must resume fox-hunting immediately,” said Major-General Sir Albert Clinkbottom, KG, AC/DC, RSVP. “Deploy the Army. Hunt down those mangy varmints…show them no mercy. Someone saddle my f**king horse!” Following the meeting, those in attendance observed a two-minute silence for those selfless servants of the Crown, ravens Jubilee and Gripp.

VICTIMS OF CRIME TO CONFRONT THUGS IN COURT!

Crime Time (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

As from December 2013, once murderers, rapists and other criminals have been convicted, they will be forced to sit in court and listen to victims or their families describe through a pre-prepared statement the misery and heartache caused by their crimes. The harrowing details of suffering may well influence the length of sentence a judge applies. Currently, Victim Personal Statements are often handed over to the judge on paper, with extracts sometimes read to the court, but as part of a new Victims’ Code, to be published today, victims of crime or their relatives will be given a guarantee that their side can be heard before sentencing begins. If they do not want to read it out themselves the prosecutor can do it for them.

It is said, the process of writing and reading out the statement can help victims cope and recover from the crime. Yes, I get it, however, is a courtroom the proper place for a grand outpouring of emotion? Furthermore, if everyone insists upon their say, and perhaps breaking down in the process, might not a criminal case overrun, causing an even further backlog of cases to be heard? Other than personal satisfaction and the possibility of one’s statement influencing the jail term, what will it achieve? I don’t suppose many murderers or rapists give a shit as to the harm they’ve caused.

SUGARLAND EXPRESS!

English: Typical transport for the sugar cane harvest to the sugar/ethanol processing plant at Sao Paulo state, Brazil (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

A river of caramel is threatening to engulf the Brazilian town of Santa Adelia, Sao Paulo after a fire at a warehouse on an industrial site melted more than 30,000 tonnes of sugar. While hundreds of people have already been evacuated, others have barricaded their doors with sandbags and earth.

As well as supplying Brazilian towns with sugar, the Agrovia plant exports 1.7million tonnes of the product around the world. Last week, another fire at a warehouse belonging to Copersucar, Brazil’s biggest sugar exporter, at Sao Paulo’s port of Santos, destroyed 180,000 tonnes of sugar.

I am suspicious…two fires in one week? If the price of raw sugarcane goes up, one might be tempted to conclude speculators were responsible for the fires! Cocoa butter has already risen by 30%. If sugar rises too I may well be force to abandon my chocolate diet all together. The thought doesn’t bear thinking about!

BRITISH JOBS FOR BRITISH WORKERS!?!

Faith, Fraud & Minimum Wage (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

I’m sick of hearing from British politicians and captains of industry who claim British people aren’t capable of working hard, which is the reason they claim so many eastern Europeans are filling posts here. Why should British people have to work for minimum wage which isn’t even a living wage! You try paying your bills and raising your family on £6:31 an hour for those over 21, and £5:03 for 18-21 year olds! But what of foreign labour…how do they manage it? The answer is, they probably don’t! For example, I wonder how many eastern Europeans pay Council Tax?

Taking into account the real cost of living in London, the minimum wage should be £9:00 an hour, and to avoid paying this, companies use cheap foreign labour! Do you honestly think coffee shop chains…Nero, Starbucks and Costa Coffee would have expanded so if they had to pay employees a living wage?

Why do you think the British Inland Revenue Service has been so lax in collecting Company tax from multi-nationals, allowing them to freely use legal loopholes to avoid paying the Exchequer tens of billions of pounds? It is Government policy to make the UK financially attractive enough to tempt foreign companies to not only move their European headquarters here, but once here, to expand! The only people who pay their taxes, are you and me!