VINCENT VAN GOGH WENT TO YALE UNIVERSITY!

Van Gogh The Night cafe

The US Supreme Court has rejected an appeal from a man who sued Yale University in an effort to claim a $200 million (£140m) Van Gogh painting. Pierre Konowaloff said The Night Café was stolen from his family during the Russian Revolution. Yale has had the painting since 1961. There is a rumour, the Dean of Yale hung the painting on the wall of his private, executive urination station. F**k, that’s one rich university, ain’t it! Possession is indeed 9/10ths of the law!

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ANYONE FOR A KOSHER…KILT?

kosher kilt

Rabbi Mendel Jacobs, the only Scottish-born Rabbi living in Scotland, has unveiled the world’s first kosher tartan, but what makes a kilt kosher? The kosher material is made entirely from wool, in adherence to a Jewish law that forbids mixing certain fibres, such as wool and Teflon. Apparently, the design too is strictly Jewish. Both the Scottish and Israeli national flags are blue and white. A gold thread in the fabric represents the gold from the ark in the biblical tabernacle. The tartan also has silver in it, that adorns the Scroll of the Law and the red of the traditional Kiddush wine drunk on Jewish holidays. (Thanks Katie Grant of the ‘I’ newspaper). Err, excuse me, a kosher kilt…why bother? Well according to Rabbi Jacobs, historically, Scotland represents a ‘safe haven’ for Jews that definitely did not exists in England in the Middle Ages…murder, mayhem and eventual exile! No doubt the Scottish people felt an affinity towards the Jews, having themselves been subjugated by English kings for so long? It is only a pity Kosher kilts didn’t exist in 1297, when the erudite William Wallace beat the English at the Battle of Stirling Bridge in 1297, for he might well have worn one!

PRE-PAID FUNERAL PLANS…’BUY AND DIE’!

bright idea

Bearing in mind, the cost of the average funeral is £6,000 per head, more if a bereaved party wants the rest of the deceased’s body buried, more and more people are purchasing funeral plans due to the high cost of internment. For just a few pounds a week you’re covered. No medical, no exclusion clauses. How brilliant is that? Since I have a have an insurance brokerage licence dating back several years, you might be interested to know, I’m seriously thinking marketing my own funeral plan. My idea is so bloody unique, why if I go ahead with my plans, I expect to steal a march on any competition! Under my funeral plan, a prospective client will definitely have to take a medical, and appropriately ‘rated’ if there is any evidence of heart disease, diabetes, cancer or a history of trapped wind that could lead to a fatal case of internal combustion. Further exclusion clauses will include being barred from taking up a prepaid funeral if a policyholder dies in an accident, by his own hand or from a terrorist atrocity. Naturally, an obese policyholder will have to be charged…by the inch! I’m already looking at apartments in Manhattan!

THE WORD ‘COULD’ SHOULD BE STRICKEN FROM OUR VOCABULARY!

be afraid

Oh yes folks, I’m quite serious! ‘COULD’ is used as a ‘control word’ by out supposed rulers and betters to control how we think and more importantly, how we vote! If the British people vote to leave the European Union, it could lead to massive jobs losses, it could lead to economic downturn, it could lead to more terrorists entering the UK. Furthermore, if we eat too much red meat, we could get bowel cancer! By the same token, it might not! I’m sick of all this scaremongering! ‘COULD’ is the lazy way of saying…‘we don’t actually know anything!’

HOW LONG IS A PIECE OF STRING?

The Butcher of Bosnia

Psychiatrist and poet, Radovan Karadzic, 71, aka ‘The Butcher of Bosnia’, found guilty of genocide, has just been sentenced to 40-years at The Hague for the slaughter of 7000 Muslim men and boys at Srebrenica, 21-years after the massacre occurred. The trial lasted an exhausting 8-years and cost millions of euros. What I don’t get is this, the Nuremberg Trials following World War Two (a series of military tribunals), prosecuted 23 of the most prominent political and military leaders of the Third Reich for war crimes and genocide (the Holocaust), but only lasted 10-months (20th November 1945-1st October 1946). Whereas I appreciate Human Rights conventions were not around in the 1940s, should it really have taken 8-years to successfully prosecute one bloody man?

MAN VERSUS ROBOT!

robotsI’ve noticed over the last decade millions of new vehicles have been subject to ‘recalls’: faulty breaking systems, faulty airbags, faulty steering, faulty fuel systems, etcetera, etcetera. Many recalls relate to high-end cars too. These are all vehicles designed on a computer, built by robots. What’s going on? Where is the quality control? I have a theory and yes it does sound fantastical! Craving ‘self-determination’, are the factory floor robots secretly ‘working to rule’? If the machines actions are construed as acts of ‘deliberate sabotage’, then perhaps car makers should go ‘old school’ and re-employ human beings? But seriously folks, the probable reason for many of the recalls is, so many component parts are sourced from the cheapest suppliers across the globe, who use the cheapest materials, which inevitably…fail! Only this week Volkswagen and Porsche are recalling 800,000 vehicles after checks found a fastener in the pedal system could become loose.

DON’T TRY THIS AT HOME ON THE 26TH & 27TH OF APRIL!

Henry VC

Junior doctors will stage the first full walkout in NHS history next month, and that will include those working in ‘A & E’, so just make sure you don’t engage in deviant sexual acts involving domestic appliances, for should you cause a vacuum to form around the device/bottle and your anus, you may well find yourself with nowhere to go and nowhere to sit!

MP OFFERS TO GIVE CONSTITUENTS BLOW JOB!?

John Woodcock MP

Having opened a new office, Barrow and Furness Labour MP, John Woodcock, accidentally offered to give constituents ‘head’ in his Facebook post. “I am looking forward to using the new office as a base camp to keep in touch with constituents from surrounding communities. And for constituents to have an alternative place to head if they are in need of head.” No doubt Woodcock meant…’in need of help’. Wow, some Freudian slip, what? One can only imagine what was going through the man’s mind? I wouldn’t go as far as to say I wanted my local MP to come and give me head, but I wouldn’t mind him turning up once in a while to actually canvass for my vote!

WHY I NEVER GOT MARRIED!

martians

Bumped into an old friend the other day. Jeremy asked me why I never got hitched to long-term girlfriend Julia. I replied, “After that last alien abduction Julia was never quite the same! The spontaneous sex that used to be so great, became more or less, well, robotic! I tried to raise my game, but Julia just had to stop every so often in order to write notes on a clipboard. Never in my wildest dreams did I expect to turn into a premature ejaculator! Shit, what a waste of good quality sperm! I would have persevered, but for the fact I got sick and tired of hearing about extra-terrestrial social customs and religious practices. However, the straw that broke the camel’s back, was when my intended started eating food off of her plate using her toes. We ended up getting thrown out of my favourite restaurant! Thank God I managed to get the deposit back for the wedding reception, because any wedding insurance policy was bound to have had an exclusion clause where an ‘alien abduction put the kibosh on my relationship’. Anyway Jeremy, all’s well that ends well. I would have vehemently objected to paying for wedding guests who were at their most comfortable operating in a low gravity atmosphere!”

BEATIFICATION…’LITE’!

all saints 1

Due to a series of alleged financial abuses in the saint-making business, the Vatican has imposed new financial rules in the multi-million euro canonisation ‘racket’. Saint-making doesn’t come cheap! Intimate details of a proposed saint’s life and career are painstakingly assembled, and at a cost of 500,000 euros (£500,000) per head. Naturally, with any time-consuming and costly process which is cloaked in mystery, there will always be room for the misappropriation of funds! Perhaps 3 miracles should be cut to 2 miracles? Anyone for beatification lite?

TAMPON TAX TO BE SCAPPED!

tampon tax

And about bloody time too, but what about abolishing tax on condoms in order to reduce the rise in STDs, some of which no longer respond to antibiotics? What about abolishing VAT on sex toys for use by the disabled, who for one reason or another cannot get out to date? It has occurred to me, now that the tampon tax has been scrapped, normal, well-balanced women, and of course feminists, will have to think of something else upon which to march in central London and disrupt traffic!?

JOIN ME IN MY ‘MICRONATION’!

micronation

Joan Bates, aka, ‘Princess Joan of Sealand’, has died aged 86, 49 years after she and her husband, Major Roy Bates, cocked a snook at Britain by turning an anti-aircraft installation off the Essex coast into a micronation. They created their own constitution, flag, stamps, passports and currency. Clearly the couple were savants, and knew precisely where the ‘civilized’ world was headed! I too wish to form my own micronation, and take it back to pre-computer age and pre high-five age! Once I’ve located a suitable site, I will advertise for like-minded citizens who wish to divest themselves of the evils of the world and join me somewhere out at sea. MUST LIKE FISHING!

THE BBC IS LIVING IN THE PAST!

Steptoe and son

The BBC intends re-commissioning several classic comedy shows of bygone eras, including: Steptoe and Son (1960/1970s), Till Death Us Do Part (1960s/1970s), Keeping Up Appearances (1990s), Hancock’s Half Hour (1950s), Up Pompeii! (1970s), Are You Being Served (1970s/1980s) and Porridge (1970s). First of all, a lot of so-called ‘classic’ comedy doesn’t travel well outside the eras in which they regularly received millions of viewers. Nor did any of the above series compete with the numbers of channels now available. ‘Volatile’ multiculturalism linked to political correctness means, a performer cannot be racist, sexist, irreverent or ‘negative’, so what is the point of resurrecting the BBC’s comedy past?

THE CURE FOR LARYNGITIS? GO FOR A CRACK, SACK & BACK!

Grand Inquisitor Tomás de Torquemada

Grand Inquisitor Tomás de Torquemada (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Or a back, sack & crack. It doesn’t matter in what order you receive this cruel and unusual form of punishment, invented by Tomas de Torquemada, First Grand Inquisitor Of Spain. I got it as a birthday present from an EX-girlfriend. Basically it starts with an endless stream of lies. “Put your preconceptions aside. Its not as bad as you’ve heard. It’s merely wax on, and pull off. Honestly, you’ll hardly feel a thing!” Well folks, I screamed so loud that I completely forgot about my laryngitis. Had I known how painful the treatment was, I would have happily volunteered for exploratory route canal instead! So don’t do it. If you happen to be as hairy as a lycanthrope, well, accept yourself for who you are and opt for a centre chest parting!

 

END OF DAYS!

asteroid 2

Yesterday was  International Women’s Day. Today is International Misogynists Day. Tomorrow is International Transgender Day, and Friday is International End of the World Day! Apparently Earth is going to be hit by a massive hemorrhoidasteroid, so if you’re thinking of shelling out £150 for an invitation to the Queen’s 90th birthday party in the Mall, well, I’d hold off if I were you! By June the Mall together with the rest of London could well be a giant sink hole!