‘BOB-A-BLOW-JOB’ WEEK!

The Scouts ‘bob-a-job’ week has returned after an absence of 20-years. Minors, volunteering to do errands and chores ended in 1992 over health & safety fears and child protection legislation. Oh, a ‘bob’ was slang for the old ‘shilling’ (5-pence), and was offered to scouts/cub scouts in return for errands such as doing one’s shopping, and chores such as weeding, painting garden fences, washing cars, digging flower beds, etcetera. Now that bob-a-job week has returned, teams of boys and girls will be strictly supervised.

Confession time I think! I was solely responsible for the 20-year hiatus in children volunteering to do chores. Now before you chastise me too harshly, do please bear in mind, 20-years ago I suffered from dyslexia, and thus as a member of The 2nd Hampstead Beaver Scout Colony and Cub Scout Pack…misread my instructions when knocking on strangers doors! Neighbour Mrs Alison Jannay, 47, had the reputation for showing strangers hospitality, if you know what I mean? So when I mentioned it was ‘bob-a-blow-job week Aunty Alison showed no hesitation in offering to milk my gonads, an act of kindness for which she received a 3-year custodial sentence. Me? I was forced to hand in my cub scout uniform! Still, I left the colony with my head held high and a bloody great smile on my face! Oh, the 5-shillings I received I donated to the charity Save the Children, but obviously it was too late to save them all from Aunty Alison!

Looking back on my bob-a-blow-job chore, I recall being questioned under oath at Wood Green Crown Court. “What did you think,” the prosecuting counsel asked, “when you found yourself in the accused bedroom with your trousers and underpants around your ankles?” I remember replying, “I thought joining the cub scouts was a super way of meeting new friends!” Three days after Mrs Jannay’s conviction for blowing me, the UK Scout Association cancelled all future ‘bob-a-job’ weeks, thus proving one man, or in this instance, one boy, can make a difference!

‘INHUMAN’ RIGHTS ACT FOR VAMPIRES!?!

While electioneering Conservatives are promising to amend the Human Rights Act 1998 in order to deny foreign rapists and murderers the Act’s protection from deportation, I’ve decided to start an online petition to garner support for the growing number of real life vampires following the success of True Blood TV series and The Twilight Saga series of movies. I intend lobbying both Westminster and Brussels to pass the Inhuman Rights Act which would effectively give vampires the legal protection to hunt after the hours of darkness and to drink the blood of their victims, without concerns surrounding criminal liability. And by the way, it is purely coincidental that the administrative wing of The League of Extraordinary Vampires happen to be headquartered in a flat in the same Dolphin Square apartment block, Pimlico, where political, debauched parties were held at which rent boys and children were in attendance! A mere ‘address’ should not prejudice the case for the Inhuman Rights Act! And further more, if Vampirism is indeed a mental illness, and thus a ‘disability’, then surely all registered vampires and members of the LEV should be entitled to be issued disability ‘blue badge’ parking permits!

ARE YOU A SLAVE TO YOUR SMART PHONE HEALTH APPS?

Never mind the very useful smart phone ‘location’ app that helps you find your ass from your elbow, several health conscious individuals and hypochondriacs are presently preoccupied with downloadable ‘health’ apps that for example can track your heart rate, pulse, blood pressure and cholesterol level. What happened with waking up in the morning blurry-eyed, staring into the bathroom mirror, poking your tongue out while pulling at your eyelids? Alternatively, if you really want to know how you’re feeling, just ask your…mother!

MIDDLE-AGED SPREAD!

Some members of the Marylebone Cricket Club, in St. John’s Wood (Lord’s) are revolting, over plans to shrink the size of their seats in the Tavern & Allen stands by 50mm to 850mm when they are rebuilt. The larger members case will be argued at the club’s general meeting on May 6th. Well that just ain’t…cricket!

WATERFALL CARDIGANS!

Yesterday I popped around to see my Mother. She had on what I am reliably informed was a ‘waterfall’ cardigan (no buttons, long in front, short in back). Made of the lightest of cotton, it reminded me of a net curtain and a mosquito net. What an utterly pointless garment for anyone who walks a dog or tends a garden! Although I kept my opinion to myself, I have signed up to join the Fashion Police. I’ve been told I’m officer…material!

ANYONE FOR A CIGAR?

While the Russian Bear faces continued economic hardship from the drop in the price of oil, America has taken the opportunity to ‘buddy up’ with Cuba by promising to restore diplomatic ties with the Communist-led country, after 50-years of ‘talk to my hand, the face ain’t listening’ and take the once ‘thorn in America’s side’ off the US list of state sponsors of terrorism. So I guess it’s cigars all round, Cuban that is! Now you would be forgiven for thinking the price of a Bolivar, a Cohiba and a Diplimatico will drop. Not so! Unfortunately there is likely to be such a demand on Cuban stogies, the price of a smoke is likely to rise, not fall, along with the price of Cuban heels! Cigar clubs around the world are shitting themselves! Long gone are the days Montecristos were handed out to guests at weddings, Bar Mitzvahs and Christenings!

Never forgetting the Casinos, the showgirls and Mafia of old, The Cuban Government is quite naturally concerned that any ‘close’ relationship with the United States might sully the Cuban ethos, whatever that may be? Ronald McDonald may very well be welcomed, but not necessarily with open arms! Will Arm & Hammer ‘advanced teeth whitening’ products be discovered on Cuban supermarket shelves any time soon, well only time will tell! One thing is for certain, ‘thongs aren’t what they used to be’.

DARTH VADER’S SON STANDING IN UK GENERAL ELECTION!

 

That’s right folks, ‘Garth’ Vader, 29, is a candidate in the north London constituency of Finchley & Golders Green, the seat currently held by Conservative MP Mike Freer. Mr Vader is a member of the Galactic Empire Alliance Party, which has promised to end all immigration, oh, and free will should the GEAP be lucky enough to be invited by the Queen to form a Government. When Mr Vader was accused by one of his critics of being a cross between Hannibal Lector and Norman Bates, the candidate replied, “I know where you live and I know where your children go to school!” Many of the voters registered to vote in Finchley & Golders Green (but not the Jews) are hoping Mr Vader will, health permitting, parachute in his father to offer support in the final run up to the general erection. Darth Vader is currently resident at the Wirral Residential Home for Retired Performers in a Supporting Role. Suffering from arthritis, wind and emphysema, it is however unlikely Mr Vader Senior will show his face, particularly when there are several international arrests warrants out on him, any one of which might be served on the gentleman should he ever step off of his porch! Darth Vader’s many, many right-wing fans will be sorely disappointed, many of whom hoped to take selfies with the man who cut off Luke Skywalker’s balls…hand. Fans of the Star Wars franchise will already know, when photographing Darth Vader, it is best to shoot him in profile. It’s not his best side, but it is his dark side! I’m just sorry I no longer live in north London. In any event, and this is no ordinary event, Garth Vader will I understand be supported by that other right-wing emperor…Tony Blair, who currently has no international arrest warrants with his name on them!?! Now with that kind of heavyweight political support, Garth Vader is bound to capture Finchley & Golders Green, particularly when you consider Emperor Blair has promised to wear Darth Vader’s costume on the podium!

Ladies & Gentlemen, boys & girls, may the…’farce’…be with you!

HAVE YOU GOT AN HONORARY DEGREE IN ‘THICKOLOGY’?

The reason I ask is because I just awarded an honorary degree in Thickology to my neighbour Charlie! Thinking of redecorating his lounge, Charlie brought to my attention ‘wallpaper’ offers he’d just discovered on his computer. A fan of Hollywood actress Angelina Jolie, he really fancied papering his lounge walls with pictures of her, but balked at the price of a role! When I explained to Charlie internet ‘celebrity wallpaper’ offers were only intended as decorative background images for his computer, which in common parlance are referred to as ‘desktop wallpaper’, Charlie felt a proper ‘Charlie’.

TAX AVOIDANCE AND ‘HIGH VALUE’ TARGETS!

All UK political parties are currently banging on about coming down hard on tax avoiders, particularly ‘high value’ targets such as ‘non-doms’ and certain celebrities who stash money in ‘legal’ tax avoidance schemes. Depending upon who you listen to, the amounts the Exchequer hopes to recover is anything between £5 billion and £10 billion. The truth is, anyone involved in a ‘cash’ business has the opportunity to ‘evade’ paying tax. Do you honestly think the owner of a successful wholesale ‘cash & carry’ firm passes on to the Treasury what he is supposed to? The true amount of annual tax avoidance/evasion is probably in the region of £70 billion! Many tax dodgers rationalise their actions, believing any elected government misuse public funds, thus adding weight to their argument! A counter argument? Are tax avoiders social pariahs?

BAILIFFS MOVE IN ON INTERNATIONAL SPACE STATION!

I heard a rumour the International Space Station occupying low Earth orbit is in a bit of financial bother. Since it opened for business in AD 2000 it has been re-mortgaged twice through HSBC, and is currently 6-years behind in payments despite favourable interest rates being offered. C0-ownership of the ISS is split between NASA, Roscosmos, JAXA, ESA and CSA, however no one at any of the agencies claims to know anything about the two re-mortgages. Fraud is suspected! In the meanwhile, astronautical bailiffs who trained for two years for their ‘repossession trip’ via shuttle, were confronted by a big man holding an axe when they arrived in space. “Solly, me no habla ingles!” Don’t you f**king hate that! Anyway, when the bailiffs finally forced entry in order to take charge of any fixtures and fittings, they discovered someone had been ‘cooking’…crystal meth!

YOU CAN’T FATTEN THE PIG ON MARKET DAY!

Can the UK political scene get even more exciting? Err, no! There is a general erection next month, and heavyweight politicians of all the major parties are as usual, making promises they can’t and won’t keep, on immigration, the health service, taxation, care for the elderly, policing Britain, employment & ‘zero-hour’ contracts, EU membership, UK Defence, infrastructure, apprenticeships, investing in communities, etcetera, etcetera! I think by now everyone’s made up their minds which party or individual they’re going to vote for. Broken political promises are the ‘norm’, especially today! Whichever party/coalition is elected into office, it faces huge debts, and must work within the same restrictive budget. As usual it will be a case of ‘robbing Peter to pay Paul’, which means, someone has to suffer. I just hope it isn’t me!

THE TRUTH IS OUT THERE…SOMEWHERE!

The truth about anything and everything is indeed out there, in cyberspace, which is where many of us head for reliable data, but the trouble is, like shifting sands, the truth you seek is often disguised! Our intellects must trudge through a veritable rain forest full of lies and half-truths before we are able to judge what is absolutely true and what is fiction. Albeit bloody convincing, what is printing on the internet ain’t necessarily so! Early internet ‘infancy’ has given way to ‘savvy’ users who exaggerate stories or plant utterly false ones in order to enhance an individual’s ‘rep’, or destroy someone else’s. The internet is now a political platform for everyone in power who wishes to cling to power, or for those seeking power for the very first time. The information super highway is being used and abused in order to win hearts & minds, yours and mine! With data uploaded in real time, 24/7, and from anywhere in the world, none of us have the time or facility to confirm data authenticity. Accepting something merely at face value can be dangerous, for it might lead you and I to come to a false conclusion upon a subject that may be dear to our hearts. My advice is, for what it’s worth, draw your own conclusions. Don’t let anyone draw them for you! Your most potent weapon is your intellect! 

CONFUSION REIGNS!

I’ve always wondered what the difference is between an atrium, an orangery and a conservatory? After a little bit of research I discovered an atrium is a large open space within a building, providing light and ventilation to the interior. Modern atriums have glazed roofs and or large windows. An orangery is similar to a greenhouse or a conservatory, and modern orangeries do not bear fruit. So really, if you’re looking to have an extension built to your home, there is no bloody difference between an atrium, an orangery or a conservatory! Just flash your cash and call the ‘extension’ what you damn like!

THE GREEN PARTY WANTS TO TURN MY FACE BLUE!

Leader of the Green Party (of England & Wales, formerly The Ecology Party), Natalie Bennett who won her Party leadership election when only 25.1% of members bothered to return their ballot papers has said, “If I ever live long enough to find myself in 10 Downing Street, I will have no hesitation in banning everything I deem environmentally unfriendly, and that includes people, planes, cars, air conditioning units, all ‘white goods’ and un-recyclable smart phones, not-so-smart phones, sex toys and sanitary products. As far as the cruel sport of horse racing is concerned, the Grand National will be replaced by a Shetland Pony obstacle course!” Err, I’ll smoke what Ms Bennett is smoking please!

Anti-Monarchist, Australian born Natalie Bennett, who despite several attempts to persuade the electorate to vote her into office, (twice in local council elections for Camden Council, once as a prospective MP for the Holborn & St. Pancras ward and once as a prospective London Assembly member), holds numerous degrees, including an MA in Miss…Mass Communication from Leicester University. If the woman was ever made Prime Minister, well, we really would be up shit creek! Stopping ‘trains, planes & automobiles’ and forcing us all to stay at home in order to further reduce our carbon footprints, would be a recipe for disaster!  Shutting down all the electricity power stations would at the very least ‘stall’ our fragile economy! Telling us, ‘If you want to stay warm…f**k’, is certainly not the way to ingratiate yourself into the hearts & minds of the public! If you believe ‘possession’ is indeed 9/10th of the Law, then the planet belongs to us! Now if you think I am exaggerating the threat to our way of life by The Green Party, just remember this, Natalie Bennett has lobbied Parliament to install green felt tip pens and re-cycled paper in all voting stations! And there is more! Without the impetus from The Industrial Revolution driving technology, Miss Bennett would never have made it over to the UK in the first place! In any event, Ms Bennett has put herself forward for a second time in the Holborn & St. Pancras Parliamentary ward. In 2010 the lady came in fourth. I will be interested to see how she fares on May 7th!?

THE HILLS ARE ALIVE WITH THE SOUND OF…MUNCHING!

North Korea’s leader, Kim Jong-Un…the man with the IQ of hung meat…in order to match Vlad Putin’s physical prowess, supposedly climbed North Korea’s highest mountain, the 9,003 foot Mount Paektu. In reality, Ding Dong Jong-Un was probably air-lifted to the summit by Chinook helicopter, known as the heavy-lifting workhorse of Western armed forces. How else can you explain Fat Boy…Fat standing on the summit holding a chicken and Alsatian baguette in each hand?