MY STRICTLY COME DANCING FANTASY!

strictly come dancing

If I has been a celebrity participant on the dance show, and had been knocked out in one of the dance offs, what would I have said when urged to extol the virtues of my professional dance partner in front of the live studio audience and the millions of viewers watching? “I wish I had been paired with a better teacher!”

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THE QUEEN OF ENGLAND GETS A PAY RISE!

Queen 5

Unfortunately Her Most Majestic Majesty, Queen Elizabeth the 2nd, is only going to get a £2.7 million pay rise in 2016-2017, taking her cut from the profits of the Crown Estates to a paltry £42.8 million per annum. Feeling the pinch (just like the rest of us), the Queen has no choice but to sack the royal toenail cutter! Suffering such dire financial straits, it comes as no surprise to me Her Majesty can no longer afford to centrally heat all of her 5 royal residences. Boo-hoo indeed! Thankfully, a caravan train full of shackled and emaciated, undocumented Eastern European peasants trafficked into the UK, will be thrown into castle hearths. Well at least this will provide extra jobs for those of us who wish to become royal chimney sweeps, right?

CLONE MY D**K!

cloning

Thus far, moral, religious, ethical and political barriers in the West have prevented cloning animals on a mass scale. Health concerns are paramount, and not just for the animals welfare, but for us, in eating them! Our peers cannot agreed whether creating an exact genetic copy is right or wrong. Just look at the furore GM crops produced! China on the other hand has no such qualms regarding cloning. The world’s biggest animal cloning factory is being built in the port of Tianjin, and at a cost of £20 million. Biotechnology firm Boyalife hope to produce one million cloned cattle a year, plus racehorses and dogs. Presumably its cattle and dogs for eating, racehorses for racing? Will suppressed immune systems and life expectancy be of a major concern? Only time will tell! Meanwhile, Britain’s Jockey Club will not allow a cloned horse to be raced or registered, yet the Federal Equestre Internationale does! No doubt, in due course, cloned beef will be smuggled into the EU only to find its way onto restaurant menus. Bon appetite! One can only imagine, in 50-years or so, humans will be cloned en masse too, but to what purpose? We are not exactly in short supply! For those of you who like a flutter on the horses, in future, a ‘six-horse-race’ may actually refer to horses with six legs!?

THE ‘JISM’ OF OZ!

Judy Garland dress

Judy Garland’s blue and white gingham dress from the Wizard Of Oz has just sold for £1,034,157 million to an as yet, unidentified phone bidder at the Bonhams sale in New York. Apparently, had the item of movie memorabilia not been dry cleaned prior to the auction, but was still adorned with Tin Man’s semen stains, Dorothy’s dress might have reached £2 million. Go figure?

‘A HEARSE, A HEARSE, MY KINGDOM FOR A HEARSE!’

 

terminator

Computer scientist, Professor Stuart Russell from University of California, Berkeley, has said: “Humans could be left utterly defenceless by flying robots that think for themselves and are designed to kill. The autonomous weapons systems (Laws) could be deployed within a decade.” Hold the phone Joan, who decided all robots must be aggressive? Why there is nothing to prevent re-programmable ‘terminators’ from enrolling in stage schools! I for one would pay big bucks to see shiny thespians popping their rivets on stage in say, Miss Saigon, Richard III, Evita, The Sound of Music, Of Mice and Men,West Side Story, Romeo & Juliet, The Producers, Death of a Salesman, La Cage aux Folles, Uncle Vanya, The Wizard of Oz and Sweeney Todd. Frankly it will be a blessed change from some of the wooden performances I’ve been forced to sit through! Furthermore, robot actors would be able to jam cell phone signals so the tosser sitting behind me can’t make a call or answer one!

Shakespeare reworked for a ‘new breed’ of actor!

“Friends, Romans, countrymen, lend me your Random Access Memory. I come here to bury Caesar in malware, not to praise him.” (Julia Caesar)

“To be or not to be sentient, that is the question.” (Macbeth)

BLACK FRIDAY IN LONDON!

black friday

Oh what a palava! I found myself in the West End, shopping. I had no idea it was Black Friday, yet another American import! Why if I had known I was headed into a retail battlefield, I would have worn a hard hat, a crotch protector and carried a sachet of blood clotting agent! Jeez, tens of thousands of hardened shoppers, already burdened by debt were out and about hunting down bargains. All of a sudden, elbows and knees became deadly weapons! This wasn’t retail therapy, this was war! I don’t suppose the prospect of a jihadi bomb entered anyone’s mind? Honestly, shopping was carnage, pure carnage! Compared to Black Friday in central London, the Pamplona bull run in Spain was a walk in the park! It is just as well extraterrestrials hadn’t chosen Friday the 27th November to make their presence known, for one glance at our behaviour and I think they might have shat themselves before returning to outer space! Black Friday is indeed a black day for social integration!

BABIES BORN AT WEEKENDS ‘MORE LIKELY TO DIE’!

NHS

They used to say, never buy a car manufactured on a Monday or on a Friday! It would now appear, the safest day to have a baby delivered in the NHS is on a Tuesday! It occurs to me, prospective parents are put in an impossible position! One can just about arrange what month you want a baby to be born in, but the day of the week too? Oh come on! Ejaculation and fertilisation can never be that precise! Two things you never want to hear from hospital staff are: ‘Thank God it’s Friday’, and ‘I’ve got the Monday morning blues!’

REGINALD KENNETH DWIGHT HATES WATER!

hippo 3

That ‘heavyweight’ talent, Sir Elton John, will headline the opening night of next summer’s five-day, ‘cultural’ Henley (on Thames) Festival. Let us hope the gentleman doesn’t actually fall into the River Thames, otherwise insurance claims for residential flood damage might go through the roof! Similar tidal surges have been known to cause the London flood barriers to be raised! Oh dear me, it would appear I’ve turned into a…troll!

CATHOLIC SHOOTING PARTY!

laser scope 1

While two whistle-blowing Italian journalists have gone on trial at the Vatican court for exposing alleged corruption and mismanagement at the Holy See, Pope Francis has arrived in Nairobi, the first leg on his African trip, in order to promote peace, love, tolerance and understanding! Once the blah, blah, blah, yada, yada, yada is all over, Pope Francis will change into papal fatigues, designed by that premier frock designer, Victor Vatikan, in order to embark on a shoot! Using a military-grade laser sight attached to a Swedish, Mauser M41B sniper’s rifle, Pope Francis hopes to kill lions, elephants, hippos and antelope. The trophy heads will replace the now degraded Aztec, Maya and Inca trophies in the Vatican trophy hall of fame dedicated to the Roman Catholic decimation of entire civilizations! Oh, dear me I think I’ve got a ‘semi’ coming on!

NO GOOD DEED GOES UNPUNISHED! (2)

pig

Sitting outside my local café enjoying a cigarette and a coffee this morning, I got up to open the door for a gentleman on crutches. Naturally, he thanked me. Half an hour later, the gentleman emerged from the café and sat at my table. “That was very kind of you to open the door for me,” he once again said. “No problem,” I repeated. “Tell me young man, would you be interested in saving the life of a princess who is locked in a tower within the walls of an impenetrable castle?” What could I say but, “That depends, is she HIV positive?” He said, “Not!” Then I asked him if he would load up my Oyster travel card. That was affirmative. Finally I enquired into the tower itself. “What, 125-feet! Fuck off!” Money was mentioned, and a lot of it! “Err, is this princess obese, pig ugly with her dark roots showing beneath her bottle-blond head of hair? Apparently she was all of that, and more. “My kind of woman,” I replied. “Count me in!” If one takes the trouble to look hard enough one can always find beauty in what others perceive as ugly! Haven’t we all encountered beauty that is only skin deep?

THE ‘LORD’S PRAYER’ IN CINEMAS!?

 

the Lord's PrayerThe Church of England went to great expense to commission a 60-second advert of the Lord’s Prayer spoken by ‘ordinary’ people, intending it to be shown as a Christmas message in cinemas across Britain next month, prior to the new ‘Star wars’ movie ‘The Force Awakens’. This advert has now been pulled by the Digital Cinema Media (DCM), which has a policy of not accepting adverts that promote a political or religious message. And quite right too! Allowing the Christian Lord’s Prayer to be shown to cinema audiences would have set a precedent to encourage other religions to embark on mass audience indoctrination! Leaders of the Church of England must be bloody mad!? The place for the Lord’s Prayer is in a temple of worship, not a cinema! Perhaps if the Church of England concentrated more on the true Christian programme (Jesus’s true Ministry) and less on making money, church congregations might not have dwindled so!

I’M OPENING A DANCE STUDIO!

rum baba

Enthused by ‘Strictly Come Dancing’, I’ve decided to open my own dance studio. So if you want to come along and learn how to dance, email me. At my studio you will learn: The pastadoble, the rum baba, the salsa verde, the Argentine mango and the peach Melba. Yes, that’s right, all my dances are food-based, so bring your own napkins!

HOW TO STOP FLOORBOARDS CREAKING!

creaking floorboards

Creaking floorboards in old houses can become annoying, particularly if they creak at night! You can sprinkle talcum powder between the floorboards to prevent them rubbing together. If of course you’ve run out of talc, you can always use tinned peach slices, by placing peach segments between the floorboards. If you haven’t any tinned peaches, try fresh leaks!? More DIY tips on the way!

THE RICH LIVE LONGER THAN THE POOR…BUT NOT FOR MUCH LONGER!

bacteria

Yeah well, that’s hardly a revelation, is it? Now according to the Office of National Statistics, men who live in the richest part of Kensington & Chelsea can expect almost 24.6 years more good health than their male counterparts in the most deprived parts of the London borough. Women, 21.2 years of good health! Really? I wasn’t aware there were any deprived parts of Kensington & Chelsea? Anyway, it is obvious to me, the rich have access to expensive, ‘branded’ drugs, prescribed by private doctors, drugs that are denied patients who expect free treatment in the National Health Service. So if you want expensive anti-cancer drugs that extend your life, expect to pay through the nose for them…£100-£200 per day…and a nasal catheter may well be the method of introduction! If money is tight, well you can expect some generic shit that may or may not do you any good!

Of course rich or poor, fighting over life-extending drugs may soon become a moot point, for at the end of the day…10-years max…we may all face an ‘antibiotic apocalypse’ following the recent discovery of bacteria that is resistant to all ‘last-resort’ antibiotics, thanks to their over-use.  But in practical terms, what does this to you and I? Untreatable, common infections that are lethal, such as influenza! Why even surgery for an appendectomy will become impossible! Scientific endeavours to produce new strains of bacteria-fighting antibiotics were started too late. Costly to develop, drug companies dragged their heels. So rich or poor, we may all find ourselves pushing up daisies in the same graveyard. Have a nice day, because it might be your last!

CHRISTMAS CHEER? I THINK NOT!

keep calm and duck

Thanks to Western ‘blind’ interference in Islamic countries that are steeped in religious intolerance and tribalism, an interference that has given rise to that global phenomenon, Islamic extremism, other than to the shed at the bottom of the garden, there are now few places safe to travel to. This year, Christmas in Christendom is going to be a bitch! So if you happen to be out and about in your capital city and spot a quadcopter/drone flying above your head, clutching a package…find some cover, because it could be a bomb!

Meanwhile, some families, seduced by low-cost holiday packages still intend travelling close to ‘hot spots’. Although I don’t subscribe to cowering at the bottom of one’s garden, it still surprises me the number of people who are prepared to put their lives and liberty in jeopardy for the sake of a bargain! Alert to sun worshippers! Don’t forget your sunscreen, oh, and your blood clotting agent!