MUMSNET SPIES!

The Secret Intelligent Service, commonly known as MI6, has once again advertised for intelligent officers on Mumsnet. Any applicant must have ‘strong intuition and emotional intelligence,’ and must be able to knit, bake and throw a knife at a moment’s notice, and rub (sea) salt into the wound of any foreign agent with the intention of extracting vital information relating to foreign delicacies’. Lactating mums are not barred from applying! One would have thought fertile ground for recruitment of mature, female spies would have been The Women’s Institute?

OVERCROWDED EARTH!

Planet Earth consists of 71% oceans and 29% dry land, of which 33% is for the most part, uninhabitable desert. Folks, try as I might, I just can’t get my head around the fact that just 300 years ago Earth’s population was a mere 700 million, yet today it is 7 billion plus! Everyone seems to be playing that popular game, ‘hide the salami’! Even watching television hasn’t slowed our reproductive rate! Okay, 200 years ago the death rate dramatically fell due in part to cleaner drinking water and improved medical care. Naturally this led to a higher birth rate. The Industrial Revolution that started over here in Britain and spread across the globe resulted in modern cities springing up all over the place, and mechanisation needed a huge labour force. A new affluence encouraged people to breed. Naturally one of the prerequisites of a sudden population explosion is the ‘land grab’. One excellent example of this was when, at the end of the US Civil War in 1865, migrants headed ‘West’, and with the connivance of the US Government and Army, grabbed all the land occupied by native American Indians. Forcing the Red Skin into submission had little to do with warfare but a lot to do with denying them their primary food source. In 1873 there were 60 million American Bison (Buffalo) roaming the plains. By 1890 there were barely a couple of thousand. The animals had all been shot for a bounty!

In the 20th century, penicillin was discovered and later, other antibiotics. To counter this population explosion, the death rate exploded again in World War One. The 1918 Spanish Flu that swept across Europe killed more people than the soldiers who died in WW1. Then the rematch, World War Two. What about the tens of millions that have died from poverty and slaughter in the African Continent, or the millions that died during the 50-year Cold War during which the old Soviet Union controlled much of Eastern Europe? Further, let us not ignore the influence of modern-day contraceptives!  Taking everything into consideration, I’m still at a loss to understand why there are 7.4 billion of us? I can only conclude 20th century antibiotics had a lot to do with saving tens of millions of lives that otherwise might not have been saved!? Bearing in mind the antibiotics we have come to rely upon for so long, no longer do the job expected of them, perhaps we will see a natural population decline over the next 100-years?

SOLDIER CAN’T GET BACK UP TO FIGHT!?!

Despite the Ministry of Defence describing Virtus as ‘one of the most advanced integrated body armour systems in the world’, British soldiers have complained the new body armour issued makes it much harder for them to get up if they fall to the ground. Furthermore, they’ve said it’s almost impossible to put the armour on in the dark! Thanks to MoD cutbacks, I am not at all surprised, half of the Virtus body armour system comprises of re-worked Tudor suits of armour borrowed from the Tower of London and aristocratic stately homes, whilst the rest of Virtus is constructed by Arbuthnot & Sons, manufacturers of tin cans to the food industry! My advice to front line, elite British soldiers is, go to the toilet before you squeeze into the armour! Boy, I’d love to see our rapid response force in action!

REFUSE COLLECTORS REFUSED TO EMPTY MY GREEN BIN!?!

The green bin is for garden waste, including twigs and tree branches, right? Imagine my surprised when the dustmen refused to empty my green bin because I’d placed an old wooden walking stick in it! How ridiculous is that, after all, doesn’t wood come from trees? What frightens me is, under proposed new Government bills that may become law, as mentioned in the Queen’s Speech, local councils will get even more powers to f**k us up, including, retaining business rates they collect, that up ’til now is handed over to Central Government. Interestingly, under the proposed Digital Economy Bill, every household acquires the legal right to fast broadband. Why legal right?

I’LL HAVE THE SOUP OF THE DAY!

After a lengthy clinical trial of 12 moderately to severely depressed people at Imperial College London, it is now believed magic mushrooms, or shrooms, may have a vital role to play in helping people overcome depression due to the naturally occurring, hallucinogenic chemical, psilocybin, that induces a ‘mystical and spiritual’ experience. Let’s hope one day, magic mushroom soup or pate will be on the menus of most restaurants! Meanwhile, ‘if you down to the woods today’, don’t forget to pay your local authority licence fee to pick the fleshy fungus!

FIRST PENIS TRANSPLANT!

A man has received the first penis transplant in Boston, USA, after having his own cancerous one removed. It is hoped the penis, from a deceased donor will eventually be fully functioning. This reminds me of an old black and white horror movie in which a concert pianist had a hand mangled in a road accident. A replacement hand was provided by a deceased donor too, and the pianist’s career was saved. Unfortunately, no one told the recipient the hand came from a mass murderer, who thereafter could not prevent himself from strangling people. Wouldn’t it be interesting if the donor penis too came from a mass murderer? The recipient of this organic extension might not prevent himself from bludgeoning victims to death. Folks, keep your eyes peeled for a newsworthy story concerning…‘death by cock’! Absurd? Is it not a well-known fact, a cock has a mind of its own? Let’s face it folks, one thing society definitely doesn’t need is another rogue cock masquerading as a general purpose utility item!

‘CARRY ON’ MOVIES TO MAKE A RETURN!?

Quintessentially English bawdy comedies, the Carry On series of movies are to make a regrettable comeback! ‘Carry On Doctors’ and ‘Carry On Campus’ are set to be released 25-years after the last, and unsuccessful movie ‘Carry On Columbus’. The early Carry On movies of the late 1950s and 1960s were far better than those made in the 197os. British audiences are now far more sophisticated than they once were. Farting jokes and sexual innuendos no longer carry the fascination they once did! How the hell will the writers get over the immense hurdle of accusations of sexism in our politically correct society? Any new screenplay will have to be bloody well written to stand any chance of commercial success/critical acclaim. Some things are best left in the past! Besides, without actors Sid James, Kenneth Williams and Kenneth Connor, really, what is the point of filming another Carry On?

TERRORISM= ‘ROCK-PAPER-SCISSORS’.

According to MI5, there is a genuine threat of a UK mainland bombing campaign by the Real IRA! It got me to thinking, if the Real IRA picked the same target as say an ISIS terror cell, both groups turning up at the same time, on the same day, would they play best of three ‘rock-paper-scissors’ in order to determine who places bombs, and where? If we’re very lucky, each group will blow one another up!

‘HAVE A BREAK, HAVE A BREXIT!’

British ‘blond bombshell’, Boris Johnson, MP, recently faced anger and ridicule after he compared European Union efforts to construct a ‘superstate’ with Adolph Hitler’s attempt to conquer the European continent! Err, excuse me, but the EEC/EU has always been led by Germany. Now Angela Merkel wishes to have a permanent EU armed force, drawn from member nations resources. Could this be the formation of a Forth Reich through the back door? After all, if the EU is ever to be considered a real superstate, it must have its own army, otherwise why bother having an EU foreign secretary? If history has shown us anything, it is, do not allow Germany to be in charge of a large army! Once a German led EU depletes British armed forces…battleships, subs, fighter jets…we will no longer be in a position to defend ourselves!

WOMEN HAVE RIGHTS, BUT NOT EQUAL RIGHTS!

And that’s mainly down to sexism! British Home Secretary, Teresa May states, one of the reasons she is against ‘Brexit’, is because she fears for women’s rights in the UK, equality in the workplace being the very thing the EU has a long history of championing. Ever since Emmeline Pankhurst and friends of the British Suffragette Movement fought for the right to vote for women, various international women’s movements have struggled to gain equal rights under the law. Currently, British women enjoy many rights, but not necessarily equal rights with men. Only this week, I read about temp/receptionist Nicola Thorp who was sent home by accountancy giant PwC for wearing flat shoes instead of the required high heels! This dress code is only enforced because men like to see a well-defined female calf in order to feel good about themselves. After a great deal of adverse publicity, PwC has since changed its mind! As far as Teresa May’s comment is concerned, relating to European Commissioners and MEPs fighting for equal rights in the workplace for everyone, I would like to know whether this ‘equality’ is extended to the tens of thousands of men, women and children who are trafficked across the EU and forced into slavery and the sex industry, thanks to open borders and the ease of travel across the EU? So while you and I are travelling to work or play by train or car, wondering whether to upgrade to the latest iPhone, behind a door perhaps just a few yards away, are women and children being dehumanized because their human rights have been denied them! And what’s going through their minds? Perhaps it is…‘life is shit, and definitely not worth living’.

‘BAKSHEESH’ MAKES THE WORLD GO ROUND!

Baksheesh does indeed make the world go round in certain parts of the world…The Middle East, Africa and parts of Asia. It’s part of their culture, so I don’t understand the voicing of American sour grapes whenever they lose out on an arms deal or building contract. Greasing a palm is normal behaviour. Everyone does it, and I don’t even think it is wrong. Life isn’t perfect. The lowest tender for the best product doesn’t always win. In the West not so much money changes hands, but there is still a form of baksheesh…it is called political favour!

There is an alternative point of view, and it is this! It remains illegal for you and I to bribe someone in order to obtain a contract from a public body or government…but it is okay for governments to make bribes, and many of them are considerable. For instance, the British Government sends £12BILLION a year in aid to Third World countries. What can my government hope to receive in return? Perhaps favourable conditions under which a British oil company can explore for oil in Nigeria, or a British engineering firm can secure a contract to build a hospital in India? Isn’t that BAKSHEESH? Hell, how do you think the Thatcher Government back in the 1980s secured a £43billion arms sale with Saudi Arabia, at the time, the biggest arms deal in history!

I therefore find it altogether fascinating, that this week, Premier David Cameron is hosting an anti-corruption summit in London, when Britain continues to trade with Pakistan and India, two of the most openly corrupt countries in the world. Without baksheesh, nothing would ever be achieved, because no one does anything for nothing!

‘ANUS’ HORRIBILIS (2)

Acid-tongued, 40-something blogger, Katie Hopkins, a woman who has made a career out of insulting everyone, has threatened to streak through central London with a halal sausage in her ass as a protest at Sadiq Khan becoming the new London mayor. It is a well-known fact, processed meat can give you bowel cancer. Hopkins, having already survived one cancer scare, should be careful what she wishes for!

MAN ARRESTED OVER DOG’S ‘NAZI SALUTE’!

 

A 28-year-old North Lanarkshire man has been arrested and faces hate crime charges for allegedly posting a video that shows a dog watching footage of Hitler while performing a Nazi salute. Never mind the fact the dog is facing an ‘intervention’ and a stay in a rehab centre, I can’t get my dog to perform any tricks! I had once thought my pooch too was performing a Nazi salute, however it turned out the little bitch was only pointing at the food cupboard! It would appear, only members of the royal household and the aristocracy can get away with Nazi salutes!

DON’T SHAKE MY HAND…YOU COULD BE INFECTIOUS!

A controversial UCLA report has called for doctors and other health care workers to cease and desist from shaking patients hands because hands can become contaminated with pathogens from their patients. Cross-contamination is a real headache, and not just in surgeries and hospitals. Have you ever paid a fortune for a 5* cruise only to succumb to a norovirus? No wonder the Queen of England will only ‘meet & greet’ with gloves! So it’s not ‘gloves off’, but gloves on! So no more shaking hands, or high-fives. What about fist-pumping or knuckle touching? Hey, how about public twerking in order to initiate ‘first contact’? I’m up for that, how about you?

According to the US Centres for Disease Control (CDC), about 252 of the 919 cruise passengers on board the Fred Olsen owned Balmoral have fallen ill since leaving the UK on 26th April. I’ve always fancied a Med cruise, but having read about all that chronic projectile vomiting and diarrhoea, I think I’ll leave my money in the bank! Really, what’s the point in spending three grand on a luxury cruise when passengers are warned not to touch the bannisters, or each other? So there’s no chance of safe sex on the high seas then? Even cruise ship captains no longer shake hands with passengers. Perhaps if the cruise ship owners paid kitchen ‘rats’ living wages and instructed them in hygiene, I might one day venture onto the high seas…in a wet suit!  Perhaps it’s time to swap shuffleboard and Zumba classes for competitive projectile vomiting? The winner to get a seat at the captain’s table!

 

LONDON FORMULA ONE GRAND PRIX!?

My spies tell me there are still plans afoot to host a Formula One Grand Prix through the streets of central London! A detailed 3.2 mile circuit is believed to have been drawn up by Formula One supremo Bernie Eccles cake…Ecclestone. The race would start on The Mall and race past Buckingham Palace and through Parliament Square. Experts predict a Monaco-style event through the capital could be worth well over £100million in ticket revenue and endorsements but would currently require an Act of Parliament to suspend 30mph speed limits along the length of the route. As yet however no sponsor has signed on the dotted line!

Nah, it would never work! First of all every time a racing car pulled into a pit lane for fuel or tyres, likely as not the driver’s visor would be slapped with a £120 fine for illegal parking! Secondly there are so many coffee shops, patisseries and boulangeries pumping out the smell of bread baking in central London, most of the F1 drivers would be jumping out of their cars in order to buy an almond Danish and a cappuccino. Hell, most of the cars would never get out of second gear! Thirdly, some of the cars would never cross the finish line…the drivers having been carjacked by unfriendly locals bussed in from the suburbs. What about Green Party activists demonstrating against noise and pollution, and women demonstrating against VAT on tampons? The London Formula One race would have to be stopped and started so many times, most viewers would switch off their television sets. Anyway, someone would have to break the news to Prince Phillip that he can’t compete against the racing cars in a horse-drawn carriage!