LUST AIN’T LOVE!

English: Harrods Department Store as viewed from the north-east along Brompton Road, in London, England. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Last week I popped into London to do a wee bit of Christmas shopping. Having brought myself a shirt at Harrods department store in Knightsbridge…a shirt I probably won’t be able to get into come February…I stopped off at one of the many restaurants for a coffee and a piece of cake. Getting up to leave, I spotted Samantha, a lady a hadn’t clapped eyes on for eleven whole years. She had two young children in tow. The back story! Samantha and I had spent six wonderful weeks together in the summer of 2004. It had been lust at first sight for both of us. Samantha’s then followed her parents abroad and I never heard from her again, until that was I spotted her in Harrods queuing for refreshments. Having introduced me to her children as an old friend, we briefly exchanged pleasantries. It wasn’t until this morning that I put my hand in my coat pocket to retrieve a lighter. Someone had slipped a business card in it! Samantha Wordsworth, ‘Interior designer’. I won’t be phoning her. The past is another country, is it not? I’m happy to be left with my memories, pleasant memories I shall take to my grave!

THE WIMBLEDON GRUNT!

English: Wimbledon Championships (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

We are well into the second week of Wimbledon tennis tournament and the GRUNTERS are well and truly back! It is said that female tennis players who grunt too loudly put off their opponents and spoiling the game for the millions of spectators, especially the ones trying to sleep in front of the TV. I was hoping to replace my old Sony TV with a brand spanking new flat screen television, but I daren’t, for Bunnee the Cavalier is likely to jump at the screen and knock the TV over. I do wonder whether the female tennis grunters are equally vocal ‘in bed’ or is their grunting restricted to the tennis court? Err perhaps they are all constipated, and their grunting helps them shift a log? If indeed it is a constipated grunt we are hearing, then perhaps it would be a good idea to issue all grunters, female and male with court side pooper-scoopers? I wonder what the BBC commentators would make of that? “Quickly,” the producer screams, “Cut to commercials! Oh shit, we don’t show commercials!”

Meanwhile, all male gorillas at London Zoo have been issued with Dr Dre ‘beat’ headphones. Apparently the female Wimbledon tennis GRUNTERS can be heard all the way to North West London, causing inmates at the monkey house to experience an uncontrollable stirring in their loins!

Talking about Bunnee…Bunneekins…Bunneechops, she had a free weight-in at the vet’s this morning booked for 9:15. I took her for a quick walk first, but unfortunately, for the first time in months Bunnee succumbed diarrhoea. I cleaned her up the best I could, then I drove to the vet. Even more unfortunately, when we arrived Bunnee got an attack of wind and stunk the place out! One woman picked up her Shih Tzu and decided to go for a walk outside. A second woman, not only covered her own nose but that of her Pug’s too! Meanwhile Bunnee’s wind continued unabated. Finally we got in to see Pedro the vet, who quickly slipped on a surgical mask before weighing little bitch Bunnee. Well, by this time I was laughing so hard, I almost cracked a rib. “Come and see me any time,” Pedro said from behind the mask. “Bunnee’s always welcome!” Honestly, I had to hang onto the door to stop myself from collapsing! When we got home I bathed doggy and dried her with the hair dryer. In hindsight I should have cancelled the free weigh-in and made it for the following day. And to think my Cavalier once trod hallowed ground at Crufts!

 

 

‘KILL SWITCH’…SMARTPHONE SECURITY!

 

 

A lot of us have been inconvenienced by having our smartphones stolen. The psychological damage should not be underestimated. Oh it’s not just the loss of the device, or the bother of making an insurance claim, it’s the loss of valuable data and photos, both personal and commercial that is most irksome!

Finally Apple and Samsung have incorporated a kill switch into their smartphones which would allow the devices to be disabled if they are stolen. Google and Microsoft intend doing the same. Up ’til now users were only able to lock their screens to prevent strangers from gaining access to devices. Enterprising thieves would often hack into mobile phones to remove the barriers or instead replace SIM cards A kill switch would allow devices to be disabled by phone operators and manufacturers even if thieves had taken this action.

Frankly I don’t believe the proposed kill switch is going far enough. I think tech manufacturers should incorporate not a ‘faux’ kill switch, but a real kill switch into their mobile devices, so the next time my smartphone is purloined, a small hi-tech shape charge will actually blow the thief’s head clean off of his shoulders as soon as he puts my device to his ear, or blow off his nuts should he place my device in his trouser pocket! Either way, death or castration will indeed prove a deterrent to keeping thieves sticky fingers off other people’s property! Not until I walk down the West End of London kicking heads & nuts out the way and into the nearest gutter will I be satisfied the mobile device pilfering epidemic is over! What, my kill switch adaptation is too uncivilized? Then what about a high-voltage electrical charge designed to lobotomize a smartphone thief? Still too radical a suggestion? Oh I get it, you advocate another type of intervention! Well you meet the thief for a cappuccino and croissant if you like, but I warn you, a sociological resolution seldom works!

A BRIEF HISTORY OF THYME!

Bouquet garni: thyme, bay leaves, sage (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Ancient Egyptians used thyme for embalming. The ancient Greeks, believing it was a source of courage, used it in their baths and burnt it as incense in their temples. The Romans used it to purify their rooms. In the European Middle Ages, the herb was placed beneath pillows to aid sleep and ward off nightmares. Women would also often give knights and warriors gifts that included thyme leaves, as it was believed to bring courage to the bearer. Thyme was also used as incense and placed on coffins during funerals, as it was supposed to assure passage into the next life.

In modern times thyme is a common component of the bouquet garni. Pre-modern antibiotics, oil of thyme was used to medicate bandages. Used as an antiseptic, the herb is the main active ingredient in various commercially produced mouthwashes such as Listerine, alcohol-free hand sanitizers and anti-fungal treatments. A tea made by infusing the herb in water can be used for coughs and bronchitis.

Thank you Wikipedia. You are the fountain of knowledge! Now it’s thyme I walked the dog!

6 REASONS WHY SEX IS GOOD FOR YOUR HEALTH!

Love Can Seriously Damage Your Health (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

1) Making with the LURVE is good for your heart…unless you have a pre-existing heart condition, in which case it’s SAYONARA!

2) Making love will help you shed a few pounds…particularly if you’re PAYING for it!

3) Making love can relieve STRESS…unless of course you’re into ‘S & M’ and your sexual partner leave you bleeding and shackled to the bedstead while he/she goes for a pizza!

4) Making love can send you to SLEEP…often in the middle of it!

5) Making love stops you getting SICK by boosting the immune system…unless of course you’re in bed with the WRONG partner who actually makes you sick!

6) Making love is good for you self-esteem…unless you’re a PREMATURE EJACULATOR!

I WAS ABDUCTED BY ALIENS!

 

I’d read stories over the years about individuals claiming to have been abducted by extra terrestrials. Many abductees claimed to have been experimented upon. Quite honestly I didn’t believe a word. ‘Naïve fantasists seeking attention,’ that’s what I thought. So, is anybody out there, really? Damn right there is!

In January 2013 I was standing in the menswear department of Marks & Spencer, Oxford Street branch perusing cashmere jackets in the winter sale. I had my hands on a charcoal-grey pure cashmere jacket (size 40/short) when all of a sudden a blinding beam of light came straight through the ceiling, encircling me. As I rose up, all I could think about was the bargain price jacket I was going to lose and whether or not I was going to hit my head on the ceiling.

A few moments later I found myself standing on the flight deck of a massive space ship encircling the clouds. I felt a slight tingle in my right foot and immediately took off my shoe and sock. My big toe was half the size. Clearly molecular reconstruction was not perfect. Then I felt a slight tingling below my crotch. I quickly placed my hand in my underpants. Gadzooks, my cock had grown. In fact, it was huge! Molecular reconstruction WAS perfect. If I ever got back to earth, I’d become a PORN star.

Two ugly aliens appeared and fixed me with stares. Reptilian in nature, they stood over seven feet tall, had big orange eyes and dry scaly skin. ‘Oy,’ I said, ‘have you thought of moisturising?’

‘Look,’ I said, ‘what the fuck’s going on? If your intention is to put me to work…well you can forget it. I’m middle class and don’t DO manual labour! Plus I’m an orthodox Jew (a blatant lie). I only eat kosher grub, so unless you’ve got a bespoke kosher kitchen on board with a rabbi from the Beth Din in attendance, I’ll starve myself to death even before I’m forced to pick up a paperweight!  Naturally I’ll have to stop whatever it is you’ll have me do in order to pray four times a day.’

‘If its vital organ harvesting that interests you lot…tough! I suffer from diabetes AND cirrhosis of the liver, kidney, bacon, sausages and onions.’ Clearly my captors considered me unique, for I’d stunned them aliens into silence.

‘And if its answers you’re after, don’t waste your time and alien resources in torturing me. I’ll tell you everything I know for a bar of chocolate…plain…with nuts in it.’  Suddenly one of the aliens reached around to touch his asshole. I wrongly assumed that he was attempting to turn on the international translator.

Ingratiating myself further, I offered to give them a free quote for some double-glazing. ‘Grade A glass!’ I said. ‘No? Err, then what about a quote for loft insulation?’ The next thing I knew I was engulfed by a beam of bright light and was transported back from whence I came. ‘Thanks for the big prick,’ I shouted to the big prick.

I found myself back in the Marks & Spencer menswear department. The Spring sale was on.

ALOE VERA…HOW YOU DOING?

Spotted forms of Aloe vera are sometimes known as Aloe vera var. chinensis. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

I’m amazed how much ALOE VERA has taken off in the last few years. I mean, the plant extract is bloody everywhere! Aloe can be found in yoghurt, desserts, nutritional drinks, vitamin supplements, skin care products, hair care products, balms, ointments, moisturizer, soap, sunscreen, incense, shaving cream, tissues, toilet paper, animal products. Its used as a fresh food preservative, is used to heal first & second degree burns, may be effective for genital herpes and psoriasis and is even used in the dilution of semen for artificial fertilisation of sheep. My only real surprise is that you can actually get hold of any Aloe!

THE CONTINUED BASTARDIZATION OF SPOKEN ENGLISH.

“Science Friday” Recommendations (Photo credit: LollyKnit)

I don’t know about you, but there are certain phrases that get on my NERVES!

‘I’m gutted!‘ Oh no you’re not. You’re upset, even distraught, but you’re not actually gutted. If you were really gutted you’d know about it. Your insides would be outside. You hear ‘I’m gutted’ a lot on television, particularly on cookery shows. Hell, if everyone who’s said ‘I’m gutted’ actually was gutted, well, the world would be knee-deep’ in pustulating intestines!

You’re joking me!’  Double YUK.

‘It’s not rocket science.‘  Used by everyone except rocket scientists.

‘Alright mate?’ (when talking to a woman).

Here’s a really wacky idea one might employ in order to extend one’s vocabulary;

TRY READING A BOOK OCCASIONALLY, DUMB-ARSE! If you find this blog offensive…GOOD!

ARE ‘SEX DOLLS’ SEX BOMBS?

An example of a sex doll: the RealDoll by Abyss Creations. Robotman1974 18:03, 11 September 2006 (UTC) (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Apparently, life-size SEX DOLLS aren’t dolls at all, but ‘BESPOKE COMPANIONS!‘ Bespoke because a sex doll is made to your exact specifications, and companions, because at $7,000 each, plus post & package, the seller wouldn’t shift many if he called them ‘dolls.’ But what does ‘bespoke’ actually mean? Well, you get to pick the height, weight, vital stats, skin colour and tone, face, hair…why you can even demand a DETACHABLE VAGINA, presumably because, after use you can throw it in the washing machine and hope that the dyes in your coloureds don’t run!

Personally? I’m not that far gone that I need a large dolly…YET. I prefer a woman of mine to have a pulse, but hey, who knows what the future holds? There are of course two further considerations after one makes a dolly purchase. 1) Should you put your bespoke companion on your household contents insurance policy, and 2) In determining your council tax, when the local authority enquires into how many ‘people’ live under your roof, how should you respond?

I THINK I’VE HAD A GRRREAT IDEA!

Mel Blanc’s headstone at the “Hollywood Forever Cemetery” in Southern California. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

People seem to be dropping like flies around me. Over the last five years I’ve attended more funerals than in the previous twenty. Despite the advances in medical science, friends, relatives and mere acquaintances of mine are passing over while still in their prime. I therefore feel that I am in a better position than most to comment on cemeteries. They really are ghost towns you know! Few graves are ever visited and many gravestones are in a poor state of repair. No one has ever queued to get into a cemetery, and that’s as it should be I suppose.

We’ve done STONE…we’re onto metals and plastics! My idea is to abandon granite in favour of plastic and neon epitaphs that not only glow in the dark, but actually change colour. Ridiculous yes, but so what, do we not live in a ridiculous world? You could I suppose go further and sell advertising space: ‘GO GOOGLE,’ or ‘MICROSOFT WINDOWS 8,‘  ‘GOING…GOING…GONE, LONELY PLANET TRAVEL’ or ‘FLY VIRGIN’…perhaps not, that might send out the wrong message, but by UPLIFTING headstones…which after all should be celebrating the life of a deceased, you might encourage relatives to visit more than once a decade. Mark my words, plastic neon lit gravestones will become the norm. Perhaps not in our lifetimes, but it will happen, so much so, that in the not too distant future a photograph of a glowing graveyard at night will win a national photographic competition.

TELEVISION ADVERTISING DRIVES ME ‘NUTS’!

Monkey and Al (portrayed by Johnny Vegas), as shown on one of ITV Digital’s adverts (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Folks, I’m sick and tired of having my favourite TV programmes interrupted every 6 to 9 minutes by advertising slots that can last for up to 5 minutes! I’m beginning to think the programmes are slotted around the adverts! Really, I’m phobic about it! To solve this really annoying problem I recently bought a HUMAX digital recorder. This way I can program the machine to record everything I like, and I watch it later. Below are just some of the adverts that really get on my tits!

“Have you got hard dry skin on your feet? Well now there is an answer…F**KING AMPUTATION! NOMOREFEET.COM are opening up in a town near you!”

“Do you have unsightly facial hair? Well now there is an answer…F**KING DECAPITATION! HEADSYOULOSE.COM (affiliates of nomorefeet.com). This mega solution also helps with WEIGHT LOSS!”

“Do you need car insurance from a company that GUARANTEES NEVER to pay your claim? Then come to F**KTHEPUBLIC.COM”

“Take the STRESS out of moving homes…come to FRACKINGCOUNTYPROPERTIES.COM. We guarantee to find you what you’re not looking for! Complimentary hard hats are provided for every new customer!”

“Have you tried new ‘SPECIAL Q’ high fibre breakfast cereal? Low in fat, salt and calories…SPECIAL Q guarantees to give you wind all day long!”

“Are you sick and tired of going through reams and reams of expensive TOILET PAPER, particularly on CURRY NIGHT? Then try new STUCKO medicated toilet tissue. STUCKO won’t tear, nor for that matter, flush. STUCKO toilet tissue, THE STANDARD FOR YOUR BEHIND!”

Yes, of course my ads are quite ridiculous, but no more so than the ones we are forced to watch. The amount of money a company is willing to go through in order to sell its product is mind-boggling. Plus there’s the cost of celebrity endorsement! “Because you’re worth it!” Oh do F**K OFF! Half the so-called celebs can barely read & write! Furthermore, only an idiot would buy a product where the salesperson is a GLOVE PUPPET! Wait a minute…actually I think I may have. Oh dear!

NOTHING ON T.V…THINK AGAIN!

English: Logo for The Shopping Channel (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Sometimes late at night when there’s nothing worth watching on T.V. I unwind by flicking between the jewellery shopping channels; QVC, Bid TV, Gem TV, Rocks& Co, The Jewellery Channel, etcetera, etcetera. Now I know they are not supposed to be amusing, but I often can’t stop myself from giggling, for the rock crystals that are supposedly rare are in fact to be found in several places on Earth. The most over-used adjectives are ‘DESIGNER,’ ‘SUPURB,’ ‘STUNNING,’ ‘RARE,‘ and ‘LIMITED STOCK.’  Let’s not forget the ‘P & P,’ £7:99, and the cost of the phone call, £1:53. The P & P and phone call is where the channel makes some of its money, but people don’t get it. Most of the items on offer are what I consider to be SCHMUTTER! Did not once the British, the Spanish, the French and the Portuguese all trade baubles and beads to backward tribesmen for favours?

OH HOW EFFING CHIC!

English: I put some boxers in the floor (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Nothing remains out of fashion for very long. Cloth, cuts and styles are merely re-vamped every so often and sent to the market place. So you will not be surprised to learn that the latest must have underwear for teenage girls are men’s brightly coloured, satin boxer shorts. Stitched across the exposed elasticized band is a strap-line made popular in the 1960s. What is it? ‘Shit happens!’

I SHIT YOU NOT!

Rainbow of chemicals (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

TERRORISTS…before you flush your toilet, think once, and then once again! Swedish scientists working at the Swedish Defence Research Agency (FOI), have developed sensors that can be fitted inside waste tunnels and used to detect bomb making chemicals in raw sewage. If suspect chemicals are detected, the sensor alerts the authorities who can carry out infrared laser ‘sweeps’ above ground using mobile units to locate the precise location of the bomb-making factory. The system is called EMPHASIS, which stands for Explosive Material Production  Hidden Agile Search and Intelligence System.

So, if a bomb-maker flushes chemicals down the  toilet, or the chemicals from bomb making are ingested into a person’s blood  stream and ultimately enter their urine or poo, these chemicals will pass through the sensors leading to your piss and poo giving away your precise location. Huh, brings new meaning to the word…floater, doesn’t it! I suspect terrorist bomb makers of the future will be wearing catheter bags and nappies!

 

 

 

 

TREASURED MEMORIES!

Come and Get These Memories (album) (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

I’ve come to realised that memories are like photographs…fixed! I lay in bed the other night unable to sleep, when I began thinking about an ex-girlfriend…one that in hindsight, I shouldn’t have let slip through my fingers. Hey, we’ve all done it, dithered. Anyway, for no particular reason I tried to change the colour of her hair. It didn’t work. I tried to make subtle changes to her pose. I couldn’t. Memories are fixed, and just like photographs, they can’t be altered.