‘REVENGE’ PORN SET TO BE MADE ILLEGAL IN CALIFORNIA!

The California State Capitol building in Sacramento. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

UNITED STATES lawmakers are on the verge of making it illegal to post so-called ‘REVENGE PORN’ online after a breakup.

Politicians in California are currently debating the law, which would make it a crime to post pictures of anyone in a state of full or partial undress…even with that person’s consent.

The law – which has passed the State’s senate and is now under consideration by the assembly…is an attempt to curb what is seen as the growing number of “revenge porn” sites, where spurned lovers or exes post once-private images or videos on the web for the titilation of vast audiences.

But a crime would have only been committed if the pictures were posted with “the intent to cause serious emotional distress, and [that] the other person suffers serious emotional distress”. Now that might be difficult to prove! According to the BBC, if convicted, offenders could be fined up to $2,000, or face a month in prison, or both.

Once again, it is the ‘female’ in a relationship who gets targeted by this cyber-revenge trend. Ladies, protect yourselves! Unless you love your boyfriend…unless you can imagine spending the rest of your life with him, don’t allow him to photograph you in either a provocative pose or in a state of undress!

Many years ago my best friend at the time photographed his then girlfriend…who he professed to LOVE, in the nude. How do I know? Why he showed me them! I couldn’t understand then, nor do I understand now…why if he loved her would he so willingly expose her nakedness to me?

I once took twelve naked photographs of my artist girlfriend in the nude. Actually, we were both in the nude. Anyway, once we’d studied the photos, I handed them to her in an envelope. I wanted to encourage the young lady to abandon painting ‘general household appliances’ and switch to the female form. My girlfriend didn’t love me, and I didn’t want to hang on to photographs of someone I might have loved. Without ‘honour’ and ‘integrity’ one is in danger of becoming an animal.

The INTERNET has without doubt changed the world…but not always for the better…so watch out for those potholes on the information super highway!

GREECE HAS GOT ITS HAND OUT AGAIN!

Coat of arms of Greece since 7 June 1975. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

German Chancellor Angela ‘I know what’s best for you all’ Merkel has finally admitted that GREECE should never have been allowed to join the euro back in 2001. Don’t they say that HINDSIGHT is a perfect science! Greece gained entry with a FRAUDULENT application backed by the seal of approval of U.S. banks.

The debt-ridden nation has already been supported with €240 billion in two bailout loans from the European Union, European Central Bank and the International Monetary Fund.

Meanwhile, the tax-avoiding Grecians wants ANOTHER £8.6billion/10billion euros bailout to stay afloat. Yannis Stournaras, the Greek finance minister stated Greece will not accept any more austerity measures. Ah, so they want the money, but without conditions attached to it. Someone’s taking the piss!

Jeroen Dijsselbloem, president of the  powerful Eurogroup of finance ministers, said last week it was ‘inevitable’ a further financial lifeline would have to be extended to save Greece from collapse. I say, no amount of money will plug the hole in Greece’s finances. Greece will never pay off its debts, and will never pay its own way. If you have a gangrenous limb, there comes a point when you must bite the bullet and CUT IT OFF!

If only Germany would pay Greece substantial reparations for occupying the country during World War two, stealing its treasures, murdering its people, raping its women and turning Greek against Greek, this might go some way towards reducing the country’s national debt!

I’M SUING TONY BLAIR FOR BREAKING MY WRIST!

English: Connaught Square, W2 (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

I happened to find myself in the West End the other day. Realising that I had forgotten to post a credit card payment, I crossed the Edgware Road and headed towards a post box located at the end of Connaught Street W.2. I hadn’t realised that the letter slot had been boarded up, and why should I have? Anyway, as I reached up to drop my letter in the box, my hand bent at such an angle that I broke a bone in my wrist. It was a few days after I’d been to hospital that I discovered the post box in question was permanently boarded up due to the fact that former Prime Minister Anthony Charles Lynton Blair lived in Connaught Square, and that for the purposes of security the post box was out of service, just like my wrist! Now even if a bomb had been placed in the box and gone off…well, Connaught Square was at least 150 yards from the Edgware Road end of Connaught Street…oh for God sake! Anyway, I contacted solicitors ‘Cash, Rich & Cash,’ and await an outcome. Listen, if A.C.L. Blair didn’t live in Connaught Square the damn post box wouldn’t have been closed and I wouldn’t have broken my damn wrist! I’ve now had to pull out of my local pool and table-tennis leagues.

MY WORD, THAT PIECE OF JUNK IS WORTH A FER…FER…FORTUNE!

1954 Mercedes-Benz 300SL Gullwing Coupe (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Every few years you read in the papers how someone happens across an old car in a barn that turns out to be a rare Ferrari, Maserati, Porsche or Le Mans Jag. It usually been sitting there for forty years or more, is in dire condition, is covered in hay and has chickens roosting in it, and once lovingly restored it will go under the hammer for a gazillion pounds!

I have to tell you that I found myself in a similar situation. My Uncle Sid died and it was left to me to clear out his house in Dorset. A recluse by nature, I rarely saw the man and knew very little about him other than the fact he had made his money in property development, had survived three ex-wives and had no children. No, no, don’t get excited for me. Uncle Sid left most of his estate to charity. Anyway, the executors had already cleared anything of value from the house. All that was left was general bric-a-brac. Anything I found I was allowed to put into auction. Anything I got for it I could keep.

I was just about to pack up for the day when I decided to have a look in Uncle Sid’s double garage. At the back of it, under a tarpaulin was an old sports car dating back to the 1950s, or perhaps beyond. It too was in dire condition, so much so, I couldn’t at first glance identify the make. As far as I was concerned it was a piece of junk. I mean all I knew about cars was how to smash them up, and then the light hit the bonnet. A MERCEDES! Having searched the car for any evidence of authenticity, and found nothing, I ran back into the house and tore the place apart. After what appeared to be an inordinate amount of time I discovered a handbook to a 1955 Mercedes-Benz 300SL Alloy Coupe Gullwing. ‘It couldn’t be,’ I thought. I immediately ran to my car, grabbed my tablet and connected to the Information Superhighway. The same car recently discovered in excellent condition went under the hammer for $4.62 million. ‘I could be rich…rich with caviar days ahead of me!’

I brought in an expert called John and left the man to look over the piece of junk alone while I remained outside pacing and hoping. Ten minutes later John came back out holding a Mercedes badge emblem. ‘Well,’ I said. ‘What’s the verdict?’

‘The good news is, this is genuine,’ he said, throwing me the badge. ‘The bad news is, that’s the only thing that IS genuine. The car’s an old banged up Renault from the 1950s and is worth f-all.’ The end of the story is, far from making me money, it cost me one hundred pounds to get someone to tow the piece of junk away. If anyone else dies in my family, well, they can jolly well get someone else to clear out their house. I’ve had it with doing people favours! And as far as getting into heaven by totting up good deeds, well, when my time comes to peg out I’ll pre-pay my spot in ‘H’ by credit card. I’m pretty sure God takes visa.

PROPOSED UK BADGER CULL!

Badger in New Mexico (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

My name is Brian the Badger and I would like to mention how very disappointed I am at the news of a conspiracy between The National Union of Farmers and the British Government over the proposed badger cull. I can tell you for a fact that I don’t have tuberculosis and neither do any of my relatives. If your cattle succumb to Bovine TB, well, they must be contracting it from another source. I’m not a snitch, but have you thought about culling the mole-in-the-hole or the fox-in-the-coop? After all, it is Mr Fox that sneaks into your homes and bites your sleeping babies before taking a shit on your carpet. I’m not one to tell you your business, BUT, what about all those immigrants you’ve let in the country. I know you know some of them have TB. Might not the hungry bite cattle?

Anyway, all this NEGATIVE PR is doing nothing for my badger confidence OR my digestion. In conclusion I would say only this: “If I should die, think only this of me: That there’s some corner of a foreign field that is forever England. There shall be in that rich earth a richer dust concealed; a dust whom England bore, shaped, made aware, gave, once, her flowers to love, her ways to roam; a body of England’s breathing English air, washed by the rivers, blest by suns of home.” That’s part of a poem by Rupert Bear…BROOKE.

BADGERS EVERYWHERE UNITE!

UPDATED: 22/08/13.

The badger cull starts on Monday 26th of August in Gloucestershire and west Somerset. My badger buddies and I have not been idle. We’ve constructed thousands of miles of underground passages where we’re going to hide from members of The National Union of Farmers. I’ve been teaching my mates the finer points of martial arts, so we can now mule kick, karate chop AND bite! Graham badger suggested we disguise ourselves. I reminded him that we already have black bands along our badger faces, so what’s the point?

LONDON MAYOR’S TRANSPORT CHIEF AND £140 AN HOUR HOOKER!

Double-decker on route 38 – geograph.org.uk – 1588023 (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

London mayor Boris Johnson’s transport chief, married father-of-two Sir Peter Hendy has JAMMED himself up after Rachael Grundy, a £140-an-hour call girl claimed she had a torrid affair with him lasting nine months. The 40-year-old claimed she and the Commissioner of Transport for London began having weekly sex sessions before falling in love. She said the 60-year-old multi-millionaire also agreed to be a financial  guarantor so she could rent a  flat. Sir Peter allegedly left Miss Grundy homeless and penniless after changing his mind when his wife discovered their affair.

Sir Peter, knighted by Princess Anne in March  for services to transport and the community, was with wife Sue yesterday at  their £1.25million Georgian villa in Bath as details of his alleged  affair emerged. ‘I have absolutely nothing to say about my personal life whatsoever,’  he said.

According to Miss Grundy, Sir Peter, who earned £650,000 last year, first contacted her in late 2011 through a sordid escorting website and booked her for a three-hour session at her London flat. ‘We hit it off immediately,’ she said. Hendy regularly booked the call girl, often stayed the night at the man’s London flat while his wife was in the West  Country.

‘I stopped charging him by the hour and it developed into a proper relationship. I fell in love with him,’ she said. ‘He’d give me money but we never discussed it. It wasn’t about money.’  Of course dear! She also described her ‘heartbreak’ when the  alleged affair ended after Sir Peter went back on his agreement to be her  guarantor.

‘I decided to go public with this because I  felt it was unfair that he, who is so rich and  powerful thanks to his public sector job got away with it and moved on with his life.’ So it’s definitely not about the money then? Now I’m really confused…was Peter Hendy knighted for his services to Transport, or for his work promoting PAY-AS-YOU-GO VAGINAS?

MINISTRY OF DEFENCE SPENDS £40,000 TO FIND OUT THE TIME!

Ministry of Defence, Whitehall, London; viewed from the London Eye (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

The Ministry of Defence has RUNG UP an astonishing £40,000 bill for using the speaking clock, despite imposing a ‘ban’ on the service. Staff at the supposedly cash-strapped government department have made 130,000 calls to check the time during the past two-and-a-half years. Calls to the service, accessed by dialling  123, cost 30p a time.

Honestly, I don’t get it? Don’t all adults wear watches? Don’t mobile phones and computers display the time for free? How could the £40,000 have been better spent? On paperclips perhaps?

The MoD said part of the bill related to a technical fault that meant a phone repeatedly dialled 123, but no effort was made to negotiate a reduction in the bill. Yeah, and I believe in fairies!

Log on to an Eclectic Humorous Blog

Humour is often a very subjective topic, with comedians often being able to delight and offend with the very same material.

On occasions comedy can walk a thin line and it is this risk that can often push a routine or a joke to such a level that it is repeated across the country and online. However not all comedy needs to push at the boundaries of good taste to be funny, some of the greatest laughs experienced in this country have been aimed at a family audience.

Humour is always evolving and new talent is constantly emerging and there are plenty of ways to keep in contact and to scout these new acts. Comedy clubs and festivals are fun nights out and a great way to see lots of new performers at the coal face. This is where new acts really learn to hone their material and performing style; it can also be an unforgiving arena and be prepared to witness the “death” of a set or two.

Another great way of developing your interest in comedy is to make use of the various social media that comedians use to keep fans informed, generate publicity and often to give an irreverent view on the day’s news. www.shootthescribe.wordpress.com is one such blog that provides an eclectic range of humour based chat.

CALIFORNIA DRIBBLING!

English: View of the San Fernando Valley from southwestern edge in the Santa Monica Mountains above Woodland Hills, Los Angeles. The San Gabriel Mountains are in the distant background. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

The adult film industry in San Fernando Valley in California announced a moratorium on the making of porn films Wednesday after an actress new to the porn industry tested positive for HIV. The actor’s sex partners are currently being tested by doctors with Adult Production Health and Safety Services, which works with the porn industry. It is said the moratorium will be lifted once the risk of transmission has been eliminated.

The industry briefly put a similar moratorium in place last year after nearly a dozen performers were infected during a syphilis outbreak. In 2012 a local ordinance was passed requiring all adult film performers to use condoms. Many do not comply. Industry reps, who claim its audience don’t want to see condoms, have been fighting the Los Angeles County measure in court, but to no avail. U.S. District Judge Dean Pregerson denied the motion by the adult film industry to stop the imposition of condoms being worn during filming. Pregerson said that data from the Los Angeles County Department of Public Health provided evidence that wearing condoms was a matter of health and did not violate the First Amendment. The data found that since 2004, the health department received reports of 2,396 cases of chlamydia, 1,389 cases of gonorrhea,  and in addition, five syphilis cases among adult film performers.

I have to say, this latest moratorium couldn’t have come at a worse time. I had seven auditions booked, and I can’t get a refund on my airline ticket! I’ve always had the ability to get women to do whatever I want them to, but this usually only lasts until the hypnosis wears off. At the moment, that £4000 capital expenditure I made on a penis extension appears to have been a thorough waste of money! My accountant tells me I can write the cost off against tax, but only when I’m gainfully employed in the porn industry.

UPDATED: 04/09/13.

A porn star Rod Daily, 32, has announced that he has contracted HIV, making him the second such adult film actor to contract the disease in less than two weeks. Meanwhile, Florida could soon force cocks undercover by insisting all porn performers to wear condoms. Some ‘cock’ management, huh?

UNDER THE LASH!

Under the Lash (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

A 15-year-old girl who was sentenced by a MALDIVES court to 100 lashes for premarital sex, has her punishment quashed by the High Court, which rules she was wrongly convicted. The girl was charged after she told police she was raped by her stepfather and had consensual sex with a second man.

Unbelievable! What she nearly got for free I have to pay for when visiting a Soho dungeon!

A WOMAN SCORNED!

Armed Predator drone firing Hellfire missile (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Forever Scorned (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Ex-girlfriend Julie turned on me to an extent you would not believe. I never promised her marriage or children, nonetheless, she cut up my clothes, trashed my flat, destroyed my sound system and computer, damaged my car, put chilly powder in my unused condoms, and even threatened to put an axe in my head. I went to the police but there was little that they could do bar warning the woman off. Unfortunately that didn’t work. Needless to say, my career suffered, as did my health.

It is true, it IS always darkest before the dawn! In fact it was just after dawn broke that I met up with old school chum Mat, to whom I poured my heart out. Having just survived a messy break-up himself, he understood my predicament only too well. A computer genius, he worked as a civilian contractor at NATO headquarters in Northwood, Middlesex.

‘David,’ Mat said, ‘I believe I’m in a position to help you, but it will cost you!’

‘Mat,’ I replied, ‘money is no object where the banishment of EVIL is concerned.’

‘Well all I need is a description of your nemesis together with her full postal address.’ This I happily gave him. ‘But Mat, what are you going to do?’

‘Precisely what I did to MY ex…re-programme an ARMED, unmanned Raptor drone to bomb the f**k out of Witchy Poo!’

‘Really? How fantastic! But Mat…this Raptor, what’s it going to fire?’

‘A HELLFIRE missile.’

‘Err just the one?’ Do you know what, the man was as good as his word.

THE HOLY SEE and the ‘VATICAN SHIRTLIFTERS!

Pope Benedict XVI’s decision to resign was reportedly influenced not solely by the fraudulent misuse of Vatican funds, but by the discovery of a gay “network” in the Vatican, leaving some clergymen susceptible to blackmail. The claims were made in Italy’s La Repubblica newspaper, which says the network was described in a 300 page report presented to the Pope by three cardinals assigned to investigate the “Vatileaks” scandal of 2012. Scandalous revelations involving the Vatican and gay sex have been published by La Repubblica before. In 2010, the newspaper revealed wiretaps and police documents that showed a Vatican chorister and an elite papal usher had been involved with a gay prostitutes ring.

The Pope shocked the world with his resignation announcement, which makes him the first to abdicate in 600 years. The 85-year-old said he was “no longer suited” to the challenges his role demanded. The Vatican later confirmed that pontiff has a pacemaker and had to have surgery to replace the batteries three months ago. However they said this was not a factor in his resignation.

According to a Catholic news agency ‘Zenit’, we are to believe it was DIVINE intervention that led Joseph Ratzinger, aka Pope Benedict XVI to quit, with GOD telling him to stand aside. Now would that have been in Latin, Italian or German? And was this divine intervention in letter form, or by email?

WHERE TO BURY THE REMAINS OF RICHARD III?

English: Stone at the supposed point of death of King Richard III at the Battle of Bosworth in 1485. Plaque reads “Richard the last Plantaganet King of England was slain here 22nd August 1485” (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Richard Plantagenet, aka Richard, Duke of York, aka King Richard III.

A group of relatives of King Richard III, whose body was recently unearthed in a Leicester City council owned municipal car park, have won the right to bring High Court proceedings in order to challenge a plan to rebury Ricky’s mortal remains in Leicester. Many of his relatives want the body re-interred in York, claiming it was the King’s wish. The judge gave permission to members of the PLANTAGENET ALLIANCE to bring judicial review proceedings against the Justice Secretary and the University of Leicester.

Richard III was killed at the battle of Bosworth in 1485 and was hurriedly buried in the church of the Greyfriars in Leicester, later to become a car park.

Archaeologists from the University of Leicester want the king’s bones to rest in Leicester Cathedral. However, Richard’s living relatives, of whom there are many, want their ancestor put to rest at York Minster as the king grew up at Middleham Castle in the Yorkshire Dales and visited York several times during his 26-month reign.

An emotive subject, which is surprising in the multi-cultural times we live in, a total of 26,553 people have signed a petition that the remains should be re-interred at York Minster and 8,115 people  have signed a petition that they should be re-interred at Leicester. Oh dear me…are we going to see the ‘War of the Roses’ partie deux?

The University of Leicester announced that DNA results confirmed the remains were those of Richard III in February 4 this year, thanks to a match with the very late king’s living relative Michael Ibsen. Strewth, there are at least a million relatives of Richard III alive today. Mind you, without the benefit of television, other than eating, warring and f**king, what else did those aristos have to do? Lucky bastards!

The Battle of Bosworth Field was fought on  the morning of August 22, 1485, and marked the end of the War Of The Roses, the 30-year civil war between the houses of York and  Lancaster.

One of the most important clashes in English  history, for after many years of passing the English throne around, it saw the death of Richard III, ushered in the Tudor dynasty and gave Shakespeare one of his best known quotations: “A minicab, a minicab, my kingdom for a minicab!”

The battle marked the final confrontation between the Yorkist king Richard III and his challenger Henry Tudor, Earl of  Richmond and leader of the House of Lancaster. Finally there was stability in the kingdom.

Due in part to William Shakespeare, Richard III has received no end of bad press over the centuries. He is seen as a mean, conniving, humourless, humpy-back bastard who allegedly had the two princes executed in the Tower of London. The Princes in the Tower were Edward V of England and Richard of Shrewsbury, Duke of York. The two brothers were the only sons of Edward IV of England and Elizabeth Woodville. Then 12 and 9 years old, they were lodged in the Tower of London by the man appointed to look after them, their uncle, the Lord Protector: Richard, Duke of Gloucester. This was supposed to be in preparation for Edward’s coronation as king. However, Richard took the throne for himself and the boys disappeared.

Since no present day spin doctor has thus far stepped forward to paint Richard III in a better light, it may be fitting to re-inter his bones under a York CAR PARK!

GERMAN CHANCELLOR ANGELA MERKEL CAN DO NO RIGHT!

Angela Merkel, the Chancellor of Germany (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Angela Merkel has been heavily criticised over a visit to the former Nazi concentration camp at DACHAU during an election campaign. In her weekly podcast ahead of the trip, she said, “I know that this will not be an easy visit.” Perhaps that’s because she left it too long before going there? It certainly can’t be to garner the German Jewish vote…I believe there are only 8000 Jews living in Germany. Perhaps the visit is intended to persuade fellow Germans that she has a heart?

OPEN WIDE…NO, NOT ‘THAT’ WIDE!

Ormskirk Parish Church (St. Peter & St. Paul), in Ormskirk, Lancashire, England. It is one of only three parish churches in the whole of England to have both a tower and a spire, and unique in having both at the same end of the building. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

25-year-old ‘social media manager’ Nicola Peate from Ormskirk, Lancashire was left in agonising pain after dislocating her jaw in a bid to eat a giant burger at restaurant ‘Almost Famous,’ on Parr Street, Liverpool. Her jaw locked while she was attempting to get her teeth around a giant “triple-patty” burger.

“It felt like I had cramp in my tongue, then I started to get an ear ache and a headache. The next morning I woke up and felt really, really ill. The whole side of my head was hurting. Then it started to feel like it was in my jaw and I knew I’d dislocated it.”

An x-ray in the Emergency Department at the Royal Liverpool University Hospital confirmed her fears and a doctor quickly manipulated her jaw back into place using his thumbs. Miss Peate has Ehlers-Danlos syndrome (EDS), which means she has hyper-flexible joints that are unstable and therefore prone to dislocation.

My dear Nicola, clearly you are an AMATEUR glutton. Learn to walk before you can run! Since you suffer from EDS, I don’t suggest you enter any eating contests. In attempting to consume an Almost Famous burger, it has actually made you famous. How about that?