Genetic engineering is gathering apace! Eventually scientists will eradicate all inherited human diseases, and we will supposedly live longer and happier lives on an already over-crowded planet. Well that takes care of our anatomy, but what about our mental development? Are we not still going to be at the ‘beck & call’ of the so-called 7 deadly sins…lust, gluttony, sloth, wrath, greed, envy and pride?
According to data released via Freedom of Information requests, there have been nearly 300 blazes at UK fire stations over the past 5 years, caused by appliances such as dishwashers, vacuum cleaners, toasters and microwaves busting into flames. In Worcester for example, nine firefighters tackled a blaze at a fire station caused by carelessly disposed of cigarette! This might explain away any delayed response to attending 999 calls made by members of the public. “Sorry, we can’t come to your fire…we’ve got one of our own!”
Long-term girlfriend Julie attempted to cook me a meal last night. ‘How was it? ‘she said. ‘I mean, am I a good cook, or what?’ ‘Darling,’ I replied, ‘didn’t you know different vegetables require different cooking times? And by the way, sticking three different vegetables on a plate and then introducing them to a piece of meat without a sauce isn’t actually cooking…it’s assembling, and trust me, Ford wouldn’t employ you!’ Folks, timing is everything, and Julie’s was off! ‘Darling,’ she said, half giggling, ‘my mum wants to know when you’re going to pop the question!’ I replied, ‘Julie, please thank your mother for thinking of me, but do tell her I’m not really into threesomes!’
The Dragon cargo ship spent two whole days chasing the ISS around in space before it was able to dock. Full of supplies including ‘Waitrose’ ready meals, toilet paper, post-it notes, spacewalking gear and spare parts that included a bicycle pump, one wonders why the astronuts were so reluctant to accept delivery? Apparently none of the ISS crew remembers ordering anything on Amazon!
At 15:00 hours precisely, I received an emergency phone call from someone in obvious distress!
“Oh hi Irene, what’s up?”
“One of my boobs has exploded, that’s what’s up!”
“Which one?”
“The left one, and I don’t mind telling you, it’s left a nasty taste in my mouth!”
“I bet, bell how on earth did that happen?”
“The jet flew at 56,000 feet.”
‘But I told you the implants couldn’t take that kind of cabin pressure. 40,000 feet…max! Higher and the warranty becomes invalid!”
“Oh hush now David! It wasn’t like I was flying the bloody jet, was it? Air turbulence forced the plane above the jet-stream.”
“Well where are you calling from?”
“I’m in a taxi on the way to the clinic.”
“I’ll meet you there. Now don’t panic…granny!”
It was after reading about ‘rare artefacts connected to Napoleon Blownaparte, including a lock of his hair stolen from a museum near Melbourne, Australia’ that I had my epiphany! Why not gather DNA from Boney, Arthur Wellesley (the 1st Duke of Wellington), Kaiser Wilhelm the 2nd, Adolph Hitler, Winston Churchill, Benito Mussolini, Joe Stalin and even Mafiosi member Salvatore Lucania (Charles ‘Lucky’ Luciano)? Clone them! Yes, that’s what I said…clone them, and when they mature, let them all compete against one-another in a special edition of ‘Total Wipeout’. The prize? Why absolute control of Europe! It’s got to be cheaper than member states paying hundreds of millions of euros every year to keep MEPs and unelected Commissioners in wine and whores!
Poveglia is a small island located between Venice and Lido in the Venetian Lagoon, northern Italy. On it sits a disused mental hospital. Abandoned in 1968, Poveglia is now up for sale. Because of its turbulent history, the island has been featured on the paranormal reality shows Ghost Adventures and Scariest Places on Earth. The Italian Government is offering any buyer a 99-year-lease to redevelop it into a luxury hotel. I understand ‘room service’ will be available 24/7, but it will be room service not as you know it! Are you shitting yourself yet? I know I am!
UK Prime Minister, David ‘Big Society’ Cameron was stung by a jellyfish thought to be of North Korean origin while wading in the sea off the Arrieta beach, Lanzarote. As you might expect, there were no shortage of offers to piss on the Prime Minister. Unaccustomed as he was to accept ‘donations’ from plebs, Monsieur Cameron managed to persuade ‘A’ listed actress Nicole Kidman (The Paperboy) to urinate on him instead. On hearing of the attack, back at 10 Downing Street a COBRA (Cabinet Office Briefing Room ‘A’) meeting was hastily assembled in order to determine whether the unprovoked jellyfish attack was a pre-emptive North Korean strike in retaliation for Mo Nabbach of the ‘M & M Hair Academy’ (barber shop) in South Ealing, London for displaying a picture of North Korean Supreme Leader Kim Jong-un in his shop window. ‘Bad Hair Day? 15% off all haircuts throughout April!’
A 63-year-old Indian man who swallowed 12, 33g gold bars in an effort to avoid paying import duty, took himself off to Sir Ganga Ram Hospital in Delhi suffering belly ache. No kidding! The gold was surgically removed before being confiscated by customs officials. Lets hear from the surgeon: “If the bars had not been removed, it is my medical opinion the patient would eventually have been shitting bricks!” Do you have an appetite for gold?
Scientists from North-western University in Chicago, Illinois suggest that smoking cannabis alters the size of two key brain regions involved in emotion and motivation. Apparently even light use of the drug warps the brains of young adults! Meanwhile, over in Avon, Colorado recreational drug users are in for a treat that might well stimulate their emotional and motivational senses! Now we’ve all used vending machines over the years to feed our appetites for chocolate, sandwiches, drinks, condoms and even umbrellas, but in the town of Avon one can now buy marijuana from a climate-controlled vending machine installed inside the Herbal Elements medical dispensary. Sizes? Grande, extra Grande, Gigantica and ‘Oh you’ve got to be kidding!’ I hope the idea catches on. Perhaps in the not too distant future marijuana vending machines will be installed on the platforms of the London Underground system. Smokin!
*Oh how unfortunate! Easter Sunday shares the day with the pot-lover’s highest holiday, April 20, or 420! April 20 has become a counterculture holiday in North America, where people gather to celebrate and consume cannabis.
Tory MP James Arbuthnot, the outgoing Defence Select Committee chairman launched a broadside on the outrageous down-sizing of the once mighty British Royal Navy, now reduced to a paltry 23 surface vessels, an insufficient number with which to patrol, and if necessary, protect vital shipping lanes. With no stockpiles of food and fuel, should a foreign power blockade say the Suez Canal, Britain would be vulnerable. Here’s a thought! Why don’t we feed ourselves, as we have done in the past and not rely so heavily on foreign imports! In the last major foot and mouth epidemic, 20million animals were culled and we still didn’t run out of them! And as far as fuel in concerned, aren’t there currently 5 wind turbines for every 1 individual and a newly discovered trillion tons of coal under the North Sea?
But looking on the bright side, should our tiny island full of fat people actually run out of food, we could always embark on a sustained campaign of cannibalism! That would certainly go a long way towards alleviating the obesity problem that’s causing the Government and the National Health Service so many problems! I say, let’s start with the rich! Eat the buggers, and you too can enjoy Michelin Star food, albeit, indirectly! This kinds reminds me of the lyrics to Barbra Streisand’s ‘People’: ‘People who need people, Are the luckiest people in the world!‘ I’ll say!
In the not too distant future we may will see thousands upon thousands of Amazon Prime Air civilian delivery drones dropping off our purchases, along with letter and package deliveries from Deutsche Post-DHL. In the event of a techno war, once the drones have completed their civilian duties, they might well be recalled to base to be weaponized in order to go and fight UAE (United Arab Emirates) drones in the Middle East or elsewhere. Aerials manoeuvres will never be the same!
English: A chocolate egg decorated with bunny like ears and feet. The ears and feet are made of pastillage (sugar dough). This egg/bunny is a twist on the standard Easter chocolate eggs and chocolate bunnies. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)
I’ve just read about seven chimpanzees that used an improvised ladder to scale a wall and escape their enclosure at the Kansas City Zoo. One of the chimps pulled a log or a branch and leaned it against the wall of the enclosure, allowing the others to briefly escape. Their names? Big X, Cooler King, Scrounger, Forger, Surveyor, Tunnel King and Mole! Having been returned to their compound Big X is hunting for the traitor that sold them out for a bunch of bananas. Huh? But that could be any chimp!
What’s this I hear? Another sex party I didn’t get invited to…outf**kingrageous! It would appear the UK Parliament’s expenses watchdog is to investigate claims that the taxpayer…you and me…indirectly funded a hotel suite that was used for a gay sex party during a Conservative Party conference, and no, the conference wasn’t on louche behaviour. It goes like this! A suite of rooms at the Manchester Light ApartHotel costing up to £2,500 per night was booked by the Policy Research Unit, a taxpayer-funded think tank, and it was here the gay sex party allegedly took place. Boy oh boy, parliamentary research has come a long way since I was a boy! Actually I’m rather glad I wasn’t invited to the party after all, for my sexual preferences aren’t particularly conservative! Vol-au-vents stuffed with whole prawns in an exoskeleton (shell) aren’t really my cup of tea!
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