ANOTHER BRICK IN THE WALL!

bricks

‘Hurry, hurry,’ build affordable new housing for first-time buyers! The Government is saying it, the mayor for London is saying it, councils are saying it, the people are saying it! Never mind the high cost to developers buying land in the south-east and elsewhere, the problem is…there ain’t enough BRICKS! Currently there is a shortage of 1.4 BILLION bricks, enough to build 240,000 new homes!  It takes 9,000 bricks to build an average size, 3-bed house. Surely the answer is, only use 8,999!?

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NURSE, CAN YOU HELP ME?

NHS

I was searching online for cheap flights to Dublin. It turned out there wasn’t that much difference in price between Aer Cunnilingus, Aer Linctus and Aer Fungus. I saved myself £15:00 by booking with Ryanair. Hey, it was only a short flight so I didn’t mind flying in the upright position! Seats are for couch potatoes anyway! Closing the laptop, I turned and inexplicably fell on the kitchen floor, dislocating my left shoulder. Despite being in excruciating pain I managed to get myself to ‘A & E’.

‘Oh don’t be such a baby,’ one of the nurses said after I complained I’d been there for two hours and had yet to be seen. A further three hours passed, and still no relief. ‘Oh for God sake, give me something for the pain!’ Apparently I couldn’t get pain relief until a doctor had assessed my injury. Another hour passed. ‘I’m begging you,’ I said. ‘Do something about the pain, otherwise I’ll have to slam my shoulder against a wall!‘ The reply? ‘Oh you mustn’t do that. There are ‘health & safety’ considerations. The mortar is weak. If you expose the brickwork, we’ll have to clear A & E, but I might be able to do something about the pain.’ So relieved, I expressed gratitude. The nurse duly shot me in the leg with a cross-bow bolt. ‘Huh,’ she said, ‘I bet you can’t feel your shoulder now?’ 

THE ‘DOGGING’ OLYMPICS!

 

no sex here

After exhaustive research, according to new data released under the Freedom of Information act, leafy Elmbridge in Surrey, home to exclusive commuter villages like Claygate, Esher, Oxshott, Weybridge and Cobham, is the dogging capital of the UK. Famous residents include footballer Peter Crouch, Rolling Stone Ronnie Wood and tennis player Andy Murray, none of who dog. One can only presume there is something in the Surrey air that encourages people to engage in open-air acts of a sexual nature?

According to the Daily Mail, the special mobile Surrey Police Dogging Patrol have identified at least 10 areas, from car-parks to secluded woodland nooks, where strangers watch each other have sex, in contrast to much maligned Norfolk that has just six dogging areas. Many complaints have been lodged, many by women walking their dogs alone and from parents who don’t want to take their children anywhere near that kind of environment. Never mind, for once Emlbridge woodland and heathland is bulldozed to make way for essential cheap housing, dogging will no doubt be confined to the dustbin…areas!

Let us not forget, dogging is not illegal, but only a criminal offence if it causes ‘alarm or distress’ to others. My advice for what its worth is, if you happen across a couple performing lewd acts of a sexual nature in public, shut your eyes! Alternatively you could always video the act and later upload it onto YouTube! Personally I’ve never had a yen to dog, preferring to conduct my acts of sexual depravity in the comfort and privacy of my private abode. In other words, I don’t much fancy a squirrel mistaking my nuts for its nuts! Furthermore it is worth noting, unlike ‘traditional’ athletes, currently there is no state sponsorship for amateur doggers. However this might change if an application is ever submitted to the IOC (International Olympic Committee) to include dogging in the 2020 Tokyo Summer Olympics!

I WENT TO MY DOCTOR THE OTHER DAY…

I Need a Doctor

I Need a Doctor (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

complaining of severe cramp in my right foot. ‘When does this occur?’ my doctor asked.

I replied, ‘Whenever I get up to go to work.’

‘In that case,’ my doctor said, ‘have you thought about giving work up?’ I’ve never been one to reject sound medical advice, nor have I been one to seek a second opinion.

CHLAMYDIA VILLAS!

chlamydia

I happened to stick my head in the TV room while my girlfriend was watching ‘EastEnders‘, a soap I’ve banned myself from ever watching. Yet even a snob like me can learn something from that hideous show. In the bit I caught, one character had given another character chlamydia, which apparently is a sexually transferable disease!? Who would have known, not I! I had always assumed Chlamydia was a popular holiday destination on the Coast Del Sol?!

‘NAKED ATTRACTION’ REACHES NEW LOW!

naked attraction

Channel 4 (UK) has just launched its new series, ‘Naked Attraction’. In it, adults find a date by choosing from four completely naked men and women by assessing individual’s physical ‘attributes’. Nothing is hidden! Well, as a ‘lay’ sociologist I simply had to watch the first episode. It goes without saying, I won’t be watching the show again! Oh how banal!  It really does go to show how far contestants will go in order to get on television! After all, if all one was after was a date, one can easily get one of those on the internet!  Channel 4 is a public-service TV channel, controlled by the Department for ‘Culture’, Media and Sport. Recently the Government put the channel up for sale. Presumably higher ratings will attract a higher price? Other than the obvious gripe about mediocrity, this type of titillating television highlights the extremes in society. We in the Christian dominated West can’t help but take all our clothes off, while Islam goes to great lengths to cover women up from head to foot! No doubt series two of Naked Attraction will have naked men and women judged on the quality of their on-air farts, or perhaps some production assistant will urge naked competitors to…shit in a bucket!